A/N: This is set Post Lost City during S8 and is the sequel to Half Light, so is also slightly AU. Many thanks to Lilac for the awesome beta, advice and general sounding board! Enjoy :)
She'd been acting a little odd lately. He knew that. But he'd figured it was the change in their statuses that had been to blame. He'd been promoted, then so had she... And honestly, she'd really been supportive over the whole thing in her typical 'Carter' way that at some point along the line, he'd convinced himself that the niggling doubts at the back of his brain weren't actually real.
She'd continued to build things, blow things up and had even smiled in the all the right places, and so what if one or two of them were fake? Jack felt that he'd been starting to settle into some sort of stride, even despite the whole 'Goa'uld pretending to kidnap your friends while they're really stranded in an underground laboratory' scenario. Jack had told Daniel at the time that they needed to come up with a better name for that.
It wasn't until a good few weeks later that those few niggling things really started to rear their head again. The drinks they were meant to have when Sam returned from San Diego had somehow turned into a promotion party for the both of them, despite being almost a few months late. Jack wasn't sure whose idea it was, and how so many members of the SGC had turned up when it was meant to just be the four of them. But somehow there were about twenty people in his house and Sam's fake smile was back. He still can't say how he knows which ones are real and which ones aren't. Just that he knows.
She was drinking a lot tonight. She usually had a couple of beers, laughed with him when Daniel started to get just past tipsy, and always went home looking a little buzzed. But tonight she was downing them a little too quickly and he distinctly got the feeling she was trying to accomplish something. Like trying to forget.
"Do you even know who invited everybody?" He asked when he found her out back, standing quietly on the porch.
Sam's eyes slowly found his and she shrugged effortlessly. "Beats me..." He watched as she turned back to gaze up at the stars. "Though if I had to guess, I'd put my money on Daniel..."
Jack raised his eyebrows at her. "How much?" He canted his head.
A small smile worked its way onto her face, and for one tiny moment the fact that it was real made all the difference.
The sound of laughter filtered out from the living room and with all these people here, he supposed one more wouldn't have made much difference. "You know, you should have invited Pete."
The smile faded from her lips and the apparent casualness of Jack's tone suddenly felt wrong. His throat abruptly felt dry and he took a swig of beer.
"I'm not... we're not..." Why were the words so hard to say? She knew he'd be bewildered about the fact that she hadn't said anything sooner but with everything that had happened lately, the subject had never come up. And really how easy was it to blurt out into the conversation anyway? "We're not seeing each other anymore..."
"Oh..." Jack's eyes studied her, his lips poised to apologise.
Sam waved him off with a hand. "It was my decision," she said, "Things just weren't working, you know..." She shrugged at the last bit, unsure of how to put it into words. Sure, she'd figured some things out while visiting her brother in San Diego, but there was a difference between realising that and then acting on it.
God, she felt like she was in a rehabilitation programme with a 12-step guide.
Jack was still frowning at her and she couldn't help but smile sadly at the madness whirling in her head. She didn't know how any man could ever get the opportunity to figure her out, if she didn't even understand herself half of the time. Least of all the man standing in front of her.
"What?" He asked. He shifted slightly, trying to face her.
"Nothing," she replied, and canted her head at him to reassure him. "I guess..."
"You guess what?" He asked her again, softer this time.
"Sometimes I think I try too hard..." She paused for a moment, weighing the words up in her mind. "Dad always taught me to aim high in life... but... maybe that's part of the problem."
"Life doesn't live up to the reality huh?"
"Exactly..." She sighed and shook her head. "I mean, I know I should have ended it sooner, after the whole background check fiasco but..."
He had never asked what happened after that situation. But then Hammond had offered to give Pete a certain level of clearance, and he honestly thought it had helped. "There's no shame in wanting to make things work..." He offered up.
Her gaze fell on his, almost suddenly, and Jack couldn't help but let his own eyes roam her face as he struggled to figure out what he could say. But Sam stayed silent, and he suddenly wasn't sure if anything he could offer her would be enough right now anyway. Seeing her with someone else had stirred up something that he wasn't ready to admit just yet. But seeing her like this - distressed and disorientated and alone... it was just as gut wrenching.
"Sometimes wanting something just isn't enough though, is it...?"
Her whispers reached his ears and Jack found himself unable to look away. He wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her everything would work itself out. But he couldn't do it. Truth was, he couldn't drum up the courage to lie to her, as much as they danced around the truth sometimes. And there were times, recently, when he didn't have a clue what she wanted. Especially given the whole Pete scenario.
He took a deep breath. "No...but..." His eyes left hers then, and somehow landed on his feet. She was waiting for him to continue, he realised, when he raised his head and found her still studying him. He shrugged. "Sometimes life has an odd way of working things out for you..."
Sam frowned. "You mean fate?"
She obviously wasn't very happy with where he was going with this but he wasn't sure he could put it into words. "Yeah..." He raised a hand and gestured with it in the air. "And then there are other times when..."
