A/N: I cried for fifteen minutes when JT died. I ended up calling my sister and we both angsted about it for awhile. This story is a form of therapy for me, as well as me just trying to get into Sean's head. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: Don't own Degrassi. If I did, I wouldn't have written this story, because JT wouldn't be dead.
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He's gone.
Two small words that have such a huge meaning behind them. Two small words that shatter what little hope they had.
Sean looks up at the ceiling, tears rushing to his eyes. He doesn't want to believe it. He wants to think that this is all a nightmare, and that he'll wake up with Emma in his arms, the party never having happened. He wants to think that when he goes to school on Monday, JT will be there, walking with Mia or cracking a joke or something. He wants to, but he can't.
"God…"
He can't decide which is worse; Manny's loud sobs or Toby's stunned face with tears pouring steadily out of his eyes. His shoulder is wet; Emma's face is buried there. He can't breathe right or think straight because JT is dead and he won't be there on Monday, or Tuesday, or ever again.
He's gone.
It's weird, he decides. Because he and JT hadn't talked much lately and he hadn't really thought of him as a close friend. He was wrong. So. Wrong. JT had been there since the beginning, ever since he came to Degrassi. JT had always been his friend because there was no point in not being JT's friend. He was too funny and outgoing. Was.
Another sob. This time it's Sean's. It hurts so much. More than when Rick died, more than when he found out about Jay and Emma. He wishes he could shut himself down and not think.
A memory comes to his mind, so incredibly random that it somehow makes sense. It's of that night a few years ago, the night of that party at Ashley's. JT and Toby had invited him over and JT had somehow gotten some E. Sean had gotten rid of it and given them aspirin instead…and they'd both thought they were high, so they'd acted like it. It had been hilarious. JT was always hilarious.
Never again, though. There would be no more stupid antics or funny moments that JT used to be the center of. Because…because…
He's gone.
He watches Liberty. He watches Toby hug her, followed by Emma and Manny. And then Sean joins in. It hurts even more to know that as bad as he's feeling, it probably doesn't even come close to what Liberty's feeling.
He tries to imagine how he'd feel if he lost Emma. He can't even picture the pain.
They're a small, half-crying, half-screaming group of teenagers, huddled together as they try to deal with the pain. Sean can't stop crying. He wants to, he wants to try and be strong for Emma's sake, but the tears just won't stop coming.
Sean loved JT. They all did. Except the others had probably been aware of it before now. Sean only just realizes it. It makes him cry even harder.
He wishes that he'd been able to tell JT. He wishes he'd been able to talk to him more. He wishes that he'd hung out with him more. But most of all, he wishes that JT was alive. He'd give anything, anything, for that wish to be granted.
But he's gone, and he's never coming back.
Sean doesn't think he'll ever get used to that.
He doesn't think anyone will.