I won't soothe your pain
I won't ease your strain
You'll be waiting in vain
I got nothing for you to gain
She was the last person he was supposed anything for, especially the emotion that pulsated through his veins each time she sat beside him in class because she liked to be up front, each time she asked if she could double check her notes with his because she was that through, each time she sat beside him at lunch because she was friends with Lily and he just happened to in the vicinity.
He wasn't supposed to feel anything for anyone. He couldn't. It was dangerous, especially when his emotions were peaked. Things could happen, terrible things. He had tried telling James and Sirius about it but they told him that he could control himself.
"You're not a monster, Remus. You know that." James had said.
"This is who you really are. The sweet, sensitive, sometimes overly dedicated student." Sirius chimed in.
"None of that matters." Remus said solemnly.
"Well." Peter reasoned. "You could always tell her."
Tell her, now that was a laugh. She was far too smart to brush if off as a joke. She'd take it seriously. And then she'd run away screaming. How could she ever care for someone like him? Something like him?
"No." Remus said firmly. It wasn't an option. He'd rather put himself in inward turmoil than suffer the humiliation of having her dismiss him as a creature to be dealt with rather than a human to be cared for.
No, the distance was better. It was safer, less risky, harzardless.
I'm taking it slow
Feeding my flame
Shuffling the cards of your game
And just in time
In the right place
Suddenly I will play my ace
He had played the game for a month now. The game he had invented to ease his mind and make him feel a little more normal. He saw her often because of their classes and circle of friends. In a sense, they were close. They knew a lot about each other. Well, he knew a lot about her. She knew absolutely nothing about him.
Each time he saw her, he asked her a question. Usually yes or no to make it easier, but some kind of simple, effortless question. If she replied one way, it meant she felt a certain way about him. If she replied another way, it meant she felt another way. It was childish and did more harm than it did good but it kept him entertained during those moments when he felt the most low.
I won't soothe your pain
I won't ease your strain
You'll be waiting in vain
I got nothing for you to gain
What was worse than the transformation was the pain and agony that came with knowing that it close to happening. Knowing that within an hour or two the searing pain that came with the moon's heavenly gaze would rip his body apart and leave his carefully protected human self somewhere behind. He hated it.
They had all gone to Hogsmeade earlier in the day and James had reluctantly brought him along. He didn't want to engage in shopping and the conversations that only made his head swell because they were so immature. He loved his best mates but sometimes they were a little much.
But Amelia Bones was going and he thought he could endure it if only for her purpose.
"Remus." Amelia had said brightly, pulling at his arm. God, he hated it when she touched him. "I was planning on buying some new quills. Did you want to come?"
"Sure. I suppose." He sounded so cold, so uninterested. It was his best defense, but she was unfazed, as always.
"Stop jumping up and down with excitement, you're causing a scene," she teased, her pearl white teeth poking out from beneath her pink lips.
He managed a grin and walked beside her. He really shouldn't have come. His impulses spiked when the moon was nearly full. His senses heightened and he was likely to do things that he wouldn't normally do.
But Jame's words echoed back to him. You're not a monster, Remus. He clung to that thought daily.
She inspected her quills carefully before purchasing them. He admired her thought process and her concentration. Her eyes graced each one, her fingertips traced each curve. He only wished for a moment that she might do to the same to time.
Masochistic bastard.
Eyes on fire
Your spine is ablaze
Felling any foe with my gaze
It was worse this time then it had been in the past. His flesh tore under the pressure of the wolf and he felt his muscles double in size, his tendons close to snapping. His forehead was beaded with sweat and he cried - no, howled now - in pain. A human did not experience these things.
His fingernails ripped from his cuticles, making room for the claws. His spine curved over and he felt the vertebrae adjust to his new form. The hair came next. Everywhere, every part of his body covered with the thick black cloak that was supposed to protect him, but jailed him instead.
He kept howling out of misery, confined to the Shrieking Shake, forced to remain hidden, away from society. But he knew what would happen; his instinct like this was to kill. The adrenaline oozed from his skin. When James and Sirius kept him company, they picked fights to tire him out. But it was never enough; his energy just kept coming back.
And the thoughts. Jesus. The godawful things that ran through his mind like this. The images of ripping the limbs of animals apart, humans apart, his friends. Sometimes they came in brief flashes. But other times ... he couldn't even will them away.
You're not a monster, Remus.
Yes, I am, James.
And just in time
In the right place
Steadily emerging with grace
He shouldn't have come back to class so soon after but he couldn't afford to miss anymore time. He was already so far behind. Nevermind the limp in his step as he walked; Sirius played a little too rough sometimes.
He took his regular seat in Charms, and Amelia took hers, just to his right, her new quills in seat neatly out on the desk.
"Remus, where've you been?" she asked cheerily.
"Oh." Remus said with a shake of his head. "Food poisoning."
"Again?" Amelia said without missing a beat.
"Yeah, well. I like Shepherd's Pie it just doesn't like me." He had thousands of excuses. He kept them all in his back pocket for occasions just like this.
He could smell her perfume; vanilla, maybe jasmine. The blue of her eyes caught his and he forced himself to look away.
"Well, I've missed you." Amelia said conversationally.
"I've missed you, too." Remus replied with a similar tone.
Too often he felt like a deserted mall connected to a retail store, barred off by metal gates, looking at the shoppers, and fluorescent lighting and all of the things he could not have.
Felling any foe with my gaze
Steadily emerging with grace
Felling any foe with my gaze
Steadily emerging with grace