Author's Note: Hello all! So, I really felt like I needed to write this to and for any of you who deal with anger like I do sometimes. As you read on the summary, this story represents the battle of anger many of us face almost everyday. Whenever I feel unspeakable rage, I always feel soothed and comforted by my Savior. All I need to do, is call out for Him in my time of need. I always feel peace after one of these spells. I hope you all realize that sometimes, anger and rage can come out of nowhere. There doesn't always have to be a reason why we get angry, because a lot of the time, the devil just loves to find a way to torment us in ways that we don't understand. I really hope that this story encourages all of you. Never be afraid or ashamed to run to Him. Trust me, He is always there for you. I myself have felt times when I thought He wasn't there, but I know He is, because He has delivered me on so many horrible occasions. Love you all! May God bless all of you and grant you the desires of your heart.
Disclaimer: I don't own Jesus but He does own me! (The two song lyrics on here were originally written by Dennis Jernigan. For those of you who haven't hear of Him, I strongly suggest you find his music, especially from the 80s and 90s, because it is uplifting and anointed. If you can't find it and want to hear it, write me a message and I will gladly send some of the songs over to you. Trust me, you'll want to hear more and more. )
Anger
It was there again…that unspeakable, almost uncontrollable rage. It wouldn't go away! I couldn't make it!
"WHY!? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY DAMNIT?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!" I screamed as I began to throw things around my room. I couldn't see what I touched as I grabbed anything I could and began to throw it into my wall. It sure was a good thing that my parents were on a date tonight, that my baby brother was asleep, and that my other eleven-year-old brother was way back in my parent's room playing video games.
None of them would've wanted to see me like this.
There was so much going through my mind; it was pure torment. I knew that the devil was toying with my mind again, but I didn't want the rage to go away. I WANTED to be angry with someone or something. I wanted my family, my friends, anyone to see how insane I really could be.
Oh yes, everyone thinks of me as sweet, beautiful, innocent, naïve Lauren with a heart full of love and compassion. Well, none of them had ever seen this side of me before. It was at times like these that I locked myself in my room and poured my anger out at everything so that no one else could see. My parents are the only ones who have ever witnessed one of my worst outbursts ever. I promised myself then and there that it would never happen again
But I was wrong. As I grew older, the random outbursts became a weekly thing. If I was lucky, I would sometimes go through very long periods of time without getting so angry. I didn't want anyone to have to suffer my rage, so I started to isolate myself whenever I felt it coming on. Many of my friends would try to help me when I'd tell them about my hidden rage, but only a few actually succeeded.
I really blamed myself…I knew God made me for a purpose, but so far, nothing seemed to be going right.
I have many wonderful friends, so it's not loneliness. A lot of my anger is over the fact that I've been waiting all of my life to find someone to love and be with, yet so far, no success. But that's not the only reason why I get this way. Not having a boyfriend makes me often accuse everything imperfect about myself.
I sobbed as one of my favorite songs, Good Enough, came on by Evanescence. The lyrics stirred within my heart as I listened. Even if my life has never been anywhere near as sad as Amy Lee's had been, I felt so many times that I could sympathize with her inner pain.
See, this is why I can't tell anyone of my problems and anger and frustration. All of my life, I've been blessed with an amazing family, friends, personality, talents, and beauty. However, that's another area I criticize myself the most. I am very tall, and I've been called beautiful many times. Heck, people have even asked me if I was a freaking model! As flattering as their questions and comments had been, I'm not the skinniest person in the world. I mean, to the eyes of others, one would I assume I was. However, I wasn't comfortable with my weight.
Now, this is the other area that the devil also loves to torment me in. All these years, I've been working so hard to lose weight and match my body perfectly with my face. Yet, nothing seems to work. "You're so ugly." I heard an evil voice whisper in my ear. "Why do you even bother to try looking good? Its no wonder men don't approach you; you're not skinny enough, pretty enough, or worth enough."
