A/N: Contains themes of dub-con (NOT between main pairing), underage sex, past sexual abuse, unhealthy coping methods and PTSD.
At some point in our frequent midnight ramblings, Lywinis and I began talking about how there seemed to be an awful lot of kids fighting in these shinobi wars. Paired with the multitude of tragedies Kakashi was faced with as well as his inability to connect with others and clear PTSD, it seemed a fair theory that he had learned in his ANBU days that sex was just something you did or someone did to you to blow off steam. He's had sex plenty of times, but Iruka comes along as the first romantic relationship he's ever had. Being that he's developed some particularly unhealthy ideas about sex, trying to combine a sexual relationship with the romantic attraction he feels towards Iruka becomes disastrous.
There will be mentions of past sexual experiences of dubious consent involving Kakashi and others and Kakashi will be underage in some of these. Being that these are very heavy topics, I encourage you to consider the attached warnings before reading. It's a difficult subject to write, but I'm hoping to be able to convey a certain number of thoughts. That sexual abuse can happen to anyone, that sometimes people take advantage of others who think themselves to be older than they truly are, the importance of acknowledging and accepting mental health issues, and the kinds of things that can happen to make us grow up too fast.
Although I have labeled this as dub-con, I've checked off the rape/non-con warning for the sake of covering all bases. If there are any tags or warnings anyone feels should be added, please don't hesitate to let me know. Tags will be added as they become relevant. Title taken with respect from the song of the same name by A Silent Film.
Chapter 1: we build it up, we tear it down
A year and a half.
A year and a half since Naruto had left with Jiraiya and here they are. Umino Iruka and Hatake Kakashi. Together at last.
Or at least, that's how it feels to Iruka. Their interaction had begun innocently enough with the odd exchange here or there regarding the kids, one of which happened to spill over into Iruka's lunch hour. Kakashi had been the one to insist buying him lunch to make up for it and although Iruka had accepted, he hadn't thought of it as being anything other than a one-time thing. Except it wasn't.
Joining each other for lunch or tea for progress updates on Team 7 began to become something very nearly routine.
"You know, we've had lunch several times now, and I still haven't seen your face."
It had been a completely innocent statement, one which Iruka hadn't really meant to say sloud, but Kakashi seemed amused by the remark. His eye had curved up into that happy crescent-moon facsimile of a smile as he'd rested his chin on his hand across the table from Iruka.
"You say that like you were hoping you would."
Suddenly he found their lunch meetings weren't strictly "business" as it were. Iruka found himself engaging with Kakashi in conversation in a way he usually only did with his closest friends. Their meetings had become something he'd grown to look forward to.
Then came the chuunin exams. However close they'd come to one another, in that moment, standing in front of the Hokage and all those jounin, Iruka had never felt further away from Kakashi. Maybe he didn't really understand this man at all. Worse still, he'd had to eat his words when he'd ventured out to test his tree former students. Iruka may be stubborn, but he's willing to admit when he's wrong, and he'd gone to Kakashi that night with hat in hand and did just that.
It was weeks before they spoke to one another again, with Kakashi being the one to seek him out. And it's true, Iruka had been angry and hurt and bitter, but Kakashi hardly looked like it had been an argument he'd enjoyed winning. No, instead he'd apologized to Iruka, claiming it had been wrong of him to provoke the chuunin. It had been wrong of him, he said, to vilify the trait in Iruka that he valued most. When Iruka wondered just what that trait was, Kakashi had asked if he would join him for dinner by way of an apology; he would be happy to tell him there. One dinner had turned into two, and then three, and then dinner every week. The talks that they'd enjoyed previously during their lunchtime meetings had resumed and Iruka found he had missed them far more than he'd realized. Gradually he found those conversations ranging towards more personal topics and he found himself surprised with not only how much he was willing to open up to Kakashi, but how much Kakashi seemed to open up to him as well.
Without meaning to, he began thinking about Kakashi even when they were apart with greater and greater frequency. He would wonder when the jounin would return from his latest mission, or find himself hoping he would return safely or worry that he wouldn't. This had all come to a head when Mizuki had escaped from prison. The fact that Kakashi had sent Pakkun with him had been surprising, but welcome. The little dog had stuck close to his side even after the mission had concluded and Tsunade had essentially ordered Iruka and Naruto to be checked out at the hospital. Despite his protest, this had turned out to be a wise decision, as an injury he'd written off as minor had wound up being a bit more serious that he'd bargained for. Some internal bleeding meant he was being held overnight. Pakkun had curled up on the bed by his knees, apparently quite content to take a nap until his master returned.
