Author's Note:
This is just a weird idea I had the other day. I was babysitting and watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and this idea sort of flitted in and wouldn't leave. So I've been working hard so I could post it in time. I know it's really weird but I hope that you all get a kick out of it. I don't even know if they celebrate something that can be compared to Christmas in Middle Earth but I ask that you all suspend your disbelief. It's based off my other Lord of the Rings story, Things As They Should Be: By Legolas, (which I promise to update soon).
Thanks for reading and reviewing and have a great holiday season!
Disclaimer:
I don't own Lord of the Rings or Christmas, (does someone own Christmas?). I sort of own the Things As They Should Be thing, but I don't think that counts and I'm not making money off this at all.
Christmas As It Should Be
It was that happy time of year where everybody joined together to eat and exchange presents while they contemplated all that they were thankful for. This year Aragorn and Arwen were the unlucky ones to play host for the Christmas Season. Aragorn had spent weeks making sure that everything looked polished and festive, (in order to show Elrond that he and Arwen were happy and all that junk).
Aside from Elrond they had invited many of their other friends. The four hobbits had made the trip from the Shire, Sam had even brought his new wife Rosie. Gimli had come as well as Legolas and Thranduil. Glorfindel, Elladan, and Elrohir had come with Elrond. Gandalf had come also. Eomer had come to visit with his sister, (as she and Faramir were also there). Even the ghosts of Denethor and Boromir had come. Galadriel, Celeborn, and Haldir were also among the guests.
It was Christmas Eve when things became… unusual. After a glorious meal everyone had hung their stockings, (the fireplace was very crowded), and sat around the fireplace together sipping cider, hot chocolate, and eggnog.
"You know," Pippin spoke up as he munched down yet another brightly decorated cookie, "we should read a Christmas story before we go to bed." This was met by murmurs of agreement and consent on all sides.
"What story should we read?" Faramir asked. The Ghost of Denethor mumbled something about fire and Boromir handed him another ghost Christmas cookie. (AN: Don't ask me, I don't know what I'm writing.)
Several other people offered their suggestions. Then Aragorn cleared his throat.
"I believe I have just the story for this occasion," he announced, "and if you do not mind I will read it aloud to you all." Naive and unaware of the horrors in store for them everyone agreed. Aragorn cleared his throat and began.
The Ranger Who Saved Christmas
"Uh oh," muttered Legolas, recognizing the look in Aragon's eyes.
"Oh dear," Galadriel said.
The rest of the group, however, was a little slower on the uptake. The next sentence would clear all of that up though.
Every year on Christmas Elrond would fly around all of Middle Earth delivering presents to all of the children.
"Some how I believe I would have remembered that," Elrond commented while Elrohir and Elladan cracked up completely at the idea. Even Arwen was chuckling, (though a lot quieter then her brothers).
"Has Aragorn been drinking all of the liquor supplies?" Faramir asked.
"Too bad," Gimli grunted glaring down at his eggnog, "I could use something stronger now."
"This will end badly," Celeborn predicted.
To help make the toys he relied on all of the elves.
All of the elves in the room had gone very quiet. For it is a great insult to confuse awesomely good looking, (not to mention very tall) elves of Middle Earth with the small servants of Santa who make the toys.
"I don't remember seeing anyone making toys in Rivendell," the Ghost of Boromir said quietly to his brother. Celeborn, who was sitting rather close to Boromir, twitched violently. Faramir rolled his eyes but otherwise refrained from comment.
In Rivendell there also lived a human. He had grown up with the elves though they had never accepted him as one of them. They constantly teased the man, as they were insanely jealous of his rugged good looks.
"They were jealous of him?" Eowyn asked sarcastically.
"That is my husband you are talking about," Arwen growled.
Many of the elves called him 'Smelly' behind Elrond's back as they knew that it hurt his feelings deeply.
"Smelly Aragorn," Legolas smiled fondly.
"Somehow I get the feeling that this is all your fault," Gandalf said turning to Legolas.