"When it all goes to hell in a hand basket and you're left standing there thinking what the hell happened?" Her bluntness startled him a bit, and it wasn't until she brought her drink up to her lips that he wondered if this was just all the drink talking. "You know, strangely enough that's the same advice my sister in law gave me." Her eyes roamed his face and she gave him a wistful look as though she was remembering something that she didn't quite want to divulge. Somehow he was certain it wasn't just because of the drink anymore. "Seize the day and yet leave it up to fate to decide... how does that work exactly?"
A small smile graced Jack's lips. "I'm pretty sure neither of us would be out here right now, if we knew the answer to that question."
Sam almost snorted. Okay, maybe it was the drink. Hell, he really couldn't decide.
"Sorry," She murmured, "I didn't mean to go all melancholy on you... this is meant to be a celebration after all."
"Sam," He said, his voice soft and quiet. She turned to him immediately at the sound of her name. "You've just broken up with someone... I think you have the right to be upset..."
For some reason that seemed to make things worse, as her face twisted in response. "What if I don't?" She asked.
She was back to whispering again and Jack had to lean in to hear her. "Don't what?"
"Have the right to be upset?" She swallowed. "He wasn't what I wanted... I was the one who messed up."
"Does it matter? Really?" She looked away, a sign to Jack that she somewhat agreed with him. "The only thing that does matter," He continued, though part of him wondered if he shouldn't have just kept his mouth shut, "Is that you figure out what it is that you do want." Jack pursed his lips and Sam bit hers. "Do you know what you want?"
The pause was long, the silence almost deafening. "Yeah… what I can't have..."
-0-
Others had began spilling outside and he'd found himself staring at her, his mouth gaping like some sort of goldfish. Sam had taken another gulp of her drink and refused to look at him, and suddenly the air between them had become thick and confusing.
After a few moments of awkward silence, she'd been whisked away by one of the scientists that she occasionally did experiments with and he'd spent the rest of the evening trying to figure out just how he should have responded to her statement, only to keep coming up empty.
He found her later, alone in the kitchen.
Still not entirely sure what he was going to say, he moved round from behind her, to find her leaning against the counter, arms stretched out and taking deep breaths. "Carter...?"
"Hmmm?"
"Are you going to be sick?" He asked, placing a hand on each of her arms.
"No... At least I don't think so."
"You've knocked back quite a few, Carter..."
As if sensing his frown, even with her eyes closed, she said "The only drink that's ever made me sick is Southern Comfort and I make a point not to touch the stuff."
"What about PX-"
"I'll think you find that stuff gave me a different reaction..."
"How could I forget...?"
His last words were murmured softly in her ear, and if her head wasn't spinning all over the place she was sure she would be taking more from them than just comfort. The tenderness in his voice combined with the slight sneer would ordinarily provide an altogether different reaction. A smile graced her lips, and his hands pulled on her arms as he pulled her into himself.
"C'mon, let's get you into bed..."
"Are you sure you didn't slip some of that moonshine into my beer?"
Jack couldn't help but chuckle, despite the circumstances. "Don't tempt me..."
He lowered her onto the bed in the spare room before pulling off her shoes and covering her with a blanket.
"Sir?" Sam murmured as he placed a bucket on the floor by her head. "I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it, Carter..."
"No..." She tried to look at him but her eyes still hurt. "About earlier... I'm just..." She sighed and rubbed a hand across her forehead, her eyes still closed. She hadn't wanted to say anything, let alone put him on the spot, and now she couldn't even see his face. "Sorry..."
She felt a hand cup her cheek and couldn't help but smile. She wasn't sure if he kissed her forehead or if it was simply his breath tickling her skin as he wished her goodnight. But she was pretty sure she was still smiling when she fell asleep and his hand slipped away.
-0-
She awoke with a start to find herself sprawled out upon Jack's spare bed. A soft warm blanket covered her torso and she ran a hand through her hair, taking a moment to gather her bearings.
Jack was pottering about in the kitchen, a smile on his face when she entered. "Morning." He gestured at the frying pan before him with a spatula in his hand, "Pancakes?" Sam nodded mutely and slipped into a chair at the dining table. A hint of surprise mounted her face when Jack followed her, placing a steaming mug of coffee before her. Dark, with a splash of milk and a small spoonful of sugar, it was just how she liked it.
"How's the head?"
"Like I've had a replicator's hand stuck in it all night..."
Jack raised an eyebrow at her. Sam merely waved it off with a flit of her hand, watching as the man before her went back to the stove.
"Did anyone...?"
"Most people had left by the time you fell asleep," Jack responded, instinctively knowing what she was trying to ask.
Sam could only nod grimly, her hands curling around the mug as though drawing strength from its warmth. Moments later he piled pancakes and syrup on a plate before her and fed her little anecdotes about some of the things she'd missed from the night before, as they ate.
"You going to be okay?" He asked once they'd demolished most of their breakfast. He had tried to smile, but they both felt the weight behind his words. His eyes lingered a little too long on her face and she dropped her gaze, peering down at the empty plate before her. She pursed her lips and took a deep breath before raising her head to meet his eyes once more. She didn't know how to express what was on her mind, but somehow found herself not needing to. "I know I'm not the person you probably want to talk to about it-"
Her lips parted almost in protest but the sharp look in Jack's eyes held her back.
