A/N : Okay, so obviously I do not claim to own Ted Cruz or Guy Fieri or anyone else in this fanfiction, nor do I own the idea for Death Note. Also, no politicians were actually killed in the making of this fanfiction so please do not put me in prison okay thanks? :D
Ted Cruz is hot. Like, really hot. Not only is he really hot, but he is also the top student in his class. He currently has seven girl friends. However, his life - nay, his world - is not perfect. Far from it, actually, and Ted Cruz is well aware of it. He knows that this world is rotten. It needs reform. That's why, when he graduates, he will run for president. Until then, though, he will have to continue his average life in his below average world for as long as he can take it.
Or will he...?
It is on a stale monday afternoon on his way home from cram school that a notebook in the grass catches Ted Cruz's eye. It is black and reads "Death Note" on the front. He disregards this. He picks it up and skims through the empty pages. Seeing that it is completely blank, he pockets it and heads home. He figures he could use it to write down his number for girls because he always uses up all of his paper on that.
When he gets home, he says hi to his mom and then goes upstairs and hunches over his desk. He has had a long day, and needs to breathe. However, his breathing becomes hitched and he collapses on his chair when a loud creature of some sort suddenly appears in the shadowy corner of his room.
It is called "Guy Fieri"
"W-Who are you?" Ted Cruz yelps. He scrunches up his face in confusion.
"Guy Fieri!," the creature roars. He has spikey hair and is stuck in 2005. He steps closer to Cruz.
"Why are you here?"
Guy chuckles.
"Well, ya picked up my book, didn't ya?"
Ted looks at the notebook on his desk.
"Y-Yeah, I guess I did. LOL do u want it back?"
Guy cringes when Ted Cruz says LOL.
"Of course not! I'm just here to tell you the rules! Okay, first thing's first! Once you use the Death Note to kill someone, you will no longer be able to go to Flavortown after you die! Secondly, you-"
But Ted Cruz interrupts him.
"Kill someone...?" he mutters under his breath. The idea seems crazy at first, but when he really starts to think about it...
"Can I test it out?" he blurts. Guy looks appalled, but nods nonetheless. Ted pulls out a green pencil with an large Shrek eraser and begins to scrawl a name on the paper.
"Who'd ya get?" Guy asks after a few moments. He has been waiting forever because Ted writes really slow. He is dum.
"Bush," Ted replies, and within that moment, a news report lights up on the TV screen.
Sure enough, there he is. The former perpetrater of the attacks on 9/11.
"Hey, good one," Guy says. He pulls a diner-quality burger out of seemingly nowhere and take a large juicy bite. He can tell by the giddy smile on Ted's face that this will be the first of many long, murder-filled nights.
Little does Cruz know, though, someone is already on his trail, just waiting to trump him...