It was a full week before she had the presence of mind to invite him to dinner. She knew that they needed to talk, but she was afraid of what would be said. More than that, she knew that to return to the easy ways their command structure held before New Earth would require more than just professional interactions on the bridge.
She was so worried that their closeness on the planet would interfere with integrating back onto Voyager; that their relationship would prevent them from just being captain and commander. But it was the void of their previous friendship and banter that made it uncomfortable. She needed to rekindle that, before it was too late.
He arrived on time, as he always did. They shared drinks and dinner, talking about ship systems and personnel. Only once did she feel the knot in her stomach clench; when he mentioned yet another pairing on Voyager had started in their absence. This made about a dozen couples within their ranks. He changed the subject, and she was glad.
When dinner finished, she wasn't sure how to begin or even sure of what to say. Maybe they didn't need to talk. Maybe they could just have a few dinners together and they would slide back into an easy friendship.
He stared at her, and she knew that he was going to bring it up, even if she didn't.
"I need to ask you something. It requires a completely truthful answer…it's been bothering me since we got back."
She froze. Even though they hadn't begun a physical relationship on New Earth, the feelings were most certainly there. They had both been obvious about their attraction…she thought he understood that it could never thrive on Voyager. How was she going to respond when he asked her to continue it? If she wanted to continue. She knew she did, but she knew that she could not.
"Were the feelings that you expressed only because I was the only man on 'new' Earth?"
This wasn't what she expected; she hesitated. The lie would be so much easier. It would be more painful at first, but then it would dull and everything would end. Yes. Just because you were the only one…it could have been anyone… but he deserved better than that.
She didn't meet his gaze when she whispered, "No."
Without a glance, she could feel his physical and emotional relief. She wasn't sure if that was for the best or the worst. They could not be together on Voyager.
"How long?" He wondered aloud; not really expecting to answer; expecting her to evade.
"Almost from the beginning," she replied, not sure how she managed to be honest with herself, let alone him. She looked up, needing to gauge his reaction.
He smiled, his dimples flashing, and she felt like she was on New Earth again.
"Right now, you're Kathryn again," he said, as though reading her mind. "This is the first time you have been real and honest with me since we were just Kathryn and Chakotay."
He reached for her hand, and she let him take it for a moment. "I've miss that," he added.
"Me too," she realized, sadness filling her heart.
"Since you're Kathryn for the moment, let me make one more request."
Don't ask to kiss me, she pleaded in her mind. She didn't know if she could recover from that.
"Let me hold you. Just here, right now, and probably not again for seventy years…but I need to hold you if you'll let me."
She moved into his path, his strong arms wrapping around her tiny frame.
He enjoyed the feel of her body pressed against his; the way that she seemed so fierce and strong on the bridge, but so small in his arms…
And then he realized that she was shaking. Sobbing. Not a loud or large thing, but quiet little shivers that let him know she was crying. He waited for her to speak her mind; no, her heart.
"I was so intent on finding a cure and getting back to Voyager. We found a cure, and we're back on Voyager…so why does it hurt so much?"
He rubbed her back gently, and stroked a lock of her hair with his other hand. "Because of what we built down there, together. Because we can never have that here."
He understood. So perfectly, he understood the position that she was in, and he respected it.
She pulled away, looking into his dark, beautiful eyes. They reflected nothing but the same love and sadness that she felt. She reached for his neck, pulling his face down to her side and pressed her temple against his.
Feeling the need to lighten the mood, she whispered, "Is there an ancient legend to help with this?"
He pulled back from her, smirking.
"The angry warrior wanted the woman warrior to accept his love, and to return it."
She froze at the word love, but he continued, unaware.
"He realized that she needed to be focused for her tribe; their tribe, so he promised never to push her. He knew that once they reached their homeland, far away, that they would be together again. So he waited, and he promised to wait, even if it meant a lifetime of waiting, until he could be with her."
Kathryn looked at him, wanting to return to his embrace; knowing that she could not. Instead, she said quietly, "All the more reason for the woman warrior to return her people to their homeland as soon as possible."
They both knew it was real now. They weren't misinterpreting how the other felt, or wishing for something that wasn't there...and what did it do for them? They might never make it home.
He gave her a soft smile. "Good night, Captain."
"Good night, Commander."