Title: The Final Play
Pairing: Brittana, Bram, Glee Club Friendships
Word Count: ~3000
Summary: The seven steps Brittany S. Pierce took so Santana Lopez could chase her dreams.
Disclaimer: Inspired by the most recent episode of How I Met Your Mother. Also somewhat influenced by Cloud Atlas, because the book and film occupy my thoughts. Any and all similarities to any other works, published or otherwise, is purely coincidental.
Author's Note: This is my desperate attempt to comprehend the whole season so far, even if I stopped watching after Thanksgiving. Congratulations to the survivors of the Mayan Apocalypse!
The Final Play
Step 1: Admit To Yourself That You Are Holding Her Back
They say you can't fix something if you don't realize it's broken, but Brittany doesn't understand how that makes sense. Like, she and Santana aren't broken up, but just 'cause that's true doesn't mean there isn't something that needs to be fixed. Brittany doesn't really know what needs to be fixed though. She would ask Santana if she could, but it's already really early morning and Santana still hasn't showed up for Skype time, and Brittany can't really make sense of anything.
She'll wait a little bit longer, but her eyes are already blurring with tears, and there's this uneasy feeling in her stomach, like she swallowed stones for dinner and now they're grinding back and forth against each other 'cause there's not enough space for them inside.
The closest Brittany's ever felt to this was when she was sitting in Coach Sylvester's office, listening to all the tough love that sounded a lot like mean. Now that's something Brittany knew made her broken, 'cause being kicked off the Cheerios felt like a clock shattering into pieces. But Brittany knew she could still fix the clock if she really wanted to, and she did, even if no one really got that she was fixing it. Except maybe Sam.
And anyway, time still goes on even with a broken clock, except in moments like this. Time stops when she's spread out on her bed and lying on her stomach, hoping Santana will appear online and talk to her. Time only starts moving again when she does, and everything makes sense. Especially the two of them.
So she'll wait a little bit longer, even if her stomach is too heavy and her limbs are too tired. She'll remind herself that Santana doesn't like to break the promises she makes about the two of them, and some days even if she's tired from practice and needs to sleep or has homework to do, she still remembers to go online just to say goodnight BrittBritt. Santana's life is in college now, Brittany knows, but it's almost easy to forget that whenever she has her girlfriend's face filling up her small computer screen.
But the thing that's easy to forget then is the only thing Brittany can think of now, whenever she waits and time is broken. Everything about Santana feels so far away, until Brittany has to squint to see her, and her eyes are getting thinner than Tina's. Santana's so far away and Brittany's still here. It's hard to think about, but Brittany knows somehow that if Santana could, she would keep on going—past all the cheerleading practice and college homework, past Ohio and Kentucky, past Mercedes Jones and Rachel Berry, pushing forward 'cause she's burning with ambition and bursting with all kinds of awesome. Brittany knows Santana could do it all if she really wanted to.
It makes Brittany wonder if the only thing holding Santana back is the thought of Brittany, right here, right now, lying on her bed and waiting for her to come back to high school.
Step 2: Get Her To Break Up With You On Her Next Visit
When Santana comes home to do laundry one weekend, Brittany realizes that the thoughts that bother her at night are right. Santana talks about Kurt and says she's not jealous about how he's making it in New York, and it makes Brittany feel a little sad that Santana's trying to lie about how badly it's bothering her that she can't be out there making it, too. All she ever wanted was for Santana to be happy, and Brittany knows that being here right now isn't enough anymore. Brittany isn't enough anymore. She used to be, but she isn't right now.
Brittany knows Santana isn't going to admit that much out loud, maybe not even to herself. Her girl's always been stubborn that way, and while it used to make Brittany smile, all it does is hurt now. So if they're not broken up right now, maybe they need to be. Maybe that's the only way to fix things. 'cause if a partnership is about building each other's dreams, Brittany needs to be brave enough to end that partnership if it isn't building Santana's dreams anymore.
