Summary: Sometimes we fall multiple times before rising and getting it right.
Pairing: Edward and Senna
Rating: M
Word Count: 5595
Disclaimer: Twilight and its inclusive material is copyright to Stephenie Meyer. Original creation, including but not limited to plot and characters, is copyright to the respective authors of each story. No copyright infringement is intended.
Then and Now
"Our glory is not in falling but in rising every time we fall.'' Confucius
Portland
Now- August 2010
Edward was enjoying the hot water of the shower as it beat down on his back. He needed this after the day he had at work. He would have to do what he failed to do three other times, stay clean and keep this job. He heard the shower door open and didn't bother to turn around. He decided to focus on the soap in his hand and the washcloth. The shower would be a new way to torture him.
"Don't turn around."
He expected her hands on him. He wanted anything she would do to him. Back when she loved him, they went into the shower together laughing. They couldn't stop touching each other. His memories of every touch they shared now mocked him.
He would turn on the water and call out, "I'm not going in without you."
It worked every time. In those early days, he would start by touching her arms once they were both under the water. As his hands moved up her arms, he would pull her in closer and kiss her deeply. He couldn't get enough. She would rub herself against him, up and down slowly with small movements. His body loved it, and it made him crazed. When he couldn't take it anymore, he would stop her, and she would laugh. She knew exactly what she was doing. He would kiss her even harder and maneuver them both to the wall of the shower. He would lift her just enough so she could fit level with his penis. He would grab a leg, move it over a little, and start rubbing himself between her legs without entering her. It was masturbation on steroids. It drove them both over the edge. They would stumble out of the shower and end up on the floor where he would enter her. He would pound into her without mercy. He loved watching her come. He always managed to hang on just long enough so she could come first. He loved watching what he did to her and looking down at their joined bodies. They seldom made it as far as the bed after coming out of the shower.
He was so focused on the past memories, he didn't hear her talking. She plucked his ear, then he heard, "give me the wash cloth, and I'll wash your back." He handed the soapy cloth back to her. She washed his back and ass. Her way of saying, I'm cleaning your ass up once again.
When she was done, she would leave the shower without a word. Most days, she wasn't this nice to him. She wanted him gone… out of her life. It hurt him, but he hurt her even more.
As she explained to him, "Betrayal is what you did to me. You didn't even bother to give a shit about me. Thanks for the shitty wedding invite, by the way."
It had been a long time since they had been together as anything, including lovers. He remembered the last time he touched her intimately. It had been one of the few times he wasn't so drunk or high that he could perform. Back then, she believed in him, and wanted him to be a better person and beat down his demons.
"I've come to learn as an adult that love is a hell of a drug. It's one of the most dangerous things that human beings can have. It's also one of the most beautiful things that human beings can possess because love, on the one hand, gives you the ability to care for a human being sometimes more than you would care for yourself. Love, unfortunately, sometimes gives you the ability to forgive somebody and blind yourself to the truth." Trevor Noah
Then- April 2010
Alice Cullen Hunter was at her wit's end concerning her brother Edward Cullen. He had relapsed for the fourth time in ten years. He made one request of her, and now she had to go see the woman both she and Edward betrayed. Ten years earlier, she forced Senna to make a deal to save her brother's life and now karma was making her pay. Alice was convinced the reason Edward had drinking and having drug problems was Senna. She even convinced her parents it had to be Senna's fault.
When Senna finally approached Alice, and her parents Carlisle and Esme concerning Edward ten years earlier, she was told they would help Edward only if she agreed to leave him. So, Senna dropped Edward off at the clinic. After getting clean, Edward didn't bother to look for Senna or ask why she never visited him. She was still at her job and in school, but Edward decided not to see her again. Edward told himself a clean break was best for the both of them. Of course, he didn't bother to share this with Senna, who never talked about her agreement to get him clean before dropping him off that fateful day.
Theodore Nelson Masters knew all about Alice and her history with his daughter in law. Alice approached him the week before at the University Club of Portland. The back table had Theodore "Theo" Masters holding court while holding his grandson, Nicholas Aiden Masters. After entering the club, Alice approached the hostess about the section where Theo Masters was located. The hostess, Jeannie knew her, but the Masters family was a different matter. She called her boss over.
