Ron's Adventures
A FARCE
CHAPTER ONE
Harry stood outside the entrance to platform 9 and ¾, trunk in hand, waiting for his friends, Hermione and Ron to arrive. He was very anxious to see them as he had been secretly practicing his spells over the holidays, and wanted Hermione and Ron's opinions of them. With only three minutes to spare before the train's departure, Hermione came rushing up with the Weasley's and together they made their way through the solid brick gateway.
After settling into the sole empty carriage Harry blew his nose. After that he felt a lot better and he decided that it would be a good time to bring up his magic experiments.
"I've been working on some really brilliant spells over the holidays," Harry said, excited.
"Harry," Hermione pointed out, "you're not supposed to practice magic over the holidays."
"Cor Harry, ignore Hermione. I think that's bloody brilliant!" Ron said jovially.
"Okay. I've been working on this one which changes hair colour, I tried to practice it on Hedwig but she didn't like that very much," Harry said, displaying his bandaged left hand and slightly mauled face.
"You certainly can't try it on me," Hermione said highly.
"You can try it on me, Harry! I'd love to get rid of this red mop!" Rod said, trying to glare at his hair, but all it did was make him cross-eyed and suffer a slight headache.
"Right-o" Said Harry, "Any requests? Blond, black, green, pink?"
"I've never been faced with so many choices!" exclaimed Ron "I think I'll go black… once you go black you never go back!"
"Allrighty, Fentumun skiati, lungangum prioti, Lesteto fiati, mitali venti!" chanted Harry, waving his wand around, hitting Hermione in the head accidentally then pointing his wand at Ron as a bright red glow beamed from the tip.
"Bloody Brilliant!" Ron said as he was engulfed in the bright crimson light. His words echoed through the mountains, making the birds twitter and the grass sway merrily.
After a few minutes the blinding light faded, leaving Ron lying unchanged, but slightly dazed in the corner of their cubicle.
"Well that was an anticlimax." said Hermione in a deadpan voice.
"Pity it didn't work" said Harry, sounding defeated.
The rest of the trip was spent discussing what they'd done on the holidays, and what they were looking forward to at Hogwarts that year.
Soon they arrived at Hogwarts station. Ron squealed with glee as he disembarked the Hogwarts express and spying Hagrid's towering form over the head of the other students ran up to him to be engulfed in a big bear hug.
"Well, hello hello," growled Hagrid releasing Ron, "I'm pleased to see you too, Ron. And you Harry and Hermione."
The Hogwarts students followed Hagrid to the castle; they separated into their houses and went to their common rooms. After the large feast that traditionally commenced every term, everyone was tired and ready to sleep.
"Goodnight, Harry," Ron said as he yawned and tried to make himself comfortable in his bed. Of course, that was a very hard task since he'd had a strange itch at the back of his head ever since he'd arrived at Hogwarts earlier on in the day.
CHAPTER TWO
The next morning, Ron woke up feeling fresh, almost as if he were a whole new person.
He looked around the room, and saw that everyone else had left. He then looked at Harry's bed and saw the form of a body under the covers.
"I better get Harry up, or we'll be late," Ron thought as he walked over and punched the large lump.
"Get up, Harry!" Ron said. His voice sounded abnormally squeaky – almost like a girl's. Harry woke up quickly, the odd version of Ron's voice making him think someone else was there.
"Who are you?" he asked, looking unsure of himself. "Are you new? You're not allowed to be here; the girls' room is up the other staircase."
"Harry, you fool! It's me! Now stop joking around and hurry up or we'll be late for Snape." Ron exclaimed waving his gangly arms about him frantically with so much motion that the sound of his limbs piercing the oxygen around him was heard by Harry.
Harry turned away from Ron self consciously pulling his sheet around him before he stood up.
"Ah, alright then, I'm sorry I seem to have forgotten your name. Are you new?"
"Harry, it's me; RON!" Ron shouted, extremely angry. His cheeks were red and puffy, like balloons you can buy from a clown. Why was Harry acting so strange?
