HUMAN OR NOT
I don't own Numb3rs, never have, never will but I made up the poem.
This is a one-shot set after the episode Rampage.
Yes, I know it has been done before, but this is an
Idea that won't leave me alone.
Colby was walking through the FBI building, thinking about the shooting last week. Over all, the building had been cleaned up nicely, but there was still something bothering Colby that wouldn't leave him alone, the same thing that kept him up at night and made him question himself. The team had noticed it as well since Colby seemed to isolate himself lately. He didn't talk to people as much and he would follow orders without question. Today was no different. Today Colby had been cleared by the shooting team, but that didn't stop him from wanting to remain on desk duty. Don Eppes found the request on his desk and decided to confront the young man."Care to explain why you feel like you should keep riding a desk?" Don asked when they were alone. "I don't believe I'm fit for field work," he said. He was unable to look his boss in the eye. "What? Why? It was a good clean shot. Everyone knows that," Don said. Still not knowing what the problem was. "I have been hearing that ever since the shooting and you all seem to forget that I killed an unarmed man,"Colby said looking straight at his boss and Don could see the pain in the young man's eyes. "Colby, that wasn't your fault. It was an accident. You can't keep blaming yourself for something you had no control over," Don said trying to take a brotherly tone. "I know, but I don't feel human any more because before I became an FBI agent I was in the army and had to kill people and now I am responsible for killing an unarmed man. So how am I different from the scum bags that we lock up?" he asked. "Colby, you don't kill people for kicks. You do it to protect people and feeling bad about it proves that you're still human. Look, I will give you time, but don't feel like you're alone because you have the team to talk to," he said before walking away. Not long after his talk with Don, Colby found himself putting flowers on Ryan McCall's grave and asking for forgiveness that would never come... thinking about a poem had once read
If the eyes are the window to the soul
Then my eyes must be closed
My soul is wet by the tears
From the families of my sins
People will never know me
Because I don't know myself anymore
I'm only the man
Who has a debt to pay
And can't pay