Alice had to plead with the manager, Mr. Roberts, "It's urgent I see Theodore Masters." Her voice sounded weary, so the manager relented. He knew the Cullen family had an Edward Cullen problem again. His drug use was known to a few select people, and he happened to be one of the people who knew second hand. He knew last year, Isabella 'Bella' Cullen left their marriage and was now expecting a baby with Alice's ex-husband, Peter. Alice quietly remarried, he knew that too. Carlisle and Esme Cullen were currently living overseas in London. Two medical doctors with an addicted son they couldn't get to kick drugs was very sad to Mr. Roberts.
The Masters family now had more security after the murder of Senna's husband, Theodore Nicholas Masters who had always been called Teddy.
Alice approached the ultra-private section of the club, escorted by the floor manager. He signaled Alice to stop. He walked up to one of the men standing in casual clothes near a corner wall. Alice had no idea what was said to him, and Alice had no idea he was security. He looked like all of the other workers. The man signaled a woman who walked over and said with an Israeli accent, "Slowly open your bag, and remove your sweater." Alice was glad she wore a simple outfit today of pants, shirt, and a sweater.
Alice did both without question. The woman slowly walked around her. When she was done, Alice let out the breath she had been holding.
"Follow me and no sudden moves. Mr. Masters will either call you over and see you or send you away. Do not make any sudden moves, do you understand?" Her voice was calm and measured, but Alice felt a little afraid. Alice noticed the men in the room near the family table were armed. They were discreet, but she was given a look over by them.
"Yes, I understand." Alice was now whispering. She felt she should lower her voice. Once past the opening, Theo Masters was at the other table on the left.
He looked up at Alice and gestured with his right hand for her to come forward. Alice noticed he was now had gray at his temples and throughout his hair. He and his wife Alexia were talking, and Theo was holding baby Nicky with his left hand. Theo's brother, Nelson and his wife Charity were seated at the table. All eyes now looked at Alice. However, she was focused on baby Nicky. He looked like his father, but his eyes were light brown. Senna's eyes were a medium brown. Baby Nicky looked up at Alice and then looked bored with her like his grandfather did.
"Hello Mr. Masters, is Senna here with you, it's urgent I see her, please," Alice asked haltingly. Alexia Masters suddenly moved closer to her husband and whispered something in his ear.
"Yes, sweetheart, I know all about that from Teddy," Theo said evenly to his wife. "Mrs. Hunter, what could you possibly want with my daughter?"
This is what a lamb going to slaughter felt like thought Alice. The uncertainty was painful, but Edward needed this done. Edward had begged her to get Senna.
"It's a private matter concerning my brother Edward. I would need to discuss this only with Senna." Alice now felt her confidence returning.
"You're the last person Senna would want to see." Mrs. Masters said suddenly with a hard tone of voice. The security guys now looked more at Alice, and they no longer had a relaxed look. If Mrs. Masters gave the word, she would be escorted out. She was given that understanding with one look from the security guys.
"Yes, Mrs. Masters, I know. I'm here to get help for my brother, Edward. I really do need Senna." Alice pleaded. Her pride was shredded and her confidence gone. The Masters family wasn't powerless, and they weren't Senna who had cared if Edward lived or died.
Senna suddenly walked by, so focused on Nicky, she pasted Alice without a look. This Senna was now used to security men and women being in the room with her. Nicky face lit up at the sight of his mother, and he reached out for her. Alice noticed no nanny was anywhere around.
"Hello, baby boy," Senna said in a happy voice. "By the way Grandpa, when are you going to fire numb brains?" Senna continued talking without noticing Alice. She was talking but reaching for Nicky who was her sole focus.
Once Senna was holding him, Theo said, "Edward Cullen is in the hospital."
"He has a wife and is no longer my problem or issue. How do you know about that anyway?" Senna's voice was questioning as she rocked a little while holding Nicky. "Is something going on with you and his family business wise?"
Theo didn't answer the question but said, "Turn around, please."
Senna turned, and her face went from happy to stormy. "What are you doing here?" Senna voice didn't ask but demanded.
