Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Criminal Minds.
Sometimes you have nightmares. You stop dreaming about Riley Jenkins after you find out the truth. You wish you still dream about him though, because the new nightmares are somehow worse. You are always alone. You are always trying to save the team (your friends… your family) from danger. You always notice the vial of Dilaudid when you are almost there. You always wake up before you have to make the choice. You always have a pretty good idea of what happens next though.
Sometimes you wake up to a gun pointed at your forehead. You know that it isn't real but that doesn't really matter. You calm your shaking hands with a swig from the dark bottle that is now a permanent fixture on your nightstand. You know the statistics on addicts who switch from one poison to another but you don't really care. You have enough experience to know how to act at work. You can't risk having the team (your friends… your family) profile you again. You can't give your escape up.
Sometimes you mess up. You show up to the office on time. You spit out the useless statistics that are only sometimes helpful. You go through the motions during the case. You solve the puzzles, you color on maps, you pour over suspect lists. You do everything right until you do one thing wrong. You snap at the local detectives, you say something wrong to the victim's families, you profile the wrong person. You think that it's lucky that you already had poor social skills so your team (your friends… your family) just chalks it up to you being you. You enjoy knowing that you mess up not because you are awkward, but because you are slightly hungover or possibly still inebriated. You have one thing that is just yours and you will keep it to yourself until the day you die.
Sometimes you think you are too weak. You are meant to sit at a desk, not to go running into countless houses that hold countless unsubs. You struggle with hiding your fears as you point your gun at the unknown. You hide your doubts and feelings of inadequacy from the team (your friends… your family) because you know they will defend you, make excuses for you. You know they will pity you even more than they do now. You refuse to show them that you are even weaker than you appear to be. You suck it up, swallow your fears, and aim your gun into the darkness.
Sometimes you want to give up. You reach that point of no return and it seems like it would be so easy just to cross over. You see too much suffering, too much pain and you can't ignore it. You start to wonder how the team (your friends… your family) handles it and then you remember that you are so much weaker than them, physically and mentally. You may be smarter but that just makes it worse. You remember everything and you can't fucking escape it. You relive the nightmares over and over and over again. You know the memories will never stop so you take a swig from that dark bottle and drift off to sleep.
Sometimes you have nightmares.