CHAPTER 1

"People who put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving should be horsewhipped." Almost every picture window along Richmond Street had fully decorated Christmas trees proudly on display despite it being late Thanksgiving morning. It irked me beyond belief, but then again, most things did lately.

Matthew and I had just celebrated our two year anniversary a little over a month ago and for the last year, we had been trying to get pregnant with no luck. We had both been run through a battery of tests and everything had checked out okay, but for some inexplicable reason I was not pregnant yet and we had been trying for over a year. It wasn't for lack of effort either. We had been like two jack rabbits up until about two months ago when it all became a little too clinical. Under the advice of my OB/GYN doctor, I had been keeping an ovulation chart complete with my cycles, expected onset of menstruation, temperatures….everything except the phases of the goddamn moon were on it. I was even getting weekly hormone shots. Still, I remained impregnable and our seemingly barren and sterile state was beginning to take its toll on both of us.

"That's a little harsh, don't you think pumpkin?" We had picked up my father on the way back from getting the heavy cream I had forgotten a couple of days ago when I did the Thanksgiving grocery shopping.

"It's the hormones, Jim. They make her grumpy sometimes."

"They do not, goddammit! And don't talk about me as if I weren't here, Matt. It pisses me off." Ok, so maybe I was a little grumpy but he didn't have to sound so damn condescending.

"Everything pisses you off lately." Matt's voice was low and barely audible, probably for the sake of my father sitting in the back seat, but I heard him loud and clear. I shot him a look that I'm sure withered his balls like two prunes, which I knew wouldn't help. It was the principle of it that counted. We pulled into the driveway and the car hadn't come to a complete stop when I opened the passenger door and bolted out before I said something I would later regret.

By the time Matt and my father walked into the kitchen, I had already tied my apron and had the cream in the mixer, ready to be whipped. Matt said nothing as he took off his coat and slung it over one of the kitchen chairs before grabbing himself a beer from the refrigerator.

"Jesus, Matt...it's not even noon yet."

"I know what time it is, Maddy." He twisted off the cap and took a big swig from the bottle as he walked into the dining room. That pretty much summed up how our relationship had been going for the past few weeks. I had been working late trying to get the budget for the department done and Matt had been picking up extra shifts. We barely saw each other and when we did, we either sat together in silence or spoke the bare minimum. Even our sex life had become a mechanical dance of charts, positioning, beakers and turkey basters. We only did it when the timing was right and all the tumblers in the cosmos clicked in the right order. In short, we fucked only when it was clinically correct. This was not how I pictured us two years into marriage. We had been the perfect goddamn couple up until now. I felt tears welling up in my eyes, so I drew a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself down.

"Don't worry, baby girl. It'll happen when you least expect it. You just have to relax and have faith that God will take care of things." I felt my father's arm slide around my back as he spoke. He placed a soft reassuring kiss on my temple.

"OK, Daddy." I managed a smile, but with tears in my eyes. He gave me a kiss on the forehead before grabbing himself a beer, too and I knew immediately that I was fighting a losing battle...and for nothing more than wanting to make Matt feel as bad as I did about this situation. As the cream was being whipped, I basted the turkey, chopped the pecans for the sweet potato casserole, prepped the green beans and put the appetizers in the oven. As long as I was kept busy, I wouldn't think about things too much so I put my head down and went full force into my cooking.

"When's chow?" Em's dulcet tone cut through my cooking coma like a hot knife through butter.

Jesus, you scared the crap out of me."

"That's because you're always in another world lately, Mads."

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Start with me." I did not feel like talking about this for the 900th time this week. Em raised up her hands in surrender just as Kelly walked into the kitchen.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Mads." He gave Em an odd look as she stood there with her hands still in the air, like she was being held up by some invisible mugger. He gave me a big hug that lifted me up off the floor a couple of inches.

"How're doin'?" Between Em's loose lips and Matt's sullen demeanor over the past couple of weeks, he knew exactly what was happening.

"I'm good."

"Liar." I pulled out of his hug and shut the mixer off, then scraped out the mounds of whipped cream onto the French Silk pie that had been chilling in the refrigerator.

"Dinner's at 3:00 PM and the appetizers will be out in about fifteen minutes. Grab a drink and make yourself comfortable. I'll be out soon." I had become very adept at changing the subject. While I finished up the appetizers, I could hear the four of them laughing and talking in the living room as if nothing in the world was wrong and I resented them for it. Especially Matt. He was all smiles and laughter when company was around, but when it was just us he spoke the bare minimum. I plated up the appetizers then made a beeline to the refrigerator and poured myself a large glass of white wine. I put everything on a serving tray and carried it into the living room.

"Food!" Em took at least four cocktail weiners in puff pastry and six mini quiches before I had time to set the platter down on the table. I took my glass of wine and sat at the end of the sofa opposite Matt. I tipped the glass up to my lips and happily swallowed down the first substantial serving of wine I had had in months.

"Didn't Dr. McAdams say that you should stay away from alcohol right now?"

"Dr. McAdams has said a lot of things, none of which have worked, I might add."

"So you're just going to throw caution to the wind from here on out?"

"No, Matthew...that's not it."

"Let her have a few ounces of chardonnay, Casey. It's Thanksgiving, for Christ's sake!" Em's mouth was full but she still managed to pipe in. I watched as Kelly gently grabbed her arm, pulling her away to sit with him. It was also his way of gently telling her to be quiet.

"A few sips can't hurt, can it?"

"No Daddy, it can't." I knocked back the last swallow and set the empty glass on the coffee table in a personal triumph.

"At least eat something so she won't keep yelling at you for losing weight." Matt handed me a plate with mini quiche and a few baby carrots with ranch dressing. I had lost my appetite over the past few weeks, mainly due to the situation between us. I lost 4 lbs. at the last office visit and she reamed me a new asshole for it.

