Chakotay's intervention had made her angry but the idea of the Delta Flyer going out without the micro-fracture issues resolved was a hard slap in the face. Here she was wallowing around in a haze of whatever this was when she should have been doing her job. Protecting herself from emotional hurt might cause real hurt to others. Suddenly she cared again for Tom, for Harry, for everything. She had to be there. She needed to be there. Running down the corridor to catch up with Chakotay and being surprisingly understanding of his cool reaction to her. Of course he would think she was out to do something crazy. Of course he would throw what she was doing back at her but somehow she got through to him and he let her go.
Tom turning to look at her from the pilot's seat, his surprise and the smile on his face. She had buried her feelings for him so deep but it was just like Chakotay had said. She was trying to protect herself from the pain of losing him, of losing all of them but there was no time for self-analysis now. They were on a mission.
Then it was over. Her crazy idea of using the phaser and the EPS manifold to make a temporary force field worked. Once again she felt anger at herself. If she had worked with them like she was supposed to instead of ignoring everyone and everything she cared about their life might not have been in danger in the first place.
Later she had gone into the mess hall and tried the banana pancakes again on a whim to see what would happen. The few happy memories from a mostly unhappy childhood rushed back and the smile was automatic but after a few more bites she remembered Neelix, sitting there hoping to bring a bit of joy to her life and how had she reacted? She might as well have thrown them on the floor. Who else had she hurt because she couldn't deal with her feelings like an adult? Why couldn't she have seen that she was hurting people? Why hadn't she cared? If Chakotay hadn't dragged her to the holodeck and made her face everything would the Flyer have gone off without her and would she have cared if it had blown up in space? She was chilled by her own thoughts and felt the desire to retreat again. This time she was interrupted by the chirp of her combadge.
Captain Janeway had called her to her office. It was time to face the music. There was no way around it. She had broken so many rules that there was no way she could escape without any kind of punishment and then she had to face Tom. Sure he was happy to see her when she showed up on the Flyer but there was so much more that needed to be said. He would have questions and she knew she could only repeat what she had said to Chakotay. I don't know!
She walked inside the shifting doors and was surprised to see the Doctor.
"Captain." she said.
The Captain smiled at her. There was no hint of anger on her face, no signs of oncoming discipline.
"I've asked the Doctor to be here because he is bound by Doctor/patient confidentiality. I need your permission before he can tell me about his diagnosis and the best course of treatment for you."
'My diagnosis?" B'Elanna asked. "Treatment? It's simple. I couldn't handle my feelings, didn't want to ask for help and neglected my duties….
"Lieutenant, I must tell you that your condition is a bit more complicated than that. "The Doctor said. "It would help if the Captain knew the details"
"Sure. Go ahead." B'Elanna sighed. She expected to hear a litany of everything she had done wrong over the past few months. All the rules she had broken, all the insane things she had done. What had she been thinking?
He did not do that. Instead he gave one of his long winded technical speeches which involved a long dissertation on brain chemistry. Captain Janeway listened intently.
"So I have a course of treatment for her. I suggest a change of routine for a while, a weekly shot of…"
"I don't understand. Treatment? Captain...shouldn't you be throwing me in the brig or something?'
"For what B'Elanna? For being ill? Your recent behavior...your rash acts. They were symptoms. You weren't being deliberately disobedient. Had you not been suffering from this depression we know you would not have behaved this way. Why should I punish you for something that was beyond your control?"
"I thought I was controlling it. I thought…"
"Your brain was not functioning properly. No doubt what you were doing seemed perfectly reasonable at the time." The Doctor said.
She sat there silently for a few moments.
"It seems as if you have it all figured out." She said. She looked at both of them and felt something...gratitude perhaps? Whatever it was it was something completely unexpected. She didn't deserve all this understanding.
'I'll do whatever you suggest." She said quietly. The Doctor smiled obviously quite pleased with himself and the Captain had that 'mother' look on her face that came automatically when she was dealing with personal issues of her crew.
"Now how do I tell Tom about all this?" She asked. "I need to go apologize…"
"There is really no need to apologize." The Doctor said. "Explain it of course but if anything Mr. Paris will probably try to apologize to you."
"To me?"
"For not recognizing that something was wrong He will no doubt make declarations about how he 'should' have known even though you were quite successful in hiding your illness from everyone."
"He did know something was wrong." The Captain said. "He just didn't know where it came from or what to do about it. No doubt he thought something was wrong in your relationship."
"If you like I can talk to him, explain the finer details of the condition in a way that I'm sure that even Mr. Paris can understand." The Doctor said. B'Elanna smiled in spite of herself at the Doctor's familiar dig at Tom.
