Title: Unrestrained
Author: Synthetic-Skywalker
Fandom: Star Wars
Paring: Anakin Skywalker/Ahsoka Tano
Rated: Mature
Word Count: 2,374
Warnings: Major character death; suicide.
Notes: I started this back in April. I'm not sure what brought me back to it, but I wanted to finish it.
A month went by. Two months, three, five, ten. Two years. It felt like it hadn't been that long at all because the vacancy of the dorm kept her inside. She hadn't watched the changing of the seasons at all. She saw neither rain nor shine. She preferred isolation. After all, it was her fault. She hadn't been able to stop the inevitable from happening. She tried to give all of her love to him, but it still hadn't been good enough. It still hadn't been enough to keep him alive. She sat on their bed. The love they shared had been spent here very few times. He had been a man full of respect for her. He had never pushed her beyond her boundaries. She loved him for that reason among many others.
She knew his body had its needs, but she wasn't up for it sometimes and he respected that. He loved her. He loved her very much. He feared losing her as he'd lost many others before. He'd been betrayed, but he knew she would never betray him. He hoped she would never betray him. His love for her led him to his ultimate demise by his own hateful hands. He asked himself many questions, asked her many questions. He never believed that she honestly loved him, but she did. He questioned her many times, receiving the same answer, but he never believed her. He never believed she could love someone like him.
He was a monster. He told himself that every single time he looked in the mirror. He would wake up, get out of bed and drag himself to the refresher where the mirror called to him. He managed to deny the mirror its daily pleasure rarely. The shower burned him every morning and that burn symbolized his life. He had been burned one too many times to truly be happy. He wished he could've been better or someone else. He hated himself to the very core and wished he would perish at any given moment of any day. It didn't matter to him at all.
He didn't want to live in a world where he had to look over his shoulder every time he got close to someone. He waited to be hurt time and time again and was never disappointed. His heart had too many scars to keep him stable. The things that had been done to him hadn't been physically painful, but had emotionally taxed him. She gave him hope that he held dear. He lost everyone he'd ever loved and he finally had someone he could give his love to. He craved giving her his love even until his very end.
That had haunted her to this day. She had seen him in his final moments. She heard the things he screamed at her and she pleaded with him to stop, but he wouldn't. He just wouldn't stop beating himself up and it broke her heart. He said so many damaging things about himself and she knew he truly believed every word that escaped his lips. She crept closer to him, her hands outstretched for him, her eyes silently pleading with him to come to her like he'd done so many times. He couldn't help it most of the time. She was his crutch. Everything he did, he did for her. Everything he'd done, he'd done to protect her. Everything he wanted, he wanted for her.
She cried in front of him, told him she loved him. He shook his head and laughed darkly under his breath, but she heard it. Her heart cringed at the look in his eyes. He was crazy. No. He was insane. The man had driven himself insane to keep her from leaving him. He'd gone mad wanting her to be there, but not believing her when she said she wanted to be with him. He pulled his weapon out from the folds of his robe and he watched her. He knew she understood what would happen next. He knew she would never be able to stop him. He knew she couldn't stop him. Tears streamed down his face as he watched her heart break on her face. He just didn't want to believe her. He couldn't. He couldn't let himself live to see another day and believe lies.
"I love you," he'd whispered, watching her painfully. She sobbed, trying to plead with him, to beg him. He was so dense and wouldn't listen to her. He was so stupid and wouldn't believe her words. He was broken and wouldn't let anyone inside of him. He'd never asked for her help. She'd given it to him when he'd needed her, but he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't take burdening her anymore. He was a waste of life, a waste of space. He loathed everything he was and he couldn't imagine how much she loathed him.
He would never get the truth. There was no hint of loathing in the look she gave him before his light went out. She was hurting. She was dying inside. He lied to her every single night. He lied. He told her he was fine. He told her everything would be okay. He told her he loved her and would hold her close. He told her…. He told her that he would live to make her happy.
She could hear the scream he released as he plunged his weapon into his chest, going straight for the heart. She heard herself scream over and over again as the nightmare replayed in her mind with every waking moment. She remembered running to him as he fell and it felt as though the world had slowed down. She caught him before he hit the ground. She held him against her, sobbing, stroking his hair, begging him to stop messing with her. She thought he was joking. He wasn't.
He loved her and he died, thinking she wanted that. He told himself he would never be good enough for her and he truly believed that she had never honestly loved him. How could she? "I love you," he whispered, his voice growing weaker and weaker with every passing moment. The darkness began to shroud his vision. There was no light. He smiled weakly at her, barely being able to lift his hand, but managing to do so long enough to thumb her cheek. I love you. Those were his last words before his eyes rolled back and his breath ceased its continuation rapidly, the rise and fall of his chest halting, the life inside of him fading away.
That was the day she lost him. She lost Anakin. She lost him forever.
Ahsoka held her knees up to her chest, staring at the place where he used to sleep. He would always sleep beside her at night. He always held her so tightly. She honestly believed everything had been okay. She truly believed she had been helping him. The Anakin she knew had died long ago. He'd been betrayed to the point where he became the betrayer.