"I'm not one of your guys on truck. You have no jurisdiction here, Lieutenant."

"The hell I don't. Eat." His tone was stern, but I thought I detected a note of concern in his voice, too. I took the plate from his hand and reluctantly started to munch on a few of the carrots. To my surprise, it actually tasted pretty good to me. Before I knew it, I had cleaned my plate.

"Good girl. Do you want any more?" Matt was actually smiling a little. I hadn't seen that smile in weeks.

"No. I want to save room for dinner. Speaking of which, I'd better get my ass out to the kitchen to finish it." Em called after me to holler for her if I needed help. Yeah, like that would ever happen. I loved her, but she wasn't the most ambitious person I had ever met. I took the turkey out of the oven to let it rest and finished setting the dining room table while the four of them continued to drink and talk. I watched them, feeling envious that I wasn't a part of it, but my mood lately wasn't the best for company. I am the first to admit that. As much as Matt was being a pill lately, I was doing my best to be a moody, disagreeable cow.

I whirled around the kitchen for the next hour like a blonde tornado...whipping potatoes, making gravy, unmolding the cranberry salad, baking buttermilk biscuits and every little odd and end to get dinner ready. Once everything else had been served, Matthew helped me get the turkey on the serving platter so I could carry it out to the table.

"Just like that Norman Rockwell painting." said Matt.

"Except I'm not a fat old lady with grey hair and glasses."

"That's not what I meant, Maddy." I took a deep breath in an attempt to stifle the sarcastic remark that was hanging in my throat. Matt picked up the large carving knife and fork and started slicing up the turkey. Once an ample supply of the succulent bird had been plated on the serving platter, we all sat down and began to eat dinner. The atmosphere was relaxed and happy, with pleasant conversations, laughing and compliments about the food. Then it happened.

"The year is almost over now and since this is Thanksgiving, I'd like to hear what you're all thankful for. I'll start….I'm thankful for the friends around this table and my beautiful daughter and her husband, who take such good care of me." My father, the traditionalist.

"That's sweet, Daddy."

"What about you, pumpkin? What are you thankful for?" I took a few swallows of wine before trying to form my thoughts into a cohesive structure that everyone could understand. For the last several months, they had had been flying around my head like those monkeys in the Wizard of Oz movie.

"I'm thankful for being able to have the four people that I love the most here together today and in my life everyday."

"What about you, Em?"

"Me? I'm thankful for all of you, my PF Fliers, my Spongebob lounge pants and this fabulous food."

"Kelly?"

"I'm thankful for Bruiser here coming into my life...and the rest of you, of course. Thankful that I work in the best firehouse in Chicago with the best brothers a guy could ask for."

"Oh Christ! I'm thankful for Severide, too. My bad."

"OK, Em. It's your turn, Matt."

"I'm thankful I didn't put the Christmas lights up yesterday."

As soon as the words had left his mouth, I dropped my silverware, pushed my chair out from the dining room table and stormed through the kitchen and out to the back porch, angry with myself for crying again. I stood looking out into the back yard, wiping my eyes with a crumpled paper towel I had found in my apron pocket. Goddamn him for his smug attitude. Goddamn him for making light of any of this. Just as I had calmed myself down, I heard the door open behind me. I turned around fully expecting to see Em or my father. Instead, I saw my husband.

"What? Did Em threaten you to shag your ass out here or she'd castrate you?"

"No, Maddy...she didn't. No one has to threaten me to comfort my wife."

"Oh that's rich, Matthew...especially since we've barely spoken to each other in the last few weeks and when we do speak, it's not exactly comforting." I wiped more tears off my cheeks as I spoke. Tears that I had been choking back for the better part of the last year.

"That's because I don't know what to say, Maddy. It's difficult for me."

"Do you think this is a carnival ride for me, Matthew? I'm the one that keeps letting us down every month. I know that...and I also know that's the reason you're pulling away from me."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Come on, Matt. Give me more credit than that. I know you're disappointed that you married me now. I can't have children...you want children, so go. Go find someone that can give you all the babies you want. I release you from your obligation. There. Now you have something else you can be thankful for." Matt's face was a picture of frustration, confusion and anger. He gripped my arms tightly and looked directly into my eyes as he spoke.

"Jesus Christ, Maddy. Is that what you think our marriage is….an obligation that can be voided by not being able to have a baby? Don't you get it? If you can't have kids, I can't have kids. That's how two people in a committed relationship do things. Besides, I haven't exactly been the picture of virility in all of this. It's just as much my fault."

He was actually yelling at me. Yelling...loudly...and with the pent up frustration that both of us had been feeling all these months. It was at that moment that I realized that he hadn't been pulling away because of my failure. He was pulling away because of what he felt was his own failure. Failure, not only to get me pregnant, but also his failure to talk about his feelings or how this was affecting us. His eyes were brimming with tears now and I instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck, shedding my own tears.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm mad at myself for letting it go this far. I have loved you for almost my entire life. I am not about to walk away from you, no matter how hard you push because I know that you love me, too."

"I do, Matthew...so much."

'OK, then. Let's start over and look at this with fresh eyes and that unbreakable bond we share. We've come through worse than this. We can do it again."

"I want to take a leave of absence from work, Matt. I want time to concentrate on just us getting pregnant. No distractions. No stress. You and me, for just a couple of months. I have benefit time that I can use. Can we manage that? Financially, I mean?"

"We'll be fine, baby. You do whatever you need to, OK?" I placed my mouth on his for what seemed like the first time in weeks. His body immediately responded to me, splaying his hands across my back and pulling me in closer. His mouth ravaged mine with the passion I thought we had lost. I had been wrong to think that our life together was over. In truth, it had only just begun.