"i think my soul saw you
and thought, "forget safety.
it's you i want, all burning
four walls of you.'"
-Pavana

Notes: You guys didn't think I could let the revival go by without swooping in with some new Logan/Rory fic, did you? I haven't written Gilmore Girls or Logan/Rory since I was a teenager, so this feels a bit like going back in time. For those of you that remember me from like 10 years ago, hi again! It's been awhile! Good to see you.

Heads up! There are spoilers here for Gilmore Girls: A Year in Life. Lots of spoilers. Big spoilers. Please don't continue if you haven't finished. Now that that's said, I have loved Logan and Logan/Rory for 10 years. I couldn't let his character assassination in the revival stand. Here's my take at fixing it. It'll be a few chapters.

Logan Huntzberger replays the question in his head. At night, it's the thought that keeps him from sleeping. When he wakes up, it's the first thing that enters his mind.

Are you really going to marry Odette?

He changes the scene, when he considers this question now. He fixes it. He opens his mouth and doesn't say anything about a dynasty, a family legacy he doesn't even care about. No, he says in his mind, I'm not really going to marry Odette. I'm going to marry you. He keeps it tucked away, this alternate timeline of his. He doesn't mention it when Colin or Finn ask him about Rory. He holds back when Honor calls and begs him to reconsider this sham of a wedding. It's his, this fantasy, this dream for what his life could've been. He wanted it. He thought he could have it.

But she said no.

That's what got him here, a thousand steps back from where he was years ago, even more from where he wanted to be. He asked Rory Gilmore to marry him a thousand years ago, stood in front of her and declared his love, and she turned him down. Looking back now, he can understand her decision. Looking back now, he knows it wasn't necessarily about him, but what she wanted for her life. But back then, he was devastated. He didn't know how to pick up the pieces after that. He put all his hope in her, put all of his faith in the knowledge that even if everything else in life went horribly wrong, he would still have her. And she would love him. When he lost that, he lost his way.

It didn't help that a year later, the company he started working for in California went under. He lost his job and that was it. Everything he worked for — his own career, a relationship with the woman he loved — disappeared within a year of each other. Lonely and directionless, he limped back to his father's company and found himself submitting to everything the Huntzbergers wanted. He didn't care anymore. His destiny, the one he pushed back on with everything he had, overwhelmed him.

He didn't care about about anything after that. Not until the day he saw Rory again, wearing that red dress. They reconnected .. and then they reconnected. All of the feelings he had for her then were still there. They never really went away. She knew he was engaged. He knew she was seeing other people. It didn't matter; they made it work when they could. Rory stayed with him when she was in London. She woke up in his bed. He made breakfast. They met for dinner and walked home hand-in-hand after work. When she was upset, she called him. When he needed to talk, he reached out to her. They slipped back into the routine so easily it was almost possible to imagine nothing had changed.

But it had. Changed. They weren't together, not really. There was no future. And every single time Logan thinks about calling off his engagement, every time he considers walking away from his family — again — a hole opens up in the pit of his stomach and swallows him. He remembers Rory handing the ring back to him. He remembers the phone call telling him that he lost his job. The last time he stepped out on his own, he failed. He can't handle that feeling again.

But a week before the wedding, he wakes up and the question is still in his head.

Are you really going to marry Odette?

Logan turns over in bed, staring at the pushed back sheets where his fiancee slept the night before. She left early, going to for breakfast with some friends. He knows she doesn't love him. He knows she's cheated on him, too. It's a mutual understanding between the two of them. This marriage is a business. Nothing else. But on this morning, that thought makes his stomach turn.

He thinks of Rory, the way her face lit up when she saw him in Stars Hollow. He thinks of their dance, how comfortable she felt in his arms. He thinks of their last kiss, how the bittersweet taste still lingers on his lips. He thinks of it, and he doesn't want to let it go.

He's climbing out of bed before he realizes what he's doing. He pulls on the first clothes he finds, throws the rest into the suitcase he keeps under the bed. Anything he doesn't need, he leaves behind. If he stops to think about it, if he stops to remember all of the reasons he hasn't left yet, he'll never leave. So he doesn't stop. He finds the spontaneous, stubborn person he used to be and holds fast to it. He keeps the image of Rory in his head, and he writes a note.

He imagines Odette coming home to find him gone, an envelope propped up against the bedside lamp. When he pictures it, she's not heartbroken. And he knows he's right. She'll find someone else to marry, another dynasty to enter into, and she'll forget all about him. That's why, when he walks out the door, he doesn't feel guilty.

What they had never mattered at all.

He's going to find something that does.

Rory's writing when she hears the doorbell. For the past month, all she's done is write. Everytime she stops, she panics. She panics because there's a life growing inside of her and she doesn't know how she feels about it, or if she even wants it at all.

She writes so she won't call Logan.

She doesn't know what he would do if she told him. She doesn't want him to return to her just because she's pregnant, but she doesn't know if she'd be able to handle it if he didn't come back at all. So, she stands still. She writes and she panics and she doesn't call Logan. It's the hardest thing she's ever done. He's been her source of comfort for so long that not seeking him out feels a bit like bleeding out on the floor and not applying pressure. She thinks she might be breaking.

