A/N: Hey thank you so much for taking the time to read this it means a lot. If you have the time please review and let me know what you think. I'll warn you now that if you're anti Swan Queen then don't read because that's all this is.
Disclaimer: I don't own ouat or swan queen obviously.
The first time you catch her dancing in the rain it is the start of summer and you are struck by how very childlike she looks. She's there in the middle of the street and she's dancing as though there is no one in the world to see her. From where you are stood you can tell she has her eyes closed and her head is thrown back as though she is trying to taste the world through the rain. For the first time since you first laid eyes on her you can see the carefree little girl who still lurks somewhere behind those barriers she had so knowingly constructed. You can see the vulnerable little girl whose only wish is to love and be loved.
You watch from your shelter, your refuge from the rain. She is drenched through to her very bones, her hair is plastered to her face. You have no doubt that when she stops moving she will be freezing. Hell you're freezing even though you're relatively dry. You know that standing here rather than seeking refuge inside is worth it because of the beautiful and rather serene smile slowly spreading across Emma Swan's face. As you watch you take a sip of your coffee and note to yourself that you have been watching her for so long that it has had time to go cold and you didn't even realise.
The first time you see Emma Swan dancing in the rain is the day you realise that you wish she wasn't dancing alone. You wish she was dancing with you and you wish that you had the right to want that. Little do you know as you turn to leave, despite the rain, that her eyes open and she watches you leave with the conflict raging inside of her written all over her face.
The second time you watch her dancing in the rain it is fall and it makes you want to cry. It makes you want to fall to your knees and weep. It makes you want to fall to the floor and sob uncontrollably. As you watch her you almost give in to the urge, you almost crumple into yourself. This time she looks so happy that you are almost consoled. Knowing that she is happy is almost enough but still a part of your heart feels hollow. Knowing that some one can make her that happy is so close to being enough. It is so close to being enough that it makes it nowhere near enough at all. The idea that the someone who makes her this happy isn't you kills you inside.
The part of watching her (which just so happens to be one of your new favourite pass times) that hurts you so much this time is that she isn't alone. Her partner is the father of your son, who is no longer really yours, and the part which hurts so much is that for a moment you allowed yourself to think that it could possibly be you in his place. For a moment before Neal appeared you allowed yourself to hope that one day you would be both redeemed and privileged enough to join in with her dancing in the rain. You allowed yourself to latch onto that glimpse of what your future could have been and the you hoped shamelessly for it. You flaunted your hope and now it has been snatched so coldly out of your unrelenting grasp. With the loss of your hope your heart had begun to break.
In a way it's rather ironic. Your fully dark heart had been broken and trampled on, if unknowingly, by the saviour Emma Swan. As you watch her dancing in the rain without a care in the world (or so you think at this moment in time) for a second time you admit to yourself that you're in love with her. You admit that you're in love with the child of your one time nemesis and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. You admit to yourself that you wouldn't even if you could because in a way, no matter how painful being in love with Emma Swan is, you treasure the pain because apart from what you feel for Henry you have never felt anything so intensely before.
As you watch them dance slowly together in the pouring rain from the alley you stand in you allow your tears to mix with the rain as they roll down your cheeks. Steeling yourself against the constant sharp ache that has settled in your chest you turn away and take an unsteady step towards your Mercedes, the coffee you were on you way to buy forgotten. This time as you walk away you feel her gaze on your back, burning into you. Something in her chest is torn apart as she watches you walk away, she does nothing because she hasn't found the courage to admit to herself how she feels yet. So she stays with the father of your son, dancing in the rain, repressing every thing she feels and pretending that everything is fine. Running has always been a speciality of Emma Swan and thoughts and feelings are no different. At least that is what she tells herself at the time.
The third time you watch her dancing in the rain it's the middle of winter and it's so cold that you're worried for her health. This time she is alone again and Neal has not been in contact for months on end. When he had left she had not been heart broken as you had expected and you don't know what that means. You find yourself in a repeating pattern and you have begun to let yourself hope again. What you hope for you're still not sure. You don't know what you want from her, all you know is that you love her so much that it feels toxic, you feel poisoned by it and it has slowly taken over your life and your being. Every decision you make is now not only clouded by Henry but also by her. She inhabits every thought that you have throughout the day, she invades every moment of your life. Somehow, and you're still not sure how, she had crept into every aspect of your life.
This time as she dances her movements seem more controlled and deliberated then the first time you saw her. It almost seems as though she knows some one is watching and it crosses your mind that maybe she knows that you're here. She might even want you to be watching. Her movements are breath taking and she is stunning as she moves. Watching her makes it difficult for you to breathe, you have no idea how someone so utterly mesmerising is allowed to exist. You have no idea how someone like you, someone so utterly evil, is allowed to cross paths with someone who can possibly be this pure and awe inspiring at any given moment.
You are certain that to others she wouldn't look half so radiant but you suppose that you have a good reason to be biased. Unrequited love can do that to a person.
That serene smile appears across her face again and you know that if you were to die tomorrow you could die happy simply because you have seen her be so innocently happy. Her face is covered by that smile and it is so big in its entirety that you're surprised it's even possible. Seeing her this happy makes your chest ache with longing but at the same time it makes your heart jump inside you in a weird pattern, like its playing hopscotch. You can see her in Henry when she's like this and the idea of it makes you smile, not your usual polite smile or your trade mark smirk but an actual gods to honest smile.
