The Evil Math Teacher
Subtitled: I Hate My Math Teacher
By Mina
*- Name has been changed for obvious reason… * shudders * What if he reads this story? * hides behind her computer * NO!!!! Don't kill me!!!! I only failed THREE tests!!!!! * cowers *
A/N: Well, I figure I should give a little background on this story. Mr. 'Berkman' is my extra after school math school teacher. No, I don't have a choice on whether I WANT to go to math school or not. So bye-bye Tuesday and Wednesday evenings… Sucks to be me. Anyway, the inspiration for this story came during one miserable math class when I just started wondering… What if Mr. 'Berkman' taught at Hogwarts…?
It was a beautiful, sunny, wonderful day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, and the rest of the Gryffindors were on their way to Potions class. Everyone was dreading that particular class, since Snape quit and decided to be a cow psychologist. Nobody knew who the new teacher would be, but they all heard some very screwed up stories about the new professor.
"I heard that he's a werewolf…" shivered Neville.
"So? Lupin was a werewolf, and he was one of the best teachers we ever had," remarked Harry.
"Yea, well I heard that he was an alien," squealed Lavender Brown.
"Well, aliens are cool. Didn't you ever see the 'X-Files'?" said Dean Thomas excitedly.
" 'X-Files?' What are the 'X-Files'?" asked Lavender in confusion.
"Nevermind…" sighed Dean. "You wizards don't know anything."
"Hey! I resent that!" frowned Ron.
"Well, whatever. You guys will never believe what I heard," announced Hermione proudly.
"What? What is it?" asked Harry in excitement.
"I heard that he's a MATH TEACHER!!!!"
Dun-Dun-Dun!!!!!!
"You're….kidding, right?" questioned Harry.
"Uh…No…"
"Oh god… help… me…." whispered Harry, his face paler than the white piece of parchment that he was holding.
~*~*~*~
"You vill vork hard here, very hard. You vill not slack off. Do you realize zat vizin tvo years you will be taking your NEWTS? You do not vant to fail, I assure you…" droned the new Potions teacher in a heavy Russian accent. "I have had students pass zeir NEWTS vith a perfect score, and I expect all of you to do same."
"Oh my Merlin… This is worse than Snape's little beginning of the year 'pep talk'…" whispered Hermione to Harry.
Draco scowled at the two and continued to stare at his new Potions book, (which was labeled 'Advanced Calculus and Algbra'), blankly.
"Hey, Draco, this is hard," whimpered Crabbe as he looked down at the algebra sheet that a stuttering Parvati Patil handed to the entire class.
"Vat is zat I hear? Who is talking? You!" yelled the enraged teacher as he pointed to Draco.
Draco looked up and stared at the teacher in surprise, "Who, me? I didn't do anything!"
"Do not lie, you vill only make things vorse! Detention for a month!"
"What? No! You can't do that! Don't you know who I am?!? I'm Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius Malfoy!" blurted out Draco.
"Ah… Lucius Malfoy… Yes, I remember him vell, stupid little brat. Had problems vith his algebra, yes. Tell him that Berkman* is teaching nov!" cackled Professor Berkman.
Draco stared at him in amazement and awe. "But you're… you're… you're…." Draco failed to finish.
"Yes! MWHAHAHA!!!!! And nov I am here to stay!!!!!" roared Berkman. "You!" Berkman pointed to Hermione. "On the board! Nov! Problem number 13, 14, 15, and 16!"
Hermione looked down at her worksheet in puzzlement. "But… I don't know algebra!"
"Vell, you're here to learn, aren't you?"
Hermione nodded numbly and walked up to the board and scribbled down the complicated equation.
"Vat is zis? Chicken scratches? I do not vant zis mess! Go, wash ze board and vrite it over again!"
Hermione looked very sick as she ran to a sink in the back of the classroom and grabbed a sponge. She spent the next 15 minutes attempting to erase the board to Professor Berkman's liking, but he wanted it done just right.
So finally poor Hermione sat down back in her seat, looking as though she was about to throw up, but not before –
"Yes, you vill vash ze boards every day from now on!"
"Shit," whispered Hermione to Ron and Harry. Ron just stared ahead dumbly.
"Ron? Are you okay?" asked Harry nervously.
"NO! I'm not okay! You have any idea what this guy does to muggle children? Oh, my dad told me all about this… Ok, get this – he makes them sit through hours and hours of math! Non-stop, with the occasional two minute break! And he charges MONEY for it!" Ron whispered back furiously.
Harry and Hermione both gasped in shock. Lavender, who overheard the conversation passed it on to Parvati, who passed it on to Seamus, who passed it on to… Whoever. Soon the whole dungeon was full of whispers.
"Vat is zis?!?!?! You are here to learn! Not socialize! You, Lavender, stand up!"
Lavender rose from her seat, her lower lip quivering slightly. She was literally shaking in fear.
"Vat is the square root of the square root of the square root of 'x'?" yelled Mr. Berkman furiously. His whole body was trembling in anger – from the extra large Versaci pants to the silk designer robes.
"10?" answered Lavender meekly.
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Berkman. "Three months detention! Know this formula by heart for tommorow! You vill most certainly be having a quiz on zis material!" Berkman started scribbling rapidly on the board. The students attempted to keep up with him, but they managed to write down about half of the notes from the board… If they were lucky.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the bell rang for their next class. The 5th Years, Slytherin and Gryffindor, all piled out of the dungeon, pale and shaking, only to hear Berkman assign 10 pages of word problems for homework, due the next day. At that point the 5th Years were all running for their lives.
A few 1st Years regarded them with suspicion and anxiety as they walked into the Potions dungeon. Their doubts vanished very swiftly when Berkman had a fit when he found out they didn't know advanced algebra.
"VAT?!?!?! You're 11 and you don't knov zis material?!?!?! You stupid……….!!!!!!!!!"
And up in the Transfiguration classroom, Harry, Hermione, and Ron were glad to be breathing the fresh air, and hearing the birds sing. They marveled at the beauty of the yellowing leaves, and the whole Potions class seemed like a nightmare. Yet, screams of terror and anguish could be heard coming from the dungeons all day, and many a student were apprehended by Hagrid when they attempted to commit suicide by running into the Forbidden Forest, to escape the wrath of…
The Evil Math Teacher!!!!!!
A/N: Soo... What do you think? I think that I depicted my math teacher pretty fully. I hope that you enjoyed this story, had a laugh or two, and dearly thanked God that THIS wasn't YOUR math teacher.
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone... Especially not Mt. 'Berkman', thankfully. * shudders* He's scary.....