The talk with her father replays itself in her head every time she considers telling Logan she's pregnant. She decides that maybe it's for the best that she raise this child alone, if she raises the child at all. The Logan she knew in the final year of her relationship wasn't the one she carried on an affair with. He lost his job, he lost her, and somehow he ended up going backward. Could that man really raise a child? Did she want him to? She will always love him, every version of him. She knows that in her bones. But now, there's another life to consider.

Sometimes, Rory allows herself to wonder what would've happened if she asked Logan to leave Odette. She never did, because she felt like she didn't deserve to. She turned him down once, after all. She doesn't necessarily regret that decision. She was too young. She wasn't ready. She's ready now, though, and all she wants is Logan. But what right does she have to ask him to leave his fiancee for her? She knows Logan doesn't love Odette, but the reason why he's marrying her is none of her business. At least that's what she tells herself every time she scrolls down to his name in her contacts and forces herself to put the phone down instead.

She does that now as the sound of the doorbell echoes through the hallways. Rory's been using her grandparents' old house to write in. Emily insisted on taking it off the market until Rory finished her book. She doesn't spend all of her time there. Sometimes, she writes at her mother's house. Other times, she sits in the Stars Hollow gazebo or at Luke's counter. He even gave her the wifi password. But there's something about Richard's study that just feels right. It's where she does her best work.

She sighs, finishing up her sentence before heading out of the study. The house is empty. There's still some furniture left, but most of her grandparents' things have been moved or sold. Rory sleeps in the room her grandmother gave her years ago, but it's filled with packed boxes.

Rory's not sure who she's expecting when she opens the door, but when she lifts her eyes she nearly collapses. She wonders if she fell asleep in her grandfather's study, because this can't be reality. She must look as unsteady as she feels, because there's suddenly fingers wrapped around her wrist.

"Hey, Ace."

His words ground her and she swallows, taking a step back, forcing him to let go. Logan's looking at her like he did when he left for London all those years ago: Serious, stoic, and so, so in love. He's looking at her like he doesn't want to lose her and she's confused because he already did. Her hand unconsciously travels to her stomach. She feels sick.

"What are you doing here?" she asks, folding her arms like she can protect herself that way. "You're getting married tomorrow."

She knows the date. It's burned into her brain. The word married tastes like acid on her tongue.

He stuffs his hands into his pockets, drops his eyes to the ground, "No. I'm not."

It takes him a moment to raise his head again. It takes her a moment to remember to breathe. Those are the words she's been waiting to hear for him since the moment he told her about his engagement. She thinks back to their last Life and Death Brigade adventure, thinks back to the closest she ever came to asking him to walk away.

Are you really going to marry Odette?

Now, he's standing in the doorway with her answer, but she can't speak or breathe or move. She thinks about the life growing inside her and she feels her body turn to stone. She doesn't know what to do now.

"What do you ...? I never asked ..."

She can't finish a sentence so she stops speaking. Logan smirks, dimples flashing, but the expression doesn't reach his eyes.

He juts his chin forward, "Can I come in?"

Rory swallows and steps back, gesturing for Logan to enter. She still doesn't trust herself to speak. She guides him into the living room, where there's still couches for them to sit on. She notices his eyes flicking around the house — taking in the stripped down walls and packed boxes — and filing away questions to ask later. She decides to answer them now.

"My grandma moved to Nantucket," she says, as casually as possible. "She's selling the house as soon as I finish my book."

"So you got Lorelai's blessing?"

"I did."

He smiles, "That's great. It's going to be great."

The words warm her and she forces the feeling down. She knows she has to tell him she's pregnant, now that he's here. She has to tell him because it seems like he came for her, and she can't let him do that without knowing everything. Will he bolt? Does she even want him to stay? She forces herself to breathe and takes a seat, waiting for him to do the same. He doesn't.

Instead, he says, "I love you, Rory. I don't know what the hell I was thinking."

"Logan—"

"Let me finish, please," he walks over now, sits down next to her. "I was terrified of loving you again. I couldn't lose you again. I don't know why it took me until now to realize that if I never tried, I would lose you anyway."

"What about Odette? Your family?"

"I don't care about them," he says, angling his body toward her. "I care about you. I want you. I'm not asking you to marry me. I just ... I need ... Just tell me if you feel the same way."

Rory squeezes her eyes shut, forcing the tears back. She doesn't want to cry. It's everything she hoped for, him sitting next to her like this, saying these things. Everything in her is screaming to tell him that she does, to kiss him, to never let him leave again. But she's going to have a baby. Maybe. And that changes everything. The decision she'd been dreading is suddenly here. She can lie, say she doesn't love them, and let him leave. Or she can tell him he's going to be a father and see where that road leads.

She stares, locking eyes with him as she searches for an answer. She told Lorelai a long time ago that Logan's eyes were the window to his soul, that she could tell exactly what he was thinking with a single glance. Looking into them now, she knows she can't lie to him.

He loves her.

Rory holds his gaze for a moment longer, memorizing every line on his face. She remembers how he framed her face, right before he walked away for what was supposed to be the final time. Rory does that now — silently, privately — before she opens her mouth to speak.

"Logan," she says, forcing the words past the lump in her throat. "I'm pregnant."