"Who me?" the elf responded widening his blue eyes innocently.
"Careful there Legolas," cautioned Thranduil, "you're eyes will pop out if you are not careful."
"You drove my husband insane!" Arwen accused Legolas.
"It wasn't my fault," Legolas defended himself, "I was driven insane first!"
"Next year we spend Christmas with my family," Rosie whispered to Sam who nodded his agreement whole heartedly.
"Can we join you?" Merry asked.
"We're sane," Pippin added, "we swear!"
"Yeah," Frodo muttered sarcastically, "and I'm a ringwraith."
"Well you almost were one," Merry pointed out, while Pippin stuck his tongue out at Frodo. The two of them continued to make faces at each other until Aragorn interrupted them by continuing with his story.
No matter how hard Aragorn worked at making toys the elves just continued to insult him, saying that he didn't make toys half as well as they did.
"Do I look like a fat midget who lives at the North Pole making children's toys?!?" Glorfindel roared. There were several bulging veins visible and those sitting near him began to inch away.
"Yeah," Elladan added, "we are sophisticated and wise beings."
"At least most of us are," Arwen added with a look at her brothers. They shot her identical glares. Arwen serenely ignored them, used to their antics after all the years she'd known them.
"The hobbits are more like Santa's elves then we are," Haldir pointed out. Sam's face turned red and he turned slowly to face Haldir.
"You don't want to go there pointy ears," Sam said in an uncharacteristically threatening voice as all of the other hobbits glared at Haldir.
Their horrible, horrible meanness made poor, poor Aragorn so, so sad that it made him feel like crying and crying.
"Did, did it, it?" Eomer mocked. The Ghost of Boromir proceeded to pretend to cry, picking up the mockingness Eomer had started as he did.
"The, the elves are mean, mean to poor me, me," the ghost/man cried causing everyone to laugh all the harder. Even Denethor laughed happily, clapping his hands at his favorite son's antics. Aragorn, in turn, glared at all of them. In a huff he continued to read.
Then one day, a few weeks before Christmas, the SMELLY smelly SMELLY elf Legolas arrived to join the elves at Rivendell and assist them in their toy making.
"I sense some hostility here," Thranduil chuckled watching as his son's face tightened. Those who knew Legolas and his freakish cleanness laughed at the thought of Legolas being smelly.
"Ha, ha," Gimli managed to say through his laughter, "smelly elf."
Legolas brought his pet Gimli with him.
"Why you smug faced ungrateful human," Gimli roared going from laughing to spitting mad in less then a millisecond. The dwarf was forcibly restrained by those nearest to him as he tried to attack Aragorn. "I am no being's pet you stupid smelly ranger!"
Gimli was a smelly pet dwarf who stayed at Legolas' side constantly.
Gimli began to curse even more foully drawing on all of the phrases he could recall from all languages. Elladan whistled, deeply impressed, and even Aragorn couldn't help but be awed, (though he did not show it).
Legolas, however, was truly horrible at making toys. Aragorn tried to help the elf, being the nice guy that he was, but the vain, mean Legolas merely scoffed at the oh so wise man.
"Of course I can not make toys," Legolas sighed with a grin, "I am not from Rivendell. Everyone knows it is the elves of Rivendell who make the toys."
"We do not make toys!" Arwen, Glorfindel, Elrond, Elrohir, and Elladan yelled as one at Legolas, coming closer to screaming then any elf has ever come before.
"Just when did Aragorn become 'oh so wise' exactly?" Eowyn asked.
"Probably at the same time he became a master toy maker," sniggered Haldir.
"When oh when will I learn never to accept invitations or pleas for help form any of you people?" Frodo lamented. "Gandalf why didn't you stop me?" The wizard looked over at Frodo sharply.
"Do you think I am any happier to be here?" he asked. "I could not have foreseen that this atrocity would occur!"
"But you should have," Frodo whined, "you're older."
"He brings up a good point," Galadriel commented.