As much as I hated that voice, I allowed it to enter my mind and torment me. I believed every word it said to me, and began to glare at myself in my mirror. "YOU ARE NOT WORTH AN OUNCE OF ANYONE'S TIME!" I screeched at myself in the mirror. I began to shake at the sight of myself, horrified at my reflection. I began to pull my hair and shake my head wildly. "UGLY! FAT! UNWORTHY!" I chanted to myself insanely.
"AM I GOOD ENOUGH!?" I challenged, as I looked heavenward and glared at the ceiling, wishing so badly I could burn a hole into it with my stare. "AM I F GOOD ENOUGH?!" I screamed out every curse word I could think of. I didn't care if it was wrong, I was so angry at myself; so confused and frustrated that I couldn't be perfect.
"Why don't you just end your life right now Lauren? You'd be free of all this misery, and then maybe everyone you've ever known would really feel sorry for never treating you like the queen you are. All those people, who never included you in their popular groups at school, would feel bad at the news of your death and think, 'gee, I sure wish we had been nicer to Lauren and let her feel important like all us popular kids were.' Your parents would wish death upon themselves just to bring you back Lauren, and then they would realize how they should've been more compliant to your demands and your feelings when you poured yourselves out to them. They would all learn their lessons then wouldn't they?"
Even though I knew my parents were the opposite of everything the voice was whispering to me, I allowed myself to believe the lies I was being told, and felt my spirit and soul turn blacker and blacker. I looked at myself in the mirror again, and noticed that my complexion was very dark…almost evil looking. "Look at you." The voice whispered seductively in my ear. "You are a daughter of the night. Queen of darkness…and how beautiful you look in black my dear." In the mirror, I began to see a large, dark shadow appear behind me.
It was in the form of a tall, hooded figure. I should've been scared…I should've called immediately out to God, and prayed for deliverance from these demons that were tormenting me, but I didn't. I wanted the satisfaction of feeling beautiful, regardless of how evil I felt, or the price it would cost.
I smiled darkly at my reflection in the mirror, as the hooded figure wrapped its long, pale arms around my body. I closed my eyes as I felt the hands roam up and down my body. I could feel it coming on…the spirit of lust.
This was something else I was attacked with. Whenever I got angry like this, sometimes I would begin to feel lustful and imagine a man who would really love/want me for his own. I would read stories that were the closest thing that could satisfy my fleshly fantasies and desires. It was wrong, I knew it, and I would usually pray those feelings away; but not this time.
No, this time I wanted to feel every ounce of it, and feel beautiful no matter what the cost. For once, I didn't want to feel guilty for thinking sinful thoughts. For once, I didn't care.
When I opened my eyes again, my form looked thinner. However, the face that stared back at me was not the one that held light and happiness in its eyes. It was not the same face that God had molded with His hands. This face was ghostly pale, with an evil glint in its now red eyes. The luscious, blood red lips curled into a malevolent smile, which would be enough to bring anyone or anything to its knees with the power it contained. I was a dark beauty now, and I felt like a goddess.
The hood on the figure slipped down, revealing a devilishly handsome white face. My heart stopped at the site of him. His wicked smile sent shivers down my spine. "Hello Lauren..." He whispered musically in my ear.
I closed my eyes at the sound of his voice. It was so beautiful, so angelic, and so hypnotic. I could feel the pale hand slowly caress a trail down my throat. I shouldn't be enjoying this…I thought to myself, but my flesh screamed FINALLY! SOME AFFECTION!
"Oh, you know you like what you're feeling right now my dear." The voice whispered darkly in my ear, his pallid face wrapping around the side of my neck to rest on my shoulder. My breathing turned heavier as he began to trail cold kisses down my neck.
"Lauren...stop…" I could hear a gentle voice whisper in my ear. "Don't listen to his lies…he's trying to make you give in to your anger and lust. Don't listen my love." There it was. That beautiful voice that would always soothe me after one of my anger spells. I shivered involuntarily when I heard it. I didn't want to listen because I knew my anger would go away, and I wanted to stay angry so that everyone would fear me and treat me better.