Alice was now being glared at, Senna stopped rocking Nicky, and moved him closer to her body as if protecting him from Alice. The security guys noticed this and looked at Mr. Masters. He gave no signal to have Alice removed, so she relaxed about being asked to leave.
"Edward is asking for you. Bella left him over a year ago, I'm sorry for everything, I didn't know and blamed you for Edward's problems." Alice no longer cared about all the people listening in. She sounded pitiful to her own ears.
Senna looked at her, and Alice felt some hope. Senna had really loved Edward.
"I need you to leave," Senna said and she waited for Alice to start walking.
Alice noticed Theo giving the nod to the security men, but it was the security woman who stepped in front of Alice and said, "Get going now." There was no menace in her voice, but the way it was stated came through to Alice. She was no longer stunned. Alice took one step back, turned and walked out of the room.
"I cannot believe her nerve," was spit out by Senna and followed her down the hall. Alice couldn't disagree, but she had to try for Edward. He had loved Bella, but Senna had been his great passion. Alice had believed Edward and Bella could go the distance. She realized her mistake was thinking Edward had ever gotten over Senna. Since Edward didn't talk about her, she thought he was over her.
Edward
"Hello, Mr. Masters," Edward said from his hospital bed. Normally this was a time when Edward felt some peace, but not this evening. Theo Masters walked into his room like he owned it and took the chair beside him. Edward raised his bed slightly.
What Theo Masters noticed was Edward Cullen was a good looking young man. He had intense green eyes and reddish-brown hair. He was thin and had very little color in his face. He looked to be recovering from whatever made him sick.
"Hello, Dr. Cullen." Theo Masters said, and looked at Edward as though he was studying him. When he was done studying, he proposed a bargain of his own.
"I will hire you to give support to the medical group I have who support the racers of the Alexia motor teams. On occasion, they come to my building and provide medical care if needed. Senna won't like it, but I believe in second chances. Your failure will be your own, and this time no one will be making any deals with any devil or with your parents. Hopefully, in time, Senna will come around. You will be drug tested frequently. You fail one test, and you're fired. Do you understand me?" Theo talked to Edward like he did anyone else he was making a business deal with. He always presented contracts in a straightforward way; they were either rejected or accepted.
"Thank you, Sir. I won't let you down." Edward said in a tired voice.
"Of course, you will, you let down Senna, your wife, Alice, and your parents. I fully expect you to let me down. It's what you do best, Dr. Cullen. You will report to the small house when you're recovered. I have left an envelope at the desk for you. Don't lose it. Have a good evening and get some rest," Theo was done and left the room.
The next morning was bright and sunny, Alice was sitting the chair looking at Edward who was sitting up in bed, but looking uneasy about something. Time to get this over with was Edward's thinking, "Were you able to see Senna at all?"
"Edward, you sound tired. Did you get any rest last night?" Alice answered his question with a question. Edward loved his sister; her black hair now had a few gray hairs that she wore proudly.
"I didn't have any luck." Alice's voice sounded off to him. Alice had a tell-tale sign when she lied, Edward never told her, he always knew when she lied. He decided to take a different route.
"Why didn't you ever like Senna but had no problem with Bella?" Edward put a tone in his voice, he now sounded like their father when he disapproved of something.
Now Alice looked angrily at Edward, "Are you calling me a racist, Edward? I didn't like Senna, and it wasn't because she was black! Alice said through clenched teeth.
"I want to know what you did all those years ago to her." Edward said with some anger in his voice.
"Did Senna ever talk to you, ever?" Alice now asked in a worn-out voice.
"Tell me what you did, or get out of my room!" Edward now shouted out even louder.
When Alice refused to say anymore, Edward called for the nurse and told the nurse to get her out of his room. Alice was now crying softly, but Edward repeated, "I want her out of here."
Alice had left before the nurse asked her to leave.
May
Edward caught up with Senna's life via the gossip sites online. She stayed out of the public eye. Theo and Alexia had seemed to retire from public life as well. Before the death of Teddy, they were socially prominent. Senna and Teddy had attended very few events and always with Teddy's parents.