It hurts more than she can bear, but Brittany knows she needs to make it look like it wasn't her idea. She can't be the first to say anything—the only time she ever did, it was to ask Santana to sing a duet with her, and all that managed to do was scare Santana off. No, it has to be Santana who says it, just like it had to be Santana who admitted her love first, even if Brittany was already so sure then about how she felt about her best friend. Just like it had to be Santana who asked about whether or not they were dating, after Brittany wait waited so long for her to say something about it. Just like it had to be Santana who kissed her first in the hallways, 'cause she still needed time to become brave enough to do it. Just like all those things, it has to be Santana. It has to be Santana who ends it.
So Brittany does just that. She makes it seem like she's the one being held back between the two of them, that Santana will do her a favor by allowing them to drift apart and grow separately. Santana sings her a beautiful, sad love song about how she's the best thing that's ever been hers, and it makes Brittany cry 'cause she just wants to say that she'll be Santana's forever. But she can't, 'cause those are the kinds of words that trap a person, if they're not said at the right time.
"I will always love you the most," Santana says, and that's when Brittany's heart finally breaks, 'cause she knows it means Santana's ready to start moving on.
Step 3: Tell Her In Your Way That You Still (And Always Will) Love Her
They say the first three days are the worst after a break-up, but Brittany doesn't know how that makes sense 'cause after the first three days of nonstop crying, she cries even more on the fourth day 'cause it's Friday, and Friday is date night.
It gets a bit easier to deal with when Mike and Mercedes come back to town. They look great and say they're happy about where they are in their lives, and it comforts Brittany a little bit to think that Santana might feel the same way soon. Brittany reminds herself that it's better for Santana to be far away, trying new things, than stuck here in Lima, like her and Finn. When preparation starts for the musical, it's easy to get distracted with all the new people she gets to meet, and all the things they have to rush, but when Mercedes 2.0 drops out of the play, Brittany can't help thinking that there's only one person who can replace her.
She tries to keep it to herself for awhile, making Finn grind his teeth over and over as he tries to think of a new Rizzo. But when she finally breaks and tells Sugar about her idea, Finn finds out soon enough. Before she knows it, Santana is back, standing in the old choir room where they fell in love. Her smile is so hard to take off her face, and it's wider than she remembers smiling in a while, like she's making up for all the smiles she couldn't smile when Santana was gone.
Santana's eyes are still soft when they look at Brittany when Joe asks her what she's doing in town. Sugar hushes him like she knows what's really going on, and Brittany's grateful 'cause all she wants to do now is stare and stare at Santana 'cause even if she knows that letting Santana go was for the best, she's only human.
When the play finally opens and Santana's back stage fixing her make-up, Brittany knows she shouldn't but she goes to Santana anyway. Brittany comes up from behind her and puts her hands on her shoulders, leaning in too much and lingering too long because all she wants to do is bury her face into Santana's shoulder and smell the deep, rich essence of her. Stay, she wants to beg, don't leave me again. But she can't, so all she says is: "I'm really glad you came back to play Rizzo. I feel really bad for Mercedes, but if her parents want her to be a boy, then, I guess it makes sense." She wonders if Santana knows that what she really means is I'm really glad you're here again because everything makes sense. She knows Santana gets it when she chuckles, and Brittany can't stop the murmur of "I miss you," from pushing out from deep inside her. She looks away when she says it, because she still isn't sure if she should, even if it's the only part of the truth that Brittany can say right now.
Except it gets harder for Brittany to keep her secret when Santana says, "I miss you, too. The only reason I agreed to do this play was so that I could see you again."
Brittany knows then that she should stop talking and start walking away, because the whole point was to let Santana go so she could do better things without her. But she still wants to say it, because some part of Brittany desperately wants Santana to understand that break-up or not, there isn't anybody else for her. "Well, I'm not dating anybody new. Boy or girl."
The pause hurts more than Brittany thought it would, and when Santana talks again there's an odd edge to her voice that makes Brittany's stomach feels like rocks again. "Britt, we talked about this. And it would be fine if you were." Are you? Brittany wonders to herself. Santana softens again after a moment, and adds, "I'm glad that you're not."
