I am fairly certain I either read or saw a show that utilized a similar situation, but I have been unable to track said show down, so I am posting this anyway. I mean no copyright infringement and am sorry for borrowing your idea if you are the one who came up with the original concept.
A friend of mine did try using Buster Keaton as a way to impress someone after watching the movie "Benny and Joon", so we have him to thank for and an entire college dormitory for laughing at his antics.
I also own nothing having to do with the Star Trek (any universe) franchise. I do have an autographed picture of Brent Spiner though! I am also not affiliated with Charlie Chaplin in any way shape or form, I just admire the man (probably too much) and thought he or his characters should be used in more fictions since he is one of the greatest actor/director/writers in the history of cinema.
This story is just for fun and falls somewhere inside of the TNG universe at some point.
/GG/
Just Be Yourself
The book was entitled "How to Win a Girl's Heart and be Discrete About it". Being that it was a book from a few centuries ago, he figured it might have some pointers he couldn't find in the information available to him on the computers. So he sat in the holodeck reading in the middle of an old public library, hoping this book would give him some insight into the mind of the opposite sex.
Something that really wasn't happening. No matter how he tried, none of his resources were panning out the way he wanted. The next step was to talk to the superior officers; or worse yet, his mom! What a way to ruin his life. Asking his mom for advice on girls. She wasn't a girl, she was his mom! There was a big difference.
Commander Riker was the first person to pop into his head as a man to talk to. Wesley Crusher wasn't big into asking anyone questions the likes of which he had; he tended to be more interested in science. This would definitely be a switch.
After perusing the book for a few more minutes he gave that idea up as a fruitless endeavor and turned off the program running on the holodeck. Someone else probably wanted to use it anyway.
Wesley left the holodeck and walked down the corridor toward the nearest turbolift. He would need to find out where the Commander was before he could ask him any questions, but so out of his element was he, it actually made him nervous. How come girls couldn't be like circuits? Circuits weren't scary, they were fun. Girls were fun, but also a little nerve wracking. And they tended to talk back to you.
That was actually something he looked forward to. Being an acting ensign had its advantages, but it also had its disadvantages. The main one being the other kids his age had a hard time relating to him. Wesley spent so much time working on his science projects and working on the bridge, it tended to make the other kids a little wary of him. At least the kids his own age; he was a star among the younger kids.
"Computer, where's Commander Riker?" Wesley asked, stopping and leaning against the wall. The turbolift was only a meter away.
"Commander Riker is on the bridge." Came the monotonous reply.
"Great." He said to himself. "Just what I need. The entire staff of the bridge present when I ask Commander Riker what to do on getting her attention."
"Computer, where's Captain Picard?" He was someone who might be able to help, if he could keep the meeting a secret.
"Captain Picard is on the bridge."
"Okay, then computer, where is Commander La Forge?"
"Commander La Forge is on the bridge."
Wesley let out a frustrated sigh. "Great help computer. Is there anyone not on the bridge?"
"Please restate the question with acceptable parameters." The computer chirped.
"That wasn't a question."
Wesley walked over to the turbolift and got inside. Then he thought for a moment on where he wanted to go. He had no idea, so he and the turbolift sat idle for a few minutes.
"Ten-Forward please." He finally stated, since there was nowhere else he could go. There was usually an officer in the lounge and even though he wasn't really allowed inside without an escort, he didn't really think anyone would notice. I mean he was almost eighteen.
The time between his request and his delivery was short, but not short enough. By the time he was let out on floor ten, he was agitated. This wouldn't do; he needed to relieve his stress.
There was a breathing exercise he'd seen his mom and Counselor Troi use on a number of occasions. He leaned against the wall and put is head down onto his knees, then he started to do exaggerated breathing, in through his nose, out through his mouth.
It was starting to work too. He felt himself calming down until he heard a chorus of giggling coming from down the hallway. He opened his eyes and looked down the hallway and saw the object of his eye, along with a number of her little squadron of girls.
They were all trying their best to keep from cracking up, but when one of them lost, the others followed like a set of dominos.