"But I get the feeling you've been carrying this around for a while, and from the amount you had to drink last night, I think you need to talk to someone..."
Sam regarded him for a moment, before looking away and then back again. "I'm not sure there is anyone who will understand." Her voice was soft and quiet and Sam felt like she was sharing a long guarded secret.
"Maybe, maybe not..." He said, just as softly. Then clearing his throat, he picked up their plates and headed over to the sink. "If you want I can give you a lift home?" He asked deftly changing the subject.
Sam shrugged. "I think I can manage..." She paused as though considering something before adding, "Thanks, though."
-0-
Sam's hand gripped the phone, her knuckles beginning to turn white as she grasped it too tight. "I told him, the other guy..." She blurted out, once she and Kelly had dispensed with the normal formalities one went through when calling a family member. "About Pete," Sam added, as though it suddenly became clear she could be talking about all manner of things.
"Only now?" Kelly asked, clearly surprised. "Sam, you broke up with him a few months ago."
"I know," Sam sighed. "But..." She shrugged subconsciously, despite knowing her sister in law couldn't see her. "Things have been busy, and besides..."
"Besides what?" By her tone, Kelly was clearly giving her the disgruntled parent treatment.
Sam sighed and stopped pacing. "I think he knew... before... but neither of us were willing to acknowledge it before now..."
"Sam..."
Kelly's drawn out sigh, prompted her to sit back down on the couch. "I know, I know... I'm just so useless at these things! And what difference does it make anyhow – he accepted a promotion!"
"So did you."
"Yes, but-"
"But what?"
"I didn't expect it to be like this..." There was a long pause. Long enough that Sam could imagine the look on Kelly's face and anticipate her next statement. "I didn't expect it to be so hard..." She added, her voice soft, almost a whisper. "Everything is ten times harder than it was before... and I'm not sure if he's even realised that."
"What do you mean?" Kelly asked, after moment of silence.
"Like he just thought things would carry on as normal. Only they aren't..." She took a deep breath. "Career notions aside, what if he accepted, partly because of me and Pete? Because I pushed him away and thought I was over him?"
"He let you..." Came the simple response.
"What if I gave him no other choice?"
"Did you?"
Sam pushed to her feet again and paced her living room.
"Sam, everyone has a multitude of choices at any given time. Whether they are right, wrong or indifferent... You of all people should know that... And who's to say he didn't understand what you were trying to achieve with Pete, considering how well you two know each other? But whether he considered that or not, it was still his decision. Don't put all this blame on yourself, please... "
Not for the first time in the past few months, the image of Dr Carter kissing Jack O'Neill flitted through Sam's brain. And the number of different realities that could have splintered off from her own, was infinite in its possibilities. But that still didn't stop Sam from questioning all her actions since then and wondering where they all could have led her. For the first time in her life, the alternate realities principle was beginning to give her a headache.
-0-
It took Daniel a few more days until he came knocking at her laboratory door. Metaphorically speaking, of course, because the man never knocked anywhere.
"Did the General send you?" Sam enquired when he'd asked what was bothering her. Her voice was strangely calm considering her inner turmoil over the situation.
Daniel merely frowned. "No... I just figured I'd give you a bit of time to come out with it on your own." He shrugged a little. "But I'm guessing Jack didn't?" He raised his eyebrow at her as he leaned over her desk, elbows supporting his body.
"No, I told him." Sam shook her head, and then followed it with a frown when her mind went over the event. Did she voluntarily give up the information? Or, as he mentioned later, did he sense something was wrong and tip her hand with his questioning?
She shook her head to dispel her thoughts as Daniel continued to study her. "I broke up with Pete," she confirmed, her shoulders sagging as she looked Daniel directly in the eye. She closed the lid on her laptop as he simply stared back at her, one eyebrow raised as if to ask why she'd never mentioned it before. "What with everything going on..." She waved her hand around listlessly.
Daniel shifted, shrugging his shoulders before pulling back slightly. "We still would have been there for you..."
"I know..." Sam replied softly. "I just needed to figure some things out first, you know?"
Daniel nodded as though he did, but Sam could tell from his stance that he was merely doing so to appease her. Daniel was a rarity in that he usually knew everyone's buttons and how to push them. Fortunately for Sam it was normally Jack's that he pushed ever so frequently, and hers that he left well alone.
"You miss Janet..." He said finally, his words appearing as both a statement and a question at the same time.
Sam hadn't afforded herself the self indulgence of thinking about her friend recently. It was bad enough every time Cassie did something that she didn't know how to react to, let alone her experiences with Fifth and the General and Pete as well. Janet, ever the pragmatic, would have given her the reasoning that she needed and it wasn't until Daniel had voiced it, that she suddenly realised it was something that she was currently missing.
"Yeah, I miss Janet." And the words had lifted from her with a sigh so slight, yet the weight of it resembled a ton.
