It's been nearly twenty years since I have been on the Quileute's land. My land. My home. Being back in La Push brings an abundance of mixed emotions; sadness, joy, resentment, relief, anger, nervousness, but most of all guilt. My leaving so many years ago, hurt the ones I loved, my brothers, my pack, my tribe, but most of all it hurt my father. Leaving without saying goodbye, without telling him where I was going or when; if, I would be back had been hard on him, and I didn't need the rest of the pack to tell me to understand what my actions have done to him. Knowing that I had hurt Billy so much, was almost enough to bring me home, almost but not quite enough.
Back in those days, the pain I was feeling, the loss, the betrayal, far outweighed anything else. Nothing mattered, only getting as far away from this place as possible. Far away from her, from her leech. Her executioner. I couldn't bear being within a thousand miles of him, of her, and that hurt more than missing her. Knowing that I wanted to be as far as possible from her, the girl I thought I loved. Her presence was too much for me, smelling her scent around La Push, around the town, walking past my garage that was now filled with wonderful memories of her, had pushed me further from it's boundary lines. It pushed me to the other side of the world. Running was the only thing that gave my mind some sort of peace. It allowed my mind to think, even if briefly, of something else, the wind on my face, my paws powerfully kicking off the ground beneath. The cool breeze blowing through my fur. Relief from the overall sadness I felt everywhere inside, even in wolf form. I knew if I phased back I would collapse, I would not be able to deal with the human emotions attached to the ones I was already feeling. Instincts were far better than emotions at this point. The need to run, to hunt, to hide, it felt better to me than the feelings I knew were waiting for me in my human form. I would stay a wolf for as long as I could.
I had phased back about ten years ago, when I had visited Forks. I knew my family, my brothers would see me in town and I wanted to be sure they could not find me. I wanted to do this on my own. I didn't want their insight, I didn't want their opinions, I didn't want anything, I just wanted her, or so I thought. I had returned to her house, her home, where I once found joy, but as I walked up the drive, the only thing I felt was emptiness. Charlie, her father still lived there at the time. He was elated when I knocked on the front door. As soon as he opened it, his smile beamed across his face. I never really saw Charlie show much emotion, for anyone, including Bella, but he grabbed me into a tight hug. He just stared at me, knowing why I was here. He knew I was here to see her, to find her, what he didn't know was that I was actually here to check, to see if she was still in contact with him, to see if she was still human. I knew she had married the bloodsucker, I had seen the whole day through Seth Clearwater's memory. That was something that I would never forget, the look on her face as she said, "I do". That drove me further than knowing she had chosen him over me. Knowing that she was giving herself, her soul, her life to this leech, willingly. Charlie had not seen Bella since the day after the wedding. He received one phone call, and Bella had told him she would miss him, that she loved him, and that she would write. He produced letters, one for every month she had been gone. A update on her life, but nothing specific. All he knew, was that she was happy, and that she was with him. He had then asked me to wait on the couch, as he went upstairs to retrieve something, it was a handful of letters, held together by a ribbon, they were letters from her, to me. I took them, thanked Charlie, and left. I didn't phase again after that. I didn't want the pack to know what I was feeling, what I was thinking, what my heart was telling me. I wanted to be alone, forever. There were five letters from Bella. I only needed to read one. I can remember exactly what it said, even ten years later.
Jacob,
I know you think my life is over, and maybe in some way it is, but in my eyes, in my heart, my life has just begun.
I will never forget you, never stop thinking of you as my friend, my healer.
You allowed me to be this happy, to have what I want most in this world. You gave me my heart back after I thought it had been broken. You pieced it back together for me Jake.
I love you, please go home. I promise not to return. Your pack, your tribe, your family needs you Jake.
I know I hurt you, but if it helps, I hurt me more.
Please, Jake.
I love you.
Bella
Those feelings all seem so far away now. I came to realize that although I loved Bella, that love was something that I knew I could never have. She was never really mine, I was just keeping her safe, piecing her back together so she could live her life. Knowing that made it easier to move on. To let go. Bella was happy, and I knew that I at least had to try to smile again.