Iruka had been startled when he'd woken in the middle of the night to find a figure sitting in the shadows beside his bed, but that had turned into relief when he discovered it was Kakashi. He hadn't expected the jounin back from his assignment so soon. Kakashi's bashful admission that he'd heard Iruka had been hospitalized and had grown worried left a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach that he hadn't felt in some time. The two of them talked quietly until the sun rose and Iruka was deemed well enough for bed rest at home. As he'd stood at the hospital entrance and Kakashi had lightly touched his arm, offering to walk him home, it was apparent that what both of them were moving towards wasn't a relationship of the platonic variety.
Tonight, after months of this slow courtship, Iruka had asked if Kakashi might come up to his and join him for one last drink. Kakashi's visible eye had curved upwards in a happy arc as he'd agreed.
And now... Now...
"You're gorgeous, you know," Iruka says before locking their lips together.
Kakashi hums into his mouth, reaching up and tugging on his hair tie until dark chocolate locks tumbled out of its tight hold. The jounin wastes no time in running a hand through that hair, apparently more than happy to spend his time finding new ways to tangle his fingers in it. Iruka tugs experimentally on the zipper of Kakashi's flak vest and, receiving no protest, tugs it the rest of the way down.
It really isn't practical for the two of them to be standing in his tiny kitchen, feeling each other up like teenagers, but he can't bring himself to suggest they do anything about it. The chuunin jumps when he feels a hand cupping him through his pants; Kakashi certainly doesn't waste any time. He applies a firm pressure as he massages in a steady motion until Iruka's pressing into his hand, seeking out the friction he provides. Until, quite suddenly, it stops. Kakashi pulls back to look at him, eyes shifting down to the bulge in Iruka's pants before rising to meet his gaze, his tongue darting out to wet his own lips.
"Would you like me to?"
The low gravel of the jounin's voice makes his cock twitch in anticipation.
"Fuck," Iruka hisses, for lack of a better answer.
Kakashi seems to take that as a yes, because a moment later he's on his knees and working Iruka's fly open. Iruka has to hold on to the counter he's leaned against when Kakashi takes him in his mouth, because he's half certain he might fall if he doesn't. He's imagined a dozen scenarios very much like this one and every last one of them pales in comparison to the actual thing. Kakashi makes no effort to restrain him, leaving Iruka's self-control the deciding factor in whether his hips stay where they are. Iruka likes to think he's a fairly considerate lover, but even he's not immune to basic human instinct. Try as he might, he can't help it when he bucks into that wet heat surrounding him.
An apology flies to his lips even as Kakashi takes it without so much as gagging.
"Sorry! I'm sorry, I didn't mean—I'm sorry," Iruka says in a rushed breath as he presses himself back against the counter.
Kakashi pulls off him slowly and gazes up at him from where he's knelt on the kitchen floor. "It's fine. Do what you like; I can take it."
It's the kind of invitation that makes it difficult to swallow and his head go fuzzy for a moment. Instead, he clears his throat and runs his hand through disheveled silver hair.
"Why don't we take this to the bed? I think that'll be more comfortable for both of us," Iruka suggests.
"Whatever you like," Kakashi says with a faint smile.
If you'd asked him even a few months ago if he would be leading Hatake Kakashi into his bedroom, he would have suggested you get yourself checked for drugs. Now, though, he finds himself watching Kakashi shedding layers of clothing and feeling particularly overdressed for the occasion.
"How do you want me?" Kakashi asks, pulling his shirt off I've his head.
"I'm sorry?" Iruka asks, mirroring the action.
"Back? Stomach? Side?" Kakashi suggests, unzipping his fly. "Something more creative in mind?"
"You're gonna be the death of me," Iruka says with an incredulous huff of laughter. He scratches his nose, suddenly feeling self-conscious. "Ah... Let's keep it simple tonight, maybe?"
"Simple it is," Kakashi replies, shooting him another smile.