Defiantly, I lifted my arms to caress the face of the being that held me. In the mirror, he smiled in triumph; his teeth white and pointy like a vampire. I smiled in return at the couple I saw standing in the mirror.
"Lauren, come back to me my love. You know I love you more than anyone ever could. You don't need this, what he's offering you. Would you really sacrifice yourself to accept the beauty he's offering you?"
I twitched in the stranger's arms, uncomfortable with the words I was hearing.
"It may look alluring right now my beloved," the beautiful voice continued to speak gently, "but it is the world's view of beauty that he's dangling in front of your face. You don't need that my darling…you are beautiful the way I made you. "
I glared at myself in the mirror, trying to shake the voice out of my head. I don't need you. My thoughts retorted angrily. I had never been beautiful until now. I've always been ugly! Why did you even bother to make me Lord?! YOU MADE ME UGLY!!
Tears burned in my eyes as I thought of this. The being that held me looked up when feeling my tears. His smile drooped and took on an expression of fake sympathy. "Aww. Shh shh shh." He whispered soothingly while lifting his cold hand to wipe my tears away. "No tears my lovely black rose. Now that I'm here, you'll never have to cry again. I can teach you to control your anger by letting it sink in. I can help you become strong enough to fight back your unruly tears, and simply laugh the pain away. All you have to do is follow me."
"NO!!" The other voice roared upon hearing this. I could hear the voice more clearly now. It sounded like it was right next to me, but for some strange reason, I couldn't see the source of the voice in the mirror. I tried to turn my head, but the pale hand that was caressing it had tightened its hold on me.
I looked back at the man questionably in the mirror, and paled when I saw his expression. His eyes had flashed a bloody shade of red, and his lips were curled into a cruel snarl, showing his fangs.
"She's mine!" He growled out at nothing in the mirror.
"She was never yours Satan! Let my daughter go!"
I began to shake at the sound of that other voice again. My mind began to struggle with itself. It wanted to go to that voice, but guilt, awkward pleasure, and stubbornness held me back.
The being's grip tightened around me, and I started to lose my breath. Yet still, somehow, I was enjoying the feeling of being held by this evil, handsome specter.
'"You can't take her from me! She chose to let anger take over her soul! She chose to let me in! She's not worthy of you! I can give her what she desires, at least if she's willing to obey me, and then I can prey upon her later when I'm finished with her." All color drained from my face at these words, and I snapped out of my ecstasy in an instant. I began to struggle against the grasp as it held me firmly.
"Oh, no no no, my little slave," A hand grabbed my hair in a painful grip, and jerked my head back so that I couldn't move. "You can't escape me pretty one. You. Belong. To. Me…" The voiced growled in my ear, his cold breath chilling me to the bone. The pain in my scalp caused me to whimper in pain. Why was this affectionate spirit suddenly being so cruel towards me? I wanted to be comforted, and was hoping to hear another one of those soothing phrases that would bring me back to my happy place, but all I got was an unfeeling scoff. All feelings of lust and pleasure began to fade, as fear took its place.
I slowly began to realize that I didn't want anything to do with this evil devil. I knew that Jesus was standing there, but I still couldn't see Him in the reflection of my mirror. In fact, I could hardly move my head at all, as my neck was held captive by Satan's strong hold.
"Help…me…" I pleaded quietly, finally humbling myself to ask the Lord for help.
However, the devil just laughed at my choked plea and sneered at me. "Oh, and now you're suddenly sorry that you chose me over your Lord? Well, hate to break it to ya little girl, but it's kinda late for that. You're my slave now!"
My eyes widened in horror at the sound of his evil laugh. Somehow, I managed to slowly and painfully turn my head to look this devil in the eyes. However, what I saw before me then was not what I saw in the mirror.
I screamed in terror at the sight of his distorted, twisted red face. Words could never describe how truly hideous and horrifying he looked to me. One would have to think of their worst fears, add them all together, and then apply them as a face to understand what I saw.