Poor Wesley could do nothing but look at the three of them for a moment; then took off down the hallway toward Ten-Forward without glancing back.
/GG/
Ten-Forward wasn't nearly as busy as he thought it would be, which after his little run in he was glad. At some point someone would probably come and tell him to leave the room, but he couldn't do that. He needed comfort food. He needed nachos and lots of them.
He walked toward the counter, where Guinan was servicing another customer. Wesley sat down and waited his turn.
"Should you be in here Mr. Crusher?" Guinan's smooth voice asked as she wandered over to his position.
"Probably not, but I knew I wouldn't be followed in here by the other kids in my class."
"Are you having problems with a bully?" Guinan asked, bringing forth a plate of nachos, topped with all the garbage in the universe.
"No, it's not that. It's a girl. I don't know how to impress her."
Wesley started digging in when Guinan didn't immediately answer.
"You know Mr. Crusher. You're a good looking young man and you shouldn't have to impress anyone. If you have to go out of your way to make yourself look good for someone then they aren't the right one for you."
Of course, being a teenager, the advice went in one ear and out the other. Or maybe because he was just a teenager, he didn't get that advice was even given. Wesley just nodded and continued shoveling nachos into his open mouth.
At some point Guinan had walked off, but not before giving Wesley a glass of water to wash down his plate with. He wasn't alone long though. The patron at the other end of the bar, slowly, made his way over and sat next to Wesley.
"Did I hear correctly? You're trying to impress some girl?" The hesitant voice asked.
"Yeah and I'm stuck."
"You could always practice on the holodeck."
"No offence Mr. Barclay, but since when have you had any knowledge of girls?" Wesley asked, eyeing the man.
"I-I don't really have much knowledge, but at least on a holodeck you can create the girl to like you. You don't have to worry about her treating you like garbage."
Wesley put his last bit of food down and looked at the Lieutenant. "Are you speaking from experience, or are you just trying to help?"
Barclay chuckled a little before answering. "I guess a little of both. I'm probably not the best person to ask. You should ask Commander Riker. He's meeting me here in a minute or so, but I'd be happy to let you take some of his time."
"Thanks Barclay." Wesley said.
The new guy may have been an utter disaster, but his heart was in the right place.
True to the rumors, Commander Riker walked into Ten-Forward less than a minute later. Barclay walked over to him and spoke for a moment, never making eye contact. Riker seemed to get the point though since he started over toward Wesley.
"Barclay informs me you have some urgent matter to discuss with me?" Commander Riker raised an eyebrow and looked at the boy.
"No sir, not urgent by any means, but you are the best candidate to help me." Wesley almost stammered.
"Well in that case, lay it on me." Riker sat down on a stool and looked at our young love-struck hero.
"I need to know how to impress a girl." Wesley didn't now how to word his thoughts, so he decided to just come out with it.
"Well you've come to the right person." Riker stated. "I've been known to woo many a girl."
"I know Commander, that's why I thought of you."
"Well tell me, what does this girl like?"
"Girl things I guess. Clothes, flowers…"
Riker thought for a moment and then started on instructions. "The first thing you've gotta do is show her your interest. Send her flowers or chocolates or those little teddy bears. Then after you've sent her enough to get her attention, start to show interest in another girl. Things like that drive women wild. After you've made her jealous then start treating her to romantic dinners, book a holodeck and take her some place secluded. Then, when the time is right, tell her that her eyes are like the stars, they burn with a passion you've never seen in another girl. Take her hand and lean in…"
"If you continue telling this boy that nonsense I'll have you thrown out Commander." Guinan's harsh voice cut through the information.
It startled both gentlemen enough for them to look over at her clouded face.
"Wesley, I'm kicking you out. Find someone with a little more pride in themselves for help." She stated. Then she started mumbling to herself, something neither Riker or Wesley had ever seen her do. "Of all the ridiculous mumbo-jumbo to tell that boy…"
"Thanks Commander, I'd better go before she calls mom." Wesley stood up and bolted from Ten-Forward before Riker could get another word out.