"Well you're older then me," Gandalf snapped. Lady Galadriel looked murderous but the wizard, (who should really learn not to insult ultra-powerful elf people), was saved by Aragorn. The King felt that everyone's attention had been away from him for long enough.
Elrond called a meeting of all of the toy making elves a week before Christmas eve. He brought a special request. He told them that his daughter, Arwen, was feeling sad and needed the perfect present to cheer her up.
"Feeling blue sister?" Elrohir asked as Elladan practically giggled uncontrollably.
"Shut up," she muttered hiding her face in her hands.
Merry and Pippin proceeded to lead the whole group in a rousing chorus of, "If You're Happy And You Know It". They same the whole song, as well as a few verses that the two hobbits had made up on the spot. Only Aragorn and Arwen decided not to join in with the singing.
All of the elves of Rivendell worked hard to make the perfect present for Arwen, hoping to win Elrond's gratitude and respect.
"All you need to get that is some fine wine," Thranduil confided in the group. Elrond growled glaring at the elf King, who adopted the innocent wide eyed gaze that Legolas had used earlier.
"Now I see where he gets it from," Celeborn whispered to Galadriel.
Legolas was working especially hard since he had fallen very deeply in love with Arwen.
"Legolas," Arwen grinned, "I'm flattered."
"Arwen and Legolas sitting in a tree," Merry sang.
"K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Pippin finished.
Gimli didn't really know what was going on because he was so very dumb-
"…pound your skull in using your own crown…" the dwarf was muttering as he twitched violently.
- but he worked hard anyway to please his master.
"The dwarf seems like a very intelligent individual," Rosie commented, "I do not see him being so easily bended by the will of another."
"Well I am very charismatic," Legolas told her with a charming grin.
"Thank you very much for the compliment," Gimli said to Rosie ignoring his elvish friend, "Sam is very lucky to have married you." The two hobbits held hands which was met by a chorus of "awww"s from the whole group, (excluding Merry and Pippin who were making gagging motions).
But our hero-
"Gimli!"
"Legolas!"
"Elrond!"
"Frodo!"
"You are not even in the story," Celeborn pointed out to Frodo.
"But I did save all of Middle Earth from certain defeat and enslavement," the hobbit pointed out.
"It is a valid argument," Eowyn said with a shrug.
"- Aragorn was also working hard to construct the perfect gift. He and Arwen were madly in love with each other."
"So Aragorn burned Legolas' hair!" Eomer cried.
"Fire…" Denethor cackled. Faramir began to move away from his Ghost father looking suddenly nervous, despite the fact that Denethor was a ghost and thus could not do anything to him.
Finally the day came for Elrond to judge all of the gifts that the elves had made.
"And that day in NEVER!" Elrond yelled, barely able to control his rage.
"It's strange," Sam said to Rosie, "Aragorn is usually such a suck up to Elrond."
"Suck up, suck up, Aragorn is a suck up," Eowyn and Eomer taunted.
"Must be a Rohan thing," the Ghost of Boromir muttered.
Glorfindel was the first to present his gift to Elrond and Arwen.
"This is going to be interesting," Elrond chuckled.
"Oh go deliver some toys," Glorfindel snapped.
It was a poorly made-
"Aragorn Smasher!" Glorfindel interrupted.
"His hair woven into a basket!"
"A pair of shoes that danced on their own!"
"A bright red nose!"
- necklace.
"That's not so bad," Sam commented.
It was made of dry macaroni that was painted in different shades of green, orange, and pink. It also smelled funny. It must have been Glorfindel's natural smelliness rubbing off on to the dry pasta.
"That is kind of bad," Sam said, amending his former observation.
"I am not smelly!"
"We know Glorfindel," Elrohir said consolingly.
"We all know that Aragorn is the smelly one," Elladan added.
Most of the other elves gifts were as horrible as Glorfindel's.
"Yes of course," Celeborn sighed sarcastically, "obviously we Elves can not make things. All of our wondrous cities and legendary craftsmanship must just all be false rumors."