I knew that going home would be hard, but I had no idea that it would take me this long to find my way back to La Push. I have tried to come home for the past five years, but the shame and guilt have kept me away. For fifteen years this land was my hell, and now all I could think about was how peaceful, how heavenly it would be to return. I had called my sister in Washington about a month ago, asked how the family was, how our father was. She told me he had been hospitalized and since no one was with him to help with everyday tasks, she had moved him off the reservation and into her home. He lived with her now, and her three children. Before I could hang up the phone, Billy had grabbed the receiver. He wanted me to return, to talk to the tribe, to have the home I grew up in. He wanted me to be happy. I could hear the pain, the sadness, the joy, the excitement in his tone while he talked. He couldn't decide whether to yell, cry or welcome me back. I was overjoyed to hear his voice, to talk to him, to be able to tell him how sorry I was.
As I approached the boundary line, just outside of the reservation I couldn't help but feel nervous. I knew that I should phase, as not to surprise my fellow pack members, but I didn't know if I still could. It had been so many years since the last time I had felt the heat on my spine, the twitching and shaking of my body, the overall strength and courage I felt once in my wolf form. I stood just outside the line, and tried to focus. I phased immediately, just like I had never stopped. I felt the heat start to rise throughout my body, the tingling from the base of my spin to the top of my neck, my hands and arms began to shake uncontrollably. I felt the need to run, but this time I knew where I was going, where I wanted to end up; home.
"Hey, that was mine! I'm going to tell Dad! Give it back!" I could hear the screams and laughter of the children on the reserve. The wind was carrying their voices through the forest where I was standing, or rather hiding. I was just waiting for someone in the pack to phase, to realize that they were not alone. To see that I was here, waiting for them. I didn't have to wait long, in a matter of minutes I could hear the thoughts of someone, Quil. We had been best friends growing up, and then later, we were pack brothers. We went and did everything together, he was my brother.
"She thinks we need a new car? I'm faster than any car that we can buy. Maybe we should look at that van? I know I can afford it, but will we use it… Where are those damn kids? Suddenly, his thoughts were quiet. I could sense that he was agitated. He knew he was not alone. Who's there? Is someone there? Sam? Paul? Embry?" He had found me out. There was no turning back now. Quil could sense that I was here.
"Quil, it's me Jacob." I sent the thought out to him. To my surprise, he seemed angry, not at all happy to hear me.
"Jacob? Jacob who? Wait!? Jacob Black? What the hell are you doing? Where the hell have you been? Have you talked to Billy? Your sisters? Sam? Does Sam know your phasing again? Do you realize how long we looked for you? What you did to everyone?" His thoughts were coming at me as fast as bullets. I couldn't answer any of them, as soon as I tried, he thought another, and another. I phased back.
"Hi Quil. How are you?" I asked trying to control the emotions that overwhelmed me. I couldn't see him just yet, but I knew he could hear me. "No one knows I am here yet. I spoke with Billy and the rest of the family not so long ago." Just a few answers was all I could manage at this point.
Suddenly, Quil appeared from amongst the trees. He was wearing cut-off sweat pants like the ones I used to carry with me. He hadn't aged much, he still could pass for a man in his early twenties. We were both close to fourty by this point, but neither of us looked over twenty-five. I used to hate the idea of not aging properly, but as I grew in age, I didn't seem to hate it as much.
"What the hell are you doing here, Jacob?" He snarled at me. I suddenly felt like my presence in La Push would not be one with open arms welcoming me back, but he caught me by surprise when he started running, full speed at me. Opened arms, smile appearing on his face as he drew nearer. "We have been waiting for nearly twenty years for you to come home. What took you so long man?" Quil had me in a tight bear hug. For anyone else, any non-ware wolf, this embrace would no doubtingly have broken some bones.
"It's good to see you too man. It's been awhile, I'm sorry about that." I said as he released me.
"Your back now, that's all that matters. You are back, right? Oh hell, even if it is only for a visit… Hey, let's go and find the others. I am sure they are going to be surprised. Maybe you should phase back, I'll tell them I found a stray while doing patrols. Or we could get you a collar and name plate, you could be the pack mascot or something." Quil hadn't change, he was still trying to make me smile, which I uncontrollably did. I chuckled at the fact that he was still the same old Quil, same happy-go-lucky guy that took nothing too seriously, even the mysterious reappearance of one of his pack brothers nearly twenty years later. It was good to have a reception like this, for I knew the other members were not going to be so kind, especially Sam.
