Author's Note: The idea for this story came to me after I came back to the Normandy and talked to everyone after the Thessia mission. Shepard was super upset and didn't even get a real conversation from Kaidan; it seemed weird to me that he wouldn't say a word to comfort the woman he loves. Anyway, that really disappointed me, so I wrote this to make myself feel better. I've also expanded on Garrus being a comforting best friend, because Garrus is awesome. This contains minor spoilers for the Thessia mission and major spoilers for character deaths in ME3. Hope you like it!
Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Mass Effect belongs to the geniuses at BioWare. I'm just playing around with the greatness they've created.
"There's only so much death a person can take...before..."
"Before her friend picks her up, dusts her off, and tells her she's the best damn soldier he's ever met." Garrus takes in the sadness and anger on the face of the human woman beside him; his words earn a small smile from her, but her eyes still burn with pain and rage over what they've just been through on Thessia.
"Come on Shepard," Garrus says, clasping his hand on her shoulder and steering her out of the main battery. One eyebrow cocks up in confusion at him. "We're going to make you feel better."
"You going to get me drunk, Garrus?" Shepard quips, and Garrus chuckles softly as his friend's usual personality peeks through her stress.
"I've got something better in mind," the turian replies as he leads her into the elevator and hits the button to take them down to the shuttle bay.
Moments later the doors whoosh open revealing the huge shuttle bay of the Normandy SR-2. Shepard notes wryly that Garrus is still firmly grasping her shoulder as if afraid she'll bolt if he lets her, and he leads her into the big empty space in the middle of the bay where the crew keeps a sparring ring set up. The corner of Shepard's mouth lifts in a slight smirk; of course Garrus' plan to make her feel better would involve her punching the crap out of something.
"Get ready Shepard," Garrus tells her, leaving her in the middle of the mat and heading to Cortez's console at the end of the room. He watches for a second as she starts stretching and stops paying attention to him; then he hits the comm button on the panel.
"EDI, I need you to do something for me."
The voice of the AI issues from the console. "What is it you require, Garrus?"
Glancing once more at Shepard, Garrus answers quietly. "Keep an eye on Shepard and I down here in the shuttle bay. When you see her starting to tire out, send Kaidan down here, would you?"
"Certainly," EDI answers. "Would you like me to convey any particular message to Major Alenko when I send him down to you?"
Garrus considers that for a brief moment. "Just tell him it's for Shepard."
"Of course."
"Thanks EDI."
"You are welcome, Garrus."
The comm beeps off and Garrus makes his way back to the mat where Shepard is waiting. "What was that about?" she asks.
"Just getting EDI to run a quick check on the weapons systems," Garrus says, feeling a little guilty for lying to her. It's for her own good though, he thinks to himself.
"And here I thought you'd already calibrated those things to death."
Garrus chuckles. "Not quite."
Shepard's eyebrow quirks up again. "Normally you hate letting anyone else touch your weapons - even EDI."
Shit, Garrus thinks, she's catching my lie. He looks directly into her eyes. "Right now I've got more important things to worry about. Like helping a friend vent her anger."
Shepard's eyes soften and she smiles slightly. "Thanks Garrus. So causing bodily harm to one of my best friends is supposed to make me feel better?"
"That's assuming you can land a hit, Shepard," Garrus teases.
Her eyes spark with the challenge. "Bring it on, Vakarian."
They begin circling each other, each running through what they know about the other's fighting style. After a few warm-up blows, all of which are easily blocked, Shepard leaps back out of reach and flings a small biotic field at Garrus; having been expecting her to do so, the turian manages to duck out of the way of most of it.
"Damn," she says. "Am I really getting that predictable?"
"Only because I know you so well, Shepard."
"Guess I'll have to try harder then."
Twenty minutes later the pair of them are out of breath and sweaty; neither has been able to decisively defeat the other, but that's not what Garrus was after. The whole time they've been sparring, Garrus has been watching the anger slowly drain out of Shepard as she tires. He is just thinking that EDI ought to be calling Kaidan down here soon when the elevator doors swish open behind him and he can tell that it's Alenko there just by the look that flashes across Shepard's face. No one else brings that same light into her eyes.
