The Itty Bitties
Adam McFadden rested his right arm against the wooden frame of his bedroom window and peered into the darkness beyond.
Days disappeared quickly in December, and though it was just after supper the outside world was already bathed in black.
Adam leaned his forehead against the pane to feel the cold of the glass. Tonight would usher in the first deep freeze of the season.
He pulled back and shivered.
At eighteen years old he had completely recalibrated his life in the past few months, taking sole responsibility for one working ranch and six younger brothers after the deaths of his parents.
His eighteen year old shoulders were the shoulders upon whom the family's very existence now rested.
Adam massaged the back of his neck. Some days the only thing that kept him moving was sheer exhaustion.
Months later his reality still bewildered him. In the first days after the deaths of his mother and father he simply operated automatically. He made funeral arrangements, spoke politely and graciously to visitors, and thanked neighbors for offerings of hams, casseroles and meals designed to feed the McFadden boys.
But through it all he felt the surreal moments were pretend ones, that the entire destruction of his family as he knew it was a vicious, unending nightmare.
How could he- a brand new high school graduate slated for college in the fall- reconcile that Adam with an unknown but promising future to the man who stood immobile at his bedroom window with complete realization of what he had undertaken and knowledge that this was his future?
The first minutes and hours after the sheriff broke the news of the tragedy he simply could not sort the logistics in his mind.
Deep inside his soul screamed he was still a kid himself, despite his insistence to his parents that he was no longer a child.
Heck! How could he be grown when he'd been grounded just weeks before the accident? No adult he knew was punished with four solid weeks on lockdown.
But that had happened.
His folks had not appreciated his less than stellar grades in December and grounded him until they had proof he had pulled the marks up four weeks later.
Adam had argued that he was a senior and since he already had a college scholarship, the grades didn't really matter.
He knew better. The futility of that approach should have been apparent before he attempted it.
His mom and dad disagreed about the grades, most emphatically, and before he knew it every one of his eighteen year old privileges had been snatched right out from under him. Anger and embarrassment fueled his not too wise response to that decision, and before he could stop himself his dad leveled him with that look.
Yes, that look- the one that acted as the last warning before his father tore his butt up big time.
What a bittersweet memory! Furious though he had been, his self- preservation had prevailed. He simply-and wisely- stopped his tantrum.
Adam shook his head. The day his folks told him the punishment had ended was still circled in red marker on his wall calendar.
He looked around his room in disbelief, trying to focus on something that would act as a catalyst and inspire him to just walk out the door and start a new life somewhere else. Tonight his own doubts had tortured him into slipping away for a few minutes alone with no one needing him.
He was a kid! How could he even pretend to act as his brothers' keeper and maintain a ranch?
His bedroom door scraped and he wheeled around. The light from the hall illuminated his brother Ford who tiptoed inside, little body covered in a dinosaur blanket sleeper. A tuft of fine hair stood straight up from the back of Ford's head.
Blonde and pale, the five year old's huge eyes searched for Adam in the dark interior.
Ford backed toward the doorframe, afraid to confront the dark.
Adam felt a twinge of pride that the little fellow stood his ground even with the dark surrounding him.
"Adam, did you stay here or go downstairs?" the little voice piped up hesitantly.
One of the little bitties, Ford's tentative approach highlighted his innate shyness. Quiet and reflective, the preschooler could spend hours in his own company and imagination.
Adam crossed the room and scooped the boy into his arms. Ford smelled of baby shampoo and bubble gum flavored toothpaste and Adam kissed him softly on the cheek.
"I'm right here. Are you ready for your story?"
Ford nodded against him before tilting his head onto his big brother's shoulder. He placed a small hand on Adam's mouth. "You take care of me now, don't you?"
Adam knew exactly what he meant. This time last year the family had been led by a nurturing mother and hardworking father.
Now everyone turned to him for leadership.
Adam kissed the fingers on his lips. "Absolutely, big boy. I will keep you healthy and strong until one day you grow up to be a big tall man and tell me you can take care of yourself."
Ford sat up and met Adam's eyes. "I will be bigger than you," he decided.
"Absolutely," Adam grinned. "Not only will you be bigger but you will be smarter."
"Ok," Ford answered simply.
"Did you already use the bathroom?"
"When I brushed my teeth," Ford opened his mouth broadly and pointed at his tiny white teeth.
Adam carried Ford to his own bed. He told him to pick out a book before leaving him to lean over the banister and summon the rest of the itty bitties.
The youngest, Guthrie, had been asleep nearly an hour. At eighteen months the baby of the family lay dreaming in the same crib all seven boys had used. The other two itty bitties, Evan and Daniel, obediently climbed the steps to join their brother.
Adam waited for them at the landing, then took their hands and ushered them to the bathroom.
"Dan, brush your teeth first and Ev, you use the toilet first."
Adam leaned against the doorframe as he supervised. Daniel resembled him with dark hair and eyes, but Evan was blond like Ford, though a much darker blond.
Both kids were tired after an errand filled day and followed him quietly into their bedroom. Adam helped all three climb into their beds and under the covers before kissing each and settling by Ford on his bed.
"Prayers first," he reminded, and three sets of eyes closed instantly while six small hands clasped palms together in unison.
"Now I lay me down to sleep," he began, and the children joined him. "I pray the Lord my soul to keep. God bless Adam, and Brian, and Crane, and Daniel, and Ford, and Evan, and Guthrie."
"And bless Mama and Daddy," Daniel spoke.
Evan added, "in Heaven."
"Yes," Adam confirmed.
"And make us be good boys," Ford supplied.
Adam concluded, "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."
They opened their eyes.
