I hadn't seen him in what felt like years, but it was only a matter of moments. There he was, crouching by a rose bush in my courtyard, a place we had frequently gone to converse about my time as a fierce runaway apostate and his days as a lyrium branded slave. He gently caressed the petals of a deep cerise rose, carefully as if his long fingers were made of steel.
The last I'd seen him, he had escaped my comforting embrace, wrestling my body off him, though everything inside of him was begging to hold me tighter. He resisted his emotions, as he always did, and ran to Maker knows where.
"Fenris ?" I called.
"Beautiful." He whispered, not taring his gaze from the blossoming bud. I inched closer to him slowly until I was standing next to him, towering over his crouching body.
"But why would something so beautiful die?" He spoke as he smoothly plucked the rose from the bush, slothfully wrapped his black-gloved, slender fingers around it, and crushed it harshly in his palm.
Unknowingly, I placed my hand on his shoulder, his leather armour rough felt against my skin.
He sighed, but did not pull away. He turned to look at me, sorrowful eyes pouring their ogle into my questioning gaze. His face was wan and his chin quivered.
"I sense I've never told you about the girl I used to know when I was residing with the rebels." He said, voice deep and quiet. I shook my head. "Her name was Demelza. She was the rebel leader's secondhand. Truthfully, you almost remind me of her. The way she swung her weapon with confidence, like no one ever needed to reassure her that she was the stronger opponent. She had these.."he paused, recollecting a memory that I could see was painful for him to remember. "These eyes. Dark, but full of fire. Like the ocean on the calmest of nights with the tinted moon reflecting off the waves."
"Did you love here?" I asked before I could hold my stubborn tongue.
Fenris looked away. His white-silver hair spilled down into his face. He arose and stood with his back towards me. After drawing in a deep breath, he spoke, his voice breaking. "I supposed I did. But it doesn't matter." He ran his fingers through his hair. "I killed her."
I gulped hard, remembering the night we sat in Danarius' old mansion drinking the last bottle of the fine obrigio. He told me of his time with the rebels and how Danarius had ordered him to kill them all. There was no ounce of pain in his voice as he told me, not like there is now.
"I remember the look those eyes gave me when I drove my blade straight through her heart. Every spark from them disappeared as I took her life."
"Why all this now?" I asked with pity thick in my voice.
Slowly, he turned his head to face me. His eyes dropped as he ran yet another hand through his hair. "The way you look at me. The way you held me. Hawke..." For once, Fenris was at a loss for words.
"I'm sorry," was all I could think to say.
Abruptly, he whipped his body around to face me, took my shoulders in his hands, cloth and skin pinching in his fingers as his grip tightened. I stifled a gasp. "You have no right to be so beautiful! So intriguing! Hawke, if anything bad happened to you, I would be the damned one at fault!"
I let out a shuddered moan as his fingers tightened around my upper arms, surely leaving bruises. "Fenris." I choked.
"Don't you understand the danger you're in?! You could be killed." His grip loosened and I slipped from his fingers. "I don't know how I'd be able to contain myself if that happened. He'll come for you, Hawke. Once Danarius learns of you, he'll try to get to you just to bring pain to me. It's selfish of me to put you in this situation and I can't anymore. I can't watch as you let yourself die for me!"
My hand cranked across his face, burning red on his cheek. He stood wide-eyed in shock. "How dare you underestimate me like that?" I whispered through angered sobs. "I have been fighting to survive my entire life! Fleeing templars, killing bloody darkspawn, the blighted deeproads! I'm stronger than you seem to think, Fenris! Strong enough to fight for you. Strong enough to fight with you! If that bastard Danarius comes for me, I'll be the one to take him down and I'll stand right by your side while you rip out his heart. So long as I get to keep you."
His stare pierced straight through me. "You don't understand."
"Oh, I understand abundantly!" I shouted. Grabbing the hot flesh of his cheeks in my hands, I pulled his face towards mine, molding my lips to his. At first, he resisted and tried to wriggle himself from my grasp. But longing overcame him and he placed his hands on my back, pulling my body closer to his, armour against armour, skin against skin.
He broke the kiss much earlier than I would have intended. He pressed his lips against my forehead and I breathed in his musky scent. "You have no idea what danger you're placing yourself in." He whispered against my hairline.
"Maker knows you're worth every minute of it." I replied sensually. "We smite Danarius together. You and I. Together, Fenris." And with that, he scooped me into his strong arms, the friction of the leather burned against my skin as he carried me into the mansion, through the torch-lit cobblestone hall and set me down affectionately on the satin sheets of my master bed. He placed a feather-light peck on my nose in an intimate way that I never would have expected from Fenris.
Slowly and tenderly, I reached out my hand and delicately traced his rugged features with my fingers; his elven ears, rough skin and prickly stubble, long nose sloping down to pale and surprisingly soft lips, strong and defined jaw line. Then my index finger slipped down his chin, lightly brushing his lyrium tattoos. He jerked his head back.
"I'm sorry!" I croaked.
"No, do not be." He inched his face closer to mine again, touching the tip of my nose with his. "This hate and this pain has gone on long enough." He grabbed my wrist and forced my palm against his face. I swallowed the swelling lump in my throat as I began to trace his tattoos again. My finger trailed across the brands on his neck. He squeezed his eyes tightly and clenched his teeth, obviously in pain but silently begging me to continue.
