Warnings: Shota, slight incest, angst.
Disclaimer: -sigh- I don't own YGO.
Authoress Note: Writing this made me a little sad. ;-; There isn't much to say about it, other than it's really angsty. It's in Seto's point of view. Please R&R.
--o0o--
Mokuba . . .
I still remember when you were first born. At first I hated you and I blamed you for killing our mother, but that quickly changed when I first saw you. It was then that I knew I had to protect you. So the first thing I did was count.
Ten fingers, ten toes, one button nose, one mouth, and two large grey eyes.
You were perfect.
I was there when you first opened your eyes. They were breath-taking and all too innocent, just like they are now.
I became captivated with them and somehow knew that I would always love you and care for you, in more ways than one.
When you were brought home from the hospital, 'Tousan told me that I would have to watch after you and I did. When you were a baby, I would spend hours looking into your crib and worrying if you so much as sneezed.
I remember when 'Tousan died and we were sent to the orphanage. You remember that day, right Mokuba?
You had your pudgy hand wrapped around my finger with tears streaming down your face.
You looked up at me and asked, "We're going to be okay, right Niisama?"
I could only try to keep tears from coming to my eyes and say, "Of course, Mokie-chan, of course."
It's been a long time since you've called me "Niisama." I guess it's also been a long time since I've called you "Mokie."
Back at the orphanage was horrible; I know. I was so sure I could protect you from anything.
Bullies, teachers, life.
That was until we met Gozaburo.
My young pride got in the way of us having a good future. I thought beating Gozaburo in that chess game would be the key to our success, the ticket out of that Hell.
It turned out we just went into it deeper.
I was determined to not let Gozaburo get to me; I would win in the end of it all.
But I didn't. I figured that out from Death"T."
Gozaburo trained me like a dog and I guess he left a bigger imprint than I thought he would. But that isn't an excuse.
I never apologized for being so cold to you back then, back when you needed comfort the most.
I know you didn't know it then, but during the things Gozaburo did to me, I would only think of you.
He did a lot more things then I told you about.
I always admired how you stuck with me, even when I was "sick." Most people would hate me for it, I understand; I would hate me too. But you stayed with me, even after I almost killed you.
I still hate myself for that.
I'm pretty sure that was when I stopped calling you "Mokie."
As the years went by, you and I got older. I was still captivated with your stormy grey eyes, but I had drastically changed from the 'Niisama' who held your hand when we were about to enter the orphanage.
I somehow became old. My priorities changed. Suddenly, protecting my baby brother wasn't as important as running a company or beating Yuugi.
I still hate myself for that, too.
I know I wasn't there for you a lot of the time, Hell, most of the time. Coming home at 1:00am from work and then leaving at 5:00am everyday of the week except Sunday.
You used to always make me skip work on Sunday. It was our time of 'bonding' and as the years grew on, our Sundays became less and less.
I know I wasn't always there to comfort you, but I couldn't. I know you didn't know it at the time, but I was a little more than captivated with your eyes.
I think it started after Gozaburo adopted us. As I said he would practically torture me and play mind games with me, but the longer I was away from you, the more I wanted to feel you. I wanted to run my fingers through your long, raven tresses. I wanted to hold your hand or hug you and I found nothing wrong with it. In fact, it might have been what kept me alive. If I had the thought in my head that it was just a game and afterwards, I could be with you; I would survive.
My plan worked a little better than I thought I did.
I wanted to kiss your lips that looked so petal soft. I wanted to own every part of your body and by the time I hit age thirteen, I could no longer allow you to sleep in the same bed as me.
It was that point in my life that I realized that my little "crush" wasn't normal and I couldn't let you find out. So I let myself be trained by Gozaburo.
If I could become almost as cold as him, then maybe I wouldn't have those feelings anymore.
After all, feeling is a weakness. It's a weakness that could have hurt both of us.
I began to distance myself from you, even though I wanted nothing more than to hold you from your nightmares or kiss away your tears. But I kept my distance, if only for your sake Mokuba.
But that time, my plan backfired.
As the distance between us became greater and greater, I think your love for me became less. I know you wouldn't admit and you probably didn't know it at the time. I could tell you often questioned my love for you and I never gave you a reason to love me.
I remember when I was working at Kaiba Corp. right after Gozaburo's death. Even though all evidence pointed toward me, you still looked up to your Niisama and he could have been a murderer.
"Niisama . . .?" You asked quietly in a small corner of the room. "You love me, right?"
"I'm your brother."
The words came out a little colder sounding than I intended. It hurt me a little to say that myself.
You nodded slightly and excused yourself to leave the room. I know you didn't know it, but I could hear your sniffles in the hallway.
I think that might have been when you stopped calling me Niisama.
