TABLES TURNED
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story, unfortunately. I don't know who owns them-but I don't.
This story SHOULD be considerably better than the other, partly because it isn't QUITE as long, and it was written more recently, whereas the other was a fifth grade production…and my first attempt.
Here goes nothing…
"Newkirk! What did you put in this coffee!"
Carter grimaced and looked at the multi colored specks floating in his tin cup. "Confetti?"
Newkirk narrowed his eyes, and then put on a hurt expression. "Just because I don't spoil you lads with the kind of cooking Lebeau makes, doesn't mean it's bad. "
Lebeau was serving time in the cooler, for cooking something for General Burkhalter and giving him food poisoning. Lebeau insisted it was an accident to the Germans, and insisted he did it on purpose to his friends- so now they had to suffer with Newkirk's cooking for two more days.
Hogan sighed. There was no point in staying in bed. It was just as comfortable as sitting on a bench in the main room. So he got up, and went out. "G'Morning."
Carter grinned. "Mornin' Colonel!" Colonel Hogan sighed as he was given a cup of coffee. "Ah..thank you, Newkirk..." Newkirk rolled his eyes dramatically. "That's IT!! Tomorrow you get tea. I CAN make that, you know!"
Carter groaned, and Hogan laughed. The bunk flew up before any retort could be made, and Kinch came out. "New mission, colonel- top priority." He handed the blue sheet of paper to Hogan and stepped back.
"Top priority- underground meeting in Paris. We're supposed to take back this spy named Pooh with us-he's gonna work with Max. "
Newkirk frowned. "Tell me it's not Pooh as in Winnie the Pooh..."
Hogan raised his eyebrows. "Winnie the...Newkirk?"
Newkirk rolled his eyes. "A rather new children's book, about a boy with his stuffed animals, who he thinks came to life. Winnie's his favorite."
Kinch smirked. "And you read this??" Newkirk looked bewildered a minute, then caught the jibe. "'Ey! I was reading it too me nephews last I was 'ome. "
Carter patted him on the shoulder. "Yeah, I saw it in a bookstore-he's fat and likes honey."
"Sounds like Schultz!" The others quipped in unison, then looked at eachother and laughed. Shultz came into the room at that precise moment. "Did I hear you say me?"
Hogan grinned. "Nothing Schultz. What do you want?"
Shultz huffed. "What do I want EVERY morning? Roll call. And I warn you-Colonel Klink is NOT happy...how do you say? Camper? Watch what you say. "
After thanking him for the warning, they all went outside for rollcall, and lined up efficiently. Hogan noticed that the other prisoners were efficiently lined up as well as the ones from his barrack. Schultz must have warned them all.
He was right.
"REPOOOORRT!!"
Schultz snapped to attention. "All present AND accounted for, Herr Kommandant. "
Klink waved him off, and started pacing, back and forth, everynow and then glaring at the men through his monocle. It wasn't REALLY that disconcerting-only it was cold, and they wanted to go back in. Hogan had mercy, and stepped out. "You wanted to say something? "
Klink grimaced in attempt to snarl. "Colonel Hogan meet me in my office. The rest of you...DISMISSED!"
The Allies spread out to go to their different barracks, and Hogan followed Klink up the stairs in a nonchalant way that seemed to further irritate the irate colonel.
________________________
"Colonel Hogan, you and your men are becoming arrogant. This is not the way a prisoner should be. You will change the attitude at one or pay for it. "
"Good morning to you, as well, Colonel. Thank you I slept fine. How did you sleep?"
Colonel Klink shook his fist.
"You see ? That is what I mean. You have no RESPECT for your superiors! You simply take what you want. "
Hogan rolled his eyes. "Sawdust in bread? Right. We're taking what we want alright...Colonel, you sound as if you have a problem. Care to confide in me?" He sat down, and considered snitching a cigar, and then decided against the idea-after all, that was one way to clam Klink up.
Klink rocked back and forth, then sighed. "You may as well know. I'm...not getting any younger, Hogan. And look? Is this anyway to spend the last years of my life? Running a prison? Get up, fill out papers, yell at some men, go back to bed- all without companionship."
Hogan sat up. "You don't consider me a companion? You know, I have the same trouble-only on the flip side. I'm the prisoner...but I sympathize." A plan began to formulate in his mind before he even finished.
"Say, why don't you take a break? Go to Paris-get some FEMALE companionship, that's what YOU need."
Klink snorted.
"That is a ridiculous idea, Hogan! Being a prisoner has made you lose military sense completely-I can't simply leave...though the idea IS appealing..."
Hogan smiled sadly. "Even two days pass would do the trick-give you time for the journey, AND a day for exploring sidewalk cafes, and searching out girls. I suppose it's EASY for you to get a pass, not so easy for ME. It's practically impossible to get even a 24 hour pass out of this place, you know Colonel."
Klink glared at him incredulously.
"I...might...Colonel Hogan, you are dismissed. Have a good day."