I felt a gruesome claw clap over my mouth, muffling my scream. My eyes were turned back to the mirror, where the reflection of the beautiful stranger still lingered.
Tears began to spill over my cheeks as I realized that the reason why this evil spirit was beautiful to me in the mirror was because I was blind by the sinful and angry thoughts in my heart. I let Satan take over my heart, and I only saw what he wanted me to see because I was listening to him. However, it took one single glance behind me to realize the realistic truth…nothing evil can be beautiful. As the Bible says, "the devil comes as an angel of light."
I gagged at the foul smell that came from the decaying flesh of his hand. My consciousness began to fade, and I almost welcomed the darkness as it began to overtake me.
"Let. Her. Go." A beautiful, stern voice commanded, bringing me out of my stupor. Immediately, my eyes snapped open and I could see Jesus standing right in front of Satan with an angry glare on his face.
Satan licked his lips as he smiled evilly. "If you want her, come and claim her!" He challenged defiantly.
Jesus' eyes narrowed, and before I could blink, He had my hands withheld in His own. He began to pull at my wrists, but Satan would not relinquish his hold that was now around my waist.
Jesus continued to pull harder at me, and I grunted as I felt Satan's claws dig into my skin while desperately trying to hold me back.
My eyes met Jesus. His focus was purely on me. He wanted me to be safe and warm in His arms. I could read it on the loving expression in His eyes. "Come to me my love…" He whispered for my ears only. Instantly, I felt ashamed for challenging Him in the first place, and rebelling against Him when I allowed anger and rage to take over my heart. I knew I was His, but sometimes it took situations like this to get it through my thick skull.
"Don't let Him win darling…" He whispered again. My cheeks turned a bright red at His love name for me, and I turned my eyes downcast as tears rolled down my cheeks. How could He still hold so much love for me after I nearly rejected Him as my Lord; my father; best friend; my brother; my beloved?
My body shook with sobs as this intense version of tug-o-war continued; I was the prize.
My eyes widened in fear as Satan growled out to me, "You can never escape me you smutty wretch!!" As if to make his point, the devil's claws dug deeper into my waist; drawing large amounts of blood.
I screamed in agony at this tortuous feeling.
"LORD HEEELP MEEEE!!" I cried out, desperate to feel the warmth of my savior's love again.
How could I have been so stupid?! How could I really be so naïve and believe the words of the 'father of lies?' Jesus was the only one who loved me perfectly in the world, and He had a plan for my life, yet I doubted Him because of one little lie the devil spoke in my ear.
I looked up at Jesus again, and saw Him smile in triumph. When I looked behind me, I saw that Satan had a furious expression on his face. "NO! YOU CAN'T TAKE HER FROM ME! SHE DISOBEYED AND REBELLED AGAINST YOU! YOU SHOULD LET HER SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF HER OWN ACTIONS!!"
I felt the devil's grip loosening from around my waist as he realized he was losing.
Jesus drew closer to me while looking at the devil. "SATAN!!" He roared forcefully, startling me greatly. "I CAME INTO THE WORLD TO SAVE IT, NOT CONDEMN IT! I MADE LAUREN! SHE GAVE HER LIFE AND HEART TO ME BEFORE SHE EVER KNEW YOU! SHE. IS. MINE!! AND SHE KNOWS THAT NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES, I WILL NEVER STOP LOVING HER!! I TOOK HER SINS LONG AGO SATAN! NOW LET. HER. GO!!"
I heard a terrible scream of pain, as Satan released his hold over me and stumbled backwards. Instantly, I felt strong arms capture me and I knew I was safe. When I looked back again at the beast that had me earlier, I saw that he was quickly disintegrating in the middle of my room.
In a flash of brilliant white light, he was gone.
I was in shock at all that had just happened, and I felt myself return to its normal state again. I cried out when I remembered the gash on my waist, and began another round of sobs as I held on limply to my Savior.