-0-
She once had thought that she'd stopped loving him. But now that thought merely blended with the knowledge that maybe she was kidding herself and that even though someone is gone, a part of you never stops loving them. Even if they are actually alive and only gone mentally, physically, psychologically. She didn't love him to begin with, she knows that. Knows that she grew to love him at some point. Knows that it was a gradual thing and not something that suddenly happened. Despite the fact that the realisation of that love hit her hard and with full force that she almost forgot to breathe. She can still see the look on Janet's face. She'd lied to her then, she realised. Only, she'd been lying to herself too and so it wasn't really a conscious lie – more a way to keep going in the face of adversity.
Janet, Sam had come to understand, was a big part of why there was a gaping hole in her life. And she wasn't sure why it took her so long to realise it. Sure, she had grieved. But she also had Cassie to be strong for and although she felt like she spoke to her friend every day, asking her for guidance, she also felt like part of her missed something in the process.
Pete wasn't there for her when Janet died, Jack was. Although the former tried. But he hadn't been there. And Sam couldn't tell him of the guilt she carried for being relieved that Jack had been okay when she thought him dead too. Somehow that got all messed up and confused. Rather like now. For as upset as she feels right now, she knows she doesn't miss Pete.
She doesn't miss the way he'd call her any nickname under the sun and expect her to respond. Babe, sweetheart, 'how's my girl' like she was some sort of pet. She particularly hated hun, like hunny wasn't bad enough you had to shorten the nickname to something else equally degrading.
What she did miss was everything he stood for.
At one time she had thought that was how she viewed Jack. Because as long as he was there, providing some sort of safe haven she didn't have to think about anyone else. In some ways she still felt loved, even if it hadn't manifested itself into something tangible. She had convinced herself that Jack being unattainable was what had made the thought of a relationship with him more alluring. The fact that she had used the situation as a way of distancing herself from someone, to prevent herself getting hurt, was never a factor. Not until she'd hit her head and received various visits by illusions that masqueraded as her friends. But then she'd taken their – her – advice and things still hadn't worked out. And everything she'd thought she'd learnt back then, no longer applied anymore.
"I miss Janet," She told him one night. He came home to find her sitting in his lawn chair on the roof. The telescope was not how he left it, but damn near close; as though she'd peered up into the sky, adjusted it slightly as she studied the stars, then attempted to put it back as she found it. Jack wasn't sure why he found that endearing but he did.
He found another chair and sat himself down in a seat next to her, handing her a drink as he got comfortable. She accepted it silently, unscrewing the cap and taking a drink pretty much down to the second that he did.
"I do too," Jack admitted after a moment of silence, and they shared a long look. Jack was unsure of what he saw in her face, unsure of what she could see in his, but something shifted and they were suddenly back to looking up to the stars again.
"That star," She added after another moment of silence, "The one at the other end of your telescope..." She canted her head at the object, asking and yet not asking at the same time.
There's a comfort in the fact that she knows it's important. Somehow. Jack studied his beer bottle before his eyes rose to meet hers. Somehow he resisted the urge to shrug. "I found it shortly after Charlie..." He didn't need to say the word, for her to know. "I'd never noticed it before... but now..."
"It offers you comfort?" Sam asked, her voice but a whisper. Jack merely nodded, watching as she turned away, her lips still tight. "Sometimes I feel like I've been grieving for too many people for far too long..."
Her eyes locked with his and there was such an earnest look in her eyes that Jack wasn't sure he could have looked away even if he wanted to. He didn't know what to say, and maybe he didn't need to. Maybe it's enough that she's even there, talking to him, sharing whatever this is, with him.
"But I don't really feel that they offer me much comfort anymore," She added, her arm pointing to the stars in the sky. "Maybe I'm grieving for that too..."
-0-
"I'm attending a conference in Colorado next month," Mark told her when he called some time later. "Work's putting me up in a hotel in Denver for a few days, but I thought afterwards I could come down and stay a while, maybe we could go out to dinner, catch up, that sort of thing?"
"That sounds good," Sam replied, wondering how long it was going to take until he came out with it. She knew he and Kelly would have spoken since she last called. "I'll see if I can get a message to Dad – see if he can get back to join us or not."
"Great..." There was pause before he exhaled and went for broke. "Everything else okay?"
Sam resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Then gave in, realising he couldn't see her anyway. "Yeah..." She shrugged. "Well things have been busy, you know..."
"Good busy or...?"
Sam scrunched up her face. "More like 'take your mind off things' busy..."
"Okay," Mark said after a moment. "You promise you'll call if they're not?"
"Sure..."
"Sam..."
She sighed. "You know I spoke to Kelly..."
"And?"
"And so you know that I'll call," she reiterated.
-0-
Sam started appearing on his rooftop more and more often and Jack couldn't help but wonder what exactly that meant. He had a few ideas, but talking never really was his strong point. Neither was it Carter's. Part of him wondered if that had always been part of the attraction. Let alone part of the problem. The notion that they couldn't talk about it even if they wanted to, had been wearing a little thin for a long time now.
"He tortured me," Sam admitted, roughly two weeks after the first time he'd found her. Jack's eyebrows shot up into his hairline. "Fifth..."
His mouth suddenly became dry, but washing it down with the beer in his hand was no longer an option.
