On tumblr: post/34529925124/five-times-jimmy-and-thomas-kissed-and-one-time-it
On AO3: /works/548633
Disclaimer: Downton Abbey and its characters are by no means mine, although I wish they were.
One - First Kiss
Their first kiss is not at all what Thomas had imagined kissing Jimmy would be like; probably because it comes completely unexpected. Thomas had thought that Jimmy would show affection like he looked - sweet, inexperienced, slow and tender. Instead Jimmy just grabs him by the collar one afternoon in the garden, and Thomas almost stumbles over his own feet when he is pushed back against the stone wall of Downton Abbey.
But now Jimmy is pressing their lips together in a sloppy kiss, and before Thomas has time to process what and why this is happening, Jimmy is already drawing back again. His hands still on Thomas' chest, breathless and looking just as confused as Thomas feels.
What did just happen? Jimmy can't honestly- But he has kissed him.
"Wow!" The footman seems to have found his voice again. "Wow, that was… amazing!" There is laughter in his voice, and Jimmy looks a bit embarrassed, but also so happy. Thomas wonders if he looks just the same, a soup of emotions – excitement, happiness, confusion, relief, and fear that he is only dreaming this.
"Does this mean", he starts, cupping Jimmy's face carefully with one hand. Thomas' voice is trembling; God, why is it trembling? Jimmy wouldn't do this if he doesn't feel the same, would he?
Of course Thomas has hoped since the day Jimmy entered the kitchen weeks ago. He's handsome and smart, and Thomas loves how his eyes shine when he is smiling. But he has never responded to Thomas' touches or words in the way Thomas had wished he would. Honestly, Thomas had already given up.
"Are you like me? Jimmy, are you in love wi-"
But the question -whether or not Jimmy really longs as desperately for Thomas as he has been longing for him- answers itself when Jimmy grabs his shirt again and pulls him down into another kiss.
Two – Nightmare
"I want to see it!"
"No, you don't."
Jimmy frowns at Thomas' stoned expression.
"It is part of my memory. What I've seen, what I've done, what I never wanted to happen", Thomas argues and puts his left hand in his pocket. "It's not pleasant memories, and I don't want you to be anyhow part of it."
Jimmy opens his mouth to argue, but Mr Carson is already calling for him and Thomas takes the opportunity to vanish through the door.
Ever since he and Jimmy became lovers, they started exchanging stories and memories about their pasts; more than Thomas had ever shared with a lover before. He still doesn't know what makes Jimmy so special, so different from the others, but he wants to keep him in his life as long as possible and he wants to protect him. That's why Thomas hasn't mentioned what happened to his hand yet. Or Courtenay. And he won't. He won't involve Jimmy, because Jimmy is a better man than Thomas and would only tell him how it's not his fault, how Thomas didn't deserve any of it.
That's just the problem; Thomas does deserve it.
"You don't deserve it!"
Jimmy's heart is pounding slow and steady beneath Thomas' ear, as Jimmy cradles him to his chest. He lets out another sob, while the tears continue to run down his face, soaking Jimmy's pyjama shirt.
They are half lying, half sitting on Thomas' bed. It is past midnight and it's a wonder that nobody except Jimmy heard him scream in his sleep.
Maybe it's fate, a voice in Thomas' head whispers. Maybe he is the one you should tell everything.
Thomas tries to ignore the voice, and concentrates on the sound of Jimmy's heart instead. It works only so long, because the pictures of the nightmare are coming back.
Pictures of the war and what grew from it.
Men Thomas has seen die in front of his eyes; the dirt, the blood, grotesque injuries and a man in a lake of blood because he had felt lonely, even though Thomas had tried his best to make him feel comfortable and wanted.
"I see them. Whenever I close my eyes I see dead people!"
"I know", Jimmy answers. "I've been in the war as well."
"But you don't whine about it!"
"I wish I would. Sometimes I think about it all and am disgusted of myself, because I feel nothing."