The Yuugi-tachi thought that they were helping our relationship, but I think they only made matters worse. I mean, it's good that you found normal friends . . . well as normal as the Yuugi-tachi will ever be. But, I guess some part of me didn't want to watch you leave.
Our Sundays became less and less.
"Seto, I'm going over to Yuugi's." You would say or, "I was invited to go to the arcade with Yuugi, can I go?"
And the only thing I could do was give a fake smile and let you. You would give me that cute little pout if I said no and the look on your face of pure excitement and happiness was just too much. So I always let you go.
Why did you have to grow up Mokuba? I remember when the kid who held my hand at the orphanage turned in to a teenage heart-breaker. Your thin, boyish body turned into tan muscle. Your eyes slanted slightly in age, but they still remained that stormy grey from before.
It almost tortured me to look at you for a long period of time.
I remember during one of the few times we spent time together, you jokingly sat on my lap and acted like a little kid again.
You did that adorable little pout, placed a finger on your lip and said in a high-pitched child-like voice, "But Seto! I can't sleep alone at night. I need you next to me to fight the monsters!"
The fact that you squirmed only made matters worse.
I prayed to every God I could think of you didn't notice my "problem."
I made you get off of me before it became too noticeable and when you asked why (with another pout), I told you, you were too old for that and you needed to grow up.
You muttered something under your breath and stormed out of the room. That was probably the last of our Sundays.
Not only did your physical appearance change, but your attitude on things did too. You became less innocent and more withdrawn. From what little I saw of you, the only thing I really heard you say was, "Hnn."
I hoped I hadn't caused the sudden change in personality and then I found out you were dumped from some girl I had never heard of.
I wasn't sure to be sympathetic that your heart was broken, mad that you never told me about your problems in the first place or happy that you weren't with anyone.
I decided to be sympathetic and confront you with your problem.
It didn't go as planned.
"Hey Mokuba, you okay?" I asked softly, while entering your dark room.
"Leave me alone, Seto." You said, your voice muffled by your pillows and tears.
My heart nearly shattered in two.
I sat down next to you and began rubbing your back.
"I'm sure there will be other girls, Mokuba." I almost cringed at how cliché the words sounded.
"No there won't, Seto!" You sat up with your eyes still puffy and red with a hurt look on your face. "I-I . . . loved her."
I remained silent, but you kept going.
"I-I mean, haven't you had someone you've loved before?"
It took every fiber in my body to not say "You."
"No." I replied quietly.
"You mean there has never been anyone you've loved before? There has to be!"
"No, Mokuba. I haven't."
It seemed like you were even more hurt than before. Your face scrunched up and more tears rolled down your face.
"Just--just forget it Seto. Get out of my room."
You lay back down and pulled the covers over you.
I wanted to pull you from the covers and hug you and say that the only person I've ever loved was you, but of course I didn't.
I simply left the room like you asked to give you privacy. I think from that day on our relationship just crumbled faster.
I remember when you went to college. I could tell by that time, you hated me. You were too polite to admit it, but I could tell.
I tried to tell myself that you were just acting like every other young person in the world, but you weren't. You were my little brother and we barely spoke to each other anymore.
I tried to visit you once, remember? When I knocked on your dorm room, I didn't expect to actually see you. But you opened the door, still as beautiful as ever. And then you slammed the door in my face.
I didn't cry, but I sure as Hell felt like it.
Like I said, I didn't blame you for hating me. I was never there for you when you needed me the most and for the first time in my life I realized I broke a promise. Not only to you, but to Otousan.
I know I broke our promises, and I know I was wrong, but God it still hurt.
I don't know what I was expecting from you that night. I was fooling myself if I thought anything had changed between us. Did I still think there was a chance of you coming into my arms and allowing me to kiss you senseless?
I guess that would make me not as smart as people gave me credit for.
After college, I didn't see you for a year or two. Around Christmas you called and told me your wife was having twins.
I wasn't sure what to say to that, but you sounded so excited, I could only pretend to sound interested. I told you congratulations.
Our conversation stayed on polite topics until I told you I had to go to bed. I'm pretty sure you knew I was lying, but you said, "Good night" anyway.
That was our most pleasant conversation in years.
I want you to know Mokuba that I didn't mean it when I said you were a child or I when I didn't respond to your questions. I was only trying to protect you, protect you from myself.
I had never been more hurt than when you slammed that door in my face. Nothing Gozaburo did could compare to that feeling. That feeling of hate you gave me and the feeling of abandonment.
I truly understood why you hated me then.
Even when it didn't seem like it, I never stopped loving you. I never stopped being captivated with your stormy grey eyes.
And somehow, I knew that after that phone call, I would never hear from you again. As much as that pains me to think about it, I probably won't. So here's to you, Mokuba:
I love you, Mokie-chan.
Good bye.
--o0o--
Wow. I wrote that a lot quicker than I expected. I told you it was angsty. Well, I hope you like it. Please review.