Name: Five
Shameful Fantasies about a Coworker
Author:
Rating:
R
Pairing: Oscar/Dwight, Michael/Jan, Michael/Ryan,
Kevin/Angela, Jim/Todd Packer
Disclaimer: I don't own
NBC's The Office. I am not affiliated with NBC or anyone involved
in the production of the Office. I'm not making any money off of
this.
Warnings: Some minor kink involving Jan and Michael,
threesome talk, drug use, some profanity, and Hitchhiker's Guide to
the Galaxy references
Sometimes, when he's having a particularly bad day, when Gil is being particularly pretentious, when Angela is being particularly frigid, when i Gil /i is being particularly frigid, Oscar rests his head in his left hand and lets the world slip. On most occasions, he watches Dwight work. Dwight operates on a somewhat mechanical level, as if every action was rehearsed. He makes small talk with his clients, and it sounds contrived, like a bad actor who copies his characters from the movies. It is as if Dwight has no idea what it means to be a human and is taking advice from a handbook.
That's when Oscar starts to think Dwight is an alien. Not just any alien—a Betelgeusian who is on Earth doing research for the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. In Oscar's wildest fantasy, Dwight is Ford Prefect. A really, really lame, Amish Ford Prefect. Oscar dreams that, one day, Dwight will corner him in the break room and tell him that Earth is about to be destroyed and "Question: would you like to be rescued?" Oscar will leave the office, Gil, and the Earth to embark on a crazy adventure in outer space. And, in space, Dwight will shed his creepy human shell and will actually be a really cool guy who's only interested in Oscar. And they'll have crazy inter-species gay sex because Arthur/Ford was totally canon.
That's what Oscar thinks when he allows himself to think positively for once. When he is being his usual self, he and Dwight will not have crazy inter-species gay sex and when they get to the Heart of Gold, everything will be like how it is on Earth. Michael will be Zaphod, except his second head will only be used to say "That's what she said." Pam will be Trillian, except she will want to continue the species and Oscar won't able to help her with that. Toby will be Marvin and the ship will sound just like Kelly. All of the Vogons will look just like Gil, spouting terrible poetry that Oscar "just doesn't get."
Oscar hates how he manages to fuck up his real life and his fantasy life.
---
One of the few good things about Jan's sexual freedom is the higher likelihood that she and Michael will have a threesome. While she spanks him with her favorite hairbrush, Michael wonders who would be the third person. Neither he nor Jan have many liberated bisexual female friends (or any friends for that matter), so it would have to be someone from work. Karen wears those Ellen Degenres pant-suits, but she keeps saying she's not into girls. Pam's hot, but she's said no twice already. Kelly's got, as Todd Packer would say, "an ass that you could rest a keg of beer on," but she's with Ryan. Dammit. Jan told Michael to stop thinking about Ryan when they were having sex.
Michael wonders if Jan wouldn't mind if he thought about Ryan if they were having a threesome with Ryan. Some might say that makes Michael gay, but Michael thinks that makes him a genius. He'd get the hot, smart, good-smelling young guy he's always wanted, but there'd be a chick who cancels out the gay sex. Simple math.
---
Toby has a reoccurring dream where Dwight and Michael go out hunting. Afterwards, Dwight drives to Toby's house, with Michael tied up in the bed of his truck.
"Toby! There was a horrific accident," Dwight cries. "Michael was attacked by a raccoon. He is now rabid."
Toby looks over to the truck. Michael is foaming at the mouth and howling at the moon.
"Toby, I need you to shoot Michael. I tried, but my loyalty to him stopped me from pulling the trigger."
"I don't know if I can…" Toby says.
"Please, Toby! You must!"
"Well, if you insist…" Toby picks up a rifle that magically appears and shoots Michael. Michael goes down.
Dwight wipes a tear from his eye. "Toby, you are a true hero. You are now the King of Pennsylvania. Huzzah!"
Toby likes that dream.
---
Kevin wonders what Angela looks like naked. It's kind of like imagining what a nun looks like underneath the habit. He bets she looks hot though. A wide grin spread across his face and he giggles.
"What are you laughing at?" Angela snaps.
"Nothing."
---
Todd Packer has learned that some guys get turned on by other guys and that he is one of them. Todd Packer has also learned that drinking a fifth of vodka before work every morning, snorting coke off of waitresses' asses, and calling other dudes fags can overshadow such proclivities.
Todd Packer has not learned how to stop his attraction to Halpert. What the fuck is that about? This Halpert has some weird magnetism (probably powered by his fuckin' Hanson haircut like some goddamn modern day Samson) that draws every broad and queer to him (except for the fruit in accounting who always seems to be mooning over the weirdo in the glasses, what the hell is that about?). Every time Packer sees Halpert, he just wants to throw the son of a bitch against the copier and fuck his brains out.
Of course, Packer does not. When he walks in the door at the Scranton and sees Halpert mugging at the camera, he's thankful for the rum and coke (mostly rum) he had for breakfast.
"What's up, Halpert? Still queer?"
Yeah. Same here.