"He... picked at the memories in my head," Sam continued, "Only... he got it all wrong." Her eyes found his in the darkness. "He got it all jumbled up and now I feel like... I feel like..."
"Like what?" He whispered.
"Like I'm not sure how to put it all back together again..." She shook her head, clearly frustrated with herself. "But maybe it didn't all fit together properly to begin with and it's only now that I've began to even realise that..."
"Sam..."
"You told me it would get better." Her eyes snapped back to his and Jack could see anger in their midst. "But it's not," She quietened her voice. "Sometimes it feels like its getting worse… and don't you even think about mentioning any clichés…"
Jack pretended to look thoughtful for a moment. "Like 'it gets better before it gets worse'?"
"Yeah…"
Jack thought he saw a ghost of a smile on her face. "There are plenty of soldiers who go through what you are now."
She could tell that he was trying to reassure her. "I know that you are one step away from calling Mackenzie," She replied instead.
"Was," Jack corrected, his voice steady. He shrugged when she looked at him in that way again. "I figured you needed time to sort things out for yourself before I intervened."
Sam glanced down at the hands in her lap. "Oh."
"And if you hadn't come and spoken to me, I would have had to get him involved." He watched as the tension left her shoulders. "Though to be honest, I would have thought that you might have spoken to Daniel about all of this by now..."
She looked back up at him, the hard line to her face suddenly gone. "Neither of them would have been able to help anyway," she said.
"Mackenzie has dealt with a lot of soldiers injured in the line of duty..."
"But I couldn't talk to him about..." and the words disappeared.
She thought maybe Jack heard them anyway when he spoke. "No," He agreed.
"It's the same with Daniel," She added, almost momentarily.
"I didn't send him to speak to you."
"I know." They share a look then, and Sam finds herself somewhat relieved that they can still look each other in the eye.
"He didn't help?"
Sam shook her head ruefully. "No," She sighed, pursing her lips and gathering her thoughts before they leave her mouth. "As brilliant as he is with people, he's not military. He doesn't face the same restraints we do – the same obstacles, the same responsibilities. He doesn't understand this... this thing between us anymore than we do. It's why we don't talk about it – never have. It's why he gets awkward whenever the stupid proverbial elephant enters the god damn room..."
"I always thought..."
Her face appeared so open in the moonlight. "What?" She whispered.
"That you had someone to talk to..." Jack finished.
Her gaze dropped then, and Jack followed her eye line back out to the stars, those that they could see through the clouds anyway.
"I don't think you should give up," He added, after what felt like an eternity of silence. He gestured up at the sky when she glanced at him with a question in her eyes. "It may be a little cloudy right now, but they're still out there and... you know where to look..."
A small smile threatened to appear upon her lips and her eyes danced with a little mirth as she still kept his gaze. Jack couldn't help but smile back. He was rubbish at these things but he figured he must have said something right.
"You're stronger than you think, sometimes," He added, losing the need for metaphors. "And who's to say that when you build up all those pieces again that things won't be ten times better than they once were?" Okay, maybe not losing the metaphors.
"Do you really believe that?"
"I have to..."
-0-
Sam knew there was something wrong the minute she set foot on that planet. Although she couldn't say why exactly - something just felt wrong. It was meant to be a simple recon and so far all that the MALP and UAV telemetry had shown them were ruins of a long since fallen civilisation. Daniel had rushed down the steps from the Stargate to inspect a pile of rocks which appeared to be an old monument. Teal'c was scanning the perimeter as per usual.
She'd taken but three steps forwards when she felt it. A blast to the chest that sent her flying backwards with full force. Her body hit the ground with a loud thump, her head bouncing on the ground as her limbs slumped beside her. Everything ached.
She thought she heard shouting. Daniel? Teal'c? But all sound disappeared and she couldn't see anything but a white haze that seemed to dance in the sky like clouds in the wind. A deep pain radiated out from her chest, the rest of her going numb, her eyes blinking, desperately fighting to stay awake.
She could hear the chevrons of the gate locking behind her, blasts hitting the ground and sending dust spiralling into the air. Teal'c's shadow loomed above her, his voice deep, the vibrations resonating through her, only she couldn't quite hear the words. She watched his lips move, the world around her silent and noisy all at the same time. Seconds later Daniel joined him and Sam felt herself being hauled off the ground and dragged through the Stargate head first.
As soon as her body landed on the metal ramp, everything came back into a sharp focus. It was as though a switch had been flicked, dispersing the fog surrounding her. She could hear shouting, Daniel calling for the medics, the klaxon still wailing in the background. And the pain, an immense pain still in her chest.
"Colonel Carter..." Teal'c knelt beside her on the ramp and Sam turned her head slightly at the sound of his voice.
It was then that she realised she was crying, tears streaming down her face. Her vest had been unclipped and she stared at the hole it in, her mind spinning as she saw no blood. "It hurts..." She whispered, her hand reaching out to touch her chest. The hot sensation of the polymer insert met her fingertips and she gasped, pulling her hand back to see nothing but her bare fingers.
