"I just can't do this Killian. I can't lie to you anymore, more importantly I can't lie to myself about this anymore"

She said it. It was all there out in the open now, like something you remember in one of those last moments of sleep. Aware, but unaware. Leaving its decision up to you to dredge yourself awake to face the truth or something that you fall back asleep to avoid.

And I suppose I can't pretend in my dreams anymore, Killian thought to himself. She doesn't love me.

She will never love me.

He remembers vaguely how she came into Granny's earlier for their daily lunch date; she had rushed in the door and looked for him at the tables. He always enjoyed those moments, when he got to watch her without her own insecurities popping up, when he got to watch the bird so often caged and clipped at the wings, and see her free.

When she had spotted him, her eyes held a shadow, he had seen that, but chalked it all up to the return of the crocodile, all to the rise of yet again another, force of darkness. Why honestly would it be anything else?

It was a lie.

The walls were finally down between them, there was no more of that fear that he would abandon her, that she couldn't trust him. Because of course she knew she could trust him… didn't she.

It was all a lie.

When they had retired to the back hall at Granny's he thought it was nothing more than a time to chat about another turn of events, something else that had, of course, gone wrong.

But something had gone wrong, and he had missed it.

She started in on some long thought out soliloquy of how she was just so tired of playing games, games with herself and with others. Her super power was focused on helping her find out if someone was lying, but of course like any good hero, she had a weakness, she couldn't tell when she was lying to herself. Her kryptonite. And she had gone and hurt others on the way to soothing herself and being greedy. She had apologized to him for putting him through so much heartache when she had nothing she could give.

Especially not her heart.

I never deserved it anyway.

She was fooling him the whole time, she wanted to feel and be loved and protected, and he offered the perfect way. He also never asked questions of her feelings for him so it was so easy to play his heart into his hands, to use it to help her control her magic, be the Savior. When in all reality she never loved him.

"I never wanted to hurt you. I never intended to but I guess I am so much better at lying to myself then any of us thought I could be." She sighed to him as she tried to catch his eyes.

But she couldn't catch his eyes; they were closed as he leaned his head down, his back braced against the wall with his left hand hidden behind his back, the sharp point of the hook biting into his back. He could feel that pain, it was probably breaking a whole in the skin, but he needed that pain. It told him this was more than the phantom pains of his nightmares; it told him in its entire piercing candor, this was real.

She never cared for me.

"Hook?"

He stood stock still when the moniker came from her mouth that added to the numbness his body was trying to inflict on him, to shield him. But his hook held strong, brought further to light by that crass name that really did describe him. The name that she called him, a name that from her lips sounded worse than any curse from any sailor's mouth.

I couldn't keep her heart.

"Why?"

It wasn't a broken whisper like she probably expected to hear from him.

He forced himself to sound that way, why make this anymore easier for her, to see the emotional wreckage that he was trapped in now.. His inability to even speak a simple sentence, he wasn't going to allow that weakness it what would be his final moments with her. He wasn't even going to try, because this would be the last time he saw her, and he didn't want her to know so visually what a decapitation this was to him, to the man who thought he held her heart.

Perhaps, I never had her heart in the first place.

I never had a chance in the depths of hell of her loving me

"Because I can never love you." She turned and walked out, shoulders held high, and he could hear her say a goodbye to Ruby.

Final.

He finally opened his eyes and looked up. He had kept them closed when she had begun to speak down that path that he heard the steel in her voice and guessed the end of the road Knew where she was going with it, because if he looked into her eyes she would have seen the damage of what she had unearthed.

It took their first kiss to unveil his greatest secret and reveal what he could imagine in the future. A hope that had burned so brightly, that he had discovered through his beautiful swan, the woman that truly had ownership of his heart.

Of course it would take her breaking his heart and crushing those golden dreams to reveal his final secret. That one thing that he always tried to overcome and the one thing that made him into what he was.

He was a villain. And more than that.

Nothing more than a broken pirate.

If anyone had looked into the eyes that raised from the dejected man leaning against the back wall of a small town diner they would have seen…nothing.

There was nothing in those eyes, no emotion.

No life.

No anything.

And without anything there, there was no reason for Killian 'Hook' Jones to be here in Storybrooke.

A slight cold rush came through the back of Granny's as that dark man all clad in leather left through the back door. Not anything anyone would have thought would have been any different than any day, just a pirate leaving the diner after lunch. But no one could have foreseen that a certain pirate would never grace Granny's with his innuendos or lascivious humor.

But before leaving for good, he had one stop to make. A stop that would cut things clear and make sure there was nothing left behind.

-x-

"I don't see why you would think that I owe you any of what you are asking for Hook. Most especially as you and I have absolutely nothing to do with one another."

Sighing deeply within himself, and continually bracing himself against the counter. He knew this was a stupid idiotic notion and the likelihood of his wishes being granted was shrinking smaller and smaller every moment. But he had to try.