Hogan saluted smartly, then gave a saucy grin as he left, ruining the whole effect. As soon as he was out of the room, Klink grabbed the phone. "Get me General Burkhalter."
Hogan ran into the barracks. "Get on the bug! Listen for Klink and Burkhalter-I may have gotten us chafeur service straight to Paris. "
"Klink! Are you out of your MIND??"
"Yes! I mean..no, General. I just haven't had any free time in a while, and was wondering if I could perhaps have a 4 day pass to Paris? Ok..three??"
"Klink I don't have time to bother with you...but there isn't anything important going on-certainly nothing YOU need to be present for...alright, a 3 day leave, starting 72 hours from now. And you had better not cause trouble!"
"Yes sir! I mean no sir. I mean, thank you, sir! Heil Hitler!!"
At that the gang disconnected the bug. "Alright, we'll all go. "
"All of us? We'll break the bloody roof!" Newkirk was glad that he had also been selected to accompany Hogan on the trip, but still was incredulous.
Hogan chuckled. "No, because only Kinch and you will be on the roof. Carter will be the guard in the side seat, and Lebeau and I can fit in the trunk...that is if you've finished enlarging it, Kinch?"
Kinch smiled. "All taken care of sir...except what about Schultz? He's bound to wonder why an Allied prisoner is going to be the guard on the trip. "
Hogan winked. "I'll go have a talk with him. Newkirk, why don't you go tell Lebeau to expect a trip to Paris when he gets out?"
Newkirk grinned. "Certainly guvnor. "
**********************************
"No, no, no and NO!" Schultz shouted, walking away from Hogan. Hogan watched him pace for a moment, waiting for him to calm down. "Oh, PLEASE Colonel Hogan, I do NOT want any trouble on this trip. We are not just going into town! We're going to a different COUNTRY!" Hogan laughed. "We just want Carter to go along as a guard- the Allies may invade France while your there, and who's gonna speak up for you if there's not an Ally in the car? Huh??"
Schultz stopped. "…How do you know that the Allies will invade France?" Hogan grinned. "You really want to know?"
"NO no no no and NO!"
"Ok then. It's settled. You just don't make a scene, and we'll supply the Ally and the uniform. "
Schultz shook his head and whimpered. "You promise no monkey business??"
"No Monkey business, Schultz." At least, not what YOU think… Then Hogan sauntered back to his barracks. Newkirk came out of the bunk almost simultaneously. "LeBeau's going bloody nuts about going back to France. He gave me a list of what to pack, for Pete sake. "
Carter grinned. "What did he say about your cooking?"
Newkirk glared at him. "I didn't tell him, and if you know what's good for you, you won't either."
Carter gulped, and looked to Kinch for support. Kinch rolled his eyes and went back to his book.
***********************
"Kinch! I thought you said you made this trunk bigger." LeBeau and Colonel Hogan were all tied up in knots, trying to keep their appendages inside the trunk. LeBeau moaned. "I am going to have cramps. Imagine such a stiff walk on the beautiful streets of Paris…It's disgraceful!"
Kinch laughed. "I made it bigger Colonel. And I took out the spare tire, so pray for no flats on the way. "
Hogan gave a tired look, and they both sighed as the trunk slammed shut.
Meanwhile Carter came out of the barracks, tugging at the collar of his German guard uniform. "How do I look, Schultzie?" Schultz peered out, and then looked faint. "W-Where did you get that? I want you to be quiet on the road! If Klink finds out…I'll…I'll be sent to the Russian front, and YOU'LL be shot. "
Carter grinned. "I know. Don't worry, I'll be good"
Schultz snorted, and then gasped. "Get in! Quick!! Here comes the Kommandant!"
Newkirk crawled up on the top, and helped Kinch with the last of the baggage, and they both pulled the tarp over themselves, and fastened it. Sitting perfectly still was hard, but as the tarp made a rustling sound with each movement they made, to sit still was important! So they did so. Finally, after Klink fussed for a good five minutes, they got started. Now it was four hours drive until they reached their destination. A collective sigh that was almost audible rose from the roof, and the trunk. Only Carter was happy, eating a sandwich in the passenger seat of the comfortable staff car.
"Finally! Schultz, take my luggage to the fourth floor." Schultz froze as the luggage was 'handed' to him. His eyes shut, he took the last piece, and stumbled after the German Colonel into the Hotel. Carter parked the car in the back, and the Heroes took their luggage and went to a smaller hotel, to change from German uniforms to street clothes, to start their own leave. "Remember men, we have to meet here at the hotel tonight at 1am or earlier for the meeting. Those who are late will miss the next trip we make. " Exclamations of assurance were given. The men were delighted at the free time. Hogan knew they would be lucky if any of them got in by 1:30.
"Ok. And remember…don't drink ANYTHING!!"
As for Hogan, he just went straight to the meeting place, to become aquainted with 'Pooh.'
