What was I thinking? Why am I being this selfish? Shunsui deserves to be happy with his beloved and yet, it hurts me a lot. It's like a dagger being pierced right through my heart. It hurts me so much to watch my friend, my best friend, so happy with his vice captain. Shouldn't I be happy for him too? He finally made his Nanao say yes to him. It's so painful for me to bear this. Why? Is it because I'm bitterly in-love with him all this years and yet he didn't feel the same way for me? I shouldn't be like this. I should be happy, so happy that they're finally together. But no… I can't help it. Every time I think of it, I wanted to cry out loud. Why didn't he notice right from the very start? That I love him so much that I'm willing to give him all I have?
Maybe, I'm just a mere best friend for him after all. Best friend and nothing else. A bitter best friend who would do anything just to make his beloved happy. A best friend who will fake a smile whenever his friend is with another lady though deep inside it hurts him a lot. That's it. Sometimes, I even thought of myself a burden to him. With this weak and frail body because of that incurable disease, who wouldn't think of it? No one of course.
Next month, Nanao and he will be getting married. He's too excited and can't wait for that next month to come. He's finally having a family, while me being left alone by myself again. I guess, he'll forget me sooner or later too and can't see him anymore at work. All I can do is just listen to his joyful tone while telling me all about this. There's no other thing I can do anyway. Nothing else but be happy for him.
I wish that this sorrowful life of mine will come to an end. I wish, my disease will just go kill me once I have another attack. I also wish that I haven't met him so that it wouldn't hurt this much in my heart.
Selfishness isn't it? Yeah, I know that. No one else have to say it a lot of times. But they can't encourage me too to give up these feelings for him. Why? Why do people like me have to suffer from pain? Why do people question ones sexuality? Is it a crime to love someone of the same gender? No! It isn't! They don't know what the meaning of love is. Love doesn't mean loving your opposite sex. It's where you find happiness towards someone which no one could give other than that person. It's not a matter whether that person is a he or she. It isn't based on physical appearance.
Then why? Why doesn't he understand that that's what I felt for him?
But I don't have any other chance. I guess, I was really destined just to be his dearest best friend who will always be there for him. Yes, it is.
No matter what, just always remember that I will always be here for you, between the good and bad times, our friendship will remain as strong as always.
I will always love you, Kyoraku Shunsui. Keep that in mind… I love you, my best friend.