"Look, you and me, we don't have anything to do with each other, but your are quite the perceptive one and we truly do have the same goals in mind." Seeking to put himself on the same side as his hopeful benefactor, he slowly detached his Hook and placed it on the counter.

Glancing at the sudden widened eyes across the kitchen, he whispered softly and with all that he had left to give in him to this town of Storybrooke: "I'm willing to make a deal."

Staring at the attachment that made Hook who he was, who he is, and all he ever stood for she raised her eyebrows. "What are you offering me Hook?"

"A promise, Regina. If you do this for me I will not complete my part of the bargain until I find your true love. And so I offer you the symbol of the women I loved for 300 years, the symbol of my Milah."

Regina had let him in the door with wariness and as she explained his offer her eyes had grown colder and colder. She had called him heartless for thinking of it, told him it was idiotic and asked if he had ever even read Henry's Book. But now, there was no more gibes are accusations of idiocy, now there was hope in his eyes that was reflected in hers.

"You would give it all up for Robin?" It was like a whispered prayer, that soft silent wish that you echo in the latest hours of the night. That time when you lay in your bed surrounded by the darkness where you actually let the darkest secrets and dreams of your heart have a place. That was Robin to her, an unrealistic fantasy- of a villain actually getting a happy ending.

But fear always seems to overcome hope. "Villains don't get happy endings, Captain." Bitter, anger, useless- all the emotions the queen must be feeling, thing echoed in the mirror of Killian Jones.

He chuckled darkly at her after that.

"Now both you and I don't really believe that, but I have studied out this whole happy ending thing, and it always comes because sacrifice. I am willing to be that sacrifice your Majesty." Connecting his eyes with hers and showing his undeniable power of will he challenged her. He challenged her to believe and to have hope.

Something only Henry had ever really gotten her to believe in.

"Will you deny my sacrifice?"

The quiet was his friend for once, he could tell that she mulled and worked through his offer in her mind. Logic was his only chance, and he had thought this through he had his backtracks covered, but most importantly, he had 300 years of experience in giving everything that he had to a single cause.

"Deal."

-x-

At the town line there were three people standing and staring, they all carried mixed emotions and varied in their garments and backstories. But one thing that united each of them- their broken hearts.

Of course there was the Evil Queen, the Mistress of the Dark, the cunning and Cruel, the stunning and severe. Her intelligence shining and most powerfully was her authority. Her eyes were filled with fear juxtaposed with hope.

Then there was the Pirate- a dashing rapscallion with a heart of pure intentions, the son who had been abandoned, the brother that had been left behind, the lover who had his heart ripped out multiple times (literally and figuratively). Emotions- perhaps he had some- but to look at him he seemed nothing more than a blank canvas, a scarred and handsome canvas, but empty.

And there was Belle, the beauty, the brains, the powerfully optimistic courageous woman. The woman who had been betrayed in the most deceitful of manners, for the most romantic of reasons- but ever the pragmatic. Tears were coming rom her eyes silently, as she not only remembered and broke over and over again, but also for her new found friends- who stood exactly as she did. At the precipice of full blown, drowning sorrow.

Yet, that is why they were here, the unlikely trio all willing to sacrifice to gain at least one victory. Belle rejected her happy ending from ever coming to pass, Killian no longer believed himself worthy of a happy ending; but both were willing to work together to find the Queen her joyous reunion.

Stepping to Killian Belle handed him a large knapsack, and closed her hands around his wooden hand attachment. "Its not as much as you will need, but it should be more than enough to get you started, it has all the identifications, the maps, and the money." She then smirked to herself, "And it also has two other sets of clothes for you to wear."

Killian laughed darkly, "if there is one part of this deal I hadn't thought about it was the vestments." He glanced at Regina sardonically. "Are we sure such wares are essential?"

"You will need them to stay sufficiently undisturbed and they will ease the transition! Besides Captains I believe the new clothes are better suited for you then any of your old garb."

Looking over him it was true, he looked the part of a traveller, a modern day voyager seeking adventure. His boots were a new shined brown leather, chich worked well with his new lose dark blue jeans. However he was still recognizable with his black v-neck t-shirt with his vest over it, with a new leather jacket over the top. It was a much shorter version of the coat he was used to carrying around and working with but it was eay to move in and it did a better job of keeping the cold out then his other gear had ever done. He felt stifled, yet naked.

All his accessories were gone save for the chains around his nexk and he had replaced his earing for a small hoop that was less "pretty-boy pirate" according to the queen. He looked like a modern man, and to complete the appearance and give him a whole new look- Belle had given him a pair of glasses, large and black with square frames. He had fought and said he had perfect sight and had no need for the crazy devices of this world. Belle had finally got him to give up when whe convinced him that they were not about sight but for fashion- they would complete the look of a travel looking for adventure, and allow him to blend into the world easier.

He looked like Killian Jones, but he didn't.

He gazed at the queen and his arch-nemisis wife and laughed, "Thank you ladies. It has been a pleasure."

Making that first tremulous step to the border took more strength than he though it would- it was as if the very air of the earth was telling him to stop acting as that dish at the hospital. What was it called? Hello? Mellow? Whatever it was I feel like this road is made of it!