As he came up to the safe-house, he met an old woman gardening outside. "The garden is growing well. I grow Vegetable gardens, myself. "
The old woman peered at him. "Me? I'm like Mary quite contrary. I grow cockleshells. Hello, Colonel, I'm Pooh."
"Pooh…as in Winnie the Pooh?" After the row we had about it in the barracks, my men will kill me if I don't ask… The woman laughed. "Yes, as a matter of fact. Won't you come inside?"
Hogan followed the woman into the small house, where Pooh's hosts were. "This is Papa Bear."
The man and the woman looked at each other, and then back at the Colonel. "Colonel, we're terribly sorry that you had to come all this way but we were told not to have the meeting by London. They are sending Commandos into this area and they want us all out of suspicion. "
Hogan blinked. Then he gasped. "My men! My Germans!!" He thanked them for the information, and broke into a jog, hoping against hope that the men would be in the hotel…and they weren't. He sighed, and sat down. Maybe there would be enough time for them to get Klink and Schultz out of danger before trouble struck…What am I thinking? Just start formulating a plan.
When they were altogether, he briefed them. "This is not an ordinary commando raid. They're looking for prisoners-to barter with. We need to think of a way to get Schultz and Klink out of danger…and Carter, too!! But without arousing suspicion."
Then the sound of planes roared above their heads. "Blimey! They wouldn't" Newkirk ran to the window. They would. People were already parachuting out.
The Heroes could only watch as two were hit, and who knows how many others, they only knew as far as they could see. " LeBeau jumped. "Now what are we going to do? The only way we'll be able to get on the streets now is in our Bosche uniforms! And then we stand a chance of being captured!"
Hogan sat down. "We're gonna have to wait it out-and hope that our Krauts are smart enough to hide under the bed-or that Carter can talk some sense into them."
**************************************
Once realizing what was happening, Carter pulled the curtains shut. This was the most expensive hotel in Paris. All the big brass were staying here. It was only NATURAL that commandos would try to get in. He and Schultz were sharing a small room in a lower part of the hotel, while Klink had a room that was larger, upstairs. Schultz was hiding under his helmet. "We never have these problems at the camp…what am I going to do??"
Carter jumped "Klink!" For he heard Klink in the hall, demanding to know what was going on. He was about to run out in the hall, to shut the fool up, when Schultz stopped him. "No! You stay here. I don't want Klink seeing you!" And he went out. A moment later, everything broke loose, as a troop of commandos burst into this hotel, and were rounding people up. Carter tried to get out, but the people pushing against his door prevented him from reaching 'his' Germans in time to prevent them being captured. So, along with two generals, 4 other Colonels, 2 captains, and 2 corporals, not to mention some important civilians, Klink and Schultz were marched out into the street. Carter couldn't leave his room, as he did not have street clothes with him, and couldn't risk capture. So he waited in impatience. Boy, Colonel…how are we gonna get out of THIS one??
Finally, after what seemed like HOURS, Colonel Hogan could risk going out, and his men went with him. They went to the room Carter had told him that he was staying in, and found the depressed Sargeant looking out the window. "I couldn't stop them, Colonel. They're on their way to England by now."
Newkirk jumped as if pinched. "Blimey! They're POWS!!"
Carter said, "Huh?"
Hogan smiled grimly. "Klink and Schultz in a P.O.W. Camp. This should prove interesting. "
"What are we going to do, Colonel?"Kinch looked quizzically at the leader. Hogan sat down and started to massage his temples. "We'll have to get them back. We searched EVERYWHERE to get these two, and there aren't anymore to be had. We need them back…let's get back to Stalag 13, we can get a message to London from there…and we'll need to be there in case Burkhalter puts a replacement Kommandant in. "
Carter drove, and explained what happened sorrowfully at the gate. Newkirk, Kinch, Hogan, and LeBeau had in been in their former hiding places for five miles. Once Carter parked the car, they all went straight for the tunnel. "Kinch, get London as soon as possible. I'm going to see Hilde-see if anything has happened yet. Carter, get your regular outfit on-that goes for the rest of you, too."
Hogan had already changed into his uniform, while giving orders, and so he headed up, and the Heroes went to work. "Nothing's ever happened like this." Carter shook his head, as he put his helmet on a hook in the wall. Newkirk looked up from the boot box. "We get all the 'ard knocks. I'm not saying some of them, I'm saying ALL of them!" LeBeau was making some stew. "What are you complaining about? Poor Schultzie."
**********************************
Colonel Wilhelm Klink, Kommandant of the most secure prison camp of ALL of Germany, and Iron Eagle, was terrified. This was NOT supposed to happen. Schultz had been separated along with the other enlisted men hours ago. He was in a room with several other officers. And they were NOT in a good mood. So he sat down in the corner, and waited…for what? The journey to London had been terrible. The food was awful. He had complained about sawdust, and then caught himself using an American term he had heard Hogan use when complaining about similar situations. That had earned him some trouble! Hogan. That trouble maker planned this on purpose, to get even with me! But wait…he couldn't do that…could he? Klink moaned.