It sounds honest, and Thomas can't blame him for it.
"You are a good man", Jimmy continues, but he interrupts.
"Stop trying to make a Saint of me! I know I am not, but I don't need people remind me of it." Because everyone does. Everyone Thomas knows is judging him daily, because of who he is, although he can't help it. And those who don't know still avoid him, because others do.
"Then what would you have me rather say?" Jimmy pushes him away and looks angry. "I care for you, and this means I am going to tell you nice things about you until you start believing them, God damn it! Nobody deserves to be in pain for the rest of their lives, but I don't care about everyone; I love you!
But I can't be with you, if you rather want to make yourself feel bad, because you grew up believing that's the only way your life can go."
They sit in silence for a while, Jimmy watching him quietly, but Thomas can't bring himself to look at him. He feels tired and ashamed and God, he wants to believe Jimmy so much; that even he deserves to be happy, but he can't find another reason except that Jimmy loves him.
Maybe, starts the voice in his head again. Maybe this is enough.
Maybe he deserves to be happy, because otherwise someone will cry for him.
He doesn't know how long they sit like this, and just when Thomas opens his mouth to suggest that Jimmy should go to his own room again and get some sleep, because tomorrow is a long day, Jimmy asks: "Does it hurt a lot?"
It's just then that Thomas realizes, that he his holding his left hand in his right.
"Sometimes."
"Right now?"
"Yes."
Jimmy sits besides him again and takes the damaged hand in his own. Thomas doesn't protest.
"I've been a coward", he admits. "I wanted to flee from the battlefield, but I couldn't just leave. So I got myself shot and-"
He stops when Jimmy presses a kiss to the back of his hand, right on the ugly scar. And when he sees the tears in Jimmy's eyes, he feels how his own eyes become wet again.
Jimmy doesn't care what Thomas has or hasn't done, but he cares about what Thomas feels about it. He remembers what he decided the day Jimmy had kissed him for the first time; that he will do everything to make Jimmy happy. And if that means to be happy, then Thomas will try to be. For Jimmy.
It reallyis enough, Thomas decides.
Three - Love
To say that Jimmy hadn't worried about engaging in any sexual activity with another man, would have been a blatant lie. But when Thomas pushes him gently down on the mattress one night, it is all very slow and careful and Thomas' patience stops Jimmy from panicking. Well, not entirely, but maybe up to 90%. A bit panic should be natural, he thinks.
He then tries to think not at all, and it works. Kind of.
Thomas is gentle, so gentle that none of the other servants would believe Jimmy - not that he plans to tell anyone how he is spending his time with the valet anyway.
While slowly undressing him, Thomas keeps kissing Jimmy the whole time. First to go off are fly and waistcoat. But once his shirt is unbuttoned and Thomas reaches for the waistband of his trousers, Jimmy can't help but stop him and quirk a questioning eye-brow at the -still- full clothed man. As an answer he gets an amused snort and rolling eyes, but Thomas obeys and strips out of his own clothes, before his hands wander back on Jimmy's body...
Afterwards they lie lazily on their sides, facing each other, limbs tangled in a mess of sheets. The older man is already half asleep, but grins at him; green eyes shining up at Jimmy under black lashes.
"So", Jimmy smiles. "That was quite alright, but it is certainly showing you are a good decade older, Mister Barrow. I thought you'd be fitter."
"You are a bastard!" But Thomas' smile is too bright to take it serious.
"I hope that's synonymous for 'I love you' ? ", Jimmy mocks.
"Yes, it is."
"So I should worry whenever you call me nice things then?"
"Would make it easier, wouldn't it?" Thomas reaches out and brushes some strains of hair from Jimmy's eyes. "I can swear at you the whole time in public, and nobody would know I declare my love for you over and over. …That's a whole new level of romantic, don't you think so?"
"Ugh, no! I don't want to be insulted; people would think I'm a lousy servant."
