Happy birthday to my favorite six NEETs! Thanks to them, I became part of a fandom where I've met some extraordinarily wonderful people and made me realize how much I truly enjoy being part of a fandom, for better for worse.

Despite what happened in the fandom, I can never hate the brothers. Thank you for being my six smiling suns, Osomatsu-san.

Akatsuka Host Club

In Tokyo, in Akatsuka ward, you decided to stay with a friend for a business trip instead of the hotel your company had set you up with. Akatsuka wasn't exactly known for its sights and sounds – it was a sleepy town your friend from college is from. It's extremely lucky she lived there – it would've been easier on your wallet too since she was always a good cook.

You haven't been in Akatsuka for very long and already you planned to leave for home in a couple of days anyway. The city itself was fine; there had been a few interesting restaurants to try out; there had been a local penis museum to visit but you've had no real interest. Once you've seen one penis museum, you've seen them all.

On one night, you decided to watch some television – nothing in particular. Maybe a local variety show, you planned to stay up since you finally had a free day tomorrow. You then heard the front door close and your friend came running up to you. Surprised, you gave her a questioning look and asked her if she was okay, but she seemed excited.

"Ah!" She mumbled your name under her excited words and finally she cleared her throat and spoke clearly. "The new Akatsuka Host Club is finally up! We should go tonight before it gets too crowded!" She seemed especially excited for this host club. At first, you were a little unsure. You were already comfortable and you were kind of looking forward to having a quiet night.

"Oh, come on!" Your friend begged. It's clear she didn't want to go by herself – you suppose since it was a host club, all you would do is get a free drink and check out the atmosphere. It'd make an interesting story when you went back home. "Please~! I'll buy you the legendary strawberry cake!"

Had your friend been privy to your thoughts, she would have known you simply resigned but because of her new promise of the Legendary Akatsuka Strawberry Cake…. It sealed the deal completely.

"Let's go," you told her, deadpan. She seemed really happy about going to the new host club. You may not have shared the same enthusiasm as your good friend, but you were happy with her all the same. She probably didn't get a chance to go out very much because of her own work, and even more so with friends. You sympathized. You didn't have a lot of friends back at home as well but you enjoyed your solitude. Loneliness didn't really bother you all that much and you spent all your time catching up on books and your dramas.

As she dressed up, you decided to go for a cool, casual look while your friend wanted to go all out. You wondered what kind of hosts this host club supposedly had. All you and your friend knew was that there were six hosts available only. For you, that was quite strange. While you're not exactly what one would call an expert in host clubs, you did at least realize that they usually have more variation than just plain six hosts.

Usually, you guys would take the train to go downtown – where most of the nightlife would occur – but your friend insisted on using her smart phone to find the place on foot.

"It's actually kind of close," she said, her excitement couldn't be contained, "I think they said it's by the pachinko parlor!"

Your curiosity only peaked with that comment. You really didn't have an interest in pachinko, and yet, curiosity still brewed within you.

.x.

Eventually, the two of you had finally shown up. From the entrance of the host club, it seemed desolate compared to the pachinko parlor next door. Sure, some women and men went in the host club but it seemed that the bulk of patronage went next door. You wonder if your friend had meant to bring you to the pachinko parlor yourself but you didn't vocalize it. Instead, you waited for your friend to apologize and to mask her mistake as a wrong turn.

"Ah!" she said, excited. "Here we are!" She pointed towards the more desolated building next door. You looked at her, and raised an eyebrow. "What? I know it looks empty, but it really is massively popular!" She smiled at you as you two continued towards the building anyway.

Still, she's your friend and you wanted to go out with her tonight. And you wanted the Legendary Akatsuka Strawberry Cake. You sighed but you hope your sigh wasn't too loud – it's a bad habit you had but you hoped she didn't hear it nonetheless.

Once you two enter the host club, immediately your breath was taken away: the insides of the building seemed much more massive inside than it did outside. The lobby area seems to be embellished in gold and gold trimmings. A visual representation of a bush – or a tree? – was in the center of the room. It was clear there were six separate rooms and a hostess bar at the very front. There was a mysterious person wearing a mask but their overbite was huge. It was clear this person was a man not just because of his voice was deep but his hair was long on top of his lips lied a small mustache.

"Welcome to the Akatsuka Host Club!" he greeted you and your friend. He seemed to have a lisp of some kind but you were just curious how a place like this could have this sort of setup. "Home of the Akatsuka Six, may I inquire if this is your first time here, zansu?"

You didn't answer but your friend did.

