Disclaimer: The original story The Man in the Iron Mask and the Viscomte de Bragelonne is copyrighted to Alexandre Dumas. The 1998 film version is copyrighted to United Artists and the screenplay copyrighted to Randall Wallace. All original comments are the work of writer Ambiguous_Umbra with the assistance of JM. Additional comments are copyrighted to 300 screenplay writers Zach Snyder, Kurt Johnstad, Michael Gordon, Lynn Varley, and of course, Frank Miller. Other comments are copyrighted to House M.D. creator David Shore and The Outsiders author Susan Eloise Hinton.

Note: The comments eluded to above are referenced in this part of the story only. I'll include more disclaimers for the other two parts of the story. ((Hey, the legal stuff is important.))

FEATURE PRESENTATION!!!

A dark creepy dungeon in France

Aramis: (monologuing in his rich plumy voice) Prisoner 2,696,784,930,002. The DiCaprio in the Iron Mask….

Cut to…

Parisian City Streets

D'Artangnan: -gallops about on his horse-

Cityfolk: -fighting with one another in the alley and making all sorts of ruckus-

D'Artangnan: -decides to ride through them in order to stop them- Kowabunga!

Cityfolk: -start chucking food at him. As soon as he's gone, they start fighting with each other again.-

D'Artangnan: Crap.

Aramis' Crib

Porthos: Jerem- I mean, Aramis, stop contemplating your role as a priest and hang out with these hookers and I!

Aramis: (shakes his head) Every bloody time…

Hookers: -swaying about and laughing in order to show off their cleavage-

Porthos: Flee ladies!

Hookers: -flee-

Porthos: Don't you realize that there are better things to do besides pray for your immortal soul? That stuff can wait! Sex is important now!

Aramis: Did any one ever tell you your nose looks like a butt?

Porthos: -farts to illustrate his point-

A fight ensues.

D'Artangan: They're at it again. Ever since they got fired…

Aramis and Porthos: Hey! It's the kid!

D'Artangan: Too bad I can't stay. His royal bratness needs to have words with you, Jerem-, I mean, Aramis.

Athos's Digs

Athos: -wearing a hideous wig- Relax, dear. After all, these things come naturally.

Raoul: -using his perpetual John Malkovichian acting skills- I'm thinking of asking her after the coquilles and before the froe gras.

Athos: Here have a shiny ring.

Raoul: Sweet.

The King's Palace

Random dude: -muttering random stuff about war maneuvers-

Louis: Don't I look stunning?

Dr. House: This wig makes me look like a pansy.

Louis: I need the yellow sash to match my silky blond locks.

Dr. House: By the way, there's some hobos and miscreants demonstrating outside of your palace.

Louis: Good, good. Give em' that lard that's sitting at the docks. That'll make em' shut up.

Aramis: My cross is crooked.

Louis: It's Jerem- Aramis. I need you to find that paparazzi who took my photo when I was in the bath. He's been distributing the photos to these people called the Jesuits.

Aramis: Maybe you should talk to him yourself? After all, I'm sure, for a price, he'd make those pictures disappear and donate that money to the people who need it. -looks about suspiciously-

Louis: No. He thinks I'm somebody named Leo DiCaprio. It's not going to stop until he's dead.

Aramis: Okie dokie. Btw, what happened to your accent?

Louis: -ignores-

Cut to…

Outside King's Palace

Christine: That woman's gown is nicer than mine. After all, I'm just a poor seamstress who can somehow still afford to wear elegant and refined clothing even though her family is slowly dying.

Raoul: -perks a brow- Yeah. I think her gown is nice too.

Louis: -watching them creepily- Mmm… chicka chicka

Random advisor: Yeah, Raoul's hot.

Cue the pompous and completely unnecessary scene where Louis walks down the steps and stares creepily at Christine and other women with large cleavage.

D'Artangan: Your bratness, I thought you should know that--

Louis: -surrounded by air headed women- Can't be bothered now.

D'Artangan: Fine, I'll go over and bother Raoul, even though I think your life might be in danger. He looks like he's not busy.

Raoul: -practically on one knee- Christine, will you…

D'Artagnan: Hey! What's up!?

Raoul: Frig.

Louis: It's time for my favorite part of the party! To watch all of you morons chase this swine across the grounds, in an attempt to catch this ball of Cubic Zirconium. Readysetgo!

Raoul: Ha, a way to avoid proposing! -flees to capture the pig-

Christine: I guess I'll wander aimlessly in this direction. -fountain blocks her way- Oh! Maybe in the other direction.

Louis: -standing not two feet away, turning on the fountains-

Christine: -completely ignoring his existence- I'll go this way.

Louis: Yeeeeesssss…

-Meanwhile everyone is tripping over each other trying to capture this pig that somehow has enough agility to outrun every person there-

Christine: Hmm… a place I'm obviously not supposed to be.

Louis: Hey, baby.

Christine: Ugh, who are you?

D'Artagnan: -hides behind another fountain- Great! The king is turning into Matthew McConaughey.

Louis: Don't fight it, baby. -leans in for a kiss-

Random waiter: -comes running around the corner with a knife- For Leo!

D'Artagnan: -flings sword-

Sword: -completely ignoring the laws of gravity and physics, slices through water and hits random waiter in the chest-

Random waiter: -drops-

Louis: Holy crap!

-Raoul and Pony Boy show up in just the knick of time- ((Pony Boy was a character apparently named Lieutenant Andre. However, his name was never given in the film and we dubbed him this as a tribute to The Outsiders))

Raoul: -grabs Christine- Flee!

Random waiter: Free Leo DiCaprio!

Louis: -stabs waiter a second time even though he was already dying- Look what you did to my hair!