"Attention. You are all prisoners of war. This is an Allied operation. You will line up, and give your rank, name, serial number, and occupation, at ONCE. "
Klink tried to manage to stay at the back. If they knew they had captured a jailer of their OWN pows…things could be bad.
"Oberst Ruttrigur, Luftwaffe."
Could he get away with only saying that?
"Achem…name?"
Klink blinked. "Ahh. Colonel Wilhelm Klink, Luftwaffe. " The man taking names seemed confused. He turned to his commanding officer. "Sir? He wasn't on the list to be captured."
Klink smiled politely. "Hehe, yes, I was only on vacation! I haven't anything to do with your plans. So why don't you just send me back??"
"Right. Sure. Send him to…prison camp 7, lieutenant. He seems pretty harmless to me."
The guards weren't polite in the least, but at least they did not manhandle him. Grunting, he was led out to a truck that was being prepared to transfer prisoners.
"H-Herr Colonel! What are you doing here?"
Schultz, sitting on the floor in one corner of the truck, seemed astonished. "I II thought I'd never SEE you again!"
Klink rolled his eyes and adjusted his monocle deliberately, looking for a seat in the tiny, well filled truck. There were none to be had-the enlisted men were all on the floor already, and the lowest ranking officer was the aide of a general. Sighing, he sat down next to Schultz.
Fraternization with the enlisted men…tsk tsk, what is this world coming too??…this floor is hard.
_______________
-
Hogan came in, and Hilde looked up and smiled. "I haven't seen you since yesterday morning…what were you up too??"
Hogan smiled. "Can't tell you, Hilde-but I promise I haven't made any trouble. So what's been going on in the office?"
Hilde shrugged. "Not much-we'll have some free time until the Kommadant gets back…speaking of which, he's supposed to come back tomorrow morning. Pity.
Hogan smiled sadly. "Yes…pity…Well, Hilde, just thought something might have-" The phone rang, and Hogan shut up. Hilde answered. "Hello? Yes general. What?? Mein Gott! Jawhol, Herr General. Ja. Ja. Heil Hitler!"
And she hung up, looking surprised. "Colonel Klink has been captured by a Kommando raid in Paris! And Schultz, too, they think. The replacement will come to tour the place tomorrow, and then he'll start in two weeks being the new kommandant…Oh, Colonel Hogan, this is news!"
Hogan nodded. "Yes, isn't it! I'll go tell the boys, Hilde. Cya later. "
Hilde nodded absently, as he left.
"Hey, guys! Shape up. Our new commandant is going to tour the place tomorrow, then leave. We'll have two weeks to get Klink back, or we're gonna be in trouble. " That caused a bustle of excitement.
"Boy! A new Kommadant. I don't think he's gonna be as easy to deal with as Klink was, huh?"
Hogan shook his head. "Fraid not. If he's who I think he is, we're gonna be in a WHOLE lot of trouble. Ever heard of Lt. Colonel Frietlachs?"
Newkirk whistled. This guy was an adjutant at the 'second' most secure prison camp in Germany. "We'd better get ol Klink back, and fast!"
Carter nodded. "You said it, boy. Sacresha!"
LeBeau rolled his eyes, and then turned back to the stove. " I am making some appel strudel to take with us. Schultz will come if only for that."
Hogan chuckled. "Just hide it from Frietlach, and when he's gone we'll leave for England. Umm…Newkirk, LeBeau, you need to come with me. Carter, Kinch, you guys are gonna be in charge of the operation while we're gone, ok?" The guys nodded in agreement, and Kinch went to arrange a ride for the men that were going, and the rest started to get ready for the inspection/tour that was going to occur the next day.
************************
"Achtung!" A cold looking man glared at the prisoners. Hogan decided that it was no day to be cocky, and his stiff attention provided the mood for the whole camp.
Frietlach examined the prisoners. Klink has left me a nice, orderly prison camp. I think I shall continue the record of no escapes. Yes, this will actually be…enjoyable. He grinned a cruel grin, and walked up to the senior allied officer. "You are Hogan. Tell me, what do you think of the change in command…?" He examined the prisoner. Hogan stiffened. "I respected Klink-a fine officer and he knew how to run things efficiently. " Hey, why hurt Klink's reputation? The guy's never met him, anyway.
Apparently the man didn't like this answer, but he chose to let it go, and went on with the inspection, which went smoothly. 5 very relieved men re-entered the barracks, and immediately preparations for a 2 week-or hopefully less-trip to be undertook. "But…Colonel, what if one of the guards realizes that he hasn't seen you for a while?"
Hogan's eyebrows raised. "I'm active when Klink's around-with no staff around, I can fade out-say I'm sick. And Kinch and Carter will figure out how to keep the roll call filled…"
After receiving reassuring nods from the parties in question, the other three started to go. Hogan gave a thumbs-up to Kinch. Shortly after leaving the stump, a car picked them up for their journey to England.
