I have a headcanon in which Judal is Bulimic and starves himself for control, and I couldn't resist writing his thoughts while he purges.
He's doing it again.
He's doing that
thing,
the one where he's keeled over with
an arm down his throat
and he's
upchucking
all of the
single peach
that he
oh-so guiltily
devoured.
He doesn't know
why
he ate it,
but he
did
and there's
no way in hell
he's gonna let himself get
fat
from one single
damn peach.
He shouldn't have even eaten the damn thing
in the first place,
but
dammit,
it's like
he just couldn't help himself,
and it's
disgusting
and so he has to do
this
again.
He doesn't let himself
feel ashamed,
not when he has to shove his fingers
further and further down
each time,
not when shame bubbles in his stomach
and he is sick again,
not when Hakuryuu catches him throwing up
and
gives him that look,
the one that makes him want to be sick
all over again.
And he doesn't know why he
cares
about being
skinny,
because he's a guy and he
shouldn't,
but he
does
and so he
deals with it
by shoving his pale, skinny fingers
down his throat.
It hurts,
but at the same time
it doesn't,
and at the same time it
feels good,
because it's
numbing,
at least for awhile.
Finally he heaves himself back up,
and he wipes his mouth
and presses an arm against his belly,
and he's
exhausted,
but not
ashamed,
because being
ashamed
would be
admitting
to having a
problem.