As the rain gets heavier she throws her arms out as though she is embracing the oncoming storm that you can feel brewing in the heavy air around you. With her arms spread wide and that huge smile still taking up the entirety of her face she begins to spin. She starts off by going extremely fast, so fast in fact that your sure that the world would be a blur around her were she to open her eyes, which you have noted she never does when she is dancing in the rain. It is this that prompts you to take a step forward, you convince yourself that you are safe to do it, that thee will be no harm done as Emma won't see you. As her spins begin to slow she throws her head back and laughs exuberantly, she laughs loudly and it holds such happiness that you are held on the spot in awe. As you stare unabashedly and slack jawed you note that her hair has gone straight and is plastered to her face and that her mascara has run all down her face.
You are still glued to that spot when she looks up. Your brown eyes meet her green ones and you are absorbed at once. Even if you wanted to you wouldn't be able to look away, it would be impossible and futile for you to even try. There is some thing in them that holds you in place and makes you never want to look away from her. That serene smile is no longer on her face but there is a smaller and somehow better smile on her face. It is a knowing smile, as though the meeting of your eyes has told her everything she could possibly need to know. Then she blinks and that smile disappears. There is something in her gaze that holds the promise of soon, which confuses you an enormous amount, but all too soon she turns away.
As she walks away there is something in her gait that tells you she will soon return and your gaze is so intense you know she can feel it burning into her back as you once felt hers burn you.
The fourth time you find her dancing in the rain it is spring and she is barefoot in the barely the rain. Rather than her face holding that serene and rather beautiful smile it holds confusion and more than a small amount of conflict. As she raises her head to the sky she closes her eyes and her teeth sink into her bottom lip and it becomes trapped between them. As she dances you can see her forehead crease as her thoughts battle inside her head, she knows you are there and so you wait to see which side will win out. You know which side you hope for. As you watch her dance you can't help but twitch nervously as you anticipate the outcome of her thoughts. Whatever she decides will choose whether your heart breaks or whether you will finally be forgiven and rewarded for your attempt at redemption.
A couple of hours ago you had asked her to do you the honour of becoming your girlfriend. She had looked at you as though she were a deer caught in the head lights of your truck and you had known that she needed time to decide. If she said yes she would finally be accepting the fact that you loved her and that she loved you too, which you knew she did. If she said no she would break both of your hearts just so she could go on denying the fact that she loved you. If she said no you know that you will give up hope eternally, your life will no longer be worth anything. If she said no you would have been beaten down by the world one too many times to make another come back, you would lack the strength to do that.
Emma's choice would quite simply be your undoing or your final redemption. You watch as the thoughts war on in Emma's head, you watch as she dances faster and faster almost as though her life depends on it. For the first time ever her movements seem desperate and as she dances you hear whimpers escaping from the back of her throat. You want to go to her, to hold her, to console her, but you won't, you can't. If you do you will impact on her decision and you won't do that to her because it's simply not fair and if there's one thing you'll continue to do to your dying day it's treating Emma and Henry right.
Finally her movements begin to slow and her whimpers become fewer and far between. You can tell that she has almost made her decision, her face has almost become a mask of acceptance. You know she doesn't want to accept her feelings for you, it will cause so much disparity between her and her family. You feel awful for putting this sort of choice on her bug you couldn't help it, you know that you had to ask before the pain of silently ignoring your feelings for each other killed you both. You will accept whatever choice she makes and live with it even if it leaves you a shade if who you once were before both the worlds you had lived in had the chance to beat you down at all. The only way you will even remotely become like that person again is if Emma chooses you- you won't let yourself hope too much, it will just make you hurt more if the inevitable choice comes.
After a few more very long agonising seconds and a few ragged breaths on your part, you see the mask of acceptance and finality settle on Emma's features. As she turns to face you, which makes your heart skip a beat because even though her eyes are still closed she is so attuned to your presence that she just knows where you are stood, her eyes flutter open and that small knowing smile you have become accustomed to is painted on her face.
Slowly and oh-so deliberately she raises her right arm and crooks her index finger at you. Hesitantly, you take a step towards her and then another. When you are within reaching distance she reaches for your left hand and she entangles your fingers together. It is a messy move but it is so endearing and it fits so well that it is perfect, no matter how cliché that makes your situation. She draws you nearer and places her free hand on the small of your back, your hand settles on her shoulder and then winds around the back of her neck when she draws you even nearer. Actions speak louder than words and where Emma is concerned this action is so colossal that you are nearly moved to tears at the sentiment.
You dance slowly to your own music there in the middle of the street and in that moment it is over your face that a serene smile spreads. It's a year later when, in the middle of an argument in the pouring rain, right in the middle of the street, you draw her to you kiss her and ask her to marry you.
The fifth time you ever see her dancing in the rain it is spring again and it is your wedding night. Of course this time you are dancing with her from the very beginning. For the pair of you this signifies the promise of forever and the end of the loss of hope. Henry is stood on the kurb, watching you dance and although there is no music playing you both know that you are perfectly in time. As you watch that serene smile spread across her face you find that you are more than thankful that you were privileged enough to have seen her dancing in the rain that first time in early June almost four years earlier. Actions speak louder than words you think and so you draw your new wife and the mother of your child closer and hold her there as you dance in the warm evening rain on the eve of your wedding and you thank every thing you can think of, but mostly her, for giving her to you.