Garrus lowers his guard as Shepard drops hers and turns to watch Kaidan cross the room towards them.
"Garrus? EDI said you wanted me to come down here but she didn't really say why."
Garrus shoots a glance at Shepard before returning his gaze to the human male in front of him. "I helped her work out most of her anger. Now it's your turn." With a nod to Shepard and a meaningful look at Kaidan, Garrus crosses the room and disappears into the elevator.
Kaidan closes the gap between himself and Shepard and places a hand on her arm. "How are you holding up, Shepard?"
She glances around, noting the presence of both James and Cortez nearby. "Not here," she says, taking hold of Kaidan's hand and pulling him into the elevator. She hits the button to take them up to her quarters. They spend the elevator ride in silence, Kaidan gently rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb as he studies her. Rather than the rage-filled woman who had stormed back onto the ship after Thessia, she now looks almost deflated.
The elevator stops and releases them onto the top deck of the Normandy. Shepard steps forward and opens the door to her cabin, and Kaidan follows her inside. As the door swishes closed behind them Kaidan wraps his arms around Shepard and holds her close to his chest. They stand there silently for a long moment until Shepard lets out a choked sob.
Kaidan pulls back just enough to look at her face, and for the first time since he met her he sees her start to cry. He is almost startled; Commander Shepard doesn't allow herself to cry. But then again, the woman standing before him right now isn't Commander Shepard; right now she is simply Shepard, simply...
"Maggie," he murmurs her first name softly. He calls her Shepard most of the time, but every once in a while when they're alone he uses her given name.
"Oh God, Kaidan," she whispers, clutching him tightly. He reaches up and gently brushes a tear off her cheek; she closes her eyes and leans into his touch.
"All those people," she says sadly. "I couldn't do a thing to save them."
His heart breaks a little at her words. He lifts her chin so she has to meet his eyes. "Listen to me," he says gently, but there is a firmness in his tone. "It's not your responsibility to save everyone, Shepard. No one can do that, not even you. I know you want to, you strive to; and that's one of the things I love about you. But people are going to die, and it's not your fault. You can't blame yourself."
Fresh tears spill from her eyes. "Sometimes it is."
"Nothing that happened on Thessia was your fault - that was the Reapers and the Illusive Man. There was nothing you could -"
"That's not what I meant, even though I should have done more down there."
Kaidan shakes his head and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "You did everything you could, Shepard. And that's more than most people could have done. What did you mean?"
"Ashley," she whispers almost inaudibly.
A couple of years ago that answer would have torn at Kaidan's conscience, but he had since come to terms with Ashley's death on Virmire and no longer felt guilty for living when she was killed. It seemed that Shepard had made no such peace with it, however.
"You had to make a call there, Shepard," he says softly. "There was no way to save both of us."
She shakes her head. "Not what I meant either. I chose you and I've never regretted saving your life. But if I'd never let her go with the salarians in the first place I wouldn't have had to make that choice. If I'd just kept all my people together I wouldn't have lost anyone."
Seeing the deep sadness in her eyes Kaidan thinks of all the people she's lost in her life. Ashley, Mordin, Thane, Legion, Jenkins, Pressly and the couple dozen crew members who died on the first Normandy, and before all that she'd lost everyone she knew on Mindoir. No one should have to shoulder that much loss, he thought.
"It's still not your fault, Shepard. None of it is. People are going to die no matter what you do, no matter what anyone does." He holds her gaze. "You have to focus on all the lives you've saved, and all the ones you're still going to save. Please, Shepard. Please don't blame yourself so much."
A small tearful smile crosses her lips. "Thank you, Kaidan. I can't make any promises, but I'll try." She reaches up and cups his cheek in her palm. "What would I do without you to keep me going?"
Kaidan leans down and places a soft kiss on her lips. "You'd do just fine. But you won't have to find out. I plan to stay by your side until you force me to leave."
"You're going to be here for a damn long time then," she says seriously.
Kaidan smiles. "Good," he says, capturing her lips with his once more.