"Maybe later, after I've talked to him first." she said.
'Just let me know." With those words he removed himself back to sickbay.
The Captain dismissed her and she went back to her quarters. She changed her clothes and sat on the couch thinking back on what the Doctor and The Captain had just said to her. Everything she dreaded, every awful thing that she was sure would happen did not happen. They showed her nothing but kindness. Why had she felt it so necessary to hide everything from them when in reality their compassion overwhelmed her. Why hadn't she trusted them more?
She started rehearsing her words to Tom in her mind. Maybe she would start with the massacre. Massacre. What a terrible word. She sat up and stared at the floor. Why had Chakotay forced her to look at that? She tentatively reached into the dark corners of her mind not knowing what it was she was looking for. Imaginings of what her friends had suffered? Sorrow for their loss...anger. Small bits of myriad feelings were uncovered. Emotional twinges of something that was close to pain. Her com badge beeped.
'B'Elanna? Just wanting to know if I could come over and see you this evening?" It was Tom.
"Yes. Sure." she said. She went over all the things she wanted to say over and over but nothing felt right. There was no right way to begin this conversation. There was no way she could say the words to help him understand something she couldn't understand herself. Her memories went back to the days before when they talked of designing the new shuttle that would become the Delta Flyer. It was their dream. Something they could finally share and she wasn't there for him and she missed having that experience with him. She had pulled away from him and left it to others to take over what she should have done. He would be angry. He would demand to know why she felt she couldn't share this with him. He might even break up with her. What would she do if it was the other way around?
After a few minutes he was there at her door.
"Can I...come it?" he asked. She had missed hearing the rhythmic flow of his voice.
"Yes. Yes of course." He entered the room and sat down on the chair opposite of her. She wasn't sure what she expected of him.
"Thank you for coming with us today. You saved our lives." He said. His voice was very quiet and he searched her eyes for a moment.
"Yes." She said. She reached down deep to find a way to begin but the words would not come.
He was silent for a moment and then got up.
"That's all I came here to say." he said.
"Tom, you just got here!" She said.
He stopped halfway to the door but did not turn around.
"B'Elanna it's obvious that you don't care for my company anymore. I don't know why but I'm not going to push myself in where I'm not wanted. I'm not saying that to guilt you….but I've accepted that's how it is. So good night…" he said
"Tom wait.' Once again he stopped but this time he turned around.
'You haven't done anything wrong." It was important that those words were out there.
He simply stared at her.
"So it's the old 'it's not you it's me' speech."
"Tom shut up." She felt anger rise up inside her but this was familiar. This was the frustration she reserved for Tom alone when he simply did not 'get' something. Suddenly she laughed.
His head shot back and his eyes widened.
"That's a sound I haven't heard for a long time."
"I know. There was a reason for that. Please sit down and I'll explain it." She said. Tom looked at her warily but once again took his place in the chair.
"First of all this is not a break up speech. I don't want to break up with you. I still love you. I know I haven't acted like it but..." She said. Tom let out a long exaggerated breath of air but said nothing.
"And second, no guilt. No blame. No apologies. From me or you but I have to get through this….and it's hard. Probably one of the hardest things I've got to do but here goes…you remember the first data stream from earth and how I found out about what happened to the Maquis?"
"Yes. I know you lost a lot of people you were close to." He reached out and took her hand.
Suddenly she saw them. All of them. She remembered the hardships that brought them closer, their passion for their cause and the moments of levity in the midst of their struggle. They were the first real family she had. Tears filled her eyes and she couldn't speak. In a flash Tom was beside her, holding her as she sobbed on his shoulder.
"I think I know where this is going." he said. His voice was soft. "You don't have to say anything more right now if you don't want to. We have time. Take your time. I'm not going anywhere."
After she had shut him out and abandoned their dream he responded by holding her, looking for understanding. He didn't care that she had pulled away. He didn't care about the Shuttle. How could he do that? Why didn't she go to him in the first place and share all of this? He would have understood. He would have held her then just like he was now. Even if he couldn't have helped her himself he would have done what he could to make her burden easier. More tears and not all of them were tears of mourning. It would take time. An overly eventful day would not cure it. A change of scenery, a break in the routine, visits with the Doctor, Tom's understanding...it would all help but it wasn't a thing she could simply walk away from. She knew she had a difficult journey ahead of her.
She let the tears flow freely and came to a realization. Chakotay's intervention, the need to save her friends, the kindness of the Captain and the Doctor and now being here with Tom. Nothing could replace her first family but she was fortunate to have been given a second chance. Chakotay was right. She had a new family now who cared about her and she resolved to hold onto them as hard as she could and never push them away again.