She knew what he'd done. She knew everything. She knew he slaughtered those children. After all, she'd watched him. His mind had been so far gone. She couldn't imagine what he'd been thinking. She lifted her eyes from his pillow that she left untouched for two years and watched her son playing with Anakin's toys from when he was just a boy. He knew she was expecting. It was truly his baby, but he couldn't and wouldn't believe her. He kept accusing her of so many horrible things and she just let him hurt her. She thought he'd be okay if he let it all out.
Her son was innocent and he had been the cause – no. Her son was an innocent. He had done nothing. He was not at fault for the death of his father. That poor man felt so much self hatred and she hadn't realized it until the very end when he'd screamed for her to stay away from him, claiming he was the monster she should be afraid of. He screamed, begging her to get rid of the demon spawn he'd placed inside of her.
She, evidently, hadn't been able to bring herself to do what he'd asked of her. Her son was the only connection she had to him. Anakin would've loved his son if he'd lived long enough to see him. She missed him and she knew Little Anakin was missing him, too. The other children he played with all had daddies coming in to pick them up and he was the only one with one parent. He wanted his daddy, too. Every time he looked at her and said dada or daddy, she had a breakdown. She couldn't bear the thought of ever telling him about his father. Anakin's actions weren't all done with good intentions. He'd done some horrible things and she could admit to that. She just never admitted that in front of him.
Kriseron Anakin Skywalker was two and a half years old. He was speaking quietly, but his words never made much sense. She tried to pull out bits and pieces of it and she actually saw him drawing a picture of what he must've thought his daddy looked like. He would coo dada over and over again as he drew stick figures of himself, his daddy, and her. He was talented beyond his age and she just assumed it was due to the fact that he'd acquired Anakin's amount of sensitivity. The child was able to make sense of most things, but wouldn't make much sense of himself. He didn't understand why he only lived with his mommy and she knew he wouldn't understand.
He would resent his father for all of the things he'd done before his death. He would resent Anakin for physically harming his mother a few times out of blind rage for whatever his reason had been. Anakin, by the age of twenty-seven, had lost his mind. He believed he was a monster and tore himself apart. When she'd held him that night, she saw so many scars on his neck. She had no idea how he'd managed to survive because they'd been so close to his arteries. The more she observed him, the more her heart crumbled. She never knew he was hurting himself. He blamed himself for every little thing and he'd never said a word to her about it. She had no idea how he'd hidden it from her for so long. Those scars weren't from a month or two ago. They'd been there much longer. She'd touched him where the scars had been, but she'd never felt them.
She just didn't understand how someone she loved that much could do that to himself. She loved him beyond words and he couldn't bear the thought of ever losing her. He didn't want to let her go, but he let himself go in the process. All he wanted was a way out and he'd wanted it to be done alone. She interrupted and barged into his ending moments. She thought she could've stopped him, saved him, but she just couldn't. She was too slow, but he was far too quick. His mind was so far gone and she tried to help him. She begged and begged, but he gave in anyway. He gave into the darkness of his mind, the screams in him pleading for him to end himself.
He gave in, longing to end himself. She didn't know how scared he'd been as she stood in front of him then. His fear was a crutch. He almost stopped himself, but he couldn't. He had to kill himself. The voices in his head told him to and he had to go through with it. He knew that, deep down, she wanted him to do it. Ahsoka wished he hadn't done it to this day. Her heart longed for him every single time she looked at their son. She wondered how Anakin would act if he'd actually allowed himself the chance to meet his son. Would he have acted insane as he had before? Would he have relaxed and been happier? Was it even possible for Anakin to be happier after all of the mental breakdowns he had, after all of the self-inflicting harm he'd caused? To that, Ahsoka would never know the answer. She wished with all of her being that she could have five more minutes with him.
She wished she'd had five more minutes with him that day. She could have stopped him. She should have been faster. Her love for him should have been strong enough to save him, but he was too blind to see that. She wondered if he'd ever seen that at all or if he'd been enshrouded by the darkness that carried him to his grave the entire time. She curled into herself and resisted the urge to cry.
He'd left her broken, but she tried her hardest to put on a front and she succeeded when she was with her baby boy. She felt relieved when she was around her son and it was because he reminded her of Anakin. She just hoped that this little boy wouldn't end up the same way his father had. Anakin had always been a sweetheart. Ahsoka firmly believed that and she would stand up for him when someone spoke of him in a condescending manner. Though he was dead, had abandoned his lover and his son, Ahsoka still spoke very highly of her Master and lover. She was still asked why. Why did she defend him? The man had broken her heart repeatedly in more ways than one. How could she still love him?
When you truly love someone, you can never truly let them go. He had been compassionate. He had been so many things that Ahsoka loved. She pushed past the bad parts of their relationship and saw all of the good he did. She just wished he'd done the same. She just wished he was still with her to watch their baby grow up.
She would do anything to go back and save him.