"Hook!" Regina almost sounded desperate as she called him to look at her, "Are you sure this is worth it?"

"Why, your highness, I hadn't thought you had grown fond of me!"

"She is right though Killian, this is something you cant come back from when you make that decision." Belle had joined the queen in trying to turn the plan at its moment of fruition.

"I would never have offered if I hadn't known it was the right choice." He then glared directly into Belles eyes "No one gets told of this- this NEVER happened, and Regina," He trembled as he whispered his final words. "Don't waste a moment of him loving you, making it worthwhile for all of us."

And with those words Captain Killian Jones stepped over the town line with a journey to find Robin Hood and send him back to his true love.

-x-

It was three weeks later in the middle of Grannys that Emma finaly heaved herself into the booth with her parents.

"Emma" her mother said addressing her, "have you seen him at all?"

"No! And it doesn't matter, I haven't been looking for him and I don't want him to be near me, I am only worried that Gold and the three bitchy stooges have lured him to their side. Its not like he is known for being on the good side of a fight, and I would rather not have to face him in another battle!" Emma was vehement, but if there was one thing that she had inherited from her mom, it was the inability to keep a secret for a long time, and 3 weeks was to long for Emma to keep her secret from her mother,

"Emma! Of all people you should know that is not what Hook would do, and more than that you should know if anyone would know what you are going through it is your father and I. You can't keep pushing Hook from you!"

"It doesn't matter if I am pushing Kil…." She stopped herself from saying his name because itjust continually caused that maw in her chest to ache and gasp with all the love it was missing, "him! He isn't even around for me to be annoyed with or fighting to get me back!" She was whispering her shouts at her mother, but more than at her mother she was whispering them to herself to put all those walls back in place, to defend against the possibility of…Him.

"Emma, I think if you just told him what you were going through and tried to find him then you would be able to work through things…" Emma looked up as she heard her mother gasp as the door chime rang. She steeled herself to prepare to turn and look at her pirate, who she hadn't seen in Granny;s since that fateful day. But she had to so she turned.

"Oh my God!"

"Regina!"

There standing before them was the most radiant looking smile on the Evil Queens face that had ever been seen, but was most shocking was the man right next to her.

"ROBIN!?" It was a chant that carried across the entire diner and he was surrounded and explain himself, Emma was unable to focus in her shock until he finally mentioned something that caught not only her ear but the ghostly poundings of her seemingly vacant heart.

"I had resigned myself until Hook found me and made it possible for me to come back." Robin was positively glowing with joy until he saw the shocked look on the Sheriffs face when he talked of Hook.

"He what?" If he hadn't been looking at her mouth he never would have guessed her question but he was able to figure it out around the bustiling of the crowd.

"Of course, he got to me, and he looked so different I could hardly believe he was there, but then he explained the situations, gave me the necklace, and directed me back to Storybrooke. He gave me the key to returning home, to returning to my true love." Emma would have laughed at the Queen for the look of admiration she was throwing at Robin, but it still shocked her to much.

"Necklace?"

"Of Course!" he took off the chain around his neck and brought it from underneath his shirt and revealed Hooks ever-present chained necklace and his charms. "He figured out the way to enchant it so that one wearing it could leave and return to Storybrooke and he brought it to me and sent me here to Storybrooke."

"Okay so where is Hook, is the barrier down? Why did he give you his necklace? Is he back? What kind of magic is this Regina!?"

"Emma" Snow said hesitantly, looking at the Queen she could tell Emma wasn't going to react well to the answer coming from the queens mouth.

"Emma, with this kind of magic it was only a one way ticket with this kind of magic. You get to leave once and then return once and it will no longer work. Hook used the ticket to leave and Robin got the ticket to come back."

"Why? Why would Hook do that?"

Regina placed her hand on the heaving shoulder of Emma as Snow quickly moved to hold Emma from the other side. Regina looked at her and said something Emma was broken to hear.

"He wanted there to be Happy Endings in Storybrooke, so he traded his."

Glancing rapidly between her mother and the woman who had mothered her child she had tears on her cheeks and filling up in her eyes rapidly- "Regina, when is he coming back?"

Steeling herself the Queen said the words that no one that has ever been abandoned would ever want to hear.

"He won't be coming back Emma. He can't." And feeling like she needed to confess all of her sins like this was the moment that would break the Saviors back but that which had to be said. "He doesn't remember any of it, he wont remember any of us, where he is from, or where he is coming from. That was the price, the owner of the charm would lose all of their memories once it was expelled of all their magic."

-x-

I know, I know, everyone does a story where someone loses their memories, but I just love the drama of it! Some of my favorite stories involve memory loss and true loves and epic adventures. But this may not turn out the way that people are expecting, it's a monster it was only supposed to be a oneshot of angst and Killian after a break up, but itjust kept writing and now it needs another part to be written.

It will come someday soon, perhaps with the happiness that will be brought by ONCE coming back on the air!