Joe's Many Girlfriends (Plus a bunch of other funny stuff!)
Joe's POV
Joe woke up to the crow of the family rooster. "COCKADOODLEDOO!" it screeched. Joe got up, crossed
the room to the window, and yelled at the rooster, "SHUT UP YOU STUPID ROOSTER!" Immediately Hoss crashed through the door. "The roosters' done nothing wrong Joe. You had no call to do that." "OK OK!" Joe said, backing away. Hoss took a looked around, a mad look on his face. He grudgingly left the room. He cares WAY too much about that rooster, Joe thought. I mean, I know he loves animals and all, but seriously… He look out the window and spotted Hoss gently caressing the rooster, cooing to calm it down. Joe whistled and put his hands to his hips. "Well, time to find more girls to love! "He thought optimistically. He got dressed and went downstairs for breakfast.
Two hours later at the Silver Dollar Saloon in Virginia City…
Ben hit Joe on the back and said, "Come on boys, I'll buy you a beer." Joe thanked him wondered where he got all this money from. He offered the sons beers every episo-I mean um… every time we go to Virginia City! And we go there all the time! A cowboy in the saloon mumbled, "Mighty Ben Cartwright with all his fancy beers … Think they're kings… I'll teach them someday." Joe, Adam, Hoss, and Ben sat down and drank their beers. Adam swallowed and announced to Pa, "So, Pa, I got that money from the cattle we sold to that rancher last week!" Pa replied, "All FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS of it, son?" Two tables away, a cowboy whispered to his friend, "Hey pal, old Cartwright there's got five hundred thousand dollars." He smiled mischievously. The other cowboy nodded, smiling. As Adam got up and left after deciding to take a trip to San Francisco, the two cowboys got up and followed. Joe remarked, "Doesn't Adam ever realize that it isn't smart to go shouting that you have a bunch of money with you?" Pa and Hoss shook their heads like it was a ridiculous thought. "Well I better be off, Pa. I gotta find some girls." Joe said. He finished his beer, got up, waved goodbye to Hoss and Pa, and left the saloon.
One hour later I was riding around the Ponderosa looking for rustlers and settlers and such, because often when I do that , I find girls instead. Sure enough, I rounded a corner and there stood a girl beside her elegant chestnut horse, in a light blue dress and a large, frilly, flowery hat. I smiled and rode towards her slowly, making it clear I was there. "Well hello there!" I said enthusiastically. The girl turned and stopped adjusting her saddle. " Who are you and what are you doing here!?" she demanded. "this happens to be the Ponderosa ma'am. That's my Pa's ranch. Though I 'spect he'll be retiring soon, and then it'll be my ranch." I said proudly. The girl raised an eyebrow. " Shocking, I know. All this land here," I sweeped my hand through the air, " All mine." The girl shook her head. " I've heard of you Cartwrights and your Ponderosa. And I happen to know that you have two older brothers who may very well take over this ranch." I took my hat off and rubbed the rim. I had to get off this subject. " Wanna come to my house for dinner?" I asked. The girl replied, " Sorry I can't I have to go to San Fransisco to see for some urgent business." Her eyes watered but she sniffed and shook her head. " I insist! You must stay for a while. At least a week." I insisted.
"But my father is dying!"
"No but's! you're coming with me!
"He's only expected to have two days left!"
"Nope. I insist. You MUST have dinner with us."
"But… why!?"
"I take after my father."
Half an hour later
I was sitting at the table eating dinner with Hoss and Pa and the girl, whose name was Elisha. She had forgotten about her silly reason for not wanting to come for dinner. Pa and her were chatting about cattle and the ranch and stuff like that. Every once and awhile Pa shot me a look like, "You shouldn't have brought her home." I shrugged and ate my potatoes. Hoss didn't even notice Elisha was there. He gobbled up three helpings of food in five minutes.
The next day about 'noon
"Joe, let's get married!" I looked at Elisha. "Alright. Let's get married tomorrow!" Elisha smiled. "Tomorrow? But we have to send invitations, and I have to make a dress!" She smiled again. "I love you Joe." I kissed her and walked to the door. "I love you too. I'm gonna make arrangements for tomorrow." Elisha waved goodbye as I rode away.
The next day in the late afternoon
Me and Elisha walked down the aisle, arm in arm, until we stopped at the end. I smiled. Today, finally, I would get married. I hope nothing goes wrong, I thought darkly. Suddenly the door slammed open and a cowboy pointed his gun at Pa, who was behind me. He was carrying Adam's saddlebag. Behind him I saw another cowboy holding Adam, who was gagged. Everyone gasped. I realized that the cowboys were the ones from the saloon who had followed Adam out. Quickly I drew my gun and shot twice. One hit the first cowboy. He staggered inside, clutching his stomach. He fell to the floor. The other cowboy let go of Adam, grabbed the saddlebag, and ran away. Pa rushed to the cowboys side. Then I heard a groan. Elisha dropped to the ground. I knelt beside her. "Elisha?" I said softly. "Joe… I'll see my father now…" she replied, eyes glazed. I called to Hoss. "Hoss! Get the doctor, quick!" Hoss rushed out the door. "No, Joe… It's too late…" Her head lolled to the side, and her hands drooped. I started crying. "Elisha? Elisha? No! You can't! Wake up!" Pa shook his head. "It's too late Joe" I looked at him. "I shot her. I'm sorry Elisha." I said. Adam was ungagged now and he was murmuring to a shocked lady who had come to see the wedding. "Don't worry Mrs. Smith. He'll get over it. Knowing him, he'll forget about her tomorrow. In fact, he'll probably find another girl next week!" He laughed. Mrs. Smith stared at Adam, wide-eyed.
The next day, in the morning
"I shot her!" I told Pa despairingly. Pa took on a serious look and put his hand on my shoulder. I looked down, hands on my hips. Pa gave a long speech about how it wasn't my fault and that I only did what I thought was right. He patted my shoulder and smiled. " Come on Joe. Let's get some breakfast." I turned my head and looked at him. I smiled. "I guess you're right." I walked to the the table with Pa. Hoss looked at Adam and mumbled, " That's a Pa-Joe talk for ya."