"Look I'm sorry ….girl–with-no-name but I think you have the wrong wing. The Hospital Wing is another flight up and I hear that Madam Pomfrey is really good with mental patients." Harry said fumbling with his clothes while he tried to retain some form of dignity while dressing.
"Harry, what is wrong with you?!" Ron yelled making his way over to the mirror.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!" Ron screamed. "What is that?!" he yelled, pointing at the reflection. "That's not me! That's a girl! This must be one of Fred and George's tricks! Just wait till I find 'em! I'm gonna—!" Ron began to threaten before Harry cut him off.
"Ron? Is that really you? But… you're a girl!" Harry gasped.
"I'm not a girl? This cannot be happening!" Ron insisted crossing his arms stubbornly across his chest but he found a little more chest than usual. "What the…?"
"I think we should speak to Hermione," Harry said. Rod nodded dumbly.
"Maybe you should stay out of sight until I come back," Harry suggested, "you know, in case someone else comes in."
"Yes, I get it, it's okay. It's not like I'm dying to show everyone what I've become," Ron muttered.
"If it helps," Harry said with a mischievous grin, "you're a good looking girl."
Harry ran out of the room laughing like a mad man as Ron started cursing and yelling death threats at him.
Soon after that Harry returned with Hermione.
"What have you done now, Ronald?" she said as she walked into the room. "Wait… Harry, where's Ron?" Hermione asked as she looked around the room. There was only a girl there. A girl with red hair and an angry frown that could only belong on the face of a Weasely. "Ron?" she asked, disbelievingly.
"Let's not rub this in, Hermione," Ron said, "I'm not in the best of moods."
"Don't let him stop you, Hermione," Harry said "He deserves all he can get. I mean what kind of idiot turns himself into a girl overnight!"
"Shut up you idiot, and help me turn back, get me out of this … thing." Ron growled.
"I would thank you Ron, if you expect my help, to kindly refrain from making such obviously degrading comments about the feminine mystique." Hermione scolded.
"The feminine mystique?" Harry asked with a roll of his eyes.
"Oh just shut up, it's a very good book but then I wouldn't expect you two to be so widely read."
"WHATEVER!!! Look, this is hardly relevant is it? Can we figure out why the hell I have turned into a girl and more importantly how I'm going to turn back?" Ron shouted.
"Let's look at this logically," Hermione said placatingly, "you must have done something wrong. Did you spill something on yourself in Potions?"
"Hermione," Ron began, "I am outraged that you have the audacity to suggest I could ever commit such a dense act. Oh, alright," he said, losing his look of superiority at their ridiculing glances, "BUT, that's still a no, I didn't."
"Well, have you eaten anything that Fred and George gave you lately?" asked Harry.
"No, they prefer experimenting on Percy now" said Ron with a glint of mischief in his deep blue eyes which were framed by his thick sandy lashes.
"Well think Ron!" cried Hermione "Have you done any spells?!"
"No" said Ron slowly, turning towards Harry, "but… you did! On the train, you remember, you tried to change my hair colour but look, Harry; do you see a shade of midnight upon this crown? Hmmm, do you?!" Ron's voice was rising higher and higher and the red was fast seizing control of his face.
"You…" said Ron slowly, walking towards Harry, "you turned me into a GIRL!!!"
Ron's hands closed around Harry's neck, tightening until Harry's face was a mottled purple, his eyes were bulging and his tongue began to make an appearance from his gaping mouth.
"Hermione!" Harry gasped, "Help me! This girl is trying to kill me."
"Harry, stop it. You know I don't like to be interrupted when I am thinking."
Suddenly a loud gasp sounded through the room and as Harry and Ron turned towards Hermione from where the sound had emanated, they were astonished to see a wide smile on her face and a look of supreme triumph and knowledge in her eyes.
"I've got it!" she exclaimed.
CHAPTER THREE
Draco Malfoy sat in his potions class, waiting for the class to start. Potions was class he ever came early to, but only because Professor Snape would basically let him get away with murder.
He sat there thinking about his next ploy to injure Harry Potter, while Crabbe and Goyle where trying to turn one of their textbooks into a Playboy magazine, when suddenly, his world stopped.