But the most horrible, smelly, gift that Arwen received was from Legolas.
"Wow," Haldir said in a dry monotone, "I never saw that twist coming."
Legolas had "made" Arwen a squished spider. It had an arrow in it though it was obvious that the spider had died when it got too close to the smelliness that was Legolas, then was stepped on by Legolas' pet Gimli before Legolas placed the arrow in the spider.
"Behold," Legolas said dumbly, "I have conquered an evil beast, just for you Arwen love of my life." His pet Gimli applauded.
"Are you implying that I need to smell as bad as you do in order to slay a simple spider?" Legolas asked. "Are you forgetting the creatures that inhabit my homeland?"
"You make it sound as if killing spiders are easy," Sam said hotly, "I'll have you know that they are quite difficult to defeat. Especially the giant spider that I fought." Rosie turned to look at Sam.
"You never mentioned that before," she told him.
"I wonder how long Sam has been trying to bring their conversation around to spiders so that he can tell of that tale," Merry whispered loudly. Sam threw a cookie at his friend's head. The cookie struck its mark before landing on the floor. It was promptly gobbled up by Pippin.
None of the elves could speak, so horrified were they at what Legolas had done.
"I believe that I have never seen an elf shocked into silence," Gandalf told them.
"Legolas," Aragorn said in a noble, handsome, distinctly non-smelly voice, "you must remove yourself, your pet, and your gift from these lands at once."
In tears Legolas left Rivendell, ashamed that he could not make a gift for the love of his life Arwen.
"It's all right Legolas," Arwen said soothingly, "you don't have to try to make me anything. And if I weren't married to Aragorn-" she let the sentence drop and everyone roared with laughter at the look on Aragorn's face.
Then it was Aragorn's turn to present his gift. None of the elves expected it to be any good. They laughed among themselves at how Aragorn was not an elf.
"That makes no sense!" Faramir shouted.
"This story makes no sense!" Frodo added.
"I am no one's pet!" Gimli roared.
"WE KNOW!" everyone else bellowed back.
Then Aragorn revealed his gift.
"Maybe it's a decapitated squirrel," Legolas guessed.
"Or his left ear," Eowyn added.
"Maybe it's his magic arrow," Eomer said chuckling.
"What's wrong with you?" Galadriel asked sounding close to the breaking point. "Get your mind out of the gutter for goodness sake!" Eomer only grinned wider. "If you do not stop thinking filthy thoughts-" she finished the rest of her sentence in Eomer's mind directly. The King of Rohan twitched violently.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he apologized, "won't happen again, I swear."
"You have to teach me how to do that," Eowyn said in awe to Lady Galadriel.
Aragorn had made a jewelry box. It was shaped like a heart and had a painting of Arwen on the outside. When Arwen opened it the elves all gasped in wonder to hear a magical recording of Aragorn singing an elvish love song. But there was also something else inside of the jewelry box.
"Come on left ear," Eowyn muttered.
"I call it the Evenstar," Aragorn told Arwen as he placed the beautiful necklace around her neck, "I made it myself."
"This is just too wacky," Haldir commented. Neither Celeborn, Galadriel, Elrond, or Arwen seemed able to comment themselves however. All of them were staring at Aragorn with bugging eyes and open mouths.
"Now I have seen an elf shocked into silence," Gandalf mused, "it's funnier then I would have thought."
"Oh Aragorn let's get married!" Arwen cried in delight.
"Only after he helps me deliver the presents," Elrond told her with a smile.
And so, with lots of help from Aragorn, the presents were delivered. It was the best Christmas ever.
The End!
The whole room sat perfectly still for about ten minutes, processing the story and it's ending. Finally it was Eomer who broke the silence.
"Get him!"
Aragorn shot out of the room, closely followed by everyone else. They chased him for hours all around the city of Minas Tirith, to the confusion of everyone else who couldn't work out why the King and his guests were playing tag.
In the end they just chalked it all to the eccentricities of their King and went about the holiday as usual.