The Rules.
(They're more...guidelines, really.)
(Shut up, Tyson.)
Rule One: If Some Annoying Kid Keeps Following You Around Demanding A Battle, Hold Off For A While Before Agreeing.
Yeah, I know having the stupid little snots always whinging around your tail for a shot at you is annoying. Believe me, I know. But in the interests of coolness (valued above all else, obviously) you must make them wait. Pretend you're indecisive. That you have better things to do. If all else fails, explain to them with patient sarcasm (always a must) that they have to stand in line to get their asses kicked by you personally, on account of you're so awesome and popular. Don't say that last part, let them figure it out for themselves. Don't ever agree instantly to a challenge - no matter how bored you pretend to be by it, it still shows up the fact that you have nothing better to do with your empty, empty life.
Moving on.
Rule Two: As A Protagonist, You Ultimately Have Little To Fear From New, Giant, Impressively Furnished Organisations Owned By Supervillains Working Against You.
I know, they have better furniture, better technology, and probably cleaner locker rooms, but these massive corporations never last a whole season. Sometimes their uber-villain or whatever they call themself owners resurface, but hell if you aren't one of the good guys. You have the moral high ground. You are pretty much fricken' invincible - although not, I repeat, NOT, infallible. If you make some mistake you will inevitably bounce the hell back from it and take down Biovolt, Barthez Battalion, BEGA, or whatever it likes to call itself because you are the Morally Right Party. Hell yeah.
NOTE: If you are not one of the official good guys (ugh), STOP READING THIS and refer to the Evil Rules. You do not have the moral high ground. At all. Ever. That includes you, Garland.
Rule Three: Don't Worry About The Costume Designers.
So, you've just started a new season, it's all looking pretty sweet, and then BAM! Some bitchass art school reject draws you in bicep length gloves and turns your hair an even weirder colour. Do not concern yourself with this. If you act embarrassed about it, your rep will be more severely damaged by that than by the grey hair and evening gloves. Also, there's a fair chance everyone will just band together and will that entire season out of existence, if it's a shit job across the board. Though even dumb things like facepaint (seriously, what the fuck? Am I supposed to be a clown, or some kind of Aztec warrior, or what?) can be attractive, if you've got the cojones to carry it off. Unfortunately, if you don't, you'll be universally ridiculed, and not only by fans. I'll rip the shit out of you, too. It's a hard knock life, you damn emo.
Rule Four: Identify Yourself!
When joining a series, it's important to establish yourself as a character. This will greatly affect your future career inside and outside said series, so don't screw it up. Try making your grand entrance on top of a building, with the sun or moon behind you, and some outer item of clothing blowing dramatically in the wind. If it's possible, that one will set you up for life. Otherwise, try to make it cool. Being mysterious is good; any kind of laughter involving "fwa, fwa, fwa" is not. Overenthusiasm is just plain wrong (unless you're setting yourself up as Adorably Genki, like Max, in which case it's a must). Introducing yourself while wreathed in special effects and a booming declaration that nobody will ever be better than you is asking for trouble. You get the idea. If you find you have screwed up your grand intro - as I'm sure a few of you peons will - don't panic. You can always try for a Great Personal Revelation midseries, which will most likely also increase your fans because it gives them silly ideas about your great depth of character. Yay for you.
NOTE: Try not to set yourself up as too haughty. This was an error of my own earlier career; sure, it's good to have a dark past and mysterious habits, or whatever, but being too uptight is only going to end up with you singing ninety one million dumb novelty tunes on YouTube. Keep Weird Al Yankovic the fuck away from me.
Rule Five: Big Hair Is Not Just For The Eighties Any More.
It's true. The more ridiculous your hairstyle, the cooler that makes you, at least to a certain point. Examples: check out my 'do. Rounded at the back, grey whatthefuck in front, weird kinda halfassed ponytail thing to finish, and what do ya know, the fangirls love it. Not convinced? Check out some others. Rei's hair is pretty much physically impossible and resembles a tarantula eating his head, he's still fawned over by depraved teens. Garland's ponytail died six weeks ago and nobody noticed because of The Great Eyebrow Explosion on front of his head, but he's pretty popular. And my good Communist buddy Tala appears to have antennae coming out of his hairline, but he could still score in the fucking Bible Belt. You get me? Of course. Your hairstyle can even be a clue to your personality. Tyson's sucky baseball cap equals straightforward dumb teen. Max's bleached-out frizzy spikes equal classic mentally impaired scatty blonde. Hair predicted the ending of the BEGA arc, even; check out the Rocky Horror Ginger Show on my stupid adversary. Ginger people have no soul, remember? I rest my case.
