A Real Reason for Angst
One thematically appropriate night, Tifa found Cloud crying in the bathroom. "What's wrong?" she asked him.
"Nobody understands me!" he sobbed.
"You just need to learn to open up" she replied.
"It's not that!" he whimpered like the little bitch he is. "It's Fanfic writers! They legitimately do not comprehend how my character works! They keep making me gay for Sephiroth or Genesis or Yuffie!"
"Cloud, Yuffie is a girl. She just doesn't have massive, distracting breasts like I do."
Cloud rolled his pretty blue eyes before responding like any good tsundere. "Sure, Tifa, you keep telling yourself that and maybe what you caught her doing to that Sora kid and his ridiculous key-thing won't be an abomination in the eyes of God and haunt your dreams for the rest of your natural life. Anyways, my point is that nobody understands that I am not, in fact, into moogle dolls or big black cyborg Mr. T clones or whatever the fuck Red XIII is! I didn't dress in drag because I'm into it! I'm not constantly daydreaming about how sexy it made me look, or fantasizing about myself taking my dead best friend's cock from behind while wearing it! I don't spend endless, lonely nights ruminating on the taste of Reno's long, hard…"
"Cloud, you're drooling."
"What? I—MOTHERFUCKER, NO. I will NOT be turned on by dressing in drag. Cut that shit out." Cloud pathetically mewled to nobody in particular. Determined not to allow his yearning for a good plowing to shine through his effeminate façade (an act akin to hiding an explosion behind more explosions, if explosions were total man-sluts), he continued with his denial-themed sentence. "I dressed in drag to save my supposed girlfriend from the human version of Jabba the Hutt! That straight enough for you? I went to INSANE lengths to do it, too! I had to beat a gay guy at a homoeroticism contest and go to a whorehouse on the off-chance that I would find some lacy underwear to fool some horndog into letting me be eye-raped by a chubby creep, all so I could save my love interest! If anything, this proves I'm TOO straight!"
One eyebrow arched coldly, Tifa responded, "Yeah, there's nothing gay about ignoring the talking pair of breasts that clearly want to bone you throughout the game, even when you're comatose. You're so straight you spent most of the game trying to 'settle up' with Sephiroth, which sounds less like the term for killing his pansy ass and more like a euphemism for repeated casual sex."
Cloud spluttered as though he couldn't decide whether to spit or swallow. "There is literally nothing sexual about my bond to Sephiroth! I just want to beat his ass raw for using me like a meat puppet! Wait, let me try that again. I only dream about him because I've got a piece of him inside me and he's forcing me to come…to…shit, give me a second. I'm going to make him pay for thrusting his long, hard sword into…hold on, I can do this…run him through with my extremely phallic buster sword and…no…show him my limit break? DAMMIT, WHY CAN I ONLY SPEAK IN INNUENDO?"
"Frankly, I'm surprised you've gone this long without talking about how he 'stabbed' Zack even though you saw him first. I've got to stop falling for guys with a crush on Sephiroth."
Cloud, now flustered almost as much as he was the night he got his v-card punched, if you know what I mean (I mean he had gay sex), angrily demanded, "Why is 'stabbed' in quotes like that? That's not a euphemism, he really did stab Zack! What do you mean, 'guys with a crush on Sephiroth'? I. AM. STRAIGHT. I like WOMEN. The major twist of the game hinged on me liking women! How could they miss that?"
Tifa sighed. "Cloud, you just don't understand that you are way too cute to be straight. We can't help but pair you off with dudes, because you look like you would make the cutest squeals of pain! We writers will go to any lengths to ignore established canon if the subject of our filth-ridden minds looks sexy enough! It doesn't help that you're a classic tsundere, and everyone knows how we yaoi fans love to watch that icy façade melt into cute expression that conveys pain and pleasure simultaneously and eventually admit that you love—"
"Christ almighty, STOP." Cut in Cloud, desperately trying to hide the erection that Tifa's explanation had given him. "I don't want to hear about—What the fuck? Please tell me this boner is because of your improbable cleavage and not your sick speech just now."
Tifa's malicious grin went perfect with her mocking tone as she replied, "I don't want to spoil the surprise, so let's just say I'm only still talking to you because it's almost my turn. Now tell Squall to finish up back there already. I just got this new extra-large strap-on and it has your ass written all over it. Or rather, it's about to..."
And at least one of them lived happily ever after. The other walked funny for about a week.