D'Artagnan: Fine! Don't say 'thank you' or anything…

Louis: Get me someone important!

In D'Artagnan's Office

Queen: -walks in, showing off her long neck- Thanks for saving our son, I mean, my son.

D'Artagnan: Anything for the prima ballerina.

Pony Boy: -looking concerned- Athos's kid just dropped out of the Musketeers.

D'Artagnan: Did anyone ever tell you that your head is eggplant shaped?

Athos's Digs Again

-there is a strangely androgynous person playing the violin at the window with his back to the door-

D'Artangan: It must be Athos's maid…

-dude turns around- Athos: Oh, D'Artangan!

D'Artangan: Eeeee…

Athos: It's been so long. I'll put on the kettle.

D'Artangan: What happened to your accent?

Athos: -ignores- I've saved this bottle of wine for you. A 1522 Pinot Noir. It's to die for.

D'Artagnan: Whatever. Listen…

Athos: -starts talking about the past, blah, blah, something about grown men in uniforms-

D'Artagnan: Hey, um, listen…

Athos: My son is all grown up and is about to propose to his gf. Things couldn't get any better.

Raoul: -enters looking completely wasted- hiccup

Athos: Sweety, what's wrong?

Raoul: -looks at D'Artagnan uneasily- I've got to go back to the war. The king wants my chick.

D'Artagnan: He's been relying a little too much on Mr. Palm and his five fingers.

Athos: -over enunciating all of his words- You tell that little prick he'd better get a handle on his middle leg or I'm going to do it for him.

D'Artagnan: Umm…

Back at the Gates of the Palace

Pony Boy: -running about frantically, shouting orders- Captain, the entire city of Paris is coming to attack!

D'Artagnan: Great. It's one thing after another…

-a swarm of people come out of nowhere and begin attacking a couple of Musketeers who can't defend themselves worth crap-

D'Artagnan: Don't shoot 'em. Let me try talking to them.

-talking fails-

Random Townsperson: -chucks some unidentifiable red fruit-

D'Artagnan's sword: -once again ignores the laws of gravity and is able to slice one fruit and stab the other within seconds-

Townspeople: Oooh, awww…

D'Artagnan: Tastes like shit. I'll speak to his bratness personally. My words are as good as gold.

Townspeople: -leave- So much for a riot. Guess we'll try tomorrow.

King's Super Secret Lounge

-Louis and random chick having sex.-

Louis: Well, that's enough for the family jewels. I'm going to go make a sandwich. -walks down to his bedroom-

D'Artagnan: -comes out of a wall-

Louis: AHHHH!!!

D'Artagnan: Get over it. Listen, Paris just attacked your front door. Thankfully, they were only armed with rotted food, which they said you gave to them, btw.

Louis: Hmm… that was House's idea…

D'Artagnan: Also, there's this Sheila who you've had your eye on. I'm suggesting you back off. She could turn out to be a gold digger or something much worse.

Louis: Well, unless she's going to turn into Medusa, you'll have to do better than that.

D'Artagnan: Crap.

Out in the hall

Dr. House: It's not lupus.

Louis: -opens door and rips badge off of House- Execute him!

Dr. House: Bite me, Cuddy.

At the Frontline of the war

Raoul: Send this note to the palace. I'm sure with how slow the mail is these days, it will take several weeks to get there.

-canon's fire randomly in the background, not hitting anything-

Raoul: -stands and runs up the hill- Tonight we dine in Hell!!!

Rest of men: Okay, sure. -run up the hill-

Canon: Boom!

Raoul: -dies-

Christine's House

Christine's mom: -hacking in the background-

Christine: Get your own water! I've got to finish this stitch!

-letter slides under the door-

Christine: -gets it, opens it, and wails-

Athos's Digs

Athos: -answers the door at midnight- There can't possibly be anything wrong. -opens letter and wails, then knocks over a candle which could have lit the entire house on fire.-

The next day…

Athos: -grabs his sword- Time to execute the middle leg.

Outside the palace

-random guys on horseback cross the screen for no reason-

Pony Boy: Express mail is here.

D'Artagnan: -scans list- Ohhh shit.

Umbra: A reminder for you all. This mail arrived in a matter of days…

Athos: -arrives on horseback and brandishes sword- I've come to do what I said I would do.

D'Artagnan: Please. There must be another way besides circumcision. After all, he's a guy…

Athos: -punches D'Artagnan and goes kung-fu on the other Musketeers, stabbing one in the heart and slashing a few of the other's throats-

D'Artagnan and Pony Boy: -tackle Athos to the ground-

Athos: -snarlclawgrowlwheeze-

D'Artagnan: Listen, Raoul recited a line from '300' which is a grave offense to the Dutch. Please don't do anything that would result in your own death.

Athos: -gets up and glares at D'Artagnan- "The battle is over when I say it is over."-retreats to his horse-

D'Artagnan: -rolls his eyes- Oh great. Another Leonidas wannabe.

King's Dining Room

Christine: -glances at the food- Eww… is this snail?

Louis: How do you like your new digs?

Christine: Well, I guess they're okay. But they could be better. But I didn't come here for that. Now that my bf is dead, I don't have anyway to take care of my family. I mean, multi-tasking is hard. I have to stitch and be a nurse maid. And now I have to do it alone…

Louis: -checking out her cleavage- I've hired a doctor so that you don't have to be responsible for anything anymore. So just sit here, relax, drink your wine and take in my beautiful façade.

Christine: Ummm… whatever. -gulps down her wine-

In her suite…

Louis: -locks door- I've fallen in love with your thick mannish eyebrows.

Christine: Not to ruin the moment or anything but my bf just died.

Louis: -thinking quickly- Love me as a man and not for my money.

Christine: Okay. -kissing commences-

Another section to come soon...