Nico can't breathe.
He has no idea why he thought this would be a good idea, but he's already rang the doorbell and he knows that if he shadow travels away now he'll never get up the courage to come back here.
He hears shuffling from inside the apartment and it's like someone stole all the oxygen from the air around him. His breathing is in short rapid spurts but he still can't get enough air into his lungs.
You made it through Tartarus, he tells himself. You can do this.
Yeah, right.
Then the lock clicks from the other side of the door and he can't do this, he needs to run away now, this was an absolutely terrible idea and—
The door swings open to reveal those familiar sea-green eyes and Nico's panic subsides just slightly with the realization that holy shit he's almost the same height as Percy now.
He can see straight into the eyes that he'd agonized over for years, blinking in confusion at him.
"Nico?"
And then all the dread rushes back in one swift rush of hyperventilating, heart-pounding anxiety. He can't do this.
"Do you want to, uh, come in?" Percy asks.
Nico manages to shake his head. He needs to keep this conversation short. At this rate, if Annabeth comes home from class early and he has to tell her too he'll probably develop hypertension.
Percy is staring at him silently, but Nico spent enough time agonizing over his expressions that he can read the question splayed out across his face: What are you doing here?
He hates that Percy of all people is hesitant to upset him. It doesn't bother him as much with the others. He still talks to Hazel, of course, and Jason won't leave him alone because he's got that damn I-need-to-support-everyone-but-no-one-can-care-about-me hero complex. But other than that he does his best to stay out of everyone's way. Occasional stints at one of the camps, sure, but nothing long term.
Nothing permanent.
Percy is still looking at him expectantly, so Nico mutters, "There's something I need to tell you."
"Okay," Percy says, still watching Nico like he might disappear at any second. Nico can't really blame him for that. Over the past few years he's shadow traveled to avoid Percy more than a few times. It makes things easier.
Nico can barely hear himself over the sound of his own pulse drumming in his ears. He needs to just fucking say it, but the effort to form two becomes too much and he finds himself stalling.
"I—It's not a big deal, I just thought… you should know that— Um. Yeah."
Godsdammit. He practiced this in a mirror for hours, mouthing the words, trying them out in his mouth. Two fucking words and he can't even say them.
His father is probably pissed at him right now for not having the guts to just get this over with. He doesn't even know if Hades knows. He probably does; with Nico's luck, every anonymous drunken hook-up from the past year probably ended up on the Underworld News.
"Nico, you're not making any sense. Is this—is there a new prophecy? Did Rachel—"
"I'm gay."
Nico squeezes his eyes shut so he doesn't have to see Percy's reaction. He's said the words before, of course, but it's different with someone who knew him before.
It's different with the man who was his first crush.
I'm gay.
He feels like he's suffocating while he waits for Percy to yell, or anything, really, but when he finally opens his eyes again the son of Poseidon is just standing there with a vaguely confused look on his face.
"Oh," he says. "That's it?"
Nico gapes at him. Even with the mild nausea his confession induced, he still manages to be outraged, "Seriously? That's all you have to say?"
Oh. That's it?
"No, I just—good for you," Percy says.
And Nico gets it, of course. Years of avoiding the seven – especially Percy –and suddenly he shows up on Percy's doorstep. Of course Percy would automatically assume the worst. Any demigod in their right mind would.
Still, Nico had expected something more than a shrug and a dismissal. It's better than yelling, of course, or three hours of questions (Hazel had done her best to understand something that was a completely foreign concept for a 1940s pre-teen, and he loved her for it, but gods she really needed to learn to use Google).
The adrenaline rush from earlier starts to fade and Nico suddenly feels exhaustion setting in, like after a particularly long shadow travelling trip.
Something must register on his face, fatigue or anger or nineteen years of repressed feelings, because Percy steps out into the hallway with him.
"Hey, man, it's cool. Seriously. Thanks for telling me." Pause. "Do you, uh— can I give you a hug?"
Nico shakes his head furiously. He will not – under any circumstances – let Percy touch him.
(Except maybe in a few circumstances that play out in his dreams sometimes because even when you're over a first crush the feelings you used to have never completely leave. But they are becoming increasingly infrequent, which Nico takes to be a good thing.)
