Pretend I Didn't Tear Your World Apart
Author's Note: This idea has been floating around in my head for a while. I just felt like writing Nichorello angst. The title is taken from So Nice So Smart by Kimya Dawson. Cross-posted on Archive of Our Own. I'm planning on writing at least 2 more chapters. Possibly more. Let me know what you think! I hope you enjoy! Soundtrack: playlist?list=PLtJcZcvt9JqnqjE-CbPnUETegWxJYRxjO
WARNING: This fic contains drug abuse, drug addiction, and suicidal thoughts.
When Lorna embraces Nicky for the first time since MAX, Nicky feels as if, for a moment, that her relapse won't matter. That Lorna (and of course, Red) can make it better. She should have known better. It isn't until later that night that Red pulls her aside.
"Nicky, there's something you should know," Red seems nervous, and it's so unlike her, that for a moment, Nicky panics. She's dying. She's sick. She knows what you did.
"What's up, Ma?" Nicky wishes she would never have asked.
"She's married."
It doesn't quite register at first. It takes a second. But with a wave of nausea, her brain processes what her mother just said. Married. Lorna is married. Lorna Morello (or whatever her surname is now) is fucking married.
Nicky runs and spills her guts into a garbage can. She can't tell if it's the news, the drugs, or some fucked up combination. All she knows is that this is wrong. All of this is wrong. She's shaking and sweating and aching, as if she's in withdrawal already. But she knows it's too soon for that.
After that night spent puking and sobbing in Red's arms (so much like her first night here), she keeps her feelings inside. Well, mostly. One day, she tries to proposition Lorna in the bathroom. Lorna turns her down, because of course she does. She says she has to stay faithful.
Nicky nearly laughs. If she were really faithful, she would have waited. Her last words as they dragged Nicky away were 'I love you too'. It feels like a punch to the gut, and Nicky almost vomits again. Perfect, Catholic, straight girl Lorna. More like mentally ill, bi girl Lorna. But Nicky's already tried to get her to accept who she is. She's sick of it now.
Nicky begins fucking any and every willing girl in the prison. Part of it is in return for precious baggies of white powder. Part of it is an attempt to forget the way Lorna would look up from between her legs after eating her out, and grin, with her lipstick smudged and her eyes bright. Nicky sobs out Lorna's name every time. She knows that sometimes Lorna can hear from the next bathroom stall.
Nicky honestly doesn't really care about much anymore. She shoots up, sleeps, skips meals, fucks girls, avoids everyone, and contemplates purposefully OD'ing. She knows that Red and Alex (at least, if not others as well), know something's wrong with her. She knows there will be an eventual implosion, and things will happen. But she's content to waste her life for now. After all, it's the only thing she's good at.