Temptation Waits


Chappu. There were so many painful memories when I thought of his name. After he died, his death was the prominent memory I could remember. If I tried, I suppose I could have thought up a happy time we spent. It's sad, that after our relationship, it only brought me hurt. I was distracted when I heard his fate. Soldiers, war, and Sin, they were all pointless. It was all not worth Chappu's death. When he was killed, a part of me was killed and gone forever. I was never the cheerful young girl I used to be. Not that I was ever cheerful. I grew more depressing, the sadder I felt, the more I kept it inside. No one noticed. I had a Summoner back then. Her name was Ginem. I didn't have a bond with her like I do with Yuna, but it was growing. I loved her in a sisterly fashion; I was the one to protect her from the demons in the shadows. But I failed. We were so close, so close to succeeding. Getting the Final Aeon. She was killed. I was young. That's all I've been telling myself these years, that it was not my fault I was inexperienced. I can remember the fiends horded over her body. When I met her, or what remained of her, in that cave where Yojimbo was, I was empty. I felt like I was going to cry, but I couldn't. When Yuna said she would become a Summoner, I cried. I knew she would succeed. Her will was so strong, and I was a veteran in magic. I would not fail as a Guardian. I was ready. I cried for Yuna, I cried for all the Summoners, I cried for me. I remember looking into a mirror and seeing the black tears that ran across my pale skin. That reflection in the mirror was burned into my memory forever. I would never cry. Never again. Yuna, she'll die. And that will be that. I will lose my little younger sister. The one I was the older sister to. I can remember many happy memories with Yuna. They will all be forgotten when she summons the Final Aeon.

Tidus was sitting on a rock, explaining to us the story of our journey. I was watching the expressions of the group throughout most of the beginning. Wakka was staring at me. He loves me, wants me, and adores me. He is not Chappu. Yuna cried. She still had tears left. Kimahri watched Yuna in a protective manner; he was alert for any fiends. Rikku was bored. Auron was so hard to read. He most likely was thinking of Braska and Jecht. He never thinks of other people, he never thinks of himself. When Tidus was telling about our Luca trip, Auron stared directly into my eyes. It felt like he was staring into my soul. I think he suspected I was up to something. I smiled. His eyes focused back to Tidus. I think he sees himself there. Soon after observing Auron, I left. I was not interested about hearing our journey. I looked at the pyreflies among the ruins, when he appeared. Seymour. He managed to fade in before my eyes, like an illusion. His hair was in his usual unique style. I laughed inwardly at him. He's such a pitiful fool and an ignorant weakling. He amuses me.

"Lulu. Away from the group?" he drawled in his silky voice. "How surprising. You captivate me. I know your past. I know how you respond. I know what I can do to make you respond."

I stopped walking. I turned around to face Seymour, to look into his Guado eyes. His hand was placed on my arm lightly. I decided to give him some attention. Poor little child.

"The past is gone," I spoke firmly. "Only the future remains. You will have no future. You are pathetic. You couldn't even marry Yuna."

He flinched and then screamed "Chappu!" It scared me. His hand gripped my arm tighter. "You could be free of your pain. Free of your memories of death and destruction. All you cause is pain. You could let others be free of your luck. Let them live their lives. You are the cause. You could free Yuna of her destiny. Let her die, and survive without the weight of summoning. Wakka will finally give up trying to get your attention. Tidus will be free from his father, free of Sin. Kimahri is a lonely Ronso and Rikku is a hated Al Bhed. I don't know where to begin with Auron, but I suppose I could fill you in if you insist."

I took his hand off of my arm. He disgusted me, he really did. But I thought over what he said. I thought of Yuna, drained by the Final Aeon. Tidus would not have to worry about his father, and Kimahri would never be lonely. What he said made sense. I would free everyone, and I would heal everyone. I would kill them. I would free them all. I just had to decide who first.

"Seymour. I do not like you. I like what you have said." I replied. He grinned and disappeared.

