This fic is different in tone and writing style from my other fics. You are allowed not to like it, but please don't be too harsh! Beware: loooooots of angst.
Will put the lightbulb into place. The walls shook a little.
10:30, the Seattle train. Today, it was on time. That meant the tracks weren't frozen anymore and Will was grateful for the weather change.
He had put off buying a new coat, hoping he wouldn't really need one and he had gone to work with chattering teeth, rubbing his arms, uselessly.
Luckily, his manager hadn't ask him to go out, and the store rooms were acceptably cold.
He had bought lots of cheap coffees from busy street vendors to warm up a little and only got fleeting thoughts of better drinks in better cups.
Now, it was Saturday night and he could attend to the necessary repairs, at least the one that didn't require new material or equipment.
For instance the wallpaper tearing down was going to stay that way a long time.
He had put a few posters up and borrowed a nail and hammer from a neighbor to hang up the picture frame in front of his bed. It was crooked but he was used to it.
Just for this, he was overly prudent not to get broken in. There was nothing else to steal, in fact, a burglar might feel compelled to leave something behind.
But poverty wasn't the worst. What Will had found the hardest was to leave with the memories. To fight the pain. To stop the images from replaying in his head.
There was a television set in the apartment already when he started renting it. He had tried watching it but it didn't help. There were happy people on it, well actors pretending to be, at least.
As a little kid, he had wanted to be an actor for a while. He had had many dreams about the future and none included this loneliness, this extinction of feelings.
He had made his choices, he knew it. Sonny was better off. Everybody was.
Sometimes he wondered about them, how they were living, if they wondered about him. The rational part of his brain assumed they did. The turmoil in his heart doubted it. Maybe he was easy to forget. Sonny had.
Sonny who was with the better man, now. The future doctor. Mother-approved. At ease with himself.
And Will was on his own, roaming the streets of Chicago, head bent, avoiding passer-by's gazes. He was carrying on, just, because he was shielding himself from the world.
Sonny used to be that shield. He even pushed him to face his fears and take risks. Will had and failed and now his heart was a burnt, desolate place.
He went to a local charity shop, now and then, to find clothes. He had arrived here with what he was wearing that day and slept in the streets at first, until he got a week's pay.
He didn't own a phone, nor did he give anyone a mailing address. He had vanished and it hurt and it freed him too.
On one of the trip to the charity shop, he befriended one of the volunteer. The man didn't advertise it but he was gay, Will knew it.
He didn't try to flirt, it would have been stupid. First, because he had no chance of it working, he had always known Sonny was the gorgeous one in the relationship. And second, it still felt like cheating.
But they talked and Will even helped the man with the stubborn battered computer in the back. James explained he had a good job and lots of time. He liked giving back that way. Will understood.
In fact he had time on his hand too. He offered to help on the week-ends. Well, the Sundays. That way, he would be around people who wouldn't judge, nor ask questions.
So, the next morning, he extracted his stiff body from the tight bed, shuddering and weeping, as he always did. Because Sonny wasn't there in the bed with him. He would have traded everything to be with him and yet, in the trade, he lost all.
He was early and offered a very decent coffee. James wasn't there that day but he would be the next week, he had said. Will shook a few hands, fixing a small polite smile on his resisting lips.
There were boxes coming from the whole state. They started sorting. The clothes were going in one shop, the other objects in another. Will looked at all the faded Christmas decorations. His heart took it and he carried on sorting, like an unthinking robot.
Which is why, when he opened it, the shock was stronger. It was all in there. Everything. He had given it away.
Will took the small mp3 player he had thrown into Sonny's hand that night before running away. Why not use it? Did Sonny want to forget him even more, throwing away every reminder of him?
Apparently, yes. The watch he had forgotten at his place. The Valentine's day card he had given him in person. He could still see the smile it had gotten him, through his tears. Even his phone number, on the scrap of paper, not that it would work now.
He sobbed and sobbed until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He prepared an explanation, a way to say he wasn't up to helping. But it was James. He had to swing by to bring some papers for the accountants and he helped Will up and took him and the box to his place.
Will sat in the hot tub, drained and achy. Soft music was coming from speakers. The place was big, a nice modern loft, with lots of windows. James was living alone after his partner had left him. He owned the place and liked it a lot. Will felt in heaven there.
He joined James and a smoking cup of hot chocolate, sitting on the comfy couch and started explaining. He needed to, now.