The sounds of feet hitting the ramp reached her ears and she looked up as another shadow fell across her head. "Teal'c? What happened?" Jack barked, as he scrambled up the ramp and knelt down beside her next to the Jaffa.
"She was hit by a staff blast!" Daniel cried, gasping for breath as he sat by her feet.
"She doesn't appear to be injured," Teal'c added, his voice bringing some calm to the situation. "Dr. Lee's ceramic polymer insert appears to have been very effective in saving Colonel Carter's life."
"Carter?" Jack reached out to touch her shoulder.
"It hurts," she said again, unable to stop a wave of tears escaping. Her chest hurt, she could feel it. A sob threatened to escape and she raised her arm up to shield her eyes. She was uninjured and yet she hurt, she could feel the pain. And now she was lying on the ramp desperately trying not to cry.
"I think she hit her head," Daniel uttered, his voice low.
"Carter?" Jack whispered, pulling at her arm as he tried to see her face.
"I'm sorry," She blurted out, her eyes meeting his.
"It's okay," he replied, concern in his eyes.
"But there's no blood!" She cried, feeling the tears roll down, wetting her ears and her hair.
"I think she might be in shock, Jack..."
"Ya think?" He cried at Daniel, throwing him a look before bending down, his face inches from hers. The archaeologist sat back on his heels, looking chastised. "It's okay," Jack repeated, turning back to Sam.
"It hurts so much..."
"I know," he squeezed her shoulder. "But you're going to be okay..."
"You said that before…" She uttered, her words small and quiet.
Jack cringed. "I know… and I meant it. It still stands, Carter…"
She gazed up at him, trying to see through the tears in her eyes, but the lights reflected off the droplets, and suddenly, all she could see were stars.
-0-
Sam awoke to the sound of beeping and the distinct smell of the infirmary. She could feel the rough bobbles on the sheets from over washing; the coolness of the white scrubs they'd put her in. She blinked a few times, trying to let her eyes adjust to the change in light. The lights were dim and she assumed that it must be late, especially since there was a figure lying still in the chair next to her bed. She shifted slightly, turning her head to see who it was.
The movement alerted her visitor and Jack perked up, standing up to lean over her. "Hey…"
"Hey," She replied. "What time is it?"
Jack shrugged. "Late... Daniel and Teal'c were here earlier, but I shooed them away..." He smiled down at her, "You know, to bed..."
"Daniel won't sleep, you know that right?"
Jack shrugged again, his hands deep in his pockets and elbows swinging by his side. "I didn't think you'd want everyone fussing around you when you woke up..."
His eyes were dark, and Sam couldn't work out if that was just from that lack of lighting or something else. She had the feeling she'd put him through a lot more than he was expressing right now.
"Did I bust some ribs?" She asked, wincing slightly as she took a deep breath.
"Three," He replied. "But bruised – not broken. And a mild concussion..."
"So no chance of letting me out of here tomorrow then?"
Jack paused, his eyes giving her a quick once over before pursing his lips in response "I-"
"I know what you're going to say, but I feel better..." She looked into his eyes. "I do... Nothing like a brush with death to give you a bit of clarity..."
Jack simply looked at her, eyes silently assessing.
"Plus," She added, "I don't think the wonder drugs did any harm so..." She added a smile for extra effort.
"You sure?" He asked softly.
"I'm sure," Sam nodded, suddenly serious again. She glanced down at her hands; her fingers subconsciously playing with a bit of lose thread from the sheet. "Mark was meant to be coming to stay tomorrow..."
Jack shifted so that he was half leaning on the bed, half sitting. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," Sam smiled at him. "I was kinda looking forward to it..." She shrugged. "He's never really visited me out here before..."
"I could... maybe... pick him up for you?" His eyebrows rose up at her. "Let him visit..."
"Really?"
Jack tilted his head slightly. "It's a perk of being the boss, you know..."
She bit her lip, studying his face for a few moments before, "What's the catch?"
Jack winced. "That transparent?"
"Uh-huh."
He took a deep breath. "I want you to speak to Mackenzie..."
Sam's expression didn't waver. "Okay..." she agreed, her words escaping on a sigh.
"Okay?" Jack's eyebrow rose into his hairline, his head tilted even further.
Sam couldn't help but smile. "Okay," She said again.
"Then okay..."
-0-
Jack shifted on his feet, feeling slightly uncomfortable. Carter had shown him a picture of her brother so he knew who to look out for. But standing in a hotel lobby in Denver suddenly didn't feel like the wisest decision he'd made lately and who was he kidding when he first thought otherwise?
"Mark Carter?" He asked the man who suddenly appeared just a few feet away. "Jack O'Neill – we spoke on the phone."
It took a moment before Mark smiled and shook the hand held out to him. "Sorry," He said, "I was half expecting so see someone in uniform."
Jack glanced down at his blue jeans and leather jacket. "Yes, well, I try to wear it as little as possible... makes people a little antsy, you know? Mainly me actually..." He smiled, tilted his head. "You ready to head out?"
Mark studied him for a moment, before Jack noticed the smile he was trying to hold back. It was scarily like Carter. "Sure," The man replied, hiking his bag up onto his shoulder before heading outside.