The words Seymour spoke bothered me. I was so insecure. I was insecure about everything and everyone; perhaps it was because we were nearing the Final Aeon. I had doubts about myself the whole entire trip, but in Zanarkand it was the worst. I knew that they would support me if I needed it, but I felt like I could not support them. I knew I had to owe it up to them somehow. At that time, I needed advice. But everyone was too involved with himself or herself. When Seymour appeared, I was calm. From past experience, I knew Seymour was foolish. But that Zanarkand night, everything seemed to make sense. Whether it was my imagination (I hardly have any imagination), or just the way Seymour affected me that night, I do not know. He does have a type of charisma, though it is quite hard to describe. When he spoke those words about freeing friends from their fate, I was troubled. It all made an odd sort of sense. Who would want to die? But, who would want to suffer? If the only way to stop suffering was to die, then would it be good to die? Would life be a proper sacrifice for a chance to experience without pain? The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. It scared me, the possibility to end suffering made me more insecure. I wanted a place where I could go to and rest. I wanted someone to hold me and ease my suffering and calm me down. But that would never happen, would it? Spira was all about suffering, was all about death. The only people who did not suffer in Spira were the ones already dead. Life was, and will forever be, a contradiction. I did not want to be in the middle of the contradiction, I wanted there to be another way out. And if it was a choice between death or suffering, I would choose death. Yuna would choose suffering, because she would rather sacrifice her happiness than her life. It was my duty as an older sister, as a Guardian, to help her realize the truth.

I walked slowly back to the camp. The fire had burnt out; everyone was sleeping save Kimahri and Auron. I yawned. My thin wrists were pale and shaking, I prayed silently to Yevon that no one noticed. I prepared myself mentally. I quickly went through my mind to check what spells I had practiced, learned, and perfected. The four toughest elemental spells would come in handy, but my real weapon was Flare. I dreamed of Ultima, but knew it was out of my reach. I only had to wait for the opportunity to use Flare, and everything would turn out in my way. I quickly remembered about Bio, and that everyone in the group was human. Except for Kimahri. The Ronso would be a problem. I was not going to kill for my own benefit, but for theirs. It was the least I could do. The Ronso would be up all night; hopefully the swordsman would take a short break. Probably not. I walked to where Wakka was sleeping. He was clutching his Blitzball tight, like a child. Who was I to say that Wakka was a child? My Cait Sith & Master doll was in my arms. Wakka slept the farthest away from everyone, the most easily isolated. I still could not believe I was thinking like this, thinking that Wakka was an isolated victim. Was I so heartless and was I cruel to kill someone in cold blood? I was beginning to have second doubts. I remembered the look of adoration I received from Wakka earlier. I would never look at him as I viewed Chappu. I think deep down, Wakka knew this. He was too afraid to admit it; his suffering would take him down. I sat down near Wakka, letting Cait Sith & Master wander about. My foot accidentally snapped a branch, and Wakka opened one eye. I mentally cursed my clumsiness but I put a sly grin on my face. I hoped Wakka did not notice the cold look I gave him, before covering it up with a smile.

"Lu? That you? " he spoke. Who else would it be?

"Of course. I'm sorry I disturbed your sleep, you looked like you were having nice dreams," I said. He sighed and sat up. He rubbed his eyes, and stared at me with a cute Wakka smile. I could not help but admit to myself that he was cute when he wanted to be. Or was it that his Wakka smile reminded me of the Chappu grin? I wished deeply I could put my past behind me, but I knew it was to no avail.

"Aww… Lu. You never bother me. It was only a light sleep, ya? Don't worry about it. Why are you here? Not that it matters, I'm always here for you. That was corny, ya?" Wakka said. I loved his accent. He was funny, and devoted, but something was not right. I am just picky I suppose. His mannerisms were too like another humorous, caring, Island human. I could not go through it again. My own silent suffering always had to deal with someone I had lost. I did not reply to him. I just sat there with a stupid look on my face. I did not know what to say. I was lost in thought. I think Wakka realized this. He was always keen at reading my feelings. He was one of the only people who usually knew what I was thinking.

"Get some rest. We all need it. It's gonna be a tough journey tomorrow, the day's only gettin' shorter. You look pale, I think you should get some sleep. But I'm always here for you, no matter what. You, Yuna, this whole gang- they're my happiness. When I'm with ya, all my pain seems to just disappear. Lu, we're near the Zanarkand temple. The pilgrimage will end soon, ya? But I'll always be there for you, " he said. I think his words took a lot out of him. He scratched his neck, and was embarrassed. Saying those few sentences seemed to free his soul from something. I think he was satisfied. I did not know what to say. I did not know what to do. I silently rose up and over to my small sleeping place. Cait Sith & Master's foot steps were the only thing I heard. Before going to bed, I had only one question. No thoughts, no opinions, no death wishes. I only had one question.

Why do things always have to be complicated?