When they're both sufficiently disrobed, Kakashi sits on the bed and pulls Iruka by the hand to stand between his parted legs. They fall together onto the bed and for a moment Iruka can't help but be distracted by silvery locks splayed out on his duvet as Kakashi lies back in waiting. Iruka still finds himself surprised that Kakashi hadn't wanted to top, but then he supposes he's just letting the rumors cloud his judgement. They all paint the copy nin as some kind of Casanova, but Iruka has to think the people that believe these rumors have never actually spent any time with him. He knows Kakashi to be kind and gentle in ways you might never expect from one of the village's most powerful ninja. And there's a certain sort of... uncertainty about him. Like a schoolboy nursing his first crush. That's the part of him Iruka knows those people have never seen. It's a part of him that Iruka treasures.
"Let me know if it's getting uncomfortable," Iruka says, fingers working him open with slow, careful movements.
"I'm ready whenever you want to go," Kakashi replies.
"Well I'm not going to go anywhere until you're ready," Iruka insists. "I don't want to hurt you."
"It's fine," Kakashi says.
"All the same, I'm going to spend a little more time prepping you... If that's okay?" Iruka ventures, watching his partner carefully.
"If that's what you want," Kakashi tells him. "Then that's fine by me."
Something... doesn't feel right to him. Iruka's not sure what it is, but something at the back of his mind tells him something about this whole night has been off.
"Tell me what you like," Iruka says, kissing up his chest. "Tell me what makes you feel good."
"Whatever you like," Kakashi tells him.
"I know you're a big fan of secrets, but this is a bit much," Iruka says, fingers curling inside him, hoping to get some sort of reaction. "Tell me what you want."
He hears his partner's harsh breaths, but no answer comes from him. Apart from this and the sound of Iruka's slicked up fingers thrusting into him, he's as still and silent as the grave. That's when Iruka notices. Glancing up, he had hoped to meet the jounin's gaze, but finds Kakashi's face is turned away from him and his eyes closed.
It's like someone flips a switch. There's a sudden dropping sensation in his stomach and he feels his body tense uncomfortably. He doesn't want this to be it. He doesn't want to think this is what's made him feel like something was wrong. The implications are enough to leave him lightheaded. Hesitantly, he withdraws, pulling back and hating the look of confusion on Kakashi's face when he registers that Iruka isn't going to proceed any further. Iruka struggles to swallow around the lump that's formed in his throat.
"Kakashi, you don't... Do you want to do this?" Iruka asks him slowly.
"Why are you asking me that?" Kakashi asks him, beginning to look suspicious.
"It's just that you haven't really responded to anything we've done," Iruka explains. "It's like you're putting all the focus on me... like you're not even here. Or you don't want to be."
It's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it reaction, but it's there. Kakashi's eyes widen suddenly, for a fraction of a moment before his cool gaze is once more in place. But Iruka had seen it. It had been unmistakable. It was fear. That just furthers Iruka's suspicions and the sinking sensation in his stomach worsens. The infamous copy nin looks away from him once more, the muscles in his jaw jumping.
"You don't like it," Kakashi says.
"I... No, that's not... Well, what I mean is..." Iruka says, tripping over his words in his hurry to convey several feelings at once.
"I should've known," Kakashi says, sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. "This was a bad idea."
"Kakashi, wait, slow down, what are you talking about?" Iruka says, not stopping him from pulling his pants on all the same.
"It was a bad idea. It's fine. It's my fault," Kakashi says, refusing to elaborate as he gets dressed as quickly as he can.
Iruka slides off the bed, hurriedly pulling his pants on in his effort to stop his partner from running out the door. He needs to sort this out, as much as he doesn't want to open a can that he's certain is full of worms. But this isn't the kind of thing you just fluff off. It's probably not the thing you talk about half-naked either, but he finds himself afraid of what might happen if they don't talk about this.
"We don't have to rush," Iruka suggests, following after him as Kakashi flees to the kitchen. "We can take things as slowly as you need, let's just talk about this."
"There's nothing to talk about," Kakashi replies, pulling his mask up. "Some people just aren't compatible that way. It's not working for you, I made a mistake thinking it would and that's all there is to it."
"That's not it at all," Iruka tries to assure him. "I think there's something getting lost in translation between us and I think it... might be something we really need to talk about."
He reaches out, the need to console, to fix, to make it better leaving him feeling like his chest's about to burst. The jounin, to his surprise, flinches away from the contact. At that moment, as much as he wants to keep Kakashi here and talk about what's just happened between them, he knows he can't. Not if Kakashi's like this. The man who wouldn't bat an eye at kunai and shuriken flying through the air had pulled away from his hand like stray dog. As much as he doesn't want to let him walk out that door, Iruka knows he has to. He wants to be part of the solution, but right now, he's certain he's at least part of the problem.
