Deadpool PI 1# the cheesy factory
Hi, I'm Wade Winston Wilson, yeah, WWW, no, not the World Wide Web ya jackass. Don't make that joke. I'm a freelance merc, merc with a mouth. May of heard of me? May have not. Like I care. …please read my comics? Anyway, I've recently taken up the role of private investigator. This is Deadpool PI. Ooh pie.
The Office: April 20th 6:52 pm
I was enjoying the meaty goodness of a taco, in the office when a note slipped under my door. I got up spilling some beef over my top.
"# %$" I cursed licking off the meat. I hurried over to the note and started reading it,
Dear Mr Wilson,
I have a case that needs investigating, I can't be seen around you otherwise I might get killed; I cannot risk that, Mr Wilson. My friend, Trent Beaver, is in charge of a cheese factory at the North side of LA, he was recently found drowned dipped in his melted cheese and placed between to crackers. I was the first person to see him, the police are thinking that it was an industrial accident but I think it was murder. Please help me Mr Wilson, you are my only hope.
-Harry Anus
I read the note twice over, I couldn't the first time, because I dripped some of my taco meat on it. But it was just to reread what was said really. I needed this case; the department was getting angry that I was paying my bills with Chimicangas and 1960s issues of playboy with half the pages stuck together with an unknown substance…
I walk over and grab my jacket and hat to put them on.
"LA, huh? Sounds nice."
LAX airport: April 21st 7:09 am
It's been 12 hours or something since I got the note. I caught plane an hour ago now I'm chillin' here, people are looking at me funny, might be because of my face, maybe because of the 13 tacos I've eaten. I'm writing this while on the taxi, maybe I'll survive to the motel room… We'll see.
Beaver Cheese: April 21st 9:36am
I walk into the crime scene wearing my red and black costume with red and black domino mask. People have been thinking I'm Spiderman. I've proved them wrong. Their heads are currently sitting on a rooftop somewhere. I start walking around looking for clues. A man with brown hair walks towards me
"Hey! Who're you?" He questioned me
"Wade Wilson, Private Investigator" I reply flipping out my cardboard badge, "I'm investigating the death of Mr Beaver"
The man simply nodded, "Trent Beaver junior" He states his name "I'm the new owner here, after…my father" He sighed looking down at the ground, he's a possible suspect. Has a motive.
"Where did daddy die?"
"O-Over there" He pointed to a large pot full of hot cheese
"Thanks" I state walking towards the pot. I notice a ladder over to the side and start to climb it, "% $* #& hell, where's my teleporter when I need it?" I lean over the container and put my finger inside
"YEOW!" I exclaim shooting my finger out with. It nearly burnt off. "How could he be taken out of here?" I raise a brow and look above. A large crane rests above, I smiles and look for an access point. I jump onto the arm and climb across to the cabin where I jump to the side. I look through the controls and call over the Beaver "Hey! Over here!" He jogs over
"Yeah?"
"How many people can drive this thing?"
"Most the men who work here"
"So can you?"
"Yeah, why?"
I nod my head and take out my fingerprint kit and start dusting for prints. Trent walks away again and says something on his walkie talkie. I ignore it and take pictures of the prints
"Interesting…" I say taking the notes. I continue to walk around the crime scene where I notice to large crackers with a body jammed inside
"I could say a cracker joke here…but it'd be too cheesy" I open the crackers up and a reeking smell comes from inside
"Oh god, this could kill something…" I pinch my nose shut and investigate the body. The cracker breaks and turns to crumbs
"I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles" I say coughing. The body is now covered in the dust. I run my finger through it and investigate it closly. It's not real cracker… my finger slides into my mouth and I gag
"That's…that's sawdust…" I look over the body through a magnifying glass. Through the cheese and sawdust I can briefly see a large red scar across the scalp
"Hmm…" I take a picture and draw another, I write down what I saw
"Beaver!" I call out. The man walks over and almost hurls over the body, "Who supplies your wood?"
"H&C wood supplies" He said through his hanky
"Okay" I write down the notes "Who has access to the wood here?"
"Here, I'll write down the names" He takes out a piece of paper and writes seven names down
The paper reads:
Isaac Marksman
Yark Stark
Martin Tamor
Robert Smouse
Bill Franklin
Harry Anus
Gerald Smith
"Any of these men hate your father?" I ask ready to cross out the names
"Oh yeah, Isaac, Martin, Harry and Gerald"
"Harry Anus?"
"Yeah"
"Can you give me an address?"
He nods and writes down the addresses of the men
"Thanks" I say taking the list and walking out the door
Anus home: April 21st 10:55
I walk to the house and knock on the door. A woman with large breasts and a revealing top opens the door, that's all I notice anyway.