"I'm snuggling with Ford tonight because it's his turn," Adam reminded the children. "Tomorrow will be Evan's turn, then Daniel's."
Three little heads nodded in agreement. They knew the routine.
Ford handed Adam his book choice and Adam started reading, Ford curled against his side. A couple of pages in Adam felt Ford's weight shift and knew the five year old had fallen asleep. It took an additional two pages for Evan, but Daniel only lasted a page after that.
Adam slid out of the bed and made his rounds covering and kissing all three.
Yes, these three plus the baby, Guthrie, he called the itty bitties. As the oldest child he had been introduced to the other boys one by one.
With Brian he was two, so he didn't specifically remember Brian's birth but did remember he was jealous of Brian's position on his mother's lap. When Brian was five Crane joined the family and Adam watched each of the milestones Crane made from his big brother perspective.
Crane was the youngest for four years until Daniel arrived with Evan following a little over a year after that. Ford arrived around fifteen months later. Guthrie's birth three and a half years afterwards completed the family.
So Adam nicknamed the youngest four the collective "itty bitties" because of the age gap between them and him.
He checked on baby Guthrie, who lay on his back with his arms spread out around him as if the baby invited good dreams to find him. Adam slid a finger into the waistband on the toddler's pajamas and was relieved to find the pajamas and diaper dry. He leaned over and kissed the soft cheek before jogging downstairs.
Crane sat in front of the coffee table with an encyclopedia open in front of him. The set of encyclopedias had been purchased two years before, replacing the ones which had been bought when Adam entered middle school. Hugely supportive of doing their part to aid in educating their children, his parents always managed to save or set aside money to pay for educational materials.
Adam read the encyclopedia heading upside down. "You're reading about animal husbandry?"
Crane used a finger to mark his space in the article, then gave Adam his attention. "If I grow up to work in animal husbandry it means I will get very smart about all of our animals." Like Ford, Crane's hair was a light blond though his was actually a couple of shades darker than Ford's. Crane's dusky blue eyes met Adam's dark ones.
At eleven, one of Adam's constant fears revolved around Crane's serious nature, which deepened into an even more somber one when the little boy concerned himself with family issues. The child rarely operated as other middle schoolers his age, but generally behaved responsibly and thoughtfully at school or at home. Academically he always brought home impressive report cards, with good marks even in subjects he didn't like.
"What's the difference between the animal husbandry and going to school to be a vet? You've always said you wanted to be a veterinarian."
Crane nodded and explained patiently, "I have, yes, but veterinarians work with all animals, or at least specific groups of animals. Animal husbandry would give me skills in working with the animals we keep here on the ranch."
Adam smiled at him. "You are one smart boy, Crane McFadden. Where did you learn about husbandry?"
"4H."
Both the elementary and middle school in town actively incorporated 4H as a club for students. Adam and Brian, then Crane and now Daniel, had all been members.
"Good for you." Adam tousled the blond's hair. "It's time for your bath, though, so go ahead upstairs. You can still have a few minutes down here after you bathe and before I call bedtime."
Crane got to his feet immediately.
Rarely did Adam have to tell him twice to do something.
Adam watched as the youngster began to climb the stairs, but then stopped questioned, "Adam, do you have enough money for me to travel to the stockyards for the 4H field trip in February?"
Adam licked his lips.
Crane smiled a sweet smile and added with resignation, "It's all right. I don't even need to go there. We have other places that family money should go."
Money- procuring it, needing it, and having it- consumed a gigantic portion of Adam's thoughts each day. There was never even a dollar extra.
But Crane's innocent face just broke his heart, because Crane never asked for anything.
"Tell me the amount again," Adam spoke, licking his lips.
"The whole trip with food and all of it is a hundred and ten dollars…"
"For five days, right?"
"Yes, but the teacher said that the fifty dollar deposit is due by next Friday for anyone who is going." Crane added softly, "I understand that we probably won't have the deposit. It's ok."
Adam's jaw clenched but he managed to soften his expression. "I'll let you know in a couple of days, but no promises, Big Boy. Now, bathtime."
He watched until Crane's slender figure disappeared upstairs. Then he turned to check the kitchen.
Brian was on the phone cooing lovingly to his current girlfriend and Adam pointed to the clock. Brian ended the conversation quickly, said his goodbyes, and swept his arms in an expanse to include the entire kitchen. "Done and done, and I must say I did a wonderful job cleaning this humongous kitchen this evening."
Adam laughed at the showmanship. At sixteen, Brian had more self-assurance than he would ever possess.
Brian prodded, "How does it look?"
"Great," Adam confirmed. On the face of things the fact that legally he was Brian's guardian yet only two years older could have damaged or destroyed their relationship. However, the two had grown up together and though each retained completely different personalities, their bond was tight. Brian rarely balked at following, but Adam didn't take advantage of his own leadership position either.
He worked to remain fair, and Brian worked to remember that this was the life he'd been handed. It was not Adam's fault.
The two still squabbled on occasion, but for the most part, they functioned well together.
"Everyone in bed?" Brian asked, pointing towards the upstairs.
"Crane just went up for his bath, but the itty bitties are down and dreaming."
"Tonight's going to be an early one for me," Brian announced. "I'm beat. As soon as Crane finishes, I'll get my shower and hit the hay."
True to his word he left the kitchen a couple of minutes later and zigzagged through the living room before jogging softly up the stairs.
Adam flicked the light switch and the kitchen fell into darkness. He spent the next few minutes straightening the living room before finally sinking into the leather recliner at the side of the fireplace.
The day overtook him, and within moments a weary Adam McFadden slid into sleep.