Standard Disclaimer: Disclaimed
Notes: Yeah…this was supposed to be fluffier…didn't work out that way. Anyhoo, I tried something a little different this time. Don't know how successful I was, but here you are. Special thanks to mirai3k who did an awesome job beta'ing this for me. Taito Yamachi forever, y'all!
Warnings: nothing heavy, shounen-ai
-:-finem-:-
Spare Parts
He's changed. Now that I'm actually paying attention, I don't know how I could have missed it before. I'm not even sure when it started, but Tai just isn't the same as he used to be. I've got no clue what happened to him... Some best friend I turned out to be, right? Y'know, I'm still not even sure how that happened, the best friend thing I mean. All I know is that somewhere between saving two worlds and high school, the title had slipped from Koushiro and landed on me. I bet Izzy would kick my ass now if he knew how much I screwed this up. The little guy's a lot scarier than most people give him credit.
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"What, are you two fighting again?"
"Shut it, Yagami. I'm not in the mood."
"What was it about this time? You forget to put your cell phone on manner mode when you got home?"
"No. I forgot her mother's birthday. Can you believe that? I don't even remember my own mother's birthday and she's pissed that I don't know hers."
"Well, that's our Sora. She'll get over it."
"I know. Can I crash at your place for the weekend? My dad's out and I don't feel like bumping around the apartment alone right now."
"Hey, what are best friends for?"
"I'll take that as a yes."
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The thing with me and Sora had come out of nowhere. I'd always thought that she wanted to be with Tai, but then there was a concert and a box of cookies, and everything changed. I wonder if that's when it started. Tai and I used to do everything together, but after Sora and I hooked up, there just wasn't time anymore. Between the band and school and then a new girlfriend, Tai's friendship kind of fell to the wayside. I really just didn't have time for him.
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"C'mon Tai, it's been ages since we had a guys night. You, me, Teeks, Iz, I even convinced Jou to ditch his books for a while. You have to come."
"I'm just not up to it this weekend, Matt. Mom needs me around the house."
"Since when have you ditched out on fighting games and Gutbuster pizza to help your mom?"
"I'll see you on Monday, Matt. Tell the others I'm sorry.
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He was avoiding us...or maybe he was just avoiding me. Is it sad that that's what it took to finally get me to notice him? Am I really that self-absorbed? I guess I am. That's the only explanation for how I could have missed something so obvious. He just wasn't as…bright as he used to be. From the very beginning of our digimon adventure, there had always been this light and fire about Tai; this...intensity. He wasn't a person to be ignored by any means. He just wouldn't allow it.
The flames have been smothered now, the zeal that used to shine behind his eyes dimmed. He had become...plain. No, not even plain, not ever average because Tai was incapable of being anything other than extraordinary. It just wasn't in a good way anymore. Watching him now was like...it was like seeing a tragedy. Looking at him, anyone could tell what should have been, but it had all faded to almost nothing, leaving behind only a hint, a remnant of what should have been one of the most amazing people anyone would ever have the chance to meet.
...or maybe that was just what I saw when I looked at him…
I know. Shut up.
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"Hey."
"Hey."
"You seen T.K. around? He's supposed to spend the night."
"He and Hikari had to go check out something in the Digiworld. They should be back later."
"What? Big brother Taichi is leaving his sister alone with her evil boyfriend?"
"Hikari's a big girl. I trust her to make her own decisions."
"Oh..."
"Yeah..."
"..."
"..."
"So I thought that you were working with Daisuke on soccer stuff today."
"He's got Ken now. The two of them together are already blowing the team away. I hear Dai's up for MVP this year."
"That's cool."
"Yeah. Besides, I'm totally out of practice since seniors aren't allowed to do club activities anymore."
"Right."
"..."
"..."
"I think I'm gonna head home. I've got stuff to do..."
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I think...I think I might get it. I've been thinking about it a lot, y'know? This thing with Tai. I spent so long ignoring it, I guess I'm just trying to play catch-up now. He's lost. Lost all purpose, lost all meaning, and it's left him...drifting.
I mean think about it. We were all forced to grow up way too fast when we were spirited away all those years ago, chosen by chance to be the saviors of a world we'd known nothing about. He had taken charge of us all. He'd made his mistakes, learned his lessons and by the end, he had become the beacon that we all rallied behind. He wasn't the brain of the outfit, nor the most practical or even most experienced, but he was still the soul of the Chosen. He'd taken that responsibility seriously. It had been everything to him.
