A/N: I felt like a few scenes were missing from 3x01..I'm not sure if I'll add more to this or not, so that's the only reason this isn't "complete," but considered it finished for now. If I do add more, it'll probably be more canon stuff. If their thoughts seem jumbled, that was intentional. There are two parts to this, but I'm posting them both at the same time.

"When are you gonna go visit Mikey, Paige? Aw, come on, he's in there all alone. He keeps asking for you. Can't you just check in?"

Charlie's words echoed in Paige's head as she walked down the hospital corridor. The closer she got to his room, the slower she walked, because the last thing she wanted to do was see him. Even if seeing Mike was the one thing she needed. She needed to see him alive and breathing with her own two eyes, to give her some peace of mind, but it was the last thing she deserved. She didn't deserve any sort of solace until she made things right.

The closer Paige got to his room, the guiltier she felt. Mike asked to see her, but she still felt she was using him to quiet the demons in her head. She had no business being here. Mike was here, because of her. Hiding out in a hospital, because she sent Sid to kill him. And Sid succeeded. For six minutes, Sid succeeded and she got what she wanted. What she thought she wanted. Because the moment she realized what she had done, she felt like she couldn't breathe. She lashed out in anger and did something that couldn't be taken back, something she didn't even realize she wanted to take back until she admitted it aloud.

Sid tried choking her earlier, with his wife and kid just a few rooms over. Of course, this was after he sent one of his CIs after her on a motorcycle with a gun. It didn't matter to her if she was collateral damage as long as Sid was caught. That was the only thing that mattered to her. Mike could do to her whatever he wanted. Turn her in. Hate her forever. Whatever he decided was what she deserved. But she needed to catch Sid first.

Fed up waiting around for Sid to make a move, she approached him under the guise of needing to get their stories straight. But all she wanted was for him to slip up. Maybe she even wanted Johnny's trigger finger to slip. If she could taunt Sid into drawing his gun or even into shooting her, they could get him on something. It didn't matter if she got caught up in aftermath. If she went down for what she did, she'd find a way to deal with it. She betrayed Mike, she should pay.

It felt like it had been months since everything happened, but It had barely been two weeks. One minute she had been apologizing to Mike for believing the worst of him and the next he was confirming her worst fears. In a moment of devastation and betrayal, she found herself turning Mike over to his biggest enemy. Once she realized the consequences of what she had done, it was as if she had stopped breathing. Her entire world stopped. It was hours before Briggs came home and he found her staring at her gun, debating if she should just end it all right there. But suicide was a coward's way out.

But maybe that was what she was. Sending another man to do her dirty work, because she couldn't. Because she loved him, but still wanted him dead and she knew she wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes and kill him herself. So instead she sent Sid after Mike and now she had to live with the consequences of her actions.

Paige stopped in front of Mike's hospital room and self-consciously pulled her hair down. She had forgotten to see if there were bruises on her neck and if there were, hopefully her hair would cover them. She pulled down the sleeves of her sweater, not wanting Mike to see the bandages on her arm. She wasn't here to show off her battle wounds in some pathetic attempt to show him that she was trying to avenge him, which was hypocritical because she was the reason why he needed avenging.

She spent nearly an hour picking glass out of her arm and bandaging herself up, refusing Jakes' offer to help or take her to the ER. Her injuries weren't that bad. Besides, the pain she felt was only a fraction of the pain that Mike had endured because of her.

Her hand hovered over the door knob and she stepped back and started pacing up and down the hall. Stopping near his door, she leaned against the wall, trying to gather her bearings. Paige flexed her hands a few times to stop herself from shaking.

Mike wanted to see her. Everyday, he asked for her. Every time someone visited him, she was informed of his request.

"Mike wants to see you."

It seemed simple. Only there was nothing simple about it. Mike knew what she did, but she was avoiding him. Because facing him meant she would have to face what she did and she was struggling enough to make it through each day without having a breakdown. How was she supposed to make peace with what she did and see Mike before Sid was handled? She knew it would only make things worse for her, but her comfort level didn't matter. If Mike wanted to see her, she should see him. Mike was less than twenty feet away and she couldn't find the strength to open the door.

For days, everyone, with the exception of Briggs, had been asking her why she wouldn't visit Mike. Everyone thought she was still mad at him for everything they had been through this summer. And on some level she was. She had a right to be angry. Just because she betrayed him in the worst possible way, it didn't erase all of his wrongs. Even if she ignored what they meant to each other, they worked together. Lived together. But he lied to her repeatedly. She wasted so much time and energy searching for a girl he knew was dead. If he had just told her the truth, they could've worked together to shut it down instead of feeling like they were on opposite sides. Instead of letting her distrust build and build, until she couldn't tell the truth from the lies. Because the lies became his truth.

Paige leaned her head back against the wall, angry tears streaming down her face.

Mike was alive and he wanted to see her, but she was afraid to see him. Afraid to open that door and face him. Afraid he didn't really want to see her and her roommates thought they were helping things by lying about him asking for her. Because what if he didn't want to see her? And even if he did, she didn't know what to say.