"I love you, Will, I really love you." Will couldn't believe it. Sonny was holding his hand. They were sitting on a bench, watching Will's siblings play at the park's slide. Will had confessed his feelings while looking ahead, whispering them in the wind, hoping they would get lost, hoping they would get heard... Sonny kissed him, caressing his back, murmuring "I love you" again. Will had bought the Valentine's day card the next day and sat to write the rest. What he couldn't voice at all. How he loved waking up next to Sonny in the morning. How he liked plunging his hand in his hair because it gave him an anchor, as every time Sonny kissed him, he felt like he was flying away. How he didn't have hot dreams about him, rather cozy one, where they lived together in big houses in the country. How he didn't need hot dreams anyway, because what they had, what they shared filled him to the brim with contentment and happiness. They had been dating for four months. Sonny's mother was talking with either one of them every single day, trying to make them break up, for the sake of Sonny, for the future she had dreamt for him. Sonny was strong. Will was plagued by self-doubts. Maybe he was in the way. Maybe she was right and doing the right thing. But he couldn't bring himself to break up. And on that fateful night, everything had crumbled down. He had no idea what Neil had been up to. He had helped him because he liked to program and he was good at it and Neil was a nice guy. He had to be. He was his first kiss, after all. And no one had suspected anything, expect EJ. He had interrupted Will and Sonny's date and at first Sonny had stood up to him. Will couldn't talk. He was trying to understand. Neil was being prosecuted and he had taken Will down with him. And said that Will had helped because they were lovers and were trying to make money from the selling of company's secrets so that they could go to New-York together. The lie was so horrible Sonny had believed it. Will had tried explaining on the phone, after he was released from the police station – the charges didn't stick. The police believed him, but they were the only one. He had found Sonny in Brian's arms and thrown away his valentine's day present at his lover. Then, he had gone to his mother, his grandparents, to seek mercy. He had gotten despising words and something in him had snapped. They didn't trust him, any of them. So he'd better go.
James stayed silent for a while. Will didn't expect a lot. He had learned not to.
"Would you like to live here? As my roommate?"
"I can't. Afford it, I mean. My job... It doesn't pay a lot."
"That's the thing, Will, you were quite impressive the other day with the charity shop computer. And what you helped your f... this guy with... That was complex programming. I'm looking for a new tech. I think I can trust you."
"What do you want in return?"
"You to stop crying and get better."
After a few weeks, Will was. Not happy, but human again. Going out even. But not at gay places. He still couldn't.
One morning he woke up and realized with horror, he had forgotten it. Sonny's picture. It was still at his old apartment. Or it could have been thrown away.
He put his new coat on and ran there and talked to the landlord. The man wasn't very nice but he still asked the new tenant. He came back and gestured to Will to follow him. Will walked in the damp corridor, wondering how he survived all this.
"Could you take all of your crap with you, now? You're lucky I kept it!" What did the man mean, all?
He went back with the frame and the small package. It had been delivered there. His name was on it. Along with plenty crossed off addresses.
James gave him a questioning look. Will didn't bother explain and opened the package. It contained a note and silk paper. On the note it said "Still looking for you." Folded underneath, a dry rose.
With trembling hands Will typed on Jame's laptop to find a phone number.
"Abi? It's Will..."
"Will?... Oh my god! I'm so glad to hear you!" She was sighing and squeeing and Will felt bad for leaving her behind too. She had so many things to say, he couldn't ask anything.
Sonny was never with Brian. The guy had stolen a kiss from a distraught Sonny but then seeing Will again made him think and he realized how wrong he had been and immediately looked for him. But Will had vanished. Adrienne had tried to invite Brian over but Sonny had been firm. So, Adrienne had thrown away Sonny's things that she had found in the mansion, well given them to charity apparently. Sonny had yelled at her and spent the night talking with Abby about it. Now, he only spoke to Justin. Who had cleared Will's name. He had visited Neil in prison and gotten him to tell the truth. Will was awaited now.
But should he go back? They had refused to believe him in the first place. He had been too trusting, that was true and a little stupid but he had paid a very expensive price. So he thanked Abby and swore he would call back later.
For the next day, he reflected. The tears were back, flowing in a quiet and continual manner. James tried talking, but Will shook his head. He was grateful, more than he could express, but he needed to make his own decisions. He went to the harbor to look at the boats that would travel on the lake, some of them would be reaching Salem, maybe. Should he cut ties entirely, move on?
He came back and heard voices. Had James brought back company? They hadn't settled on what they should do if one of them brought dates home ('one of them' being James. Will smirked at the idea he could ever...) yet so Will went through the kitchen to his room silently. Half an hour later, he heard the main door being opened and then James shouted "Oh, fuck, wait! His coat is here!"
Feet ran to his bedroom and stopped at the door. Will stood up and walked to it. He pressed his right side along the wood, pressing his ear and his hand.
"Will..." It was just a whisper. It could be anyone. His father. His friend Chad. Even Abby, although it felt male.
So Will waited before opening the door. To keep the illusion alive for a little longer. The package had taken weeks to get to his door. Sonny must have given up now.
"Will, forgive me, please. I shouldn't have let him kiss me. I was so hurt... But I hurt you more. I can't live without you. I need you. Please..."
Will pushed the door slowly and looked into Sonny's dark, warm eyes. The answer was there. He could go back and be trusted again. He could stop tightening his chest like he did until now, as if his heart was on the edge of falling.
He held his hand to Sonny's cheek and felt him sigh. Their lips met, cold and yet hot, tender and yet forceful. They walked backward in the bedroom and let their body recognize each other. The memories flooded in, the good ones this time.
Sonny spent the night. He laughed with James at breakfast and let out Will off his arms when he had to leave for work. He was there when he came back, having cooked all day and James talked about adopting him. But Will said Sonny had an awesome dad already. He didn't bring up Adrienne. But he showed the salvaged box to his boyfriend and Sonny was swept away. That night, they decided they would live together.
So they did.