When we got back and things calmed down, it had been good at first. Others were chosen to become new guardians, and we were finally able to get back to real life again, but even then we had parts to play. The others needed mentors in the beginning, they needed our experience and help. Now, they were old enough to be able to handle things on their own. The original Chosen had all found other things to occupy their time. I had my music, Jou was busy with PreMed, Koushiro was working with the others on the more technical elements of mapping the digital world, Mimi and her family had moved back to America, Sora was burying herself in school stuff, but Tai had never taken his focus from the digital world.
He still considered the things that happened there his responsibility, but they weren't anymore. We weren't Chosen anymore. That was for Dai and the others now, and even Daisuke didn't need Tai's guidance as he once did. So what becomes of a guardian whose post has been covered; when someone else has takenyour place in the grand scheme of things? What happens when you discover that you've become nothing more than a few useless spare parts?
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"Matt, it's over."
"Wh--wait, Sora. What?!"
"You heard me. I can't do this anymore."
"Do what anymore!? I thought we were doing fine!"
"You thought-- Matt, you've barely paid me any attention for months now! When we're together, all you talk about is him, all you think about is him!"
"No, I--"
"Don't, Matt. Just don't. I get it, ok? So just go."
"Go!? Go where?!"
"You know, where! Don't make me have to say it!"
"Sora, just calm down for a second. Stop crying so that we can talk this out."
"Go to him, Matt! I love you, and I thought that you loved me too, but I don't think what we feel for each other is the same. As long as there's this question between us, we just...we shouldn't, no, we can't be together. He needs you, you care about him, so just go. Don't make this harder than it already is..."
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So here I am, in front of his door. I don't know what I'm supposed to say to him. I'm not even sure I really get what's wrong, but I think Sora is right. He needs someone right now, and if Hikari hasn't been able to help, maybe I am the only one who can do anything. Maybe he needs me to be the friend that I was always supposed to be.
"Yamato!"
It's Mrs. Yagami who opens the door when I final manage to knock.
"Come in dear! It's been ages!"
That stings because I know it's true. I used to visit. I used to come over and pick Tai up for whatever wasting of time we'd come up with for the weekend. It has been a too long since we've done that.
"Tai! Yamato's here to see you! I'm so glad to see that you boys are still friends. I was getting so worried. Tai's just gotten so quiet lately. You guys go right ahead and hang-out or whatever you kids call it these days, and I'll go fix you some snacks. Do you still like those apple oat crackers Yamato? I have a whole..."
She continues babbling on, but I tune out almost immediately. Tai had come out of his room when she called and now, he stands in his doorway watching me. There is something piercing about his eyes. A question there...or an accusation? I don't know. Is he angry with me?
"Can I come in?"
It's strange for me to have to ask. There was a time when the room would have practically been my own. Tai doesn't say anything, just steps back and vanishes past the threshold. I follow.
"So what brings you here, Yama?"
He doesn't even pretend to be cheerful for me. I guess the cloud of gloom hanging over my head is a bit of a give away that this is not just a social visit.
"Sora broke up with me."
The words are out of my mouth before I even realize I was going to say them, and their effect is instant. I can see the hurt in his eyes now. He isn't wearing his game face, he isn't hiding as he had been, and for the first time in what feels like decades, I am seeing Tai...and what I see hurts me, too.
"That's too bad, Yama. You need a place to crash?"
And that was his response. I know what he's thinking. I know that he thinks that I came to him for comfort; to take more from the friendship that I had allowed to become more and more one-sided. It's a testament to how amazing he is that despite the hurt, he is still willing to have me. He would never turn me away. Didn't that just make me feel shittier than I already did?
"She told me that it was because of you. That you were the thing standing between us."
He starts, looking up at me sharply in shock and confusion. How sad is it that those are the first real emotions I've seen in him in...I don't even know how long. Months at least.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
He's angry now, the spark that used to be perpetually there behind his eyes finally reigniting, and I can feel my heart responding to it, waking in the warmth of his light. I hadn't even realized it had been sleeping. I understood something in that moment, something obvious and profound in its simplicity. Having that realization makes the rest of it easier somehow. The nervous tension that had filled me, vanishes under the heat of his gaze.
"It means I'm worried, Tai. About you."
"So what? You came over here to ease your conscience so that you can go back to Sora and tell her you tried? Fine. You tried. Don't worry about me, Matt. I'm sure you have more important things to--"
"..."
"What was that?"
"I needed to figure something out?"
"And that was accomplished somehow by kissing me?"
"Yes."
"..."
"..."
"Get out of my house, Matt. I can't deal with this right now."
"Deal with what, Tai? I won't do it again if you don't want me to."
"That's not the point!"
"How is it not the point?! Tai, this is what's been off. I think we've both been ignoring it for a long time!"