"Shh shhhhh…." I heard Him whisper soothingly in my ear as He picked me up and walked over to my bed. I felt so little in His strong arms, and I just wanted to stay there forever. However, the shame I still felt from being so awful towards Him earlier caused my sobs to increase uncontrollably.
Jesus sat on my bed, settling me into His lap as He cradled me close. "Shhh shhh…Hush my precious one. Lauren, I'm right here. I'm. Right. Here. You're safe now my darling, I'll never let you go."
He gently began to rock me back and forth as I lay crying in His embrace. "I hurt…" I choked out, trying to regain my breath. I felt His hand move towards the gash in my waist. I whimpered when he covered the wound with His hand, but gradually relaxed as He breathed, "Be healed."
Instantly, the pain was gone.
Relieved, I exhaled slowly at the feeling of peace that penetrated through my body.
"Thank you." I whispered while looking into His eyes.
Upon looking at the loving smile He gave me, guilt and shame filled my heart again and I turned my eyes downcast once more.
Tears filled my eyes, and I covered my face with my hands, not wanting my Lord to look upon this sinner He was lovingly holding at the moment.
"Don't look at me Lord, I'm not worthy of you." I sobbed out. I wanted to jump out of His arms, but I was trembling too much and His firm grip kept me from going anywhere.
I could feel His stare upon me. Although I knew his gaze wasn't unkind, it still felt like a hole was being burnt through my head. I was embarrassed when I remembered that He could also read my thoughts. There's no hiding from Him… I thought to myself.
As if to confirm my theory, He chuckled quietly at my hearing the words go through my mind.
I shuddered involuntarily at His chuckle. How could He stand to be near me? I was so worthless, ugly, and unimportant.
"Beloved, look at me." I heard Him say as He gently pulled my hands away from my face. My eyes were still shut though, as I was too afraid to look into those beautiful eyes of His.
"Lauren…Look. At. Me." He repeated patiently, though it was more of a command this time. I willed myself to open my eyes, but I still couldn't look at His perfect face.
I felt His hand tenderly grasp my chin, tilting my face up to meet His gaze. When I looked into His eyes, I saw unadulterated love flowing through them. I couldn't tear my eyes away from Him now.
"Beloved," He began to say quietly, "never, ever say that about yourself again do you understand? You are my daughter, my perfect creation, my beloved, and I love you more than anyone else ever could. Now, repeat after me…I am beautiful."
My lips quivered as I repeated His words. "I am…b-beautiful."
"You are mine." He added with fatherly authority.
"I am yours…" I breathed, feeling happier at admitting that.
"I love you very much, and I will never forsake you."
Tears gathered up in my eyes again, but this time, they were of joy and not guilt. "You love me very much, and you will never forsake me."
He nodded and smiled down upon me when I finished speaking those positive words. He planted a soft kiss on my forehead before saying, "I want you to speak that over yourself every day in the morning before you do anything my child. Can you do that?"
My eyes lit up and I smiled happily as I nodded my head. "I will Father, I promise."
Jesus continued to smile, and planted another kiss upon my forehead before tightening his hold on me. I snuggled deeper into His embrace and sighed in content. "Father? Can you ever forgive me for my foolishness?" I asked shyly, not wanting to meet His gaze.
"I already have my precious jewel." He replied kindly while stroking my cheek affectionately. I stared up at Him in wonder as He continued to lavish every ounce of love into my being. I felt so warm, and my heart no longer felt hurt or dark.
"Never forget that you can always come to me when you are hurting or angry my love. I am not here to condemn you, but to help and love you through your trials. Always remember that."
I nodded my head obediently. "I'll remind myself that if it ever happens again Father."
"I'm always here for you sweetheart. Don't be afraid of me."
I could only beam at His words of encouragement and affirmation. I was so happy to be His child; His beloved; and someday His bride with all the other Christians in Heaven.
"By the way maiden, do not worry about your husband. I already have Him for you, and He is waiting to meet you very soon. You just need to trust that my timing is perfect, and not allow your mind to get consumed by lustful thoughts."