"Ah! This is the first time for the both of us! Could you please give us a tour of the Akatsuka Host Club?" She expertly told the host. He seemed to process what your friend just said but eventually he nodded and clapped his hands.

"I see, I see! Please follow me! Because we just opened, zansu, me will offer you two lovely customers the Pachinko Party at a 5% discount!" He continued to clap his hands as he explained himself. "Well, me will take it back – since you're going to just do the tour, me will give you 6% off!"

You immediately turned to your friend. She didn't want to meet your eyes for obvious reasons. You didn't expect a big discount but 6% was outright theft!

You can hear your friend's nervous laughing. "D-don't worry," she whispered. "I'll pay for you… if you'll pay for dinner later…" she nervously said. You slowly nod. Thankfully, you know a cheap, decent place for later. And you'll still get your strawberry cake.

"Ah-ah, yeah that's fine!"

The masked host clasped his hands together once again and made a joyous sound. "Wonderful! Let's begin the tour!"

He leads the two of you down the hall into the first room. "This is Osomatsu, zansu. He's your typical host type – he does things to impress you. And he'll treat you how you want to be treated!" The man described the host as poorly as possible as he opened the door and allowed you and your friend inside.

Inside, the room was covered in red sashes and other red decorations. There were some women in the room already and they were dressed scantily clad. Your own dressed up clothes had boots on with some leggings, a denim skirt, and a cute blouse. Nothing too stand out but you found it cute and comfortable. Your friend is a little bit more girly as her outfit consisted of light colors and seemed a bit more expensive than your clothes. Hers and your makeup seemed light although hers seemed more for fun.

"Would you like more champagne?" A voice rang out. It was clearly another man's voice and the women seemed to echo a "yes" chorus. "Well, too bad! I don't have any! Iyami! Get more champagne!" The women giggled and laughed at the 'joke'. It was easy to find the host himself. He wore a black coat which was open and had a red button down shirt. His hair was way too simple to be a host's but instead a typical bowl cut. Somehow, this made him a bit more interesting.

The man laughed as the women tried to fight for his attention and he rubbed his index finger under his nose.

"Hey! I'm trying to be incognito! Get your own champagne!"

"Iyami, I'm a host! Why should I leave these lovely ladies to get more champagne?" He waved his hand. "You do it. You're the owner, aren't you?" He laughed at his own 'joke' once more and the tour guide, now dubbed Iyami, muttered under his breath as he slammed the door.

You and your friend looked at each other. This was going to be a long night.

.x.

Finally, they had made it to the next room. Instead of the typical host room covered in red, this room was covered in blue. However, the theme seemed extremely different. While the previous room had soft music in the background which was drowned out by the women, this room had terrible music. Saxophones blared out of tune but it seemed to be intentional.

The room seemed somehow more cramped – because of a giant blue heart bed in the middle of the room. The room was grossly covered with blue roses covered in glitter. Glitter covered most of the room save for a few things – namely the three people who just entered and the patrons inside the room. Though, perhaps not even then. The women inside, again, seemed to enjoy themselves as they commented and swooned over a man who, was like the previous host, was in the center. He had a red rose in his mouth as well as shades that covered his eyes. He wore a white robe and had a huge glass of wine. He never noticed you, your friend, or Iyami.

"This is Karamatsu. Let's keep going. This is embarrassing, zansu." Iyami said as he pushed you and your friend out. No other thought crossed your mind other than, "Gross."

.x.

Once you and your friend enter the third room, you both were immediately hit with a crappy pop song along with a crowd of women, possibly men; they danced in tandem with the song. The room itself was as cramped and tight as a typical karaoke room but there was something different about you couldn't place your finger on. Perhaps it was the idol posters or it was the fact it was the same person. But that didn't matter to you. The patrons had ribbons tied around their heads – each of them saying "Choromatsu" – and you could see a guy, similar to Karamatsu and Osomatsu, with a green striped shirt enjoying himself.

"Well, if you're an idol otaku, this is the place for you, zansu. Choromatsu knows most of the dances by current idols but you'll get his attention better if you brush up on your history about Nyaa-tan, zansu."

Even though you liked the occasional idol, this may have been a little too much for you. Still, it was less gross than the previous room's but you continued on with the tour.

.x.

The next room, you braced yourself for any other loud noises or brazen images but when Iyami opened the door to the next room – it was surprisingly mellow and quiet. Peace and silence… and cat meows echoed in the room. You were surprised by this and looked around. Again, like the past three, the host in charge of the room seemed different. Instead, his hair was mussed up and he seemed a bit gloomy but happy around the creatures.