/GG/
He was secretly glad the girls had left the corridor, though he would have been equally as excited had they been waiting for him to exit.
"Geeze Wesley, you're turning into a dweeb or something." He chastised himself as he walked back toward the turbolift. He wanted to make it to his quarters before he ran into someone else and caused a scene.
Commander Riker had given him some information that could potentially be helpful, but Barclay's advice about using the holodeck could also have been useful. Not for finding a holodeck girlfriend, by any means. More as a way to practice. He could create a girl and use her for practice before asking his crush out.
The problem was he had never really needed help before, but this girl was new. She was popular with a lot of guys and that wasn't something he had experience with. Dealing with the other man as it were.
What he needed to do was something different. All those things Commander Riker said, although good, were exactly what all the other guys were doing. He needed to do something to stand out; be different.
But what?
His answer came in the most unexpected form.
"Excuse me Wesley, but I hear through the grape vine you are in need of assistance?"
Wesley turned around and looked at Data with curiosity.
"Did I not use the phrase correctly? I have been reading periodicals about phrases commonly used in friendly banter."
Wesley smiled at the android. "No Data, you used the phrase correctly. I just didn't realize my 'dilemma' would reach everyone on board the Enterprise."
"I am sure the entire crew contents does not know about your questions Wesley. I just happened to have a run in with Lieutenant Barclay, who mentioned you were asking questions. He also mentioned he thought the holodeck might be a good place to start. I happen to agree."
The boy's eyes shot up. "You agree with Barclay that I should use the holodeck?"
Data's face remained solid. "Not in the way he was referring to. On the other hand, the holodeck has been known to help with problem solving. I would be most interested to learn how you want to go about winning the affections of this girl. It would be a most enlightening experience."
Wesley wanted to roll his eyes at the Commander's lack of knowledge in the subject he wanted to help with. In this case, it was the blind leading the blind; not necessarily a good thing.
Of course it couldn't hurt. Data was rather good at problem solving.
"I was thinking of doing something different to impress her, but I'm not sure what to do."
Data was quiet for a moment. Wesley was sure the android was running through several thousand possibilities.
"I do have an idea, but it will require the use of a holodeck. I am unable to produce the right effect needed to assist you without assistance myself."
Sometimes Wesley wished his superior wasn't so literal. It would save a lot of talk time.
"What did you have in mind?" Wesley asked, starting to lead the way to the nearest holodeck.
"I was trying to remember what I have seen work with other crew members in pursuit of the opposite sex. I believe all women like to laugh as laughing releases certain chemicals into the bloodstream and the brain. This causes a reaction that many members of the human faculty find pleasing. If you were to make her laugh then maybe she would see you as potential mate material."
"Relax Data, this has nothing to do with mating, yet."
"That is one thing I will have to learn from you then? Why are you not looking for someone to be a potential mate? Is that not the reason for courtship?"
"Not at my age. Right now it's just for fun."
"Fun is a relative term."
Data stopping right at that word and not continuing on with an explanation actually shocked Wesley and he would have mentioned it if he wasn't too enamored with his own questions.
"What am I going to do to make her laugh though?"
"I am going to introduce you to someone many thought was the funniest impersonator of his or any time. I came across his file when I was doing a routine maintenance of the holodeck systems. He had been in storage for quite a while, but after some thorough searching, I have found him to have quite a knack for something called slapstick."
Wesley thought for a moment. Slapstick was a type of comedy he remembered reading about when he was a kid, but he couldn't remember the names of the comedians who performed it.
"So this guy actually has an interactive hologram."
"Unfortunately not, there are only, what used to be called flickers, of him. They are two dimensional, so it may not be easy to grasp the full concept, but I have found them to be enjoyable to others, such as the Captain and Commander Riker."
"So how am I supposed to learn them?"
"We will watch excerpts from his flickers, then I will create a couple of holograms to help me demonstrate his tactics. I have found his methods to be quite sound in not only entertainment, but also in fighting style."