***************
"So you see, sir, it's imperative that Colonel Klink, and Sargeant Schultz be released to go back to Germany. To not do so would mean the end of our operation, and possible the loss of the war. "
The pompous, old English gentleman that had control of the allied POW camps, narrowed his eyes in thought. Then, after a few moments, that seemed like hours. He shook his head decidedly. "No, I can't help you-sorry. It's totally out of protocol, and I seriously doubt that your operation has that much significance. "
Then he dismissed him with a wave of his hand. Resentfully, Hogan saluted and left. Newkirk was waiting outside. "Well sir? Do we go back?" Getting this interview with the stuck-up prig in there had taken at four days. Hogan sighed. "No. "
LeBeau looked at him reassuringly. "No problem, Mon Colonel-we'll just get somebody higher up."
Hogan shook his head grimly. "No time for that. We have 4 days left-and that's gonna be cutting it close as it is. "
Newkirk threw up his hands. "Then we're done for, mates-We are gonna get Carter and Kinch outta that place before shutting it down, aren't we?"
Hogan shook his head, and motioned for them to follow him into the coffee shop that they had been eating at for the last few days, the took a secluded table in a dark corner of the room. "Here's what we're gonna do. I am gonna round up a couple of my old friends to help with this. You guys get the following: rope, wire cutters, shovels, guns, and plenty of food for Schultz. OK?"
LeBeau nodded…"What is your plan, mon colonel? "
"I'm gonna break them out-and you guys and Robbie are gonna help. "
Satisfied with that response..though somewhat surprised, Newkirk and LeBeau went 'shopping' and Hogan set out for his buddy's flat.
******
"Let me get this straight, old chap. You broke out…to break your jailors out? And you want my help?"
Robbie poured some more coffee into Hogan's cup. "No offense, but have you gone raving mad?"
Hogan chuckled. "No, just nuts. The fact is, they are imperative to my operation, and there's no others to be had. So we have to go to these measures…will you help me?? "
Robbie grinned. "It was a lot of fun escaping your place last summer…how can I refuse??"
Hogan sighed with relief. "Ok, here's the plan…" Before he could go any further, the door knocked, then opened without waiting for a reply.
"Sorry, Roberts, old chap, but I have something very important tell you…Why Hogan, old chap! Fancy seeing you here? I see you finally took my advice, wot?"
Hogan winced as the officer came prouncing into his friends parlour. "Hello, Crittendon."
Crittendon sat down. Hogan exchanged weary looks with Roberts, and then resigning himself to fate, looked guardedly at Crittendon. "Why are you here, Crittendon?"
Crittendon poured himself a cup of coffee. "I'm going to be posted at Prison Camp 7 temporarily, it seems that we have some important prisoners there, that I'm to observe."
I thought that general said that all the important prisoners were sent to 9…the unintentional ones to 7…well, I guess even they want to get him out of the way. And into mine!
It figured that Crittendon would be there, when he was trying to break out Klink and Schultz. It just FIGURED. Hastily excusing himself, apologizing with his eyes for leaving Robbie alone with this cracker, he hurriedly went back to his men. "New kink in the plan-Crittendon's gonna be there. "
"NO! please tell me you are joking, mon colonel. " LeBeau looked sick.
Hogan shook his head. "Nope. We're gonna have to be REALLY quiet- and have a plan B on schedule to take Crittendon with us, or something. Newkirk sighed wearily. "Well, we got the stuff you need, Colonel-what are we gonna do with them when we have them?"
Hogan rubbed his chin. "Schultz we'll keep him busy eating…I suppose we can sedate Klink, and he'll think he fainted, or something…We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. We move out in 2 hours, and meet Robbie at the gate."
*****************
Klink grimaced as he looked at the moldy bread he had been served. At least he had a room to himself, where he could separate himself from Schultz, and the other enlisted men, but-this whole prison business was awful. No wonder Hogan and his men were always trying to escape! He rubbed his hands. It was AWFULLY cold in here! He left his quarters, to go stand by the stove. Schultz was sitting at the table. Funny, it did look a lot like the barracks back home. Schultz was moaning. "I'm hungry. Herr Colonel? Do you have any other food?" Klink rolled his eyes. "Yes, sergeant. In my quarters."
Moving with surprising speed, if not so great agility, the obese ex-guard disappeared into Klink's room, and shortly thereafter came out, chewing something. Klink looked around. No chance of escaping-and this place was not as bad as his own! But…there was no hope-maybe Hogan could do it, but him? No sir! After all, he wasn't so young anymore. He groaned, and went back to his quarters, extringuishing the lights, although it was only 8:30. Schultz's laughter could be heard as he taught the others a card-game that he must have learned from the allied prisoners, in Germany…Gin…
With these thoughts on his mind, he went to sleep.