I sat up straight, shoving his body off of mine. Reaching out to his chest, I pulled off his chest plate and began to unbuckle his leather mail. When it was fully undone, I shrugged the armour off his shoulders to expose his chest. I slipped his black gloves off his boney fingers and dropped them to the floor in a pile.
The lyrium markings covered his entire torso in spiking and swirling patterns. I thought of the pain he must have gone through, having the burning lyrium branded into his flesh. Fenris could have done nothing to deserve that, no one could. Except for maybe the bastard slavers and the wicked Danarius. How I would love to burn their perfect flesh.
But now was not the time for anger or spite. Fenris stood, exposed before me, in a way I could never see him being. The tips of my battle-worn fingers gently stroked the lyrium on his toned chest. His pecks twitched under my soft touch, but his face began to relax. Nervously, I placed my hands on his sides and pulled his body toward me. I began to trace the brandings with my tongue. Fenris moaned softly, out of both pain and pleasure. Gently, I stroked the unmarked small of his back with my fingers as I kissed the last few inches of tattoo on his slender abdomen. I rested my forehead against his stomach as he stroked my cropped black spiral of hair. My hands slid down his back and to the waistband of his pants. I gently pulled them down his legs as he kicked off his spiked boots. He pulled me up by my hips so I was standing mere inches in front of him. He slipped off my robes and letting them descend to my ankles, we were both mounted in nothing but our undergarments.
"Lay down." I told him. He did so, and I climbed on top of him, hovering my body above his, placing kisses all over his neck.
My affectionate assault ended and I stared into his eyes. He sweetly stroked my bottom lip with his rough thumb. The next six words he uttered, the last six words he said before burying me in kisses, filled my body with harmonious joy.
"I love you, my beautiful Hawke."
I awoke to the sound of crackling fire. Fenris was fully dressed from spiked boots to chest plate. He was sitting on the foot of my feathery bed, glowing in the incandescent firelight.
"Fenris?" I whispered groggily, still partially asleep.
"Shh, sleep darling." He twirled a strand of my hair around his finger.
"Why are you dressed?" I asked drearily. "Come back to bed." I tugged the dragon hide sleeve of his armour as a plead.
"I have, um," he cleared his throat. "Things to take care of back at the mansion. I need to go."
My eyes shot open. "Bullshit, Fenris. Where are you going?" He simply looked away, avoiding my gaze to the best of my ability. "Fenris, where are you going?" I repeated in a much more demanding tone.
He let out a long, hefty sigh. Gradually, he arose from the bed, still not daring to look at me. "I have to find Danarius."
I sprang from the bed, completely disregarding the fact that I was fully naked. "What? I'm going with you!" I rushed to my bureau to find my dressing robes.
Fenris grabbed me by the shoulders. "No, Hawke. It's too dangerous."
"Too dangerous? Too dangerous for a Hawke? There just happens to be no such thing." I planted a swift kiss on his lips before shifting from his grasp to dress.
"You don't understand Haw-"
"Must you always patronize me?" I snapped. So early in the morning to be frustrated with the man that I had just bedded. The man that I... loved. "I do understand the danger, but I'm not a damned wildflower. I can handle myself. How many times must I repeat myself?"
"How many times must I repeat myself? I don't want you harmed on my account!" He shouted, throwing his arms into the air. "Why must you insist on being so stubborn?"
"Why must you insist on behaving like I'm made of glass?" I loudly retorted.
"Demelza died on my watch! I can't have the same thing happen with you." My chin quivered and Fenris buried his face in his hands. Seeing the vulnerable side of Fenris did two things to me; scare me and make me love him even more.
I sluggishly moved towards him, still wholly naked. I reached out my hand and let my fingertips tenderly brush his strong jaw. Fenris lowered his hands to his knees, shakily holding in his sadness. I planted a long kiss on the crown of his head, noting the softness of his finely glistening hair. I felt his strong arms pull me closer to him, wrapping them around my tiny waist securely.
"You can't go alone. They'll slaughter you, Fenris." I murmured into his skull. "I can't have you dying for me either." The tears were running down my cheeks, dropping onto his silver strands of his hair. I tried to swallow all my sorrow but the tears kept slipping from my eyes like waterfalls until I was sobbing loudly into his hair. A warrior like me never cried. I was always supposed to be the strong one; for my siblings when our father died, for my mother when Bethany was crushed by the vile darkspawn ogre, for Gamlen when my mother was murdered. Death was how I made my living, and up until now I had never felt my own mortality, or the mortality of those I loved. The possibility of losing Fenris filled me to the core with a feeling so raw and powerful that I couldn't hold it in. My heart couldn't take it. "Don't go." I whispered with a deep shudder.
He let go of my waist and pushed me away from his shaking body. I watched his expert fingers undo his armour and nonchalantly toss it into the corner of my fire lit bed chamber. He took me by the shoulders and placed a lingering kiss on my temple as the tears still spilled from my eyes and pooled onto my pillow. He then climbed over my resting body and lay next to me, pulling me tightly into his arms.
"I'll never leave you," he spoke softly into my ear. "If it means I'll never have to see your tears."
"I love you Fenris." I said as I turned to face him, nuzzling my face into his heated neck. There we lay in each others arms under the heavy fur blankets, soaking up the heat of the fire for the rest of the night.