Title: Not Good, Not Good At All
Author: Eärillë
Number: I22
Challenges:
1. Occupations: Apothecary
2. Weather: Hurricane
Summary:
The (mis)adventures of an ordinary teenage girl, from the beginning until… well, until the end, that is.
Rating: G
Warnings: abundant absurdity, first draft, mild swearing
Characters: OFC, OMC
Genres: Crackfic
Place 1: unspecified
Place 2: Rohan: Eastfold
Timeline 1: Third Age: unspecified
Timeline 2: Modern Era: unspecified
Word Count (in MS Word): 1,577
Disclaimer: The author does not mean insult to the Lord of the Rings films by Peter Jackson, nor to the people who like/love them and prefer them over the books. She only wanted to do some harmless fun with her poor, poor OFC.
Notes: The lack of detailed description and Legolas' proper name (Leggie?) are intentional, but the Mary-Sue bashing is not really intentional. The author just wanted to present people with her imagination of how an ordinary teenage girl with no clue – let alone knowledge – of Arda would cope in Arda-environment. People tend to dismiss what they see for various reasons, and it also happens here, hence the lack of details. (The point of view is third person limited, so we are seeing directly from the teenager's point of view.)
Not Good, Not Good At All
1. What Job Is That?
Anna strutted towards the building at the distance boasting the sign "Arda Bureau: Arda Express, Possible Occupations ETC." She would get her dream soon! She did not know where she was, or what the building was for, but she faintly remembered the word "Arda" from the film series she loved so much: The Lord of the Rings. With some luck, she would meet her Leggie soon…
Hesitating on the threshold just briefly, she pushed the glass door inward and looked into the dimly-lit room inside. Air conditioner fended off the summer heat, and overall the room was structured like her mother's stuffy office. Well, at least her mother was not here and berating her about skimpy clothes and too much make-up. (Bah, as if she had never been young once…)
A receptionist welcomed her opposite the door. Anna strode confidently to her and asked, "Wanna go to Middle-earth, Miss. How to get there?"
The receptionist looked long at her. Anna scowled. Before she could snap at the rude woman though, the said rude woman said, "Transportation can be arranged, Miss. Where do you want to go and what occupation would you like to have to earn your living there?"
Transportation? Occupation? Bleh, adults and their big words. "What's that occu- thing?"
The receptionist dared look funnily at her—! Anna glared sulkily, and only then did the receptionist finally said, "Occupation, Miss. Job? Work? We've got the list here. Would you like to look at it?"
Still glaring, Anna stuck out her hand pompously over the desk for the mentioned list. The receptionist reached beneath her desk then drew her hand back, revealing a big book which she proceeded to dump on Ana's outstretched hand. A damn big book the size of Anna's hated textbook for Science. Damn and double damn!
She let out all the swearwords she had learnt over the years, quietening only when the receptionist glared at her. Looking down, she thumped the huge monstrosity on the desktop and roughly yanked the cover open with a sulky pout. What kind of jobs were offered there, anyway? Why did she need a job if she would involve herself in the Fellowship of the Ring and gain Leggie's love in the process?
Hmm. Was "warrior" listed in the book?
"…Bard, Butcher – Chandler, Chemist, Cobbler – Where's the damn warrior here?"
"Well, you can find it on the W section, Miss, not on the C section."
Must the receptionist smirk so? Meanie.
After much struggling, in which the receptionist seemed to pretend not knowing, Anna finally found the section and began to search diligently there. When she came to the job she wanted though, it was crossed out by a red line. "Why's it crossed?" she asked, confused.
"That would mean that it has been taken by other people and there is no space left, Miss."
Anna felt like wanting to throw the thrice-damned, useless huge monstrosity across the room. The only thing that stopped her was the receptionist's forewarning glare. How would she get to Leggie and impress him, then? She would wail out her frustration and growing depression, but she could hear somebody entering the room like she had, and that would mean her time was quickly running out. (The newcomer may be her rival.) She had to claim a job before anybody else beat her to it and got a headstart to claiming Leggie's love too. She could vent her frustration later, preferably in Leggie's visinity and hopefully gaining his sympathy in the process.
She went back hurriedly to the beginning of the terrifying list and reread the options. Which seemed cool enough to attract Leggie's attention and his admiration? Perhaps odd-sounding jobs would do? Not Astronomist then; she vaguely remembered it from one of her textbooks.
Hmm. What was an apothecary? Was it good? Would Leggie like her doing that kind of job?
She looked up and frowned. "I'll take the Apo-one, then," she decided.