Everything he read was nearly two years out of date. Teddy and Senna's marriage had been kept quiet by them until a report said Teddy should put a ring on it. Teddy and Senna responded online by releasing their favorite wedding pictures. Teddy was first and then Senna. Several papers and magazines were shocked no one had released this information. They had very close friends who stayed quiet about the wedding and reception. He got to know Teddy Masters, how his life was ended by his cousin, Eric's angry girlfriend Sophia Victor, when he stepped between them trying to break up an argument, and was stabbed by her.
Teddy's passion had been creating motors, and they were named for his mother. The four engines he designed were now winning races in Europe and Asia on land and one in the water.
The second time the news outlets went wild was Senna's pregnancy. She stepped out of an SUV heavily pregnant to give a victim impact statement at the end of the murder trial for Sophia. She was supported by Eric, Theo and Alexia Masters. They were a united front around Senna. One reporter was nearly punched by Eric when he got too close to the group as they walked into the courthouse.
There was only one picture of Nicky, and it was a blurry side view that was six months out of date. Theo Masters was giving an interview when Senna walked passed the window holding Nicky. That interview had been at the family's old mansion that was now being used to train at-risk teenagers and young adults in computer repair, mechanics, and robotics.
Edward was barely dried out and decided it was now or never, so he left the hospital. He had the instructions and a temporary badge to show security at a mid-sized house. The neighborhood was middle class. The family owned four mid-sized houses on the block. The houses were in a circle. Edward realized the press would never think to look this way.
The family used to own three big estates that were converted into housing and job training centers for at-risk youth.
At the third house, Edward knocked on the door and was admitted by an armed security guy. He was walked into the kitchen, and Theo gave him a cup of coffee.
"Please have a seat, Dr. Cullen." Theo said kindly. When he looked at Edward Cullen, he thought he looked like warmed over shit. He wondered if he would be able to start working immediately. "Are you feeling all right?" was asked pointedly.
"I know I don't look well, but I'm ready to start work, Mr. Masters," Edward said with steel in his voice.
"This is one of my houses. You will live here, and you will be drug tested without warning. Senna and Nicky live next door but most days are in this house. My wife and I live here. Your room will be upstairs, the last one at the left end of the hallway. You will have your own bathroom, it's attached to the room I'm giving you. The guards are not your jailers nor are they babysitters. I have security closer because it makes me feel better. Senna is now used to them. Somewhere by my boy is sadly shaking his head at what I've become." Theo ended sadly, and Edward noticed the security guy in the room.
The security man had entered so silently that at first Edward hadn't noticed. What he saw in the back yard of the house was Senna with Nicky. He was wearing overalls on a blanket with Senna keeping a close eye on him. What Edward didn't see anywhere was a nanny or sitter.
"Time to let Senna know this is your home, for now, Dr. Cullen." Theo now sounded resigned and then stepped outside.
Through the window, Edward could see a woman holding Nicky as Senna was pointing to the house looking mad and Theo with hands out like he was asking for patience. Edward couldn't hear what was being said, but it looked like a very unhappy Senna with Theo asking her to understand.
When the door opened, Edward could make out, "But, you need to understand, he's a junkie!" was being said by Senna loudly and with some bewilderment in her voice.
"Teddy believed in second chances and restarts," was said by Theo with some heat in his voice. Then the door closed, and the woman sat down with Nicky at the small island in the kitchen. Nicky was now looking out the window at his mother and grandfather, and became fussy. He began pushing at the woman to get down so he could get back to his mother. She gently began to rock him, and he calmed down. Whoever she was Nicky knew her and quieted down.
When Senna and Theo reentered the room, they both looked angry. Senna played with Nicky and began looking less angry, but Edward knew it was beneath the surface. Theo looked calmer and back under control. Senna wouldn't look at Edward or acknowledge him.
Edward could have gone to Alice's house, and she would have let him stay despite his angry words at her, but he didn't want to go there right now. Edward gave Bella the house they had been living in after he signed the papers dissolving their marriage. It was ironic, she was now the expectant mother of the child of one of his drug dealers. Peter, and Jasper Whitlock Hale, were both dealers. Peter was now out of the business and with Bella.