As we walked through the bush, I noticed that there were many children, all of different ages running around the rim of the forest. They were yelling, laughing and chasing one another. Two little boys were on all fours, pretending to be what looked like wolves. They were snarling and barking at one another. I smiled to myself.
"Those wolf boys over there are mine. Ethan is the one with the long shaggy hair, he just turned four last week. The one barking at him, well that's Mathew, he's three." He said while pointing and rolling his eyes at the kids. "Claire doesn't think it's a good idea to let them pretend being wolves, but I think it's funny. And it's good practice, you never know, eh? Don't they look scary?" He said as he eyed me and chuckled.
"Claire? You and Claire have kids? YOU have kids?!" I said astonished. I had forgotten how much time had passed, how much he had grown up. Quil was a father, and a husband, now that was scarier than any bloodsucker I have ever encountered. I punched him in the arm and smiled. "Congrats man. Sorry I wasn't here before. I missed a lot it seems."
"Like I said, you're here now." He said as we reached the little log cabin just outside the forests edge. We were here, Sam's house. I could see someone moving inside. It was Emily, Sam's wife. She had been like a mother to all of us, me especially. Cooking dinner, cleaning up after us, offering a couch or floor when we were too tired or in too much trouble to return to our own homes. She never once turned us away, and yet I walked out of her life without even a seconds thought. As we stepped through the doorway, Quil ahead of me, Emily spun around. Quil stepped to the side and allowed me to enter the rest of the way into the house by myself. I hung my head low, but still managed to meet her gaze that was now locked on me. "Hello Emily. It's been awhile, how are you?" I said. Shame and guilt radiated throughout every word.
"Jacob?! Oh my, Jake. Welcome home!" She darted towards me then stopped just inches away from my face. I grabbed her gently and gave her a hug. I knew she wanted too, but was afraid of how I would react, so I took the first step. She was pleased, she reciprocated by wrapping her small delicate arms around me, leaning her head on my chest and started to cry. "Oh, Jake. We were all so worried about you. I've missed you. My cupboards and fridge were always so full!" She said as she chuckled and released me.
"Sam will be back any minute. He just went to drop off our daughter at the airport. She is returning to school for the fall." She said as the pride in her daughter shone through her eyes. "Sam is going to be so surprised! Have you talked to your father? I know he will want to hear from you." She said, leading me into the kitchen. I sat at one of the mix matched chairs against the wall. The cabin's kitchen had been extended, there was now a long rectangular table where the small round one use to sit. Instead of the normal six chairs, it looked like there were now close to fifteen. I wondered how many children Sam and Emily had.
Emily was busying herself in the kitchen, grabbing things from the cupboards and the fridge. Quil had taken a seat opposite me, smiling at Emily as she started to make lunch. "I better get going, Claire and I have to take the boys into town to do some back to school shopping. It was great to see you Jake. You should stop by, I'm staying at my parent's old place. I bought the land and house when they retired." Quil started as he stood up and made his way across the kitchen, through the living room and to the front door.
"I will. Thanks Quil. Say hello to Claire for me. I can't wait to meet her. The kids too." I added as he walked out the door.
"Jake, are you hungry? It's not much, but you must be hungry. You are, or were, always hungry." She stumbled.
"Some things never change Emily. I am still always hungry. But don't allow me to impose." I said with a smile.
"Don't be silly. How many sandwiches? Two? Three?" She asked as she took the bread out of the breadbox on the counter.
I nodded still smiling at her as she started working.
Just then I heard the slamming of a car door. It was located right outside the kitchen window. I could see Sam, a older Sam, but still Sam right outside. I started to shift in my seat. I didn't know whether or not I should get up, or I should stay put. I hadn't been this scared since, well, I don't think I have ever been this scared.
"Everything will be okay Jake." Emily could sense that I was nervous. She smiled at me as she approached the table, sandwiches in hand. She patted my shoulder with her free hand. It should have been reassuring, but it only made me jump. I could see the smirk in her eyes, but her mouth held the not so perfect line perfectly still.
"Em? I'm here, Anna's plane was early so I .." Sam stopped mid-sentence when he saw me sitting in his kitchen. He looked dumbfounded, I had definitely taken him by surprise. Probably not the best thing to do to the alpha male of a ware wolf pack. "What are you doing here?" Sam glared at me. I immediately felt the tension in the air. Was he going to attack? Was he angry at me for not obeying all those orders he had given me to return so many years ago? Was he holding a grudge? I started to get up but he was at my side and pushed my shoulder down to keep me seated.