Time stood still as a long legged goddess with flowing red hair made her entrance into the classroom. Beauty emanated from her, and even the Gryffindor robes clothing her could not deter from her beauty.
Malfoy let a smirk spread across his face as he stood up and strutted towards his target. He walked up to her and blocked her path.
"Are you tired?" he asked, trying his best to sound sexy. She gave him an odd look.
"What do mean?" she asked, the angry in her voice music to his ears.
"Because you've been running around my mind all day," he said.
She started laughing out loud, and though this would usually aggravate Draco, the tinkling melody that was her laugh soothed his anger.
"Is that the best you can come up with?" she asked before walking straight past him and sitting down with Granger and Potter.
"Playing hard to get… I like that," Draco said quietly to himself before sitting down, just as Professor Snape walked in.
"Where is Ronald Weasley?" Professor Snape asked.
"He's… uh… sick. He had to go home because of the… um..." Harry tried to explain.
"Because of the infectious nature of it. Madame Pomfrey said that at Hogwarts there is too much fresh air and too much magic being cast. He needed to be in more stable surroundings," Hermione said sounding matter-of-factly.
"Indeed," Snape said sounding as though he had some of those magic green beans for dinner last. He began to turn to the blackboard before he noticed a new student in his class.
"Who is this?" he asked, directing his question towards Hermione.
"A new girl. She comes from Romania but her connecting flight to London got cancelled so she missed the train. Her name is…Ronna…um...Ronnalanette. You can call her Ronnie for short," Hermione explained. The girl pulled a face.
Snape turned his nose up at the red-headed girl, eyeing her Gryffindor robes with distaste.
"Class, today's lesson will be on the Golenshwuala potion. If you ever feel the need to reconfigure the atomic matter of living creature, this is the potion you will use…"
Snape turned towards the blackboard and began writing notes. Behind his back, plans were being formed.
Hermione's strategy was for the potion required to change Ron back to a boy.
"I have an idea. I've found a potion that can turn you back Ron—" Hermione began to explain.
"Don't you mean Ronnalanette?" Harry said, snickering. 'Ronnie' hit him on the head.
"As I was saying, the potion will be challenging. Making the potion is easy, but the ingredients will be very hard to get hold of. I've found their locations. So here's the plan…"
Hermione began to inform the others of her proposal, while another in the classroom was busy formulating his own.
Draco Malfoy had a great idea. It was a sure way to win the heart of his flaming goddess. All his attention was paid to the exquisiteness of his new found soul mate. Every moment, he was thinking of all the glorious times he and Ronnalanette would soon be spending together. Ronnalanette…. he thought such an amiable name….
The rest of the class laughed out loud, their jolly faces enveloping Malfoy's field of vision. He must have been pondering out loud. Malfoy didn't care for their jokes and loutish behavior, but rather returned to his thoughts. Aah….he contemplated...how to win her fair and virtuous heart.
CHAPTER FOUR
"Okay, so here's the list of ingredients," Hermione said, handing a roll of parchment to each of them.
"This seems like a lot…" Ronnie said, sounding uncertain.
"And they're a bit… uh… unconventional," Harry, noted while he read some of the ingredients.
"Yes, well, most of them are easy to find… but some—"
"Werewolf saliva?!" Ronnie exclaimed.
"Yes. Some items like that are hard to obtain, but—"
"3 ounces of spider eggs?!"
"Okay, and some are scary—"
"A token of your greatest love and your greatest enemy? That seems pretty vague!" Ron yelled, sounding angry.
"Well, three guesses for whom you hate the most," Harry said sarcastically.
"Malfoy!" Ronnie said with disgust.
"Obviously." Hermione rolled her eyes.
"So who's your greatest love, Ronnie?" Harry asked, elbowing her in the side.
"No-one!" Ronnie exclaimed. "Now, where are we going to get all this other stuff?"
"I've also written another list… we're all going to be very busy for the next few weeks," Hermione said as she unrolled an insanely long piece of parchment onto the floor.
Harry slinked around the corner of Snape's office. He noted he was in there talking to professor Flitwick about one of the students.