*************
"I say, Hogan- are you sure you want to go on with it? You know how Crittendon can be…"
Hogan sighed. "I know, Robbie-but it's worth the risk. I don't like it anymore than you do."
Newkirk, who ducked the searchlight expertly-though it seemed strange, doing it in England, shushed the two officers. They came behind one building that was blocked from the searchlight rather well. Newkirk looked inquisitively at the colonels. "Will this spot do? It's as good as any."
After a curt nod from Hogan, he took out his wire clippers, and made short work of that section of fence. LeBeau taking the lead with a dish of Apple Strudel, the began peeping into the windows of the barracks, to get a peep at there quarry.
Schultz lay awake on his bunk, although all the rest had fallen asleep over an hour ago. His stomach rumbled. What was his wife going to think? He sighed, and then breathed deeply…and…what was that smell?? Sitting up, cautious not to awaken any of the other prisoners, he looks out the window-and sees-no! It can't be…He hurried to the door, and opened it, wincing when it squeaked. The people that were cautiously movng from barrack to barrack froze. With a loud whisper, "Le-Lebeau? Strudel?"
Lebeau grinned. "I knew it would work! Schultzie! Are you hungry? Come here!"
Ducking the spotlight, they ducked into a storage shed. Schultz took some strudel hungrily, and then looked at the people who were watching him. "Hey! W-what are you doing here? " Hogan grinned. "We came to get you outta here! Where's Klink?"
Schultz laughed. "He went to bed at 8:30…he's not to happy here, I think-me, it's ok. If only the food were different."
LeBeau grinned and patted him on the back. "You stay here and eat these, and we'll be right back, ok Schultzie?"
Schultz didn't reply-his mouth was too full. Hogan shook his head ruefully, and then left the building, followed closely by Roberts. "I begin to see why this guard is so valuable to you."
Hogan gave him a told-you-so look, and crept behind the building to the officer's quarters on the Barrack 8.
Peeking in the window, he saw Klink's huddled form under the thin blankets and nodded to LeBeau and Newkirk. Newkirk became a stool, and LeBeau popped inside. Dressed in Civilian clothes, he hoped that Klink would not recognize him. "Colonel Klink. Wake up!"
Grunt. Groan. Yawn. "What is it, Schultz!"
"Colonel Klink, get up, you've got to get out of here!"
"Corporal LeBeau? How did you escape? This is impossible!" Klink spoke outloud, and it sounded like a shout. "Shut up, mon colonel! Get dressed! I escaped because you and Schultz weren't there to catch me. So I owe you a debt. I am going to help you out…Then it's up to you, understand?"
The colonel was just asleep enough that that made since. Meekly he dressed, and warily allowed himself to be helped out of the window. Then the cold woke him up a little. "Colonel Hogan! Newkirk!…Group Captain Roberts???" Hogan wrapped his hand around Klink's mouth. "Why don't you just get us all arrested, Klink? We're gonna be in trouble if caught here, ya know. So please be quiet and come on."
Klink followed Hogan, and was watched carefully by Newkirk, who had to catch him from stumbling into the searchlight more than once. By the time they crossed the short distance to the storage shed that Schultz was stored in, the Corporal was exasperated, and wondering if all the trouble was worth it. They reached the storage shed, and LeBeau handed Klink some strudel-one of the last pieces. Roberts was shocked. A whole basket of Strudel gone in five minutes! Amazing.
Hogan sat down, waiting for Klink to catch his breath. He was in considerably bad shape. The door swung open. "I say!!" Crittendon looked betrayed, poor 'chap' as Hogan grabbed him and covered him mouth, pulling him into the shed…it was getting crowded. "SHH! Crittendon, just trust me. "
Klink looked up. "C-Crittendon?? This is crazy. "
LeBeau rolled his eyes. "Even for us."
"Roberts! Hogan! I demand to know what's going on here. " Roberts stood up. "I think Crittendon and I will have a talk OUTSIDE."
Hogan nodded. "Excellent Idea, Robbie."
Roberts 'helped' Crittendon out.
"Crittendon, I didn't want to pull you into this. Klink and Schultz are actually part of an important underground operation in Germany-and they were accidentally captured. When Hogan heard of it, after he escaped, he decided to help out-and it was a dangerous, voluntary mission. "
Crittendon snapped to attention. "Why, I volunteer to help-I say, I could have helped considerably. Won't you let me? Please?" Crittendon smiled hopefully. Roberts rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes-Hogan's in charge of this operation…oh, and it's top secret, don't mention it to anyone but Hogan and myself."
"But I say, Roberts. If Klink is an underground operator…"
Roberts clamped his hand over Crittendon's "I don't understand, but London High Command-"
The dropping of this lofty organization title snapped Crittendon back to attention. "If it's their orders-hear hear!"
Not thinking to ask any more questions, he went back in, and whispered to Hogan. "What do you want me to do, Colonel Hogan?"