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to get you to fill in some forms when we arrive," Jack announced, once they were on the road. "A lot of the work we do is classified, so there will be a few disclaimers I'll need you to sign."
"Don't mention anything I see or hear down there?"
Jack nodded. "That about sums it up."
"No problem," Mark responded. "Is she okay?" He asked a few moments later, the words seeming casual yet heavy at the same time.
"Like I said, a few bruised ribs, a knock to the head..."
"Yeah," Mark nodded, "You said..."
Jack glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. They still had a way to go before they made it to the mountain and he could feel something brewing already. "You're worried about something else?"
Mark chewed the words over in his head before he shifted slightly to look at the man behind the wheel. "You and Sam have known each other for quite a while, haven't you?"
Jack tried to shrug, his hands staying put on the steering wheel. "We worked together on the same team for seven years..."
"So you're pretty close?"
"Along with Daniel and Teal'c, the other guys on the team, yeah..."
"So you'd notice if something was bothering her, right?"
Jack shifted awkwardly in his seat. Was it some sort of family trait to ask him awkward questions when he couldn't escape? He was pretty sure it came from Jacob. "You mean the whole thing with Pete?" He asked, suddenly unable to ignore the silence any longer. The look Mark sent him didn't go unnoticed. "Carter – Sam, mentioned that you were the one who introduced them." His hand flew around the truck then, unable to restrain itself. Jack couldn't work out why he suddenly felt nervous.
"Did you meet him?" Mark asked.
Jack shrugged, "Once or twice..." Then, "She did seem quite upset about it... the break up, if that's what you meant..."
Mark sat there silently for a moment. "Did she talk to you about it?"
"Probably a little more than she was intending too..." Jack admitted. "There was drink involved," He added upon seeing the look on her brother's face.
"Ah," Mark nodded.
"But she's doing okay...well," Jack hesitated, "Much better than she was... before... so..." Silence enveloped the truck for a beat or two. "And you coming up to stay here for a few days is a good thing too..."
"Yeah?" Mark asked, suddenly surprised.
Jack couldn't help but smile. "Yeah... but don't tell her I told you that she was excited-"
"Excited?"
Jack grimaced. "You've seen how well she can shoot, right?"
Mark merely chuckled. "I'm not sure that I have..."
Jack groaned out loud before shooting a glare Mark's way just as they passed the sign to Denver's Magness Arena. "So... do you like hockey?"
-0-
"So..." He had heard Mark say as he had slipped out of the infirmary door. "How do you analyse all these stars when you're so far underground?"
Seeing the look on Sam's face when her brother appeared was totally worth the bizarre truck ride. Not that Jack would admit that to anyone right now. Nope. Not an inch.
He and Mark had managed to strike up some type of rapport based on the innocuous things that most people talk about when they first meet someone. Even if it was a little stretched at times. Though Jack figured that part of it was due to the way circumstances had forced them to meet. Banter over a beer and food would have been much more preferable than taking a man to see his injured sister who was currently lying in the infirmary of a top secret facility. Especially when said sister was someone he cared about a lot more than he was supposed to. Crap. That statement from years past still haunted him. He'd managed to hide his feelings away inside his mind for the most part. But lately everything Carter did seemed to try to blow holes into the wall he'd built to conceal it.
It probably also didn't help that most of the things Jack knew about Mark had come from snippets of conversations with Jacob and Carter. He was sure Mark was conscious of that fact. Not to mention the vibe that he was getting from Mark that suggested they'd equally mentioned things about him too. Jack suddenly wondered which one. The fact that he wondered at all screamed alarm bells. And to be totally honest, he couldn't work out which one would be scarier.
So the fact that he was now standing in his own kitchen, the barbecue creating smoke outside while her brother poked at it, was somewhat bizarre. Thankfully both Daniel and Teal'c had jumped at the chance to meet her brother, otherwise Jack had a feeling he'd be drinking way more than was appropriate.
"You going to get those, or are you trying to cool yourself down?"
Jack looked up from the open fridge door to see Mark standing beside him and shook his head. "Forgot what I came in here for..." Mark tilted his head slightly, a frown threatening to form as he gestured at the beer in Jack's hand. "Possibly," Jack agreed, pulling out another bottle and passing it over.
"Sam said you guys used to do this quite a bit..."
"Used to...?"
Mark shrugged. "I kind of figured things had changed quite a bit since Cassie came to live with Sam."
The beer bottle paused on its way to Jack's mouth, his brain struggling to contemplate the concept and provide his stomach with alcohol at the same time. "Yeah," he finally nodded, "I suppose things have..."
Mark continued to study the man standing next to him. "But you didn't really notice, did you?"
Jack frowned, "I wouldn't say that exactly..."
"Pete?"
The question came out of the blue but Jack wondered if he'd been building up to it since they last spoke. One look at Mark's face convinced Jack that he couldn't pretend otherwise either. Strange that he'd managed to convince himself and those around him for years and yet one stranger could see right through it.
"Although it took Sam a while to realise it too, so..."
Jack shook his head from side to side, placing his bottle down on the counter. "Look, I'm not the smartest tool in the box, so why don't you just come out with it?" His hand gestured between them. "What are you trying to say, here?"