I looked up excitedly. "Really? Oh Lord thank you!" I exclaimed enthusiastically before throwing my arms around His neck and kissing His cheek. "I've always known that He was out there, I just…I guess my flesh had a moment of weakness, and I began to fantasize and think things that I ordinarily wouldn't dream of thinking. Maybe I'm just not patient enough."
I could feel Jesus' chuckling softly. "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, isn't it my dear? Lauren, it's ordinary for you and everyone else to have a moment of weakness. Nobody is perfect you know except for me."
I nodded solemnly in understanding. "I just wish I couldn't make sooo many stinking mistakes!" I growled in frustration.
I felt Him take my chin in His hand again, and tilt it up toward His smiling eyes. "Well, that's why you have me, my rose. I'm always ready to forgive and comfort you after your moments of weakness. Never think for a moment that I will push you away. I'll say it again and again if I have to beloved: I will never leave you nor forsake you. No matter what you do, no matter how far away you stray from me; I'm always going to be there for you. I'll always be ready to take you back with open arms when you need me. You'll never truly be taken away from me, because your heart already belongs to me beloved."
I felt goose bumps shoot up my arms when hearing these words of promise; this declaration of love; this comforting balm of peace and healing. I smiled and blushed at the same time while gazing lovingly into His beautiful eyes. What a wonderful maker…what a wonderful Savior.
"Thank you…" I whispered gratefully while resting my head on His shoulder.
"You are most welcome." He replied with tender affection.
As we sat there, embracing each other, I felt the urge to somehow show Jesus how much I loved Him. Although I knew that nothing could compare to His gifts, and nothing I ever did would be enough to prove my love for Him, I felt like I needed to use the very gift He gave me to show Him my gratitude. So, I began to sing.
"Your love is too pure, to ever force me to love you.
But Lord, this is my heart's true desire…
To love you beyond my human reason,
Burn it deep into my heart, with your love's holy fire.
I love you…just because of who you are.
I love you…jut because of who you are.
You're love is more pure than the falling rains,
Human words, Lord cannot explain.
To love you beyond my human reason,
Burn it deep into my heart, with your love's holy fire."
I knew it was the least I could give Him, because He was too beautiful and perfect for a simple gift from a sinner like me. However, He looked at me with tears in His eyes, and had the brightest smile I'd ever seen before replying, "That was beautiful. I could never be happier with such a pure, beautiful gift my darling."
I was taken back by His words. I then remembered that He made my heart white as snow, and that His dying on the cross for my sins was what made it possible for us to even have a relationship. To Him, my voice, that song of praise, the very talent He had bestowed upon me, was the most precious gift I could ever give Him.
"Now, it's my turn." I heard Him whisper in my ear. I became excited with wonder at what He was going to do for me. "I don't deserve your gifts Lord." I whispered humbly.
"Shhhhh…" He soothed while cradling my head close to His neck. "I want to give you a gift my beloved. All I need you to do is relax, close your eyes, and accept it. Will you do that for me?"
I sighed a little reluctantly, yet still very happy at being offered such a blessing from the King of Kings Himself. "Okay, if you wish it Father." I replied with a tired smile.
He then lovingly stroked my face, and began to rock me. At peace, I willed myself to close my eyes and wait for His gift.
My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when I heard His golden voice begin to sing a song of love just for my ears. It was hard to keep my eyes closed as I listened to the words He sang, for they were priceless, and more precious than gold or silver. Tears streamed own my eyes as He sang, and I could feel Him wipe them away as He continued to sing and rock me.
"I'll have no other, for I love you only,
I'll never forsake you, or leave you alone.
Here in my arms you'll always be,
At rest in the precious love I have for you.
I love you, oh how I love you…I love you, oh how I love you…"
As those treasured words swirled around and through me, I felt myself fall asleep in my true love's arms.
"I love you, oh how I love you…I love you, oh how I love you."
The End