Hogan looked half gratefully, half reproachfully at Robbie, who smiled and shrugged. Hogan sighed. "Ok, Crittendon. Um…you carry these. He handed the now empty basket to Crittendon, and filled it with the tools-wire cutters, etc. , and with a look placed him into Newkirk's charge. LeBeau had his hands full with Schultz, and he handled Klink- and that left Roberts to lead them safely out of the camp.
Miraculously, all seven of them got out safely, without incident. Now, Schultz was wolfing down food in the kitchen of Roberts' flat, and Crittendon was 'entertaining' or otherwise boring to death Klink and Newkirk, while LeBeau was making them some breakfast. Roberts and Hogan went into the bedroom, and sat down to talk a little before having to get the submarine that was going to take them back to Germany.
"Hogan old chap, I still find it hard to believe that you are willingly going back to that old prison-what is it compared to active duty?"
Hogan sighed as he sat back. "It's very active, believe me. There's seldom a night that I don't have a chance to get shot. There's always a risk-and we're doing a lot to cripple the German war effort…I think. Anyway, it's a great command, and I honestly wouldn't exchange it for yours."
Robbie laughed and gave him a look. "You wouldn't-I wouldn't exchange mine for yours, not by a long shot."
Hogan smiled and closed his eyes. "You know, it's been a while since I've sat in a friends house and enjoyed a cup of tea without worrying about being apprehended and shot as a spy=which I am."
Bringing up this thought was no good-it started him worrying about his 'boys' still in Germany-How were they doing?
"And so you see you don't need to worry." Robbie was apparently finishing a sentence.
"Huh?" Hogan looked sheepish." Sorry, I didn't catch that."
************
The guard that was temporarily in charge of Luft Stalag 13, looked quizzically at Carter. "What do you mean, they are sick?"
"I mean to say they are sick-I think it's something contagious."
Kinch put in-"Yeah- I mean, something smelled so bad this morning-It reminded me of a disease back home-not dangerous, but it's very uncomfortable, and extremely contagious. "
The guard snorted, and pushed them out of the way, and entered the barrack. A terribly nauseous smell assaulted his nose. He pinched his nose, and squinted through watering eyes to see if the sick men were indeed there-two lumps in the appropriate beds, and another limp on the bottom bunk of the Cl. Hogan's quarters. He hurried out. "Yes, undoubtedly a disease…everybody is confined to the barracks until the new kommadant gets here-no more rollcalls."
Carter exchanged a look with Kinch- thank goodness, they had been running out of excuses to use on the almost competent guard. Complaining loudly, they entered.
"Carter, I wouldn't have believed that disgusting chemical you spilled all over MY bunk on your way out would have actually produced good…but now the only problem is keeping our lunch stuck in this stench."
Carter seemed not to notice, and opened the windows.
************
"Colonel Klink- would you like some tea? Hogan sat down next to him, and the entire group-excepting Schultz, who was eating more in the Kitchen, began to enjoy a delightful breakfast in the dining room., LeBeau deliberately gave a certain cup to Klink, after receiving an affirmative nod of approval from Colonel Hogan. This cup had a sedative in it that should put him out for the entire journey. After he fell asleep, Crittendon started to make a fuss-until LeBeau slipped another pill in his. Then, with two slightly snoring people at the tea table, conversation was cheerful for a while. Finally, it was time to go. Reluctantly, Roberts went and got his car, where Schultz and the snoozing Klink along with the rest of the party crowded in. Only Crittendon, enjoying a delightful snooze on the sofa in Robert's parlour missed out on seeing them off.
Once on the submarine, Hogan sighed as he took an iron bar, and slammed it into Klinks head. Not a damaging blow, just one to leave a visible bruise on his head- so that they would be able to explain his sleeping, and minor memory loss. Newkirk and LeBeau were already coaching Schultz so thouroughly that he actually thought what they wanted him to think-and remember.
The journey only lasted 14 hours, and before getting off, Hogan pulled Schultz into his quarters. "Schultz, what happened?"
Schultz grinned, like a schoolboy who knew his lesson. "Colonel Klink and I escaped SINGLEHANDEDLY from a top security prison camp, and were on the way back to Germany, by sneaking onto a plane-but there was a fight, in which Colonel Klink got hit on the head, tsk tsk tsk…" He looked regretful, and paused. Hogan prodded him. "And then what happened Schultz?"
Schultz cleared his throat. "By ingenius actions, I saved BOTH Klink AND myself, and smuggled us both to Germany."
Hogan smiled satisfactorily. "Only one more thing, Schultz. What about Newkirk, LeBeau and myself?"
Schultz raised his finger. "That is none of my business. When it comes to you boys, when I will not get into trouble, I hear, see and know nothing."
Hogan stood up. "Very impressive, Schultz. Very. Now it's time for you to take Klink to General Burkhalter, and tell him what happened."
Nodding proudly, he took Klink over his shoulder, and started walking down the road.
Hogan chuckled, watching. "Poor Klink. Well, boys-this has been fun, but I for one am ready and willing to go home now-what about you guys?"