Edward told Peter, "Get out or else I will tell Bella what you are."
Peter had been slowly getting out anyway, and the threat speed up the process. He now worked in an office downtown and went home to Bella at night.
Edward was tired of failing and more tired of restarts. Maybe, he had finally hit rock bottom. His third counselor, Tanya Volturi had told him he would have to hit rock bottom to finally get better and stay clean.
"Edward," she said sadly, "I hope you survive, I do. But, I have buried more patients than I have been able to save. You must want to save yourself; it can't be just me, your wife, and your family wanting you to live. You have to want this for yourself. The question is, do you want this?!" Tanya asked him passionately.
At the time, Edward said, "Of course I do," but within two years he was back getting detoxed.
Tanya repeated to him, "Rock bottom".
Bella had been ready to start a family and lost patience with cleaning up his vomit and excuses. Edward didn't blame her, but he wasn't sure if he was ready to start a family. So, he drank more and snorted whatever was handy and avoided the question. He was a high functioning drunk and drug addict who worked hard but failed routine, on the job, drug tests. The Cullen reputation is what saved his job at the hospital.
In late July, Edward was offered his old job back. He asked for a leave of absence instead, and it was approved. He explained to the director, he needed more time to work on staying off drugs and alcohol.
August
Edward was being tortured by Senna. She was in the house with Nicky full time. She and Nicky were in the room at the other end of the hall. Alexia and Theo were happy to have them. Senna no longer lived out of her old place, so the security guys used her house as their base of operations and living quarters.
Edward got to know the security guys and Danae.
Theo once gave Edward a hard look, but then he left the room. Edward was sure, Theo knew about the showers he and Senna shared. They weren't having sex like Theo suspected. Senna was washing his back and nothing more. Once, when Edward grabbed her hand and tried to put it on his penis, Senna grabbed his balls hard and put him on his knees. After that, he was punished for one whole week. When Senna returned to the shower, he thanked her. He started talking first, and after one week Senna began answering him. He wanted her facing him, but she stayed at his back.
"I want you back when you're ready Senna. I know it's all my fault we ended like we did, I really thought you were better off without me." Edward admitted as Senna slowly washed him. What Edward noticed lately was the back washing was starting to move more to his sides.
"I'm glad you called me to tell this news. No, that's right, you didn't call me to even say, I'm done." Edward could tell by her tone he had again pissed her off. "You didn't give a shit about me, you used me. I was the idiot who gave myself to you and trusted you. I won't be your fool again." When she was done, Edward was slapped with the washcloth upside his head.
Edward wanted to see her body so badly and her eyes in the shower, but he had no idea when he would. Edward considered the showers progress. Senna first started washing his back in early July after he made an off-hand remark.
Theo went to his office on the third floor. Alexia was working on getting a collection of her clothing designs together on the second floor of the building. Senna worked with Alexia on the designs and with the sewers. Nicky was in the nursery on the second floor with some of the babies of the other workers. The security people added another layer to what was already in the building.
Edward thought about leaving, but he wanted his second chance with Senna. This time, he was uncertain where she was concerned. She used to love him and cleaned up more vomit than any person should have to. She knew him at his worst.
Edward worked out of the training center and came home. There had been very few night call-outs. He worked with injuries at the training center. Senna started including him in activities with Nicky. Nicky started going to Edward back in July. One day, he reached for Edward instead of Yahir, one of the security guys as Senna held him. There were always two armed security guards at the house, in public at least four seen and unseen. They blended in, and Edward was now used to them too. Theo hired them after the death of Teddy. No one was allowed around his family without security in the room. The guards had 'shoot to kill orders' no exceptions.
The times Edward talked and laughed was when he got Senna to talk about Teddy. Teddy was missed by all, and he touched a lot of lives as Edward learned working at the training center and housing building. When talking about him, Senna was filling in the gaps of her life when Edward wasn't there with her.
"You know, Teddy loved Sophia and worried about her. Eric was never going to marry her, and we could all see it was upsetting her more and more. She and Eric had a long history. They abused each other and got physical with each other on more than one occasion." Senna was explaining to Edward as he held Nicky.