The receptionist raised her eyebrows but said nothing. She just made a notation on a scrap of paper before marking the list on the word "Apothecary." She then said, "We're set to go now. Where do you want to go, Miss?"
Various places from the scenes on the films passed Anna's mind eye, dizzying her with dilemmas. Where should she go? Rivendell? But the stuffy Elrond was there. The Golden Wood? Ah, Haldir… Could be, but she did not remember any action there. Not fun. She wanted to be where the action was, preferably when Leggie was around and saved her from danger. Then—
"May I suggest Rohan, Miss?" The receptionist interrupted her thoughts.
Floundering, Anna could only gape dumbly for a long moment. "Wha?" What had the woman said?
Apparently guessing her confusion, the receptionist repeated in a sloer tone, "I would recommend Rohan for you, Miss. If you like horses, it's the best place to be. Also, if you love the plains—"
"I know where Rohan is, thank you very much," Anna snapped, insulted by the receptionist tone and the perceived mockery of her knowledge. "I'll take it then." Leggie was so handsome on horseback on The Two Towers… Sad really, that the beardy runt must be in the scene as well. Why did Leggie have to choose such an ugly creature as companion? Well, no matter, he would soon choose her over the dwarf when he met her in Rohan. Now when would he come there in the film, again? She forgot…
2. Go, Go with the Wind
"Oi, Missy! You're still abroad here? Not scared of the highwind, eh?"
— Damn woman. Instead of putting her with Leggie and his crew, the receptionist had apparently tweaked with the strange round devise that she said was a world-teleportation transport called "Arda Express", sending her to this grassland in the middle of nowhere. (It was damn huge! It did not look so huge – nor so intimidating – on the films…) Now, instead of meeting Leggie, she encountered a ragged-looking, smelly shepherd and his flock of noisy, smelly sheep.
"What highwind?" she squeaked. Two of the smaller sheep were circling her, sniffing and occasionally licking at her skin. (Now she wished she had worn a less-open clothing. Icky!)
The shepherd raised his golden eyebrows in obvious confusion. "Don't you smell the wind, Lady? The highwind's coming, and I'm returning to my homestead with my lovelies here. Don't you have anywhere to go? Where's your escort?"
"I'm eighteen! I'm a full adult already! I don't need a damn escort," Anna griped, offended. The eyebrows rose higher on the shepherd's forehead on hearing her admition and swearword, but he said nothing. Shrugging, he continued his way after calling the terrorising two bundles of wool back to him. Not even an apology for her now slobbery arms… Rude, stinking, dirty, shabby—!
Anna stomped away awkwardly on her high-heels on the loose soil, wading through tall grasses that seemed to be too happy to trip or tangle her. Only five minutes of inward seething afterwards did she realise that she had forgotten to ask the shepherd where Medusild was. Well, she would reach the city anyway if she continued walking, right? The shepherd must have only tried to scare her when he had said about the "highwind." The films did not say anything about something like a tornado or hurricane anywhere in Middle-earth.
She continued walking, growing more tired by the minutes and of course getting dirty from the flying bits of dirt and the dust and the grass-blades entangled in her legs – and some even in her waist-long hair.
And then the breeze picked up power, going damper and chillier. But she kept walking, now trudging listlessly and looking just down to the sea of swaying grass before her.
The wind got even stronger, whistling in her ears and whipping her hair around in a frenzy, and only then Ana looked up.
She let out a shrill squeal and promptly sat down, trying to hide among the grasses – or better, in the ground. She had been forced to watch a documentary film about winds along with her Science class one day, but oddly now she still remembered some of it.
And she realised that what was coming rapidly to her was the head of a hurricane.
Before long, her desperate, terrified squealing was lost in the whistling and rumbling of the promised hurricane, and she was drenched from head to toe as well as deafened. A stronger ghust of wind buffeted her, and she was airbourne in an instant, flapping uselessly under the tender mercies of the dreadful storm.
3. Where Am I?
Anna flung herself away from her initial position, yelling with utter fright. The surface beneath her bounced, aiding her endeavour, but then sheets tangled her limbs in a hopeless knot – and she struggled madly with all her might, wailing harder with a new terror.
Footsteps hurried closer, and then the door was jerked open hastily.
"Honey, what's wrong?"
… Her mother?
Anna went limp among the sheets, curling up and sobbing brokenly. She was safe! She had never felt any happier than this on seeing her mother. Her mother was here, so everything had only been a dream – a nightmare – and she was safe from the hurricane. She would not fight with her mother again about "skimpy clothes"! Anything, anything to forget the horror named Evil Middle-earth… Leggie had not even been there.