"This is going to take forever," Harry lamented inaudibly. Then suddenly realized he was wearing his invisibility cloak. He puttered into the office and moved silently behind Snape. His professor's back was to him, so he thought it safe to check the bottom left-hand drawer of his desk.
Amazed buy his luck he plucked the bright green bottle out of the drawer. Clutching it tightly to his chest he wriggled on his belly out the door, feeling the sudden urge to do so.
"One step closer," he muttered, realizing it was hard to talk whilst he wriggled like a snake down the corridor.
Hermione snuck down the corridor, her wand at the ready. She heard a low growl rumble from the end of the corridor. Taking a deep breath, she walked over to the large wooden door with a large jar in hand.
"Who would've known Fluffy was half werewolf?" Hermione said out loud, pointing out the obvious, just to move the story along.
She sneaked quietly through the door and found Fluffy fast asleep.
"Right-o, well finding the saliva shouldn't be a problem," Hermione muttered as she slipped knee deep into the frothy pool of Fluffy's drool. She quickly scooped up a jar of it and walked out as silently as she walked out the door.
Ronnie stood over her broomstick and prepared to fly over the lake to the cave where she would find a plant required for the potion.
"It's called the blomblaga plant. Its pollen attracts rabid pigeons; so watch out." Hermione's warning raced through her head.
"Here goes nothing," Ronnie said as she put her hand out over her broom. "Up!" He commanded. Nothing happened. "Up!" she said again. The broom twitched. "UP!!" She shouted, full of passionate rage.
The broom sprung to life and rose quickly into the air. Before Ronnie could mount it, however, it flew off to the magic forest to start a love affair with the magic flying car.
"Lucky I brought a spare," Ronnie said as she picked her back-up broom off the ground. She mounted the broom and flew off into the abyss of the night, heading towards the cave.
CHAPTER FIVE
Harry walked into the Gryffindor common, the front of his robes dirty from having slid from the dungeons to the common room along the Hogwarts corridors. He enjoyed his snake-like escapades, but made note not to do it again.
He saw Hermione come towards him, clutching the crate full of ingredients they had gathered thus far.
"So, as long as 'Ronnie' has gathered the Blomblaga plant, then all we need to get are the tokens of those he loves and hates the most," Hermione said, just as Ronnie walked through the door, completely covered in bird droppings and feathers, grasping a limp bundle of flowers.
"Ronnie, what happened to you?" Harry asked, his laughter threatening to erupt at the comical sight before him.
"And what is that on your head?" Hermione asked, pointing the pigeon that was pecking Ronnie's red head with a ferocity unmatched by any other animal she had seen.
"Oh," Ronnie said, lifting her eyes up, as if trying to look at it. "That's Gerald."
"Right," Harry said, raising an eyebrow.
"And that one?" Hermione asked, pointing to the other pigeon that was pecking a good-sized hole in Ron's left shoe.
"Oh. That's Esmerelda," Ronnie said, looking down. She then leaned in close to Harry and Hermione, as if delivering top-secret information. "I think she's got a thing for Gerald." Ronnie nodded knowingly as Harry and Hermione exchanged worried glances.
"Okay, enough of this." Hermione shooed away the birds, which fluttered away angrily before hitting a wall then falling to the ground. "I see you've got the Blomblaga plant."
"Ron… uh… Ronnie, maybe you should get cleaned up. Hermione and I will sort out this stuff."
Ronnie trudged off, quietly lamenting the loss of his two feathered friends.
Ronnie woke up bright and early on a fine Hogwarts Saturday, the feathery events of the night before forgotten. She quickly got dressed in some of the casual clothes that Hermione had leant him. For some reason he felt… awkward wearing them, but he shrugged off the feeling and went to the common room to meet his two friends.
"Morning Ronnie," Harry and Hermione chimed.
"Morning," Ronnie replied. "So what do we need now?"
"Just tokens of the people you hate and love the most. Harry and I will leave that up to you. We'll go get the potion started. We'll meet you meet you in Myrtle's bathroom at sundown," Hermione explained.
"Yeah, but right now, let's get breakfast!" Harry said excitedly.