"Jacob, what are you doing here? Do you realize how long, how hard we all were looking for you? We haven't hear from you in ten years Jake. What the hell are you doing here now?" He asked. Anger and sadness flooded his face. In that instant I could see the repercussions of my actions. The hurt and pain I had caused leaving my family and friends. I knew I hurt them, but it wasn't until I looked into Sam's eyes that I realized the extent to which I had.
"I thought it was about time for me to return home. I know it's been awhile.." I started but Sam cut me off.
"Awhile Jake?! Awhile!? It's been nearly twenty years since you stepped foot on the reservation Jake! No phone calls, no letters, nothing. You disappeared. When we couldn't sense you anymore, we thought you were dead!" Sam was yelling now. He still had his hand placed on my shoulder, I knew if I shrugged him off I would be asking for a fight. I kept in my seat, head down, eyes averted to the window in front of me. This was the first time I had heard Sam yell. He was usually so mild tempered. Calm and assertive, that's how I would of described him, but today, in this instant, he was neither.
"I know. I'm sorry. I don't have anything to say, I'm just sorry." I said. There was no reason to explain everything now. I knew that if I tried, I would not be able to get it out properly. My nerves and grief would make me stumble, make me jumble my words. I knew Sam would understand that. Besides, it would be easier to explain everything in my other form. I knew he would know everything eventually, the pack always did. When I had first phased, having the pack know every little secret, every desire, every little thought was frustrating but now it just might make things easier. Everyone would understand why I had to leave, what kept me away for so long, and why I was returning now without me having to speak a word. It was a sense of relief that I knew I didn't deserve.
"Sam, please, let him eat. You can interrogate him after he's finished." Emily was now standing next to Sam, hand on is chest, the other grabbing at his arm that was securing me to my seat. Emily looked up into Sam's eyes, smiled and willed his arm away from me with just one look.
"I'm sorry Jake. It's just, well.. It's been so long." He finally spat out. He managed to keep his voice under control, but I could tell it took some effort. I would have to thank Emily later. For I knew the only reason he didn't attack me; verbally or physically right then and there was because of her. He took a seat opposite me, the one Quil was in just moments ago and then grabbed a sandwich off my plate and took a huge bite. "Some things never change, eh Jake. Still eating me out of a house and home." His lips curled up on the sides as he chewed, his eyes still glued on me.
I spent the afternoon running errands with Sam. He insisted I keep him company as he went into town, saying that Emily was busy preparing for tonight's bonfire and that he would enjoy the company. I knew better though, I knew the only reason for his invite was so that he could keep an eye on me, make sure I didn't run off again. I didn't mind, I had missed Sam, and spending time with him was something that I had looked forward too for awhile now.
As we pulled into La Push's only grocery store, Sam started to fidget. I could tell he wanted to ask me something, but was unsure of either how he should phrase it or if he should even ask at all.
"It's okay, what do you want to know?" I asked, giving him an easy opportunity to unload a couple of his questions I knew he had brewing in his mind.
Sam looked at me, a smile pulling at his cheeks. He looked nervous, almost uncomfortable. This is going to be bad. I thought as I shifted myself to face him.
"Well, I was just wondering Jake. How your doing? I mean, it's been so long.." He started. I knew what he wanted to ask, but he just couldn't find the right words. I tried to help him as much as I could.
"I figured out along time ago that she and I would, could never be. I loved her, in a way I always will, but I understand that I wasn't meant to be with her. I was there to help her, to be her friend, nothing more." I tried to find the right words myself. I knew I had to try to explain, and I knew that even if I didn't find the exact words to express myself, Sam of all people, would understand. "After I realized that, it made it much harder to come back. I felt ashamed that I had made a mess of everything. The longer I stayed away, the harder it was to come back."
"This is your home Jake." Sam was getting out of the truck now, but he stopped just before he closed the door. He was staring at me, making sure that his eyes were locked on mine. "Never let anything keep you away from here for that long again." It sounded more like a plea than a command, but I knew that he had meant it to be more of an order. I didn't know if I could keep that promise, so managed a nod instead.
By the time we arrived back on the reservation, the sun was beginning to set. I helped unload the groceries from Sam's truck and then decided it was time to make my way back home.