Newkirk looked reluctant. "Well, sir that's an interesting question. I would PREFER to go and have some shore-leave…"
LeBeau looked hopeful. "What do you say, Mon Colonel?"
Hogan gave them an incredulous look. "What? After the horrible last leave we had? No sir! We're going home, where it's safe!!"
**********
Carter felt sick. There was no way to put it but that. After all the deodorants, and cleaners they had used, nothing seemed to have changed. The mattress permeated the air with a bitter scent. And what was worse, they could not do anything about it-get rid of the scent, get back roll calls. Carter and Kinch just…spent a lot of time in the other barracks. Now, he was in the tunnel, getting a breath of fresh air, by peeking through the stump…just a little.
As he was taking the largest breath he could, before going back down, the lid to the trunk swung all the way open. He was caught! He fell to the bottom of the ladder. "Ow!"
Trying to stand up, he looked for something to fight off the invaders. He saw a walking stick in the costume box, and he grabbed it, and prepared like a bat. Squeezing his eyes, shut, he, swung. British, French and German curse words of all forms and fashions let loose.
He cringed, and opened his eyes, seeing Newkirk looking at him with half angry, half surprised look, rubbing his rump. "What the bloody hell did you do that for, Carter?"
LeBeau started cautiously climbing down, followed impatiently by Hogan, who slid down the last of the ladder. "What happened?"
Carter had turned red and was stammering, a walking stick held behind his back. Putting two and two together, he rolled his eyes. "Where's Kinch?"
Kinch stepped in. "Here, Colonel-oh, by the way- I wouldn't go into our barracks if I were you-it stinks like crazy."
Hogan raised an eyebrow. "What happened?"
Kinch looked at Carter-who looked like he was embarrassed enough. "Ahm, we spilt a chemical on one of the mattresses, made like you three had a very contagious disease. Got us confined to the barracks without roll call for the past two days."
Hogan smiled. "Ok, but we're back now-let's get rid of that smell, huh?"
Carter grinned, relieved that Kinch had not 'told' on him. "Right, Colonel!" He started to climb the ladder into the barracks.
By that evening, they had the barracks smelling-almost good, and LeBeau made up for the remaining slightly stale smelling room by making something that smelled delicious. The barracks confinement had been called off, as the disease had apparently ceased. So all the doors and windows were open, despite the cold.
Reunited, they played cards after dinner, and went to sleep contentedly that night, knowing that all would be right again soon.
The next day Schultz came in, all smiles. "Hey boys! I'm back! Did you miss me?"
Hogan rolled his eyes. "We saw you yesterday, Schultz!"
Schultz drew himself up. "I do NOT remember."
Hogan smiled. "That's good. Whatcha want?"
Schultz sat down, and took off his helmet. "The big shot wants you in his office-he's got a bad headache, but he still insisted on getting back to work after he heard that you almost had a different kommadant. "
Hogan grinned. "Ok, Schultz-cya."
********
"You wanted me, Colonel?"
"Yes Hogan. I just wanted to let you know that I am issuing better food for your men, and more firewood."
Hogan was a little surprised at this unexpected generosity. "Thank you, Colonel! To what do we owe this pleasure?"
Klink snorted. "I just found out that those things were terribly out of supply in the English prison camps, and we Germans must be on top of everything! Oh, Hogan it was terrible. I spent 3 days there before I escaped."
Hogan raised his eyebrows. "Oh? And how did you escape?"
Klink huffed. "I wouldn't tell you Hogan, if I could remember-which I cant. The last thing I remember is going to bed the last night. I must have lost some memory when I got hit on the head in a fight. Schultz told me all about it."
Hogan nodded, thankful that the story was clean of any hero-mess. "Well I'm sure it's very interesting, sir. I wish you could tell me every detail. Oh, well-we missed you sir. We missed you enough to go and get you ourselves, almost."
Klink laughed. "You missed me? Here have a cigar." Accepting graciously, Hogan sat back. Klink continued, "You? Escape to help me escape? Ridiculous Hogan-that's why your losing the war. But I thank you for your sentiment."
Hogan lit the cigar, and smiled. "Well, we really respect you, sir-You might say there's not a better Kommadant for Stalag 13 in all of Germany."
*************
Crittendon awoke with a headache on the guest bed of a strange house. Rubbing his head, he went in search of an aspirin. Roberts came out of the kitchen. "Ahh, your awake, Crittendon. Jolly good. You must have had a bit too much to drink last night."
Crittendon frowned, accepting the aspirin that Roberts handed him. All he could remember was that he had come to Roberts..to tell him he had a new position…shaking his head in attempts to clear it, he wondered why he was thinking of Hogan. Must be because it's at a prison camp, like the one he stays at. Batty chap, why doesn't he every try to escape?
Well, now you've read it. I beg of you to review, so that I will have the strength to post some more stories…and tell me, pls what kind of stories, ok?
KT13