There were women who focused more on the cats than the host himself – he seemed to be happy even then.

"If you want to pet cats, you could just come here. Ichimatsu doesn't charge much – at all – and is just happy with the cats, zansu. Me will suggest the Caturday Special if you chose this one, zansu."

However, you felt the familiar tickling in your nose as it crawled up to that spot that alerted your cat allergies. You started to feel light headed and, for some reason, your hearing started to go out.

"Ugh…" you started out. "I-I think we should leave…" You could feel your nose start to run and your throat start to close. "I-I'm allergic to cats…"

Immediately, your friend jumped up and grabbed you before you started to lose your balance. Iyami quickly closed the door as soon as he realized.

.x.

You washed your face, feeling some of your makeup come off, and you coughed. Your friend, thankfully, had some allergy medicine with her and gave you a pill after you went to the bathroom to clear your head. You sighed and felt embarrassed.

However, you wanted to apologize to your friend for getting sick so you changed your mind from going to a cheap restaurant to maybe a nicer place. She did help you recover, after all, and she really couldn't have expected this to happen as this was the first time she was at this particular host club herself.

Once you left, and once you caught up with them, you started to apologize. However, Iyami rudely interrupted you.

"Are you okay, zansu? Are you well enough to keep going? Me can end it and me can give you a 7% discount at the end for the Pachinko Party!" He rubbed his hands nervously and tried to appeal to your better nature. Reluctantly, you agreed – even though you were annoyed at him for interrupting you. "Ahh, then shall we continue?"

He extended his arm towards the direction they were to go next. Your friend stood up, always the one with the better attitude, and walked towards that direction. She stopped and looked at you, with worry and guilt, and smiled. You sigh.

"Yeah, let's go."

.x.

The next area seemed to be an open field although there is an artificial sun in place. The field was actually a baseball field. There seemed to be women who wore yellow baseball uniforms and seemed to be content working out in this man-made field. Especially since you're starting to recover from your allergies, you knew you couldn't keep up with this crowd.

Once again, once you saw the host, this time in a yellow uniform like the others – Jyushimatsu, you later learned – looked like the other hosts. Energetic, sporty, and, also, not for you. Though, you did realize there was a sense of innocence about him – you gathered while he was innocent he might be the type to have a one-track mind.

Still, maybe if you came back to Akatsuka, had money to spare and needed a good workout, you could always use his services. Even so, you just weren't interested in this particular host.

Come to think of it – you didn't think that there was any host that appealed to you at all. Even though there were only six hosts, none of them appealed to you. You wonder if your friend felt the same way. At least, the both of you did something together during your time in Akatsuka. Perhaps this could be a bonding experience for you both.

.x.

The last host that the masked Iyami brought you to had nothing but pink all around it. The room itself seemed very soft since there were a lot of pink pillows, especially those that were heart shaped. There was an aura of comfort in this particular room.

"This last host is Todomatsu. He has a comforting aura that's also adorable and fashionable." At this point, Iyami sounded tired of dragging the both of you around – especially since it was clear that neither of you two were interested in any of the hosts; and after triggering your allergies… you were not sure if you would come back anyway.

Once more, and for the final time, the host seemed to look just like the others. There did seem to be other women there but they were in pajamas instead. Granted, you were a little tempted but at this point, you were tired. The allergy medicine didn't make you drowsy but it was getting late.

After Iyami brought you and your friend back to the lobby, he seemed to have regained the energy again. He clapped his hands and started to rub them together.

"So, are you ready to go to your Pachinko Party?" He seemed excited at the prospect of getting money from the two of you. You looked at your friend, and she looks at you. You both look back at him and your friend slowly nods. He seemed to be sweating at the forlorn, and honestly, tired looks and he stuttered as he laughed a strange laugh. "W-well, I guess I can give you a 10%?"

Silence.

"Fine, fine! Me will give you 50%, zansu!" He tried really hard to keep the two of you there but it was not going to happen. Perhaps the disappointed looks on both of your faces influenced him. Maybe if you looked a little sick…a little sad…

"Ah-ah, fine! We'll give you a free Pachinko Party then, zansu! Just please come back again!"

In the end, both of you went to the pachinko parlor next door. Though, you weren't sure what you were expecting. You've heard of champagne parties where all the hosts would gather around you and would open champagne in celebration of your patronage. While a pachinko party was similar – all six of the hosts were gathered – however, they failed to pay attention to you or your friend. Instead, all they did was thank you for the chance to play pachinko, basically for free – at least that's what they thought – and ignored you for the remainder of the night.

You both decide never to return to this host club again.