Title: Lifeday
Fandom: Star Wars
Characters/Pairings: Jaina Solo, Jacen Solo
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jaina's—and other people's-- reflection on her and Jacen's first lifeday following the events of Invincible
Dear Jacen,
I know this is a stupid idea. It's not as if you can read this. But, I feel like I need to tell you some stuff, and Uncle Luke told me that this might help. So, as weird as it sounded, I figured if anyone knew about grief these days, it'd be him. Here goes, Jasa.
I was really angry at you for a really long time. I've since come to realize that I was blaming you for things that weren't really your fault. Most of the things that made me mad at you were really just me being mad at myself, but indirectly, I suppose that that's you fault after all. I'm not making any sense, but since you'll never actually read this, I guess it's okay.
I wish I understood what happened to you over these last few years. I wish that I could have talked to you more. This borking war was in everyone's way. The few minutes that I had I carelessly wasted on Jag or frivolities like eating and sleeping. I just never realized that our time together was limited. I felt like you and I were part of each other in a way that Anakin had never been and I thought, stupidly I realize, that that could never be destroyed. But, Jacen, I missed you. You will never understand truly how much I missed you. I felt like I was missing an arm. No matter what I did, I felt like I only had half of my perspective. It's nothing like now, though. Now sort of feels like a missing part of my soul. It's like part of me that used to be alive died when I killed you.
But, Jasa, I just don't understand why you didn't find me. Come talk to me. I might not have understood but I could have tried. You didn't tell me anything. I feel so betrayed by that. You could have told me something. You couldn't have told me about Alana, but you could have told me about Tenel Ka. You could have told me that you were still in love with her. If you wouldn't have made conscious effort to sever our bond, you wouldn't have had to tell me. You cut me out, Jacen. It hurt. It hurt almost as bad as I'm hurting now without you.
I wish that I would have confronted you sooner. I wish that I would have listened to Aunt Mara when she told me that something was up with you. I wish you could have found another way, any other way, to accomplish what you wanted without taking her from us. Uncle Luke hasn't been the same, and I will always be so angry with you for that. You took away my best friends in the galaxy with one fell swoop. You took my Aunt, and you took yourself. I could have never been friends with you in the same way after that.
You knew that going in, though. That's the part that still hurts. You knew that you were severing our relationship in a way that could never be repaired and you still felt it needed to be done. I'll never understand what made that worth it, Jacen. I would have never done something like that without talking to you first.
Looking back, you cried out for help so many times. I wish that I could have stopped being so kriffing self-absorbed and helped you. You were my brother and I owed that to you.
I don't feel bad about killing you. I did for a while, don't get me wrong. I felt horrible. I had everyone pretty scared, in fact. I was moping and sulking and just didn't care. But, then I realized something. Killing you allowed you to die. The truth is, we've all known that you've been dead since the Vong War. I'll never forgive the Vong. No matter what Uncle Luke says. They took two brothers from me and they don't deserve my forgiveness. I just can't give it. Maybe it makes me not as good a Jedi as him, but at this point, I don't really care.
Our lifeday is tomorrow, Jacen. It's still our lifeday even though you're not here. It'll never be just mine. You deserve part of the day forever. Not for the monster you became, but for the man you were.
People keep asking me what I want. I wish they'd all shut up. It's just a reminder of the fact that my growing and getting older has been cut in half. I know it's childish and I'll never get it, but I just wish that people could remember the wonderful man that you were before everything got so borked up.
I don't think you were stupid, Jacen. You must believe that. I just believe you were misled because you were so deeply in love and no one was listening to you. I wish I could have.
Allana is growing up so beautiful. I wish you could see her. She's so smart, and she loves animals, too. It's more than I can stand some days. She picks up things in a snap, though. Uncle Luke has already started training her and he says she is one of the brightest children he's ever seen.
Tenel Ka is doing well, too. She's still pretty sad about Isolder. We all are. We all miss him. I've even caught Dad crying about it, but he'll deny it, of course. You know Dad, Jasa. He's Corellian. He doesn't cry.
But Tee is doing well. I saw her last week, and she's invited me to Hapes to visit for my lifeday. I'll probably go. I miss her.
They're still looking for Zekk. I hope they find him soon. I worry that it might be too late even now. It's driving me crazy.
Ben is growing up so fast. He's already too old for his age, and it only gets worse the more happens. His eyes look so old and he always sounds like he's lived so long. He has a crush though and she's the sweetest girl ever and we're all hoping that maybe being a normal teenage boy for once might snap him out of his funk. We all doubt it a little, though. You don't live through war that young and come out unscathed. That, and he can't get the nerve to talk to her. He's such a Skywalker. It's ridiculous. Aunt Mara would have slapped him silly.
I think that's all, Jacen. I feel better already in some weird way being able to get all of this out. I hope wherever you are that you've managed to find some semblance of peace. That's all I've ever wanted for you, Jacen.
We all miss you and love you.
Happy Lifeday, Jasa.
Jaya