"H-Hey, does Harry Anus live here?" I ask still staring at the bazookas
"Yeah, I'll get him. Harry!" She calls out moving out of the way. I walk in and a small mousy looking man walks in.
"Yeah?" He asks quietly "Oh Mr Wilson!" He says running upstairs.
"$%!+" I say chasing after him. "Get back here ya runt!" He jumps out the window latching onto a tree. I do the same but hit my head instead
"Sunava" I cry out and he starts running again. I shake it off and the chase continues. He runs through peoples gardens, I get closer in. A stick flicks up and stabs him in the arm
"OW!" He begins to cry, large streams of water drop from his small face, "You got me…" He says sobbing. I roll my eyes and grab his arm.
My motel room: April 21st 13:05
We stopped for tacos on the way and ate them in my room.
"Why didn't ya see me?" I asked raising my left eye brow, "Why'd you run?"
"I-I was scared" He stammered
"Of what?" I ordered
"Of-of Beaver"
"The kid?"
"Yeah" He nods still shaking
"He did it?"
"Y-Yeah…"
Three men smash through the motel room pointing guns at the kid and me
"Well…$#!+" I grab Harry and throw him under the bed. I reach for my katanas but am quickly shot in the arm, "Ow! That's not nice!" I jump through the window beside me and run around the side. The men raise the eye brows and look at each other confused. Perfect. I tap one on the shoulder and kick him in the face. I grab my katanas, this time no interruptions. I slash off a man's arm and kick him through the opposing window. "Take that bacon tit!" I slash another man upwards from his groin and through his head. The last one looks scared and drops his gun shooting me in the leg
"Ouch!" He punches me in the face and I drop my katana. I punch him back. He lands one in my gut. I slap him across the face and grab the other side. I smash him into the doorframe.
"Well that was uncalled for." I state and walk back inside.
The kid says "Thank you"
I nod and look over my notes, studying them carefully. One of the unconscious men walk in and plomp themselves on the chair in front of me.
"You wanna question me?" He asks
"Yeah. Who do you work for?"
"That's my business" He states leaning back
"Really? Think it's mine now, want me to chop off your arm like your buddy's?"
He becomes intimidated and scared, he starts shaking, "B-Beaver… you were too close to the truth…" I hear a gun shot outside and run out.
"What the…?" Harry lies dead in the car park with a bullet through his head.
"Nooooooo! Not him! Anyone but him!" I cry out, making a performance, bluffing, hoping Beaver will come out and admit he did it. He's the main suspect. Motive and evidence. Now I just need an alibi and he's all mine. Not literally…that's queer…ew.
Beaver Cheese: April 22nd 12:30pm
I walk into Beaver Cheese in the same out fir I wore yesterday.
"Beaver! Out here! Now." I ordered with a loud booming voice. The stupid looking man walks out innocently. Faggot. "Where were you at 12:00am 19th of April? Last Friday."
"Why I was at home making love to my sexy ass wife"
"Wife? What's her name?"
"Um… Dave"
I chuckle, "Always found you for a homo"
He clenches his fist, "Anything else?"
"can I speak to Dave?"
"N-No…"
"Why?" I ask raising a brow
"He-He's not here…"
"Where is he?"
"My father just died, Wilson! Stop playing these games!" He reaches into his pocket and grabs a 150. Calibre Magnum and aims it at my head "But me…I can play games…"
"Oh, oh after this can we play Monopoly? No…you're a business man… You'd be too good…wait… you just get everything from daddy"
My comment angered him, he pulled the trigger and shot me in the head. I dropped to the ground lifeless and some of his goons lift me up and throw me in the molten cheese. A saw dust cracker gets carted out on a forklift and I'm taken out of the cheese and placed on the wooden bed. They lower the lid over me. I become a cheese and cracker sandwich.
It took five hours but my healing factor kicked in. I feel a bit empty headed and smashed through the cracker. Three men guard my cracker and one gets stabbed by some of the wood
"Huh?" One of them say turning around, I punch him in the face. The last one looks like he's dancing to music on his headphones. I shrug and stab him in the back with a knife. He coughs up blood and drops to his knees. I shake off any excess wood and begin walking.
I put my back to the wall beside the doorframe and draw a pistol gripping the handle weakly. I kick open the door and aim it around. Inside was a man leaning over a desk and Beaver junior taking him from behind. I scrunch up my face
"That is almost disgusting…"
The men become shocked and blush. They pull up their pants and I shoot Beaver in the head
"At least I hadthe decency to wait til you had your pants up…" The other man runs out of the room flailing his arms above his head.