A/N: While this is my headcanon Douchebag (the crossdressing, mentally unstable pyromaniac) I leave out details concerning his appearance so that you can fill in your own version of him if you'd like. I also didn't specify age, so you can imagine them either actually being ten or being teenagers still playing the game—it's whatever you prefer. I'm not used to writing first person POV with fanfiction so I apologize in advance if this is terrible. I'm also happy to announce that I'm going to attempt to create a fic for the SPBB this year! So, yeah, wish me luck on that.

X~x~

He had been the only light in the dark abyss of a game I'd been so unwillingly dragged into my first day in the isolated town of my new home—Kyle, the elf king. I had pledged my allegiance to him the day I'd been sent on the ever pivotal mission to recruit the goth kids. I liked how he looked, sitting upon his throne, frowning in a serious manner as he dished out orders and sparing smiles only for his loyal Stanley when the two of them thought no one else was looking. Kyle was so business-like at all times and so morally dedicated to his subjects; Stan was the physically capable human that guarded him with his very life and with the utmost, unfaltering allegiance.

They were obviously fucking. They had to be. Yes, too obvious.

And I wanted in on it; as much as I enjoyed fisting my dick to the thought of Kyle laying under me and begging me like a wanton whore, Stan was never absent from these fantasies. Usually he'd be kissing his majesty, fingers tightened around those soft red curls, asking him just how amazing it felt for my cock to be ravaging him. Stan was much more built than his fragile master, and his lean body would break out into a glistening sweat when he'd reach the point of climax and came on the torso of his lord.

I'd decided that I would have to make this wet dream a reality the day we planned to beat the ever loving fuck out of that Clyde kid and his ninja catamite. The game was going to get intense later, so I had to make my move before this final battle took place. Besides, it could all be an aspect of our little make believe world, if they preferred.
Plenty of video games offer the option of romancing a character, having sex with them, and then unlocking the most powerful combo attacks possible with that specific ally.

Being a magician, it would be only be fitting to choose them to combine abilities with. Kyle was a Jew, able to provide stats boosts that I couldn't, and Stan was the definition of a hard hitting tank. The three of us could get that stupid stick back easily, and rule the universe however we saw fit.

I awoke about two hours earlier than usual to pay Kyle a visit and maximize our social link . I hadn't bothered to change into my battle uniform, since it wasn't like magic classes wore anything other than cloth, anyway. My pajamas would do just fine, as my own laziness overcame the cool Colorado wind.

When I'd arrived at his house and scaled to his window via the gutter pipe (I was nimble enough to have been a thief, if I really had wanted to, but unleashing Dragon Fire and throwing Pyro Balls gave me a thrill unlocking doors couldn't), the dearest royal was tucked away soundly in his bed, a thin trail of drool spotting the side of his pillow. His room was tidy as always, shelves dusted and carpet vacuumed. Rumor had it that his mother was a high Jew bitch and that she'd ground the poor king if he didn't keep his living quarters up to standards.

I pressed my forehead to the window and gave it a light tap. "Your Majesty!"

He stirred to the other side of the mattress.

"Elf King!" I continued my knocking.

This time he turned his head to me with groggy eyes, then gave me an irritated frown.
Whoops. I was interrupting his beauty sleep.

He begrudgingly unlatched the window. "New kid! What the hell? If my parents find out you snuck up here or climbed on our roof, I'm fucking dead!" he growled, not sounding too eloquent.

"Shhh, shh, shh." I placed my index finger on his lips as I slid into his private chamber, effectively silencing him. "Your Highness, a thought occurred to me as I was trying to rest for our grand battle tomorrow. We are going to need to combine our strengths in order to overcome the dark lord, and we must be united not only in in combat, but in spirit. And to be one in spirit…" I cupped the side of his pale, fair, porcelain face and gazed into his grassy green orbs. "We must become one in body."

The king only stared at me with a dumbfounded expression for what seemed like minutes. He blinked a few times, obviously trying to process what I was getting at.

"Dude, if you mean what I think you mean, that's gay. You came to my room at this ungodly hour in the morning to try to do gay shit with me?" He blinked again and swatted my hand away. "God dammit."