The three of them set out together, intent on reaching the Great Hall for breakfast. They walked down the twisting Hogwarts corridors when unexpectedly, Draco Malfoy popped out from behind a corner.
"Good morning, my fair Ronnalanette!" He swooned, completely ignoring Harry and Hermione.
"Morning Malfoy," Ronnie said, barely keeping the disgust out of her voice. Draco then turned towards Harry and Hermione.
"Could you pilgrims leave and let me have a few moments with this wondrous beauty?" he commanded.
Hermione looked insulted at having been called a pilgrim, but Harry tugged her along, a smile on his face as he kept his laughter caged. Who knew Malfoy could ever have such a crush on someone? And a girl version of Ron Weasley no less!
"I thought you might like this token of my admiration for you," Draco cooed to Ronnie, who was watching his friends turn a corner towards the Great Hall.
"What is it Malfoy?" Ronnie asked, her contempt only kept in check by her need to get a token of Malfoy.
Draco reached behind him and then held out an angry looking ball of fluff.
"What is that?" Ronnie asked. Draco grinned.
"It's a pet. You may pour your affection upon it in my absence as if it were me," Draco said.
"Is that Filche's Cat?" Ronnie asked incredulously.
Draco looked uncomfortable for a moment, and then suddenly a shrill cry was heard from the end of the hallway.
"MRS NORRIS!" Filche yelled loudly, tears forming in his eyes. He sprinted up to Draco and snatched back his cat, which was now wearing a collar saying, 'For you, Ronalanette. With love, your Draco.'
Filche scuttled back down the hallway which he came, occasionally throwing an evil glare over his shoulder.
Malfoy looked up at Ronnie, an innocent touch in his deep blue eyes.
"Please forgive give me, pearl of my heart. I did it for you, only you. There ain't no valley low enough that could keep me from you. There isn't a mountain high enough, either. Neither a river wide eno—"
"Okay, okay! Geez," Ronnie said angrily. Then a thought occurred to her and she changed her tune. "Hey, yeah… um, could I have your… scarf. Y'know – so we can always be close. And I'll think of you on those cold winter nights or whatever," Ronnie said. Draco beamed with happiness.
"Of course, my love. You may wear this article of clothing and we can always be close, though we may be apart," Draco said dramatically.
"Okay, thanks. Well, bye," Ronnie turned around and went to the Great Hall, leaving Draco behind with his weird thoughts.
"Ah, Ronnalanette my love, hope to see you soon. I think about you constantly. Never is there a moment in time when I do not see your exquisite face, or dream about us spending the rest of out lives together. We were meant to be, Ronnalanette. It's in the stars, I just know it."
Draco continued to stand there dreaming until the late afternoon.
CHAPTER SIX
"Got it!" Ronnie explained as she exploded into the common room, proudly waving Draco's scarf about his head like a banner.
"Yuck," Harry said, "How can you even touch something of his without retching?"
"Well," Hermione said brusquely, "this means all you need is your love."
"Ah, right…" Ronnie blushed, "Well, I'll just go and sort that one out, shall I?" He slowly walked past the back of Hermione's couch.
"Ouch," cried Hermione, clutching her head, where Ron had just ripped out a bundle of her hair, "that hurt!"
"Oh, woops," said Ronnie shiftily, "I tripped and your hair was the closest thing to grab on to."
"What about the couch, Ronnie?" Harry inquired with a cheeky grin spread across his face.
"Shut up Harry!" Ronnie shouted loudly. "Well, I'll just go and get a token of my love now. Right. Off I go…" She laughed nervously as she set off to her dormitory.
"Something tells me he's already got a token," Harry said suspiciously.
"What do you mean?" Hermione asked.
"Nothing."
Draco stuck his head around the corner and pulled back. There were people there, once the coast was clear he pulled his hands together to form a gun, scurrying from corner to corner, the Mission Impossible theme music echoing through his head. He was Tom Cruise and he was so hot right now.
Draco moved down the hallway, column to column, following Granger, Potter and his darling Ronnalanette, who was dragging a large crate behind her. The Mission Impossible theme in his head gave him inspiration, and he was about to sprint towards the three of them, but four of his non-Slytherin professors suddenly appeared from around an adjourning corridor.
