Disclaimer: Not mine. Unfortunately.
As Ianto lay alone in his double bed in his apartment at 3:30am he realised that his heart and his life had never been emptier. He lay there unmoving except for one hand, which was twirling one of the drawstrings that held together his striped blue and white pyjama bottoms, and considered how he had come to feel so alone. He was certain that he did not deserve to lead as lonely a life as he seemed to and could explain the hand that fate had dealt him only by the fact that whoever was controlling his life had a sick sense of humour.
Ianto was estranged from his family, not having seen them since he had come out to them as being bisexual. They didn't understand it and after his step-father's violent reaction to the news he had left home for good. Ianto hadn't honestly expected a different reaction; after his father had died he had felt alone even when his whole family surrounded him. And so Ianto knew that he could not rely on his family for the love and warmth he so craved.
Torchwood had left no time for friends and it had been a long time since Ianto had had someone who he could say knew everything about him, understood him and still wanted to be his friend anyway. The last person Ianto had felt that way about had been a co-worker at Torchwood One called Steve. He had been the one to recruit Ianto and they had been friends for a year beforehand. Ianto had loved Steve in every way it was possible to love someone (including the small crush he had had on him) but he had died when Canary Wharf burned.
And now Tosh, the closest thing he had had to a best friend at Torchwood Three was dead too. It had gotten to the point where Ianto just felt empty. He couldn't even grieve properly anymore because all of his emotional strength had gone into rebuilding his life. He had invested everything he had into the team and got nothing in return but heartache.
He wasn't even loved by the man he so desperately loved with all his heart. It hurt everyday to know that. Jack was the wound that would never heal, could never heal. Ianto's only hope was that he would fulfil the true Torchwood maxim – everyone died young.
Some people might call Ianto's slightly suicidal thought over the top but he knew he would never go through with them (they would hurt the people he cared about too much) and he really didn't have anything left to live for anymore. Jack and Torchwood were the only things that gave his life a sense of purpose anymore and he didn't want to lose what little comfort that gave him and go into the darkness. With everything he had seen in his life, Ianto couldn't help but be afraid of the dark and all the memories it contained. So he would continue to live his half-life in the hope that Torchwood would finally give him what he deserved – happiness, peace and death.