Mark paused, his lips opening and closing. Setting down his own bottle on the counter, he turned to face Jack. "I don't know... She's my sister..." He waved his own hand in the air, indicating to the woman outside somewhere. "She turns up on my doorstep, full of anger and pain and remorse and guilt and... God knows what else since she can't tell me anything about it!" He stopped, paced the kitchen a few times before taking a deep breath. "Her friend dies, she adopts a teenager, gets injured while out there saving someone's life and you... you knew all along that something was wrong and you never did anything about it..."
The two men stood staring at each other and yet desperately wanted to avoid each other at the same time.
"She had Pete..." Jack uttered softly.
"But she didn't want Pete..." Mark retorted back.
"How was I to know that?" Jack asked. There was a beat of silence as their eyes met again, before Jack sighed and turned away. His eyes fell on the bottle on the counter and he walked over to pick it up, leaning back onto the counter again, his fingers automatically picking at the label.
Mark came to lean next to him, picking up his own bottle and studying it. "As much as she tries to convince people otherwise, Sam's still human, you know..."
Jack sighed. "Sam Carter loves to solve equations, prod at things, take them apart and put them back together..." He shrugged, "I couldn't take away the one thing that makes her Carter..." He paused. "Sometimes people need to figure things out for themselves..."
"Yeah but we all need someone else to lean on from time to time..."
The fridge hummed in the background. "Maybe that someone isn't meant to be me..."
"Are you saying that you weren't the one she chose to talk to about it?" Mark inquired, his voice quieter now.
"She spoke to you..." Jack offered up.
Mark cocked his head to one side, a slight smile curling upon his lips. "Something tells me that if we put both of those conversations together, we'd both have a clearer picture of what the hell was going on in her head..."
Jack took a swig of beer, swirled the liquid around in the bottom of his bottle before taking another gulp. "She did tell you that I am her boss, right?"
"Yeah... But Sam loves puzzles..." Mark smiled. "Plus, Dad told me that you're a bit of a maverick..."
Jack groaned, "I seriously don't want to know what Dad told you about me..."
Mark simply laughed. "He lets you call him 'Dad'?"
Jack winced. "Didn't I just say 'seriously'?"
-0-
It was dark when Jack found himself alone with Carter. A slight heat still emanated from the coals on the barbecue but outside it was cool, no clouds in the sky to mask the stars.
"I'm sorry," He said, handing her a blanket to snuggle under.
She was sitting in a lawn chair, feet propped up on the table next to her. "For what?"
Jack settled himself into the chair opposite. "Distancing myself from you probably wasn't the best idea..."
Sam's lips parted, the surprise evident on her face. "You did what you thought was right," She stated once she'd recovered.
"Yeah for me..." He paused. "Though I may have convinced myself it was right for you too..."
Light spilled out from inside the house casting shadows over parts of Jack's face, but Sam could still see his earnest expression. For once his emotions weren't guarded. "I understand why you needed to do that... don't blame yourself..."
"Pot say hello to kettle..."
Sam smiled despite herself. "I thought it would go away..." She whispered.
They both paused.
"It didn't?" Jack asked.
Sam shook her head. "No..."
"I don't have anything to offer you..." He looked up at her then, into her eyes. "Not until..."
"I know..."
"And yet here we are..."
The sad smile reappeared on Sam's lips again. "What happens now?"
Jack shrugged. "Well, I think we know now that trying to forget about it doesn't work..."
Sam shook her head. "I tried moving on," She blurted out, "I don't think I can go through that again."
"Come fishing with me..."
If Sam was surprised before, she was even more shocked now. "What?" She croaked.
The words had slipped out before he could stop them but Jack found himself hard pushed to even care. "When it's over," He shrugged, "Come fishing with me..."
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Sam asked. "I mean... we have no way of knowing when that will be..."
"I know..."
Sam studied the lines on his face. The scar above his eyebrow, the creases by his eyes and mouth as the smile twitched upon his lips.
"What did you have in mind?"
Sam shrugged. "If I knew the answer to that question I'm pretty sure neither of us would be sitting out here right now..."
They shared a small smile at the familiar statement and Jack raised the bottle in his hands to his lips to prevent his from turning into a grin. "We can always take it inside..."
"I'd like that..."
Jack spat his mouthful of beer onto the floor, while Sam shook with laughter in her seat.
"I meant the fishing," She clarified between giggles. "Although..." She frowned.
"Although what?" Jack's voice did not go up a few octaves. It didn't.
"Fishing is a terrible euphemism...sir..."
Jack grimaced, shutting his eyes and shaking his head over dramatically. The fact that she hadn't called him 'sir' once outside of work since she'd begun appearing on his rooftop, had not escaped his notice.
He was so screwed.
"Who said anything about euphemisms?" He cried, as more laughter hit his ears.
"Same as clichés?" Sam inquired.
"Same as clichés," Jack agreed.
He tilted his bottle towards hers, both smiling as Sam responded in kind.
The bottles clinked.
They both knew Jack secretly loved clichés.