I don't know why I spoke up in class because I make it like my policy, or something, to not do that. I just sit at the back and disappear. I think everyone was surprised to hear me speak because they all looked at me and I wished that I hadn't spoken at all but when Katimski was reading that poem it made me think…about her. I don't know much about poetry but it didn't sound like a love poem until you really listened and then you realised that it was a love poem because it was saying that love wasn't perfect but it was real. Like she's real. Just because I said that the poet, or whoever, was in love doesn't mean that I'm in love. I mean we barely know each other. We barely talk. We just…kiss. Or at least we did.
I don't know why I acted the way that I did. I mean, it's not like I care what the other guys think and, yeah, they think she's weird but everyone's weird when you think about it. Hell, Graff's weird but no one says anything about her. Then again, Graff is tight with Tino and that means she's like cool by association or something. I nearly told Tino about Angela, about the basement. We were waiting for the other guys to show up for band practice and he mentioned something about Graff. Then he asked me if I knew Angela because he had noticed they'd been hanging out together for a while but he'd never talked to her or anything. I wanted to tell him that I was the reason Angela Chase was failing geometry and that she was the reason I was still in school but it was like I just couldn't find the right words. Instead, I just told him that I didn't really know her all that well. He gave me a look, like he expected something more, and I wondered if he knew what was going on because Tino always knows what's going on but then the other Embryos arrived and he didn't say anything else.
All of this is going through my mind as I walk to my locker. Part of me hopes that when I open it I'll find a note from her saying that she forgives me but I know I won't because when I look at her she kind of looks away. I want to keep looking at her because sooner or later she will have to look back but the guys come over. I only half listen to what they're saying. It's all bullshit anyway. They never talk about anything important unless we're discussing the band. As they go on about the same old shit I realise that I really don't care what their opinion is. The fact is, while I still want to be kissing her, I also want to talk to her. I want to have actual conversations with her because anything she has to say will be ten times more interesting than anything the guys will be talking about. I know that with her it's going to be complicated and hard because of how she is and because of how I am but I have to try. As I walk over to her, part of me already knows that I am going to screw this up somehow and part of me is already prepared for her telling me to get lost but, somehow, this the fact that I'm talking to her, like in front of other people, seems to make everything okay. I don't know why I reach for her hand as we walk down the corridor but, when I do, it just feels right, and for that moment everything seems real.
A/N - I got the DVD Boxset for christmas and I'm just as much in love with Jordan Catalano as I was when I saw the programme on TV many moons ago. This is my fist attempt at fanfic for My So-Called Life so any feeback would be most appreciated. Thanks for reading. LJx