I brushed off any discouragement from my voice. "No more of the homosexual persuasion than what you do with Stan, and look at your teamwork! Do you think that the dark lord and his minion are not intimate and strengthening their bond?"

"Stan is—Stan is different. He's my super best friend. We've known each other forever."

"You're not denying it."

"No! Dammit. That isn't what I meant!"

"Oh, Your Majesty," I sighed, sounding as heartbroken as I could and placing both hands over my heart for emphasis. "My loyalty to you is unwavering. I've found myself unable to stop thinking about you from the moment I found myself lost your emerald green eyes. I wish to court you for the sake of your kingdom-Stanley included, as I'd never wish to separate the two of you."
He puffed his cheeks and looked away at the mention of Stan—I realized then that he might bite the bait if I started reeling him in with his companion.

"The three of us as one, our limbs entangled in the writhes of passion…" I moved closer and hooked an arm around his frail waist, daring to move my mouth to the side of his neck. "Two of your most loyal subjects, so desperate to send you into eternal bliss, to push you to the edge of climax again, and again, and again…until your seed has run dry."
Kyle let out a hesitant sigh and kept his eyes glued to the opposite direction. It was working. It had to be, because his jugular vein was pulsing against my lips. He was so alive, imagining the pleasure my proposal would bring him, emulating it and most importantly, considering it.
"What say you, my king?" My hand cupped his hard on—I knew he'd have one—and I gave his jaw a kiss.

He cleared his throat, then crossed his arms affirmatively. "Very well, then, Douchebag, I shall accept your offer of courtship. However, I expect nothing less than the best from you, as my most powerful mage, and for you to treat my sir Stanley with just as much affection." His kingly mannerisms had returned. "Do I make myself clear?"

There it was.
I was in.
Fuck. Yes.

"Of course, My Lord." I moved myself away to kiss both of his cheeks accordingly. "Now, allow me to lay you to back to rest until the sun rises."

"Very well." He climbed back into his bed, laying as he had been prior to my visiting, halfway propping himself up on his elbows.

There wasn't a need for me to compose anymore sappy, medieval prose know that I knew I'd get to fuck him into oblivion—maybe not tonight, but my body was already riling in anticipation for that night. It'd be after we retrieved the Stick. In celebration of our victory, oh yes, it would be the most amazing sex any of us had ever experienced.
I crawled between his legs and prodded at his stiffened cock with the same finger that had been used to silence those delicate lips. His hips jolted, and he looked down at me with eager eyes.
Pulling down the waistband of his Terrance and Phillip pajamas, I immediately took his circumcised dick into my mouth. It felt…different. Not that I'd sucked a lot of cock during my time, but it'd completely slipped my mind that he was actually Jewish.
He tensed under me and mumbled a, "shit, dude" under his breath.

I rolled the underside of my tongue along the soft, exposed head as he gasped and moved his hips forward ever so slightly. Sucking him in, I was able to take his shaft partially into my throat without my gagging reflex kicking in, and my mouth was now watering and wetting his length. I resonated a low moan and flicked my tongue along the veins I could feel out along his shaft.

Unfortunately, it seemed that I was going much too fast for him because he arched forward and came into my mouth in less than five minutes. His body shuddered and he clutched at my hair with both hands, holding me in place to squirt himself along my tongue before he withdrew himself from my mouth and hastily pulled his pants back up.
His shoulders shook. "S-Sorry, I'd get in trouble if my mom found white stuff on my sheets," he whispered apologetically.

I swallowed my king's salty sperm and grinned. "Tis not a problem. Are you satisfied, My Lord?"

"Yes. Yes, I am. Thank you, Sir Douchebag." Kyle couldn't keep up his royal demeanor through a yawn and half lidded eyes. "Now, see yourself to rest for the remaining hours until our final battle." He pointed at the window. "I expect great things from you tomorrow."

"And great things you shall receive. Good night, Elf King."

I took my leave with the knowledge that tomorrow, not only would I get to cast hundreds of dollars' worth of fire spells and beat the shit out of Clyde (fuck him for breaking the rules), I'd get the most explosive, mind blowing sex of my life with both Kyle and Stan. At the same time.

I was really starting to like living in South Park.