"Well, sometimes you are! For example, the way you hold the wine bottle at dinner is-"
"Oh, shut up!", Jimmy growls, but it doesn't sound as angry as he had intended – because this is the man he loves and Thomas just grins.
"Make me!"
But Jimmy is already over him and seals his lips with a long, lazy kiss. He feels how Thomas quirks a smile under his mouth and then there are hands in Jimmy's hair, moving in perfect sync with Thomas' lips when he starts kissing back.
They both enjoy these slow kisses, because they mean time, and how often is it that they have enough time to share with each other without the fear of being caught?
They part and smile at each other. Jimmy plants a last kiss on Thomas' forehead, then he snuggles his head into Thomas' shoulder and feels Thomas wrapping his arms around his body, holding him as close as possible.
And cuddled together like this, they doze off into a long sleep.
Four – Night
It is horror.
Alfred is standing in the door, Jimmy is lying in his bed, and Thomas is over him.
It is at least half a luck that Alfred blames Thomas and not Jimmy. Everyone is blaming Thomas, and Jimmy can't say anything, because Thomas has decided that they don't need both to get fired. So Jimmy just sits there and doesn't say anything, lets Thomas do all the talking with Carson, while Anna comforts him.
Thomas' sacrifice is moving, but wrong.
The next day there is no sight of him, and Carson catches Jimmy even before breakfast and tells him that Thomas had to leave, and that now everything will be alright. Jimmy just nods and tries to smile. It sure looks painful, but Carson takes it as a proof of what everyone thinks; that Thomas tried to seduce the young footman, because Thomas is a lost soul.
Five - Reunion
The following weeks are painful, because Thomas is gone and Jimmy has to pretend he's glad about it. The note Thomas left him tells him not to do anything he might regret later. Like leaving Downton. Thomas tells him he will write again once he's found a place to stay, so Jimmy waits.
Almost everyone is kind to him; whatever that means. In their minds it is kind to comfort Jimmy after another man harassed him. In his own ears it is the sound of blaming someone for loving him.
And that's just so wrong.
When the first letter from Thomas finds his way to Downton, Jimmy locks himself into his room. Thomas is well and in London. If he's having any big problems, he's not telling it.
From then on, Jimmy is feeling better. Thomas might not be with him in Downton, but he still loves him, and wants to see him again - if Jimmy is still interested. Jimmy answers to that with a short, rude note, because why on earth shouldn't he want to see him again, and Thomas never mentions it again.
Of course Jimmy's happiness doesn't go unnoticed and one morning O'Brien asks about all the letters he receives. The whole breakfast table looks at him, and Jimmy answers that he met a girl not long before he came to Downton, and she finally decided to answer him.
He doesn't miss the devastated look on Ivy's face.
And then, almost one year after Thomas had to leave, Jimmy tells Mr Carson that he can't stay any longer. He says he still has nightmares about what Thomas did and that it won't get better as long as he stays in Downton Abbey. Carson doesn't look happy, but doesn't try to convince him otherwise, either. They are all very kind, wish him luck. Jimmy hugs Ivy, and whispers: "I bet Alfred is so tall, because he has such a big heart." She looks confused, but Jimmy leaves before she can say anything.
Thomas is waiting for him at King's Cross.
They fall into each other's arms, and just stand there in an embrace; Thomas is sobbing quietly for some moments, then he takes Jimmy's hand and says the three most beautiful words: "Let's go home."
Jimmy takes his bag and starts following him, but then Thomas suddenly stops, sighs and drags him into a corner.
The kiss is very soft, just the slightest brush of lips, but enough for the moment. No need to risk anything.
"Couldn't resist", Thomas whispers.
"That's alright", Jimmy whispers back. "I'm just going to assume we can continue this later?"
Thomas laughs, and it makes Jimmy laugh as well and finally he feels light and free, and obviously Thomas feels the same.
Jimmy takes his hand again.
"Are you happy?"
"I am."