"It's okay," he says quietly, letting his arms hang at his sides. "I won't stop you."
There's a look of confliction in Kakashi's lone eye, almost as though Iruka's confused got him confused as to whether he wants to stay or go. But his instinct to flee wins out and a moment later, Iruka's standing alone in his empty kitchen, staring at the spot Kakashi had occupied just a short time ago. He stands there for a long while, his racing thoughts keeping him frozen to the spot.
The way Kakashi had just laid there, like he was waiting for Iruka to fuck him and get it over with, to just use his body to get off... god. God, how hadn't he noticed it sooner? How could he have overlooked something like that? And the fact that he'd almost... His stomach rolls at the thought.
Should he call someone, he wonders? Someone to check on Kakashi? But even if he knew what to say, he doesn't think he'd know who to call. Whoever it is would want to know why he'd ask such a thing, but it's not the sort of thing you can explain in a phone call. Yet the idea of leaving the jounin alone when he's like this isn't something that sits well with him.
That's the motivation he needs to finally move, his legs stiff and his feet cold after having stood like a statue for so long. He picks up his phone and flips through his phone book. In this case, there's really only one person he can think to call who could handle the matter discreetly and efficiently.
"'lo?"
The groggy greeting isn't surprising considering how late it is. Later, he now realizes, than he'd thought.
"Ah, Asuma-sensei, this is Umino Iruka. I'm sorry to disturb you so late at night."
"Nah. It's fine. What happened?"
He wonders how the other man had known to ask that question. Does his voice give it away? Is it that obvious?
"Nothing. Well... No, that's not true. It's just... I can't quite explain it to you, but Kakashi left—I mean Kakashi-sensei left here earlier tonight and he was behaving oddly. I was hoping I could trouble you to check in on him," Iruka says, knowing how it must sound.
"...there some reason you can't?"
It's not accusatory. Not the way Asuma says it. He just wants to know exactly what's going on. Unfortunately, Iruka can't say he knows that himself.
"I think it would be better if I didn't," Iruka says, almost to himself.
He hears a tired sigh on the other end of the line.
"Look, if you two fought—"
"That's not it. Not exactly. Something did happen, but to be honest I'm not sure what and he didn't want to talk to me about it," Iruka says.
"But Kakashi was behaving oddly enough that you felt you should call someone."
Iruka thanks whatever gods may be listening that Asuma is so quick on the uptake. He hadn't been sure about sending someone after Kakashi, but at least with Asuma, he knows the situation is in good hands.
"Yes," he replies simply. "I know it's strange, me calling you in the middle of the night like this."
"If it bugged you enough to call, I'm willing to overlook the hour. But if we're talking between us, you don't have to bother with the whole 'sensei' thing. For me or him."
"O-Oh. Yes. Sure," Iruka stutters, feeling heat rise to his cheeks. "Well... Thank you."
"It's not a big deal. I'll make sure he's alright. You get some sleep and leave it to me."
"Thank you. I'll have to make it up to you," Iruka replies. "Goodnight, Asuma-sensei. Uh... I mean, goodnight Asuma."
"Night Iruka."
Even as he rests the phone back in its cradle, he feels uneasy. He feels better knowing that Asuma will look in on Kakashi, but the whole night still leaves him feeling unsettled. Although he knows Asuma is right and he should get some sleep before he has to report for work in the morning, he can't seem to wind down.
A quick shower leaves him feeling more relaxed, but no more ready for sleep. Without knowing how things have gone with Kakashi, he can't imagine sleeping. Perhaps if he just lies in bed long enough, sleep will come to him. But as he stands beside his bed, he finds that sinking feeling in his stomach returning full force with a rolling wave of nausea. Instead he strips the bed and throws it all into the wash before pulling a spare blanket from the closet.
He curls up on the sofa and wraps the blanket around himself. He lies there quietly in the dark, listening to the sounds of the apartment as he waits for the phone to ring, praying that it will soon. I had taken them so long to arrive here and now he has to wonder if he's managed to tear all of that down in the span of a single night.
Iruka squeezes his eyes shut tight, unable to shake the wide-eyed expression of fear he'd seen on Kakashi's face and sick with the fact that he'd been the one to put it there. His chest aches. His eyes sting. He lies in silence, kept company by his guilt and worry, waiting for a phone call that he doesn't yet know will never come.