Rule Six: It'll All End In Mansex And You Know It.
Shounen-ai is popular. Sooner or later, some deranged fangirl (or boy) will write you into a hot sticky sweat with their second favourite character of the same gender. Get over it. The situations you find yourself in will be either a bit of a plot twist, quite unlikely, or just downright impossible; remember, logic is not a word used by many fans. If you've established yourself as a strong-willed, outgoing, come-and-feel-my-fricken-biceps kind of character, you'll end up giving out the jerky ninety percent of the time. If you're more of a weepy, depressive or girly type - and for that other ten percent - just bend over and take it like a man. If you're just downright insane, it could turn out either way, but I don't like you anyway so get the fuck out of my office. You know who you are.
Rule Seven: Smoke And Mirrors Are Your Friends
Winning an animated battle, of any kind, is made more likely the more cool light effects, funkay moves, and transformation sequences you can incorporate into your screen time. Gigantic fireballs, floating across sparkly backgrounds, and explosions are all good omens. Zooming facial closeups, when very frequent, usually mean there's a bad moon rising - learn the signs. And for the love of all that's holy, when you really, really wanna win, take time out to angst in the middle of battle.
Rule Eight: It's Hard To Make A Comeback If You Haven't Been Anywhere.
If you're a protagonist - which you should be, if you're reading this, if not then kindly skip off and play a quick game of hide-and-go-fuck-yourself - then you will have to face trials. These trials are always time-consuming, frequently requiring a change in personal philosophy, and occasionally literal. But, being one of the Morally Right, you'll learn your damn lesson, or pretend to anyway, and come out of it A Better And Stronger Person. Just don't be too angst-ridden when you're down, because that only makes everyone want to kick your whiny emo face in.
Rule Nine: Be Magnanimous In Victory, Even If You Have The Urge To Yell "IN YOUR FACE!" Over And Over Again Until They Start Crying
I know, that urge is very strong at times. But you have to resist it. Think of your happy place, of song lyrics, of shellfish if it helps at all, just don't give in and start taunting your felled opponent. That will only lead to them coming back stronger, kicking your righteous ass into the floor like a fricken' piledriver, and then extending a gracious hand to help you up as they're revealed to be the rightful protagonist. And then you're fucked. You're not obliged to be nice, per se, just don't be an asshole. Shake their hand or coolly walk away if you have the moxie (and the fanbase) to do so. Just don't, whatever you do, crush their well-deserving faces into the dirt where they belong. Fangirls do have some morals, you know.
Rule Ten: If Your Opponent Is Glowing Purple And Giggling Psychotically, Do Not Attempt To Deal With The Situation Yourself.
Call for me, or some similar excessively powerful colleague, and run the hell away. People that glow and giggle are fucking psychopaths - mentioning no names, Brooklyn you goddamn schizo - and are only for well-established good guys, such as myself or Tyson, to beat the living hell out of. If we're not around, try distracting them by pointing out an exotic bird, shiny thing, or marijuana plant outside the nearest window, and then taking the opportunity to make your escape. (NOTE: These examples are the things that work in my series. Your personal psycho may be a little more difficult to distract with exotic wildlife/teh shiny/mind-altering substances. Learn what works.) If all else fails, find someone with a shotgun and have your lunatic adversary kindly disposed of. Sadly I wasn't allowed to do that in my series, but there's always Season Four...
Final Rule: Break The Rules!
Yeah, I just went there. The facts are, once you've made yourself into a conveniently indispensable character, you can get away with spouting pure, unadulterated bullshit once in a while. Get a group of you together and try playing Horrible Cliche Bingo once a season - some good phrases to try to sneak in are "So long as you're having fun, you're a winner"; "Just be yourself"; and the classic "Insert Name Here, I am your father/I'll always love you". See how far you can take it.
Other than that, you're on your own. (See? It's quite entertaining.) Anything else you'll have to cope with by yourself, and you can start by acting like you've got a pair - no, I don't care if you're a woman/shemale/androgynous blob - and not coming moping to me when you fuck up. In the philosophy of your life, I will pass down to you the teaching that my ugly Russian tutor passed down to me, which goes thusly:
"I don't give a shit. Leave me the hell alone."
...Capiche? Now get outta my O.R., newbie.
Notes:
This is what comes of feather-duster being forced to write advisory pamplets for her English coursework, folks. Forgive Kai his foul mouth and rambling. He seemed to think this was his therapy session...
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