"Draco Malfoy, what are you doing here?" Professor McGonagall asked suspiciously.
"I'm merely wearing in my new shoes," Draco said, trying to look down his nose at his teachers. Of course, this was made difficult by the fact that Draco was much shorter than the rest of them, so his neck was severely hurt when he attempted to look down his nasal appendage at them.
"Stay out of trouble," one of his other professors said. Draco didn't say anything in reply. His professors walked off down the corridor and out of sight. As soon as they were gone, Draco shifted seamlessly back into spy mode. He hummed a James Bond theme as he moved with a kind of ecstatic monkey grace, coming closer to the door Granger, Potter and the beautiful Ronnalanette had walked into.
Feeling another burst of inspiration at humming a song, Draco swirled around and attempted his first back flip.
He failed miserably, and momentarily paralyzed his back, and unbeknownst to him, allowed his three peers time to concoct their potion.
With all three squeezed into one cubicle the potion had been rather difficult to create but they had managed until there was only one final ingredient to add.
"Alright," said Hermione checking her list, "there is only one thing more to add, your token of love."
"Look, is that a plane!" Ronnie shouted suddenly, pointing out the window.
"What? Where?" said Harry, "I can't see a plane anywhere!"
What Hermione and Harry didn't know was that while they had turned to look at the aircraft, Ronnie had inserted some hairs of Ron's greatest love into the potion.
"There's no plane!" Harry whined, pressing his face against the window.
"Oh it must have been a spring roll," Ronnie said.
"What?"
"Well let's get on with the potion shall we! I've added everything!!" Ronnie declared.
"Ok," Hermione said. "All we need to do is add water then say the same chant that Harry said on the way to the train."
Ronnie sighed heavily. "Well, this is it, I guess."
"Are you sure you want to do this," Harry asked, smiling, "I mean you're positive that you don't have feelings, deep down, for Malfoy?"
"Oh, just shut up and say the spell, Harry!" Ronnie said.
As the three of them leaned in over the potion, a floor away Draco was slowly coming to. His head was throbbing, and his spine seemed to be permanently curved outwards, so he made note to retire in Notre Dame. Suddenly the room stilled and he was brought to his feet with a single thought resounding through his brain… Ronnalanette.
He could hear noises voices coming from Myrtle's bathroom. He knew that only Potter and his pathetic friends often went there.
Angry that they had kidnapped his darling Ronnalanette, he sprinted to the door. He heard chanting. He tried to kick down the door and kinda hurt his knee, but he persevered and opened it like a normal person (but with a bit more anger). He looked inside just as Potter finished chanting and pointing his wand at Ronnalanette.
"Don't hurt my love!" Draco wailed and stormed in, intent on saving his dear Ronnie and ignoring the startled gasps emitted from the mouths of Granger and Potter. His goddess was enveloped in a blinding light. (How appropriate!)
The light faded and left Ronald Weasley slumped on the floor. Draco who had been darting towards him to cradle his darling, stopped short and stared at the boy on the floor, agog.
Hermione and Harry, smiling with their faces flushed from the triumph of success, grinned at each other.
"So, Draco, what do you think of your beautiful red-haired girlfriend now?" Harry asked slyly.
"You tell anyone," Draco said darkly, his eyes full of rage and disgust, "And I'll curse you to the point of no return!" He boomed. He strode out of the bathroom, his dignity robbed.
Harry and Hermione laughed and then looked down at Ron.
"We'd better get off Myrtle's floor; he might get rabies or something," Harry said. Hermione nodded and they both pulled him into a sitting position.
Ron's eye slowly opened, gazing at his two friends.
"Am I a guy?" he asked.
"You sure are," Hermione said, trying to sound sexy. Ron blushed and Harry rolled his eyes. Out of nowhere, triumphant music began to play. They all stood up as trumpets began to blare to the melody.
Somehow, they managed to get on their broomsticks and fly towards the setting sun, which made for a very pretty ending scene to a very stupid story.
THE END
…THANK GOD.