Nicky now called Edward, "Wawa." Edward was proud to be added to Nicky's growing list of people who he called something and had a name for. He, Senna, and Nicky shared one blanket and the security guys circling the area. For the first time in a long time, he started feeling hopeful about his future, plus he didn't think he needed a drink.
Senna would really look at Edward when he was interacting with Nicky. She didn't trust him totally where Nicky was concerned. He hadn't wanted kids with his ex-wife, and that made Senna suspicious where Nicky was concerned. Edward was starting to love the little boy. He was not just Teddy's baby but Senna's too. He was staying, and Nicky was a big part of his future too.
September
Alice missed Edward, she wanted to see him, but first she needed to see Senna. Senna was the key to Edward. She finally understood what she was to him. Senna was Edward's past, but now she was his present and future. Edward would not be walking away a second time.
As Alice walked into the offices of the Masters Family Group, she now knew exactly how Senna felt ten years earlier. The offices were elegant and understated, the glass that separated the different spaces made the building practically soundproof. After getting off on the third floor, she walked to the door that said T. N. Masters and rang the bell. She was buzzed in. No one was allowed on the third floor anymore without going past security. Alice used the information Senna's father-in-law gave her to be able to get this far.
When Alice landed at the third-floor reception desk, Theo gave the order from inside his office that Alice was to be taken to his wife on the second floor. The secretary smiled, but her face had fallen a little. From the look on the secretary's face that must have been unusual. Theo Master's probably used to have someone come out and get or greet people who came to his floor. Alice was escorted back to the elevator by the security person who emerged out of Theo's office.
On the second floor, the office was one big open space. There were desks with computers off to the side and in the middle, people sewing clothes at large tables. Alice saw Alexia Masters first, so she started walking towards her when Senna appeared from a side door holding Nicky.
Alice noticed the security guard that was in the back near Mrs. Masters as she walked closer to the back desk. Alice called out, "Hello Mrs. Masters, and hello Senna." Hopefully, they wouldn't have her thrown out.
Both looked at her, and finally, Senna called out, "Alice," and nothing more. They were looking at her and waiting to hear what she wanted now that she was in front on them.
"I was hoping you could tell me where Edward is living and working. It's been a while since I last saw him." Alice got out in a tone that was not her usual pushy manner. She was learning to be more personable and patient. She missed her big brother.
"Come by the club around four this evening, and I'll make sure Edward is there," Senna told Alice. It was an olive branch and Alice was glad to take it.
"Thanks, Senna. Have a good day, Mrs. Masters," Alice couldn't keep the happiness out of her voice.
When Edward was in the hospital, he kept telling Alice, "I let Senna go, I should've gone to her when I got clean that first time." Nothing Alice said could make Edward change his mind about that. What Alice didn't hear was Edward saying he wanted Bella back. He didn't mention wanting his marriage back… not once.
All At The Table
Edward was picked up by Senna and Nicky from the training house. He was told in the car they were on the way to the club to catch up with Alice. Edward had missed his sister.
What Theo and Alexia Masters noticed was that they had a family table again. He had new family members at his table. Edward was working with the counselors at the training centers. He had passed every drug test, and his supervisors were keeping an eye out too. The most important thing to Theo was that Edward was working on his sobriety like he wanted it. Theo and Alexia were learning more about addiction and recovery. Senna was smiling, and her eyes were less guarded. Nicky was calling, Wawa, and reaching for Edward.
Theo was aware of Senna's visits to Edward's room at night, and that was as far as he wanted to go. In time, if they had something to say to him they would. Senna's mom and dad had nothing bad to say where Edward Cullen was concerned after he asked them.
Alice, along with her husband James, was teary-eyed after Senna smiled at something she said about a younger Edward. They all laughed.
As Edward Cullen looked at Senna Lea Masters, formally Simmons, they had both come a long way. He now looked at the woman who was about to become his future again. Tonight, he would take the chance and turn around. He wanted them face to face, and he was tired of being afraid.
He had already broken every rule he ever learned about recovery and giving one's self one year before getting involved in any relationship, least of all romantic.
He wanted to get moving forward. He had already lost ten years.
That was then, and this was now.
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