The Founding Fathers: Pop Tarts
Congress, July 4th, 1777
All of the great men in American history are looming over the first draft of the Constitution.
Thomas Jefferson: My fellow founding fathers, I believe that a man has a right to voice his opinion. In years past, the king never allowed his subjects this basic right. All in favor?
All: AYE!
Thomas: It is done. Oh, Dr. Franklin, do you wish to speak?
Benjamin Franklin: Yes. I believe that now would be the appropriate time to answer the long-unanswered question: What is the best flavor of Pop Tarts?
The room falls silent as every man in the room considers the serious question. John Adams speaks first.
John Adams: I believe that we can all agree that it is frosted cherry.
Upon hearing this, Samuel Adams jumps to his feet to make an impassioned speech.
Samuel Adams: Now wait just a moment! Am I to understand that Mr. John Adams believes in one tart for all? This is blasphemous!
Ben: I know that this hour falls dark upon us as we debate the question, but-
Samuel: I will have you know, John, that I favor frosted vanilla ice cream shop flavor!
John: OH? And what absurdity do you intend to impose upon the congress next? That one day a man shall be on the moon?
The skit pauses. Benjamin gets pissed at John.
Ben: John, god damnit, we don't make references so far in the future! Stick to the eighteenth century!
The skit resumes.
The fighting continues and escalates for half an hour. For the first time during the entire meeting, George Washington interjects.
George Washington: All of you, stop! What a shameful name you bring to those fallen on the battlefields who fought valiantly for the right to voice an opinion!
All of the men stop fighting to listen to the greatly admired George Washington.
George: Do you have any idea what would happen if the future generations came to know of our squabbles over such trivial opinions?
Just as George finishes the sentence, a journalist who was eavesdropping on the fight and writing it down for the newspaper is caught by Ben Franklin. All of the men stop looking at a dumbstruck George and turn their heads to see Ben quickly take care of the boy with a razor.
John: What the shit, Ben? Now we have a dead body to take care of on top of everything that we have fought over!
Ben: We can never let the future generations know, right George?
Washington vomits in disgust. The journalist lies in a pool of his own blood. John Adams continues the former argument.
John: I still think it's frosted cherry.
Ben: John, we have to get rid of this body!
Samuel: OK, I propose that we all pitch in by digging an unmarked, inconspicuous grave for this lad…in Ben's backyard! All in favor?
All (except Ben): AYE!
Ben: Nay! What do you asses think you're doing? I got kids!
Speak of the devil, Benjamin's illegitimate son, William Franklin, enters. Ben's jaw drops.
William: Oh, father, I have searched the nation to find you!
Ben: Not now, William, daddy has to do some important congressional work.
As Ben says this, he proceeds to drag the body out of the open. As he puts it into a closet, William loses his temper.
William: That's what you said when I was five, dad!
A horrified George attempts to leave but is caught by Ben. Ben 'takes care' of him as well.
Samuel: Ben, what the SHIT? That was George Washington! He…he was the greatest General in America!
John: Well, at least I get to succeed him as president!
Every man looks at John in awe of his asinine remark.
Thomas: That's fucked up, John.
Ben: Will you all shut it? Now we have two bodies to take care of!
William: Oh, here we go again, dad! Just keep making the same excuses for leaving at 10 and coming home at 5 in the morning!
Ben: William, get over your daddy issues and help me get rid of these bodies!
Thomas: OK, now that the Pop Tarts debate has ceased, we can all agree on where to put the bodies, right?
All: AYE!
Ben: OK, I have an idea! I have always conducted medical experiments, right?
All: Yeah, go on…
Ben: OK, I'm gonna use these bodies in an experiment that tests the decreasing body temperature of corpses. You can all testify for me in court, saying that these two men died of heart attacks and I was using them for a medical experiment.
Thomas: You're a dipshit, Ben.
Ben: Say that to my face, dick!
Thomas: I would, but you might slit me open with a razor blade, Ben!
All of the men proceed to brawl until John Adams, now president of the United States, speaks.
John: Gentlemen, hear me! I propose that we make a new Pop Tarts flavor that we can all agree upon!
All of the men raise an eyebrow, prompting John to continue.
John: We shall dispose of the bodies…by baking them into mass-produced Pop Tarts! The flavor will be called 'Iced Red White and Blue!' All in favor, say 'aye.'
One by one, all men murmur in the affirmative.
All: Aye…
After that proud moment in American history, Benjamin Franklin became estranged from William, the Congress swore to secrecy, and the new Pop Tarts flavor was mass-produced for every free man to enjoy.
GOD BLESS AMERICA.