"So, uh," Percy says. "You're welcome to hang out here or something—"
Nico shuts his eyes and shakes his head again, steeling himself for what he has to say next because this conversation is the closest he's ever going to get to closure.
"There's one more thing," Nico says, and his voice comes out so quietly he's practically whispering.
At the rate this is going, Percy won't even be able to hear his confession.
Confession. The word brings back the hazy memories of his mother dragging him to church to tell the priest about a schoolyard fight, or lying about sneaking cookies from the jar. It brings back repetitions of Hail Mary's and the idea of penance.
And maybe that's why he'd spent most of his teenage years punishing himself for having an unrequited crush on Percy. You like another guy? Stay as far away from him and anyone else who could possibly want to be your friend as possible. Spend middle school in the Underworld. It's your penance.
"Nico?"
He takes a deep breath. I used to like you. I don't anymore, but I thought you should know. That's why I was such a dick to you all the time.
He can't get the words out. If anything, this is harder than admitting that he's into guys in general, because he knows Percy's not a douchebag.
He's still staring at Nico, though, so Nico closes his eyes again and starts with the easier half of what he needs to say.
"I forgive you." He imagines that Percy's eyebrows are scrunched up in confusion so he elaborates, "For Bianca."
"Oh," Percy says softly, "Nico—"
"I was mad about it – I still am. But… I know it wasn't your fault that she died. You were on a quest and things happen. I get it. You shouldn't have made me that promise in the first place, but… it's okay."
"Nico—"
He can't let Percy interject or he'll never be able to say what comes next, so he keeps talking.
"After you came back and she didn't, I flipped out on you. And I shouldn't have run off like that, because I was eleven and naïve and it was really dumb, but—"
And here comes the hard part. He braces himself. "I could have dealt with Bianca dying. And I could have dealt with being a son of Hades. I still would have been pissed at you and probably everyone else, but I would have managed."
"So why didn't—"
"Shut up for a second, okay!" Nico is so surprised by his own outburst he opens his eyes.
The way Percy is looking at him, with kindness and concern practically radiating from his eyes… Shit shit shit shit shit.
"Sorry, I… Sorry. I just— it's hard for me to say this," Nico admits. He stares down at his feet so he doesn't have to look at those sea-green eyes.
From his peripheral vision, he sees Percy nod at him to continue. He takes a deep breath.
"I would have been okay, I think, except..." he gathers his courage and continues, "you were there."
He wills Percy to understand, but instead the son of Poseidon says slowly, "Because you hated me."
"No," Nico breathes. "I wanted to hate you. I thought you had killed my sister. But then there you were, this brave hero that everyone else idolized and you had saved Bianca and me from the manticore and you'd held up the weight of the world and were basically the only one who didn't stare at me like I was a pariah and I—I was eleven and stupid and… I couldn't hate you."
"Couldn't…" Percy repeats slowly, and Nico can see the exact moment when it all clicks into place for him. "Oh. Nico…"
"It's fine," Nico snaps. "You were like three years older than me and you had Annabeth and it was just a stupid— I'm over it now."
"It's okay," Percy says, and he's calmer than Nico would have expected. "I mean, you can't help who you—you know."
Nico nods. "I just thought you should know."
"Thanks." Then, "So all that – when you brought me to the Styx and—"
"Yeah."
"Oh. Wow." Percy looks like he wants to say something else, but can't find the words for it, so Nico interrupts.
"I'm going to go now."
"Okay," Percy says. "But Nico?"
He waits.
"You don't have to push everyone else away."
"Yeah. I got that."
"No, seriously. We're here for you. All of us. You don't have to disappear for months at a time."
"Thanks."
As he shadow travels back to his own apartment, Nico finally feel his heart rate return to normal. He collapses on his bed, but not before looking at the torn strip of paper he's kept in his pocket since last week, the ten digits written in a sloppy-but-still-legible script.
Call me when things are less complicated.
Nico reaches for the phone. Dials.
"Hey. It's Nico. I got my closure, if you're still up for coffee tomorrow."
A/N: Guys we get a Nico POV in BoO I've never been more excited for anything in my life.
I'll be getting back to my Caleo multichap (Tapestry) soon but this plot bunny was supposed to be a drabble and then became a whole story but yeah.
Review?