Title: Wooing Steve Rogers
Summary: Tony was not known for giving advice so when Thor asked him for ways to win over Jane's heart he was more than happy to help the Asgardian. ...And then he found out that Thor was using his advice to win over the super soldier.
Disclaimer: I own my deranged mind. Does that count for anything? No? Damn.
Warnings: Swearing, yaoi, het, slash, eventual smut, drinking, poor grammar/spelling, etc.
It had been two weeks and Tony was starting to debate whether or not he should sit Thor down and talk to him about how his sulking was affecting the weather and, as a result, pissing off the wonderful citizens of New York. Honestly, the genius could think of no possible reason as to the blonde's mood; Loki had been brought back to Asgard and their one-eyed father was going to go easy on the freak show, Doctor Foster was making huge advancements in her field, the God of Thunder had moved into the best building in all of New York and he could easily get anything he wanted. Instead, the gargantuan blonde was throwing a hissy fit and fucking up all of weather in the process.
Nursing a mug of steaming hot coffee, and mentally thanking JARVIS for always brewing a mug whenever he wandered close to the kitchen, the genius made his way to the living room before flopping down on his couch and glaring sullenly at the rain that slammed on the large pane windows. It really was a shame to have a one-of-a-kind view ruined by a heavy pissing storm because the fucking God of Thunder was probably being forced to take Cosmopolitan quizzes with Darcy.
Sucking down a mouthful of hot coffee, the brunette stared out at the thick mist that had engulfed the city as water pelted at his windows, trying not to jump up at the sight of the lumbering blonde that had dejectedly made his way to the genius. "Avenger-Brother Man of Iron," Thor had said as softly as he could, which was still way too loud for Tony's ears in a room that was not blasting his music. "May I impose upon you for some assistance?"
"Please do!" the genius eagerly replied. If the Asgardian God of Thunder was willing to tell him what the hell was so wrong with his life, aside from the whole "my adopted brother hates me and tried to take over the world in what was a great pissing match but I still love his crazy-as-a-bag-of-cats ass" thing, perhaps he could help the overgrown lug out and Manhattan could actually see some fucking sunshine before the whole city decided to hang themselves in their apartments. Wow, dark thought. Washing away those thought with another scalding mouthful of coffee, the engineer turned his large, brown eyes to the blonde imploringly, hoping to get him to start talking before he would burst out with something random that would most likely be taken as a mockery - because it was one - and he would find himself part of the floor without his suit on.
"I wish to learn more of the Midgardian customs when it comes to courtship," the demigod said, as he wrung his hands nervously in the hem of his shirt. It was adorable in a puppy-ish sort of way...given that the puppy was fucking up the weather and could flatten them all without his mystical, magical hammer of fuck it all. Tony was sorely tempted to hop up and pat the unfairly-tall blonde's head and just offer him a few boxes of Pop-Tarts but that would end with his face in the floor and an even more upset demigod. Besides, the last of the Stark bloodline was feeling rather proud of himself for not cracking a coming joke at Thor's expense. Seriously, have you seen the guy shirtless? He really had to get some blonde friends that weren't built like a fucking tank, they were going to put him to shame and that just would not fucking do.
"Foster not that receptive huh?" Tony quipped before he could stop himself. Well, that ended the text he was planning on sending Pepper to brag about how well he was behaving in her absence; she always could see through his lies, be they in verbal or textual forms. Unfair as holy fuck. "Did you give her flowers?"
"It is not-" the Asgardian began before pausing and blinking his bright blue eyes at the genius. "Flowers? Surely a bigger gesture is needed?"
It was adorable just how clueless the big guy really was. Obviously there was a big difference between the women of Asgard and the mousy/spitfire that was Doctor Jane Foster.
"Flowers. Start off simple. You know; woo her or some shit that normal couples do. Definitely be normal. Poetry's, good, too. Small things like candies, chocolates, flowers, picnics, home-sy things to make her smile before you start whipping out diamond rings and latching onto her like a glitter to a stripper's tits. Don't use that in your poetry, by the way, go for that Shakespearean thing you've got going on for you. Real panty-dropper that one." At the confused look that he was given, the playboy realized that he had to be talking either too much or too fast again and was going to have to repeat himself. "Flowers, Keanu. Get her some flower either in her favorite color or something that reminds you of her. Write a cutesy note and stick it in the flowers."
"And this will win over my beloved's affections?" Thor asked. It was really stunning how a guy who spoke like something straight out of old romance novels was having difficulties putting the moves on the always-working scientist.
"No doubt in my mind. I tried it with Pepper."
"Did she not just-"
"Let's not go there, big guy. Trust me; would I lie to you?"
"SHIELD-Brother Eyes of the Hawk would proclaim that you would."
"Legolas is a bitch and he can suck my left nut."
"Why would the-"
"Testicles."
Immediately, the blonde's face lit up as he let out a bellowing laugh, roughly clapping the smaller human on his shoulder and causing Tony to splash some of his cooling coffee onto the floor. The billionaire grimaced at the ache in his shoulder and the loss of a potential mouthful of sweet, gloriously hot coffee. He waved off Thor's happiness as the large god left the room, the rain easing up outside and leaving the genius to believe that he had done the right thing and should be given a damn medal by the rest of the city.
Unfortunately, that was not going to happen. Damn New Yorkers.
The next time Tony entered the kitchen, he stepped past a vase filled with yellow tulips and blue, little flowers that looked more like decoration than viable plants without a second thought. Pouring a healthy amount of vodka into his mug and chugging it down helped him recognize that his normally empty table had a vase of flowers on it. He wrinkled his nose as he peered down at the boring vase filled with vibrant flowers. Something was off about this, something that just was not clicking.
"Hey, JARVIS, Steve still in the gym?" the playboy asked as he walked out of the room, giving the flowers one more glance but not a second thought.
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