Mike chooses the perfect time to interrupt. Brittany teases "Ms. Lopez," as soon as he leaves, because she knows when she's lost and needs to pull herself back in. But she wants to leave with one last reminder of who they used to be and what they used to have, because while she wants Santana to move on, she doesn't ever want Santana to forget about them. "You have to think of something that makes you, like, really sad. Like how we're not together anymore and it's okay, but it still hurts a little bit. Especially on Fridays, 'cause that was our date night."
When Santana performs There Are Worse Things I Could Do, and sings "But to cry in front of you/That's the worst thing/I could do" while looking at her with the world in her deep, dark eyes, Brittany knows it means Santana remembers. It breaks her heart all over again, but she smiles anyway, because if this pain means that someday her girl will be singing songs of her own, she'll take all the hurt she can get.
Step 4: Fall Back Into Being Friends, Because It's Better Than Nothing (Even If It Hurts)
It becomes easier for Brittany to follow the flow of her life after that. She learns to fall asleep at night without staring longingly at her laptop screen, accepting the fact that Santana's out there in the big, wide world, finding a place to grow and belong. They do a Heroes week for Glee club, first 'cause Blaine's still wallowing in his post-break-up funk, then 'cause Finn's out of ideas and he's always liked playing the hero anyway. She decides to be the Human Brain 'cause she knows no one will think about a superhero as awesome as that, and it's the kind of thing Santana would have called genius and laughed at 'cause it was cute.
When Santana comes back for Thanksgiving, thankful is the only thing Brittany feels 'cause she hasn't seen her best friend in a long time and Santana looks better than ever. When the three of them with Quinn present Come See About Me to the newbies, it almost feels like they're sophomores all over again. Brittany sort of wishes they were, 'cause if they were she could re-do everything. Except maybe do it better this time, smile more at Santana in the choir room so she could count higher and higher in her head until there were no more numbers to keep track of her smiles. She would protect her from all the bad things, like Finn with his stupid Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, and Abuela Lopez with her secrets. She would attend all her classes and graduate on time.
"See about me!" Brittany sings, trying not to glance through the corner of her eye when she does. It really does feel like sophomore year, now that she thinks about it. She and Santana aren't together, and they're flanking their Captain in performance. It feels so much like they're back at the start, even if Brittany knows there's no going forward for the two of them anytime soon.
Step 5: Start Dating The First Person Who Pays Attention, Because Santana Still Needs A Final Push. Fake Marry Him If Necessary.
They say that having a rebound is the best way to get over an ex, but that's not why Brittany starts dating Sam. While it is true that she likes him most in the Glee club right now, and he makes her smile when she feels really alone, she knows she needs to start dating someone for Santana to feel like she's moving on, too, 'cause Santana isn't selfish. If she didn't think Brittany wasn't having a hard time, she wouldn't keep finding ways to keep coming back every other week to check on her. It warms all the pieces of Brittany's heart, but she has to remember that she had a goal here, and the goal was more important than anything about her.
So she dates Sam. Once the word gets around, Santana stops coming. Brittany doesn't even see her for Christmas. And even if it almost kills her to stand through a moment with someone else calling her "soulmate," she finds a way to empty herself of feeling and keep on breathing, 'cause whatever determination Santana gains in exchange is more important than whatever parts of herself she loses. It was just like the song said, anyway: "Man, you wouldn't believe/The most amazing things/That can come from/Some terrible nights."
Step 6: Wait For Her To Take The Final Leap, And Leave To Chase Her Dreams
Brittany heard from Sam, who heard from Tina, who heard from Kurt, when Santana visited Rachel in New York with Quinn. That was finally it, Brittany knew. It wouldn't take too long after that for Santana to go after the dazzling bright lights that would help her reach all the stars she dreamt of every night. Brittany thought it would still hurt a little bit to hear when Santana was really moving on and moving in with Rachel and Kurt, but all she felt was proud.
Step 7: Hope That You Find Her Again, A Little Ways Down The Road
Sometimes Brittany wants to regret what she did, but she knows she can't, especially when she thinks of Santana's first e-mail from New York: a picture of her with Rachel and Kurt in their spacious place, all bundled up together, grinning from ear to ear.
Wish you'll be here someday xoxo –S, it said, and it made Brittany laugh and cry at the same time, those five words mending all the pieces of her heart, teaching her, all over again, that anything is possible.