"And what about Sora!? Even if that meant anything, even if it could mean anything, you have a girlfriend!"
"I just told you we broke up!"
"You always break up, and then you're back together two days later! This is no different. Leave, Matt. Now. I don't know what you thought you'd get by coming here!"
"Tai--"
"NO! You expect me to believe that you're actually worried about me? That you even think about me or my feelings anymore? That ended a long time ago and we both know it! You don't care about anything but yourself anymore, Yamato!"
I grab him and hold on, and the pain that his words bring just...hurts so right. It had been a long time since I had received his brand of brutal honesty, and while I was ashamed to realize that what he said was totally true, I hadn't expected the level of relief I felt hearing the words from him. How long had it been since we'd spoken honestly with each other?
"You're right, Tai. Ok? You're right. I won't deny it. I can't, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ditch you before, but please, don't make me leave; not yet. I need you to hear me out."
"No one needs me anymore, Matt, least of all you."
The bitterness in his voice stabs through my heart, and it just makes me hang on that much tighter.
"You're wrong. Tai, I know that things have changed over the years, we've all changed, but you have to know that you are just as important to all of us as you ever have been."
He tries to pull away from me then, but I won't let him. I'll wrestle him to the ground and hold him there if that's what it takes to get through to him.
"Think about it, Tai. From the beginning, you were the heart of all of us, even the new generation. We've all drifted apart over the past years, but I don't think it's because we stopped caring about each other. I think we've just all been lost without our heart. Dai is awesome, and he's matured a lot since the others took over, but he's not you, Tai. He never will be you."
He hangs silently in my arms now, all the life apparently drained from him by my words, but I'm not done yet.
"We're all going to continue to grow and change. We could end up like ever other kid who grows up. Everything here might just become a distant memory; something to look back on and smile...but I thought we were more than that, Tai. You were the one who always said that nothing would separate us, because we were Chosen--because we had gone through something amazing together--and that would bind us forever. It was always your will that held us together. Are you really going to just let that go?"
He is silent for a long time. I just hold him, heart pounding, waiting. I'm disturbed by just how dead his voice sounds when he finally answered.
"I never asked for any of it. I didn't even realize what I had brought on myself when I took charge at the beginning of everything. I was just trying to get us home."
I remember that. He was just as clueless as the rest of us, but he kept us moving forward. Sometimes it led us into difficult situations, but Tai kept us going in the beginning. He'd never been one to stand still.
"I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing anymore, Matt. That had been our lives for so long...and this. You really expect me to keep trying to hold all of it together on my own? You really think that me, just wanting it, will make everything magically better? Well I'm sorry to disappoint you, Yamato, but I'm only human. I'm too tired. I can't anymore, not alone."
At some point I had guided us to his bed, and we are sitting there now, somewhat awkwardly, him still in my embrace.
"You're right. It wouldn't be fair to ask you to do that alone. I should have been there with you all along, and I failed in that. We all learned a long time ago that our greatest strength comes when we are there to support each other, well I'm figuring it out again, Tai. I won't leave this to you alone. From now on, I want to be there for you like I was always supposed to be."
He doesn't respond to that, just lets me continue holding him as he thought. That's enough for me. I don't even know what I'm asking. I doubt that he does either, but sitting together as we are, there is something indefinable there between us; something that aches in an all too pleasant way.
After an extended moment of silence, there comes a very soft knock on the door. Tai's mother enters, whispering and blushing and hastily placing her tray down.
"Here are your snacks boys. I'm sorry for interrupting, you just go right ahead and keep on talking, I'll get right out of your way..."
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"Daisuke, don't talk with your mouth full. It's gross"
"What, are you my mom or something, Jou? Lighten up, you sound way too much like Ken."
"I rather agree with Jou-sempai. You're spitting food all over yourself."
"Smooth, Dai. I can see why you get along so well with some of the wilder digimon."
"Shut it, DS. At least they don't run away in terror when they see my face like they do with you!"
"That didn't even make any sense!"
It's been a long time since we all did anything together. It seemed that some things would never change. But then of course, change was inevitable.All of the older Chosen around the table really weren't anything like the kids they all used to be. Koushiro was so much more sociable, Mimi more refined, Jou more relaxed, Tai a bit more subdued. I watched him as he sat beside me, watching the others, taking in the atmosphere. This would probably be the last time for a while that we would all be able to be together like this. Graduation was approaching, and several of us would be going our own ways, but it was ok. The connection was still there between all of us, and the strength that had bound us had been renewed.
I smiled, warmed by the obvious pleasure in Tai's features as he watched the others. I gave his hand a firm squeeze where it rested, nestled in mine, beneath the table.
-owari