"Sometimes you worry me Data."
Data stopped and looked at the boy. "I am sorry if I have caused you any undue stress Wesley. It was not my intention."
Wesley shook his head. "Never mind. Let's go to the movies."
/GG/
Data had turned the holodeck into an old movie theater. He had even asked if Wesley wanted popcorn and a drink while he watched. For a moment Wesley almost said yes, then turned it down. If others found this stuff to be funny, he didn't want to get sick choking on anything while he was laughing. If he even ended up laughing. He didn't really know many people who liked slapstick.
It took only a few minutes to find seats that Data said would give the best visual effect, then he asked the holodeck to run Charlie Chaplin reel 2.
The name sounded vaguely familiar to Wesley, but he didn't say anything. After all this was supposed to help him.
The screen started playing some old black and white picture without any sound.
"Uh, Data, where's the sound?"
Wesley had seen movies like this before, but they were usually in color and at least had some sound.
"I believe the sound files are either lost or have been destroyed by the years. This is called a silent picture anyway. I could always have a symphony played in the background if that is too your liking."
"No, don't worry about it."
Wesley sat back and watched the short guy with the Hitler style moustache and wearing overalls working on tightening old bolts with old tools. He didn't really find it funny and had a hard time following the movie when there was no sound.
He became even more confused when he saw the man walk without the twitch for the first time. He was wearing shabby clothes, a hat and walked with a cane that didn't seem to be used for anything other then decoration. This was in a movie that looked decades older and wasn't in as good a condition.
"What's with the walk?" Wesley asked Data softly.
"I believe that is called "The Tramp" walk. This particular character, which Mr. Chaplin is best known for, always walks like this."
For the next few minutes Wesley watched as this guy was knocked down, sat on people, walked into cages with lions, jumped into water, fell into water and danced around the screen with a big balloon.
"Data, I don't see this as being funny. How is this going to help me?" Wesley asked pointing at the screen.
"Computer, end program." Data said.
The holodeck jumped back to its original form.
"I will try to show you some of his moves. Perhaps they will be better when they are in 3D."
Wesley stood back and watched at the android started to move around the room, pretending to trip and fall forward, catching himself in a roll and landing on his feet again. Then watched as Data created two holograms to help him with a number of stunts.
It was when Data started to box with one of the holograms that Wesley started to chuckle. It couldn't be called boxing though, since Data moved with the referee and did his best to stay out of the other boxer's way.
The first real laugh Wesley emitted was when Data started to roller skate around the room, doing his best not to trip and fall because of the holograms, who were doing a good job of falling over one another.
He spent a few minutes chasing after animals and even pretended to be an inebriated man at a dance hall, trying to sit in a chair what wasn't available anymore.
Wesley then realized what Data was teaching him. It wasn't just some stupid stunts for a joke, but a way to show his ingenuity. Hopefully this girl would notice.
"Okay Data, I get the point. You can stop trying to walk after getting clobbered in the head with a frying pan." Wesley said, putting his hands up in the air.
Data stopped mid stumble and sent his holographic partners away.
"Was this in any way helpful to you Wesley?"
"I don't really know Data. I admit, it did sort of grow on me and I may have to go back and watch some of those entire movies. We'll have to see how it goes."
Data didn't smile, but Wesley knew the android had done his best to show him a different way to impress the girl.
/GG/
Wesley spent two weeks watching all of the Chaplin films in the archives and practicing some of the stunts the man was famous for. He even spent some time doing a little bit of research into the man who had quickly become an inspiration.
He doubted there were many kids in his class who would know who the character was, so he spent some time with the replicators. He reproduced the hat, the cane, the shoes and the entire ensemble "The Tramp" was famous for.
Then he spent some time practicing in costume. His mom had been his guinea pig and he was secretly delighted that she found it amusing enough to call in Counselor Troi and Captain Picard for some of his trial runs.
It was the big day, the one in which he was going to walk into class dressed as "The Tramp" and do his best to win the fair maiden's affections. That was also the day Guinan showed up at his door with a serious expression on his face.
He showed her into the sitting room and sat down with the cane in his hand.
"I see you've decided to pretend to be someone else." Guinan said. "Although I do have to admit you picked a very nice man to imitate and he would have been proud to know a lad in the twenty-forth century was still using his comedy as a way to impress the girls."
"Did you know him?"
"I met him once at a party. I was a server for a little party Doug Fairbanks hosted. Neither really gave me the time of day, but Mr. Chaplin did bump into my tray and apologized for knocking my cheese onto the floor."
"So he was a pretty funny character?"
"Yes Wesley, he was, but you don't need to pretend to be him to win this girl's affections. Just be yourself."
"She hasn't noticed me as me, so if I do something out of the ordinary, then maybe she'll see me and want to get to know me."
Guinan sighed.
"This may be hard for you to understand as you are so young, but things like this, although may work as a temporary solution, usually don't have a lasting effect. Just brace yourself if it doesn't work. You've done such a good job preparing I've heard."
Wesley smiled, even though he knew what she was getting at. This little plan of his wasn't going to work in the long run. The thing was though; he wasn't so concerned with the long run. He just wanted the here and now.
"Okay." He finally nodded.
Guinan let herself out and Wesley was alone in his shared quarters. He walked over to a mirror and practiced some facial expressions. For a moment the man looking back at him from that mirror wasn't even him. He couldn't tell who it was. That wasn't what he was looking for, but it was too late to change his plan now.
Either he went for it and had the chance of failure, or he didn't go for it and failed on account. Neither sounded like an option, but there was the chance that neither would happen and he would end up with the girl. That was the more optimistic look.
/GG/
Class had already begun when Wesley stumbled into the room on his too big shoes. He stood up as straight as possible and then plodded toward his seat, tripping over his own feet occasionally.
The entire class was staring at him.
He sat down and tipped his hat at the female next to him, smiling as best he could. No one said a word. He placed his cane on the side of the desk and it fell to the floor. He tried to reach for the cane, falling out of his seat in the process and landing on his face.
Using his arms, he tried to untangle himself from the desk and managed to tip it over, spilling his bag of tricks onto the floor. A mouse scurried away from his grasp, causing a number of people to shriek. He silently berated himself for trying to pack a live animal as he ran after the rodent.
He didn't end up catching the rodent and the teacher was looking rather annoyed by this time. There was one more trick he wanted to try before he got sent home, which he knew was entirely possible at this point.
Man he had screwed up, he should have asked the teacher instead of assuming she would go along with it just because of who he was.
Wesley grabbed his sack of toys and gave the class a sheepish grin. He pulled out two dinner rolls and two forks. Using the forks, he speared the rolls and started to use them as feet. He danced the rolls along his desk, using his facial features as his accompaniment.
After he had finished, no one clapped or applauded like his mom had, no one even spoke. Wesley sat there in utter humiliation, Guinan's words running through his head. He had failed at trying to impress her by being someone else.
"Are you quite finished Wesley?" The teacher demanded. "Or do you have more actors you want to impersonate today?"
"No ma'am." He said softly.
"What was that though?" A younger boy from the other side of the room asked.
"A form of comedy long forgotten." Wesley whispered.
"I have an idea class." The teacher said. "Why don't we let Wesley explain his little stunt and who he was impersonating. Then for our art project, we can go to the holodeck and watch one of the movies he was copying."
There was a happy murmur throughout the room. Wesley may not have impressed the girl, but getting his entire class time away from doing their school work was going to get him accepted more than he was.
That was enough for him.
/GG/
Information -
Charlie Chaplin and Doug Fairbanks are real people, who have unfortunately died by this time, but were very popular in the flickers back in the early part of the 20th century.
Charlie Chaplin movies referenced in this story – "Modern Times", "The Circus", "City Lights", "The Great Dictator", "The Gold Rush" and "The Rink". All of these movies are